I feel let down by mum as a child. AIBU? Do other mums do this?

[User2019user]

Not sure why I’m posting really. I think to see if anyone else has felt this way or whether I am being unfair and bratty.

I have had some therapy for this and in no way do I harbour resentment or anger towards my lovely mum. She is wonderful and I love her. But I feel like she wasn’t there for me emotionally as a child and perhaps not even now, although that’s less of a criticism as I’m now an adult.

My mum so wanted me to do well in life and was hugely supportive of education. I was well dressed and fed and cared for. But emotionally I feel like she let me down. Maybe I am being unfair, but this is why I feel this way...

I can’t remember my mum ever giving me undivided attention when I was upset or needed to talk. In fact my mum has never ever sat and chatted something through with me, without being glued to the internet, on her phone, or in the middle of cleaning or some other project. I remember as a child hoping to chat to her in the car because we were effectively trapped in the same space together! Even then she would be desperate to get the radio on if I tried to talk about something. Another time I was massively worried about money and job security and just needed a cuppa and a chat...she told me I would have to drive 30 mins to their buy to let (from their home where we were) because she needed to paint the bedrooms. I stupidly did this, while in a total mess...arrived there and she started painting and talking about what colour scheme they were going to have. I felt so pathetic and worthless to her, I wasn’t even worth twenty minutes chat. My mum wasn’t working at the time and had all the time in the work to do the painting. It was another occasion where she seemed oblivious to me needing her.

I think what happened as a result was that I was even more desperate to have that emotional connection, so I would almost seek out conversations and upset to get her attention. What I really wanted, particularly as a teenager, was for her to give me her attention. Not all the time or every day, but just to actually give me her full attention now and then.

I would never do anything with her alone, without my dad. This was more my mum than my dad, who I think would have been more than happy to leave us to it sometimes. When I had my first break up as a teen, she never came and sat on my bed and talked with me until I was feeling ok enough to sleep, or even talked much at all. My last break up as an adult was awful and she stopped me ten minutes in to telling her about it to order a cardigan online I’m fully aware that as an adult I shouldn’t bother with trying to lean on her for things like that but I mention it to give an example.

I guess I want to know if these feelings are irrational or bratty? Do most mums behave in this way and was I expecting too much? I know my mum had a tough upbringing and she has done so many lovely things for me. This isn’t about blame but just wanting to make sense of my feelings really. I feel let down. AIBU?

My eldest daughter thinks I am the same. So maybe a view from my perspective would help - or not... probably just get me slated as "narcissistic" I guess some of us must be... statistically...

She is late teenage.
She wants me to drop what I am doing the instant she has something she wants to "discuss".
She wants to talk at me for an hour or more.
If at any point during that hour or more I actually put forward any view then I am not listening.
I cannot state an opinion (that would be making it about me...).
I cannot answer the phone (even to the doctor) or do anything that needs doing until she has finished.
The only response I am "allowed" is to hug her/stroke her arm.

If she comes to me upset, I (as I always have) open my arms, take her in and let all of her angst wash out - I love her dearly, she is a wonderful, kind, loving, intelligent daughter.

• but then all of the above comes into play immediately. Even if I am in the middle of cooking dinner for the whole family, or have to pick up her sister from school, or have to do something that she deems too important for me not to do, but I still am not paying her enough attention if I do it.

Kids are frustrating for parents, just as parents are frustrating for kids.

Sounds nothing like what we're talking about Beyond Very hard for you though I'm sure, no advice as I don't have a teenager yet

fotheringhay - The original poster mentions "talking until I was feeling ok enough to sleep" - sounds very like my daughter.

beyond this is really interesting to read as I am sure my mum would describe the situation as you have and maybe as a child I was seeking that sort of attention at difficult times.

Would you not set aside an hour to listen to your daughter though? There must be times when you are able to do that uninterrupted? From your post it sounds like you feel that is too long and too draining.

I’m not criticising you and I am sure I would find it very difficult too.

As for the talking until you fall asleep...I can’t imagine leaving my 14 year old daughter in tears at night without getting her to a place where she’s ok. I do realise that it is easier said than done though and I have not had to deal with it so it could be a different story in reality.

What about your dad? Did he give you emotional support? Dads often seem to get away with this aspect of parenting where as mums have to be all and everything. My mum and dad were emotionally distant and and I now see those traits in me but try very hard with my dds. (With help from forums like this) Our parents only had their own families for guidance.

Dad was better in that respect but again patience wasn’t a hugely strong point

OP your situation sounds like a classic case of childhood emotional neglect.

As I say, I don't have a teen yet, but I'm a single mum with 2 jobs and 2 little boys - so very little time and all the pressure.

However like hell would I fail to comfort one of them if they were in tears!!

Trust your instincts and don't let guilt blind you to the huge impact of what you didn't get

User - thank you for the gentle response...

I would comfort my 14 year old as best I could - mums don't know everything, we don't automatically know how to help, or make things better, we can be there of course, but at some point we have to go to bed too, for our health and the wellbeing of the whole family.

Everyone is selfish as a teenager - I was too - it is hard to disassociate her anguish - which desperately needs to be comforted and breaks a mother's heart - from her need for everybody else to know her anguish is continuing and not able to be comforted.

(An hour can be long and draining when it is not about holding and comforting, but being talked at about a problem that you cannot do anything about)

I feel for you and see why you feel that way... but also as a mother I know how hard it is to have energy and focus to meet your childrens needs... your mother sounds particularly distant but I'm betting it wasnt about how she felt about you at all but more about her own personality and own need for emotional space. I'm a very reserved person and I need a lot of space. I'm quite low energy... I often feel like I'm letting my children down... I do try and give them undivided attention and energy but its doesnt come naturally to me... because I do not want undivided attention or energy from people as I find it draining... I hope they wont end up feeling as you do... I do think the difference is that I'm aware of it and try my best to explain and rectify it.... it sounds a although your mum cannot acknowledge the problem which makes it very difficult to get an explanation so you can heal and move on... children take everything personally because they uavent got the context an adult has... so I can see why this has really hurt you

I'm not going to say your mum is awful. Sometimes people struggle to give emotional support when it's not something they ever received themselves.

She may have parented you the same way her mum did her.

Perhaps she just isn't great with emotions/feelings and rather avoid such situations.

I do think that ordering a cardigan while you were telling her about a break up was insensitive though.

May I ask... how old are you now User?

I guess what I'm trying to say is different people have very different styles of communication and very different needs... what one person defines as emotional support another may find invasive and draining. The problem is when a parents and childs styles do not line up and neither can understand the behaviour of the other. So one thinks the other is cold and distant or one thinks the other is overwhelming and invasive.
I think a good place to start is to try and look at other ways which so done may be showing their love to you that you might not have picked up on...
By saying that I'm not excusing what you've been through or your mums lack of acknowledgement about how its effected you... but I mean as a way to move forward positively with the relationship, if that's what you decide you want to do...
Your mum might be someone for whom love is shown via active tasks like cooking for people or cleaning for them etc not everyone expresses or understands support in the same way... it may be that for her she feels she is being loving towards you but it's not in the way that you have actually needed sadly.
I'd look at how she communicates with other people to see this... is she emotionally close to anyone? Is she giving anyone the type of affection you want from her? If not then very probably she just isnt capable of it and that's just not what she does to show care for someone. Which might go some way into helping you feel less like this is about how she feels about you or some reflection on you.

You said that she has a difficult childhood - do you know much about this?

Often people who have suffered a childhood trauma dissociate emotionally and spend their lives racing around being “mindless” - doing loads of “stuff” to avoid being “mindful” which would then require that they face their demons which maybe they believe will be painful (or they are not even conscious that is what they are doing).

My mother was like this - and I was a diluted version myself until recently - thinking that being a busy workaholic to provide everything for my children and pushing them to do lots of activities and achieve in education was the be all and end all. The intentions were always good. My mother was this hero woman with the cleanest kids, the cleanest house and the highest achieving kids. BUT we were all “projects” and she never once told us she loved us - never sat down for a cuddle - was dismissive and flippant if we brought any emotional issues to her.

This hurt - but you can’t give what you haven’t been given - she had a terrible life and was making the best of it just to survive. She didn’t have the emotional intelligence or insight or opportunity to address any issues.

I don’t blame her - she was not nasty - just not equipped to handle anything. I spent most of my childhood containing her MH issues.

I have had to learn to “attune” to my children’s emotional needs rather than respond as the classic fixer - I have had to learn to just listen and just be 100% present.

You are not bratty - you were emotionally neglected - but count yourself lucky that you now have the insight to understand that is what is happening - but take responsibility to fill those holes and address the deficits this will have left you with so that you can lead a better life in relationships.

Sadly your mother is extremely emotionally inept/immature.
It's quite baffling and I really do feel for you 😪
It is absolutely no reflection on you at all 💐💐💐.

My DM was a bit like this. Always cleaning, tidying up and making a fuss of doing "jobs". We never really sat and talked, certainly never hugged. She was practical in the extreme. When I was in surgery aged 11, she left the hospital to do the weekly shop. She's dead now, but tbh I don't think its affected me, our adult relationship was ok, it's just the way she was and I never really give it much thought.