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Original poster

How to word this text? Help me have boundaries

36 replies

reddoor9 · 21/06/2019 15:10

Hi,

My brother and father invited me on a holiday this summer. Money was tight so I told them my budget was £400. The holiday they wanted to do well exceeded this budget - well over £1000 before we had even arrived so I told them I couldn't go. This culminated in them both putting pressure on me to come and eventually my father said I could pay £400, send back his gifted Christmas money and he would pay for any other costs for me. I ended up agreeing as I didn't know if I would ever get to go on this holiday again with them as my father has a very possessive girlfriend and this was only booked during a brief split with them. This has meant I will not be able to go holiday with my partner this year, though we do have a few weekends away planned.

The holiday is now imminent. A couple of months ago I transferred to my dad the £400 plus the Christmas money. However, now I feel very uncomfortable in that I will have no money to buy food while out there and I don't think my father realises this, as he asked me if I was planning to get out some Euros. I regret transferring the full amount to him before and not keeping some back but I thought it best to transfer what I told him I would. I know I'm going to feel uncomfortable not putting my hand in my pocket at all during the holiday. However, I think my father and brother are excepting me to pay for myself in relation to everything while out there for a week.

How do I text him to say I'm not financially able to do this and remind them of my budget that I set when this was initially booked? I struggle with boundaries and don't want to come across aggressive or like I am taking the piss as a freeloader as I am sure he has already covered hundreds on my behalf in terms of prebooked trips and accommodation, as well as travel.
Thanks

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 21/06/2019 15:39

I think you just need to be honest.
'Dad, you mentioned me getting Euros. You know my full budget was £400. I don't have any other money. If this is going to cause an issue while away then please let me know now and you can cancel my booking. I just don't have the funds to even feed myself when I am over there'

I am surprised you didn't take this into consideration though.
If it's not all inclusive then you would need to feed yourself.

Original poster

reddoor9 · 21/06/2019 15:42

Yes I know but I did state the £400 was to include everything including food. And based on the Euros comment I suspect this is now forgotten

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 21/06/2019 15:43

How much was the christmas money? You really shouldn't have caved in and agreed to this

I think you should ask him for all the money back apart from his christmas money and say you can't afford it.

Desmondo2016 · 21/06/2019 15:43

I'm guessing your father isn't very daddy like. Why can't you just have a conversation with him?

Original poster

reddoor9 · 21/06/2019 15:45

Christmas money was £200. I do want to be honest and have a conversation with him but I don’t know how to word it

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 21/06/2019 15:54

You could text

I don't have any other money, I thought 600 would be the whole amount needed. As I can't afford anything else, I can drop out, please send me the 400 back

autumndreaming · 21/06/2019 16:13

Did you make it very clear that you wouldn't be taking spending money? Because from what you've written here I don't think it is clear.

Original poster

reddoor9 · 21/06/2019 16:18

I said £400 is the budget and that is to cover everything including food etc. I felt that was clear. If there were exceptions I would have stated them. But I stated it was to cover “everything”.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 21/06/2019 16:21

You're going to have to be honest,,,but have you really no money at all you can't even feed yourself?

Did you not know thr board basis when it was booked?

Original poster

reddoor9 · 21/06/2019 16:24

I have very little money and certainly not to cover a week’s worth of eating out in restaurants for lunch and dinner. I could probably cover two days. I suspect the cost could end up going into several hundred pounds.

OP posts:

Original poster

reddoor9 · 21/06/2019 16:26

But I was clear with my budget and transferred the full amount. I don’t want to be pushed to exceeding that. I was very clear on my budget and that I wouldn’t be attending should it exceed my budget. But now I’m in a position where I feel I have no options. I can’t pull out.

OP posts:

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 21/06/2019 16:28

You will need to be very clear and blunt. Say what shoxfordian suggests (but it's 600). Stick to that even if he tells you it's too late to cancel and refuses to give you a penny back. "I'm sorry I can't afford to go on this holiday" on endless repeat. I imagine that if you did go your father would spend the rest of the holiday begrudging you every penny. Whatever happens don't go on holiday with either of them again.

Your do recognise that your father and brother are both bullies don't you? You can't have a conversation with bullies.

Jeezoh · 21/06/2019 16:30

Can you say something like “I think there’s been a misunderstanding. I thought I’d made it clear that the £400 I transferred to you was to cover everything, including food. I assumed you’d understood this when you offered to cover everything else for me. If the misunderstanding is mine, then I’m afraid I’ll have to drop out as I simply don’t have the ability to find X Euros”

Did you have the initial conversation by text or email - could you send screenshots?

Original poster

reddoor9 · 21/06/2019 16:30

I just feel like saying I’m going to pull out at this very late stage after so much cost is the absolute nuclear option. There must be a way of saying my situation without talking about pulling out in the first instance

OP posts:

growlingbear · 21/06/2019 16:30

Just tell him. You've already tried telling him often enough. Does he usually not listen to you and dismiss what you say?
Explain that's it: £600 is your absolute limit including spending money and if this is a problem, you'd like your money back, and if it isn't a problem you want to make sure people won't be commenting and making you feel bad for not being able to afford a holiday you were absolutely clear was out of your price range from the start.
Don't apologise. But don't budge from those two options: return the money or understand that the extras will need to be funded by him, as already explained.

another20 · 21/06/2019 16:30

What else is going on here? Are you able to speak openly to your Dad is your DB an issue? Is the possessive GF going?

If it’s SC - can you buy your own food there and just join them for a drink if they are eating out.

Are you anxious about spending TIME with them both or spending money?

Original poster

reddoor9 · 21/06/2019 16:31

Yes I’ve got screenshots

OP posts:

growlingbear · 21/06/2019 16:32

I agree they are bullying you. Horrible behaviour: Return your bloody Christmas money! Does he want to be with you or not?

Original poster

reddoor9 · 21/06/2019 16:32

This is all excellent advice thank you so much. It’s the money that is the issue not spending time and no the girlfriend isn’t going

OP posts:

another20 · 21/06/2019 16:37

Why have you screen shots - did you think this would happen - do they frequently ‘misunderstand’ you?

Do you want to spend time with these two? Or is it FOG (fear, obligation, guilt)?

If you have issues with boundaries is this because of the behaviour of your DF or DB?

Original poster

reddoor9 · 21/06/2019 16:38

Sorry I don’t have screenshots what I mean is the original conversation was in WhatsApp so I have the ability to screenshot the old messages

OP posts:

another20 · 21/06/2019 16:44

Could the original messages have been misunderstood?

mrsm43s · 21/06/2019 16:48

If you don't go, how are you going to feed yourself? You need to eat/drink wherever you are.

Use the money you would have spent for food and incidental spends at home for food and incidental spends on holiday. This might mean saying no to eating out, and buying from the supermarket instead.

Why on earth would you think you Dad was going to feed/water you all week?

another20 · 21/06/2019 16:51

Why would withdrawing from a holiday that you have paid for and which would not impact them financially be “The nuclear option”?

Why would they just not respect your decision? Do you expect them to erupt with anger?

You do need to do some work on your boundaries - why have you been pressurised into going on an expensive holiday with these people - why did you feel able to prioritise yourself and your partners annual holiday together over this?

burnyburny · 21/06/2019 16:52

Why on earth would you think you Dad was going to feed/water you all week?

Because he told her he would.

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