Dh wants us to go in "relate"...

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Does it work ? You may find my story boring so I'm going to try to keep it short. DH have been together for almost 5 years and married 1 year. We have 2 dds, 1 is 3yo and dd2 is 3 months old. We are arguing almost everyday, and there are few main topics :1) Money and the way he manages it
2) The fact that we are going to France in 2 weeks time and he knew I was reluctant to go but as our childminder asked us to rent it for her daughter's wedding, DH jumped on the bargain and he makes even a double bargain by going to France to my parents place as everything is going to be pretty much free. 3) The fact he doesnt really pay attention to my lovely DD2, sometimes it's like she's invisible..when we had first dd1, he was not like this, he was more interested. I'm not happy at the moment, he really pisses me off...I probably guess it's because I'm all hormonal but it cant be all down to me if we are having problems...and FUCKING HELL yes we are having problems so shouldnt we try to sort it out our problems here instead of going to France for 2 weeks in my parents place ??

thinga always look better when youare holiday, maybe going to france,without the pressure of qwork , house, finace might help you see things in perspective a bit more. For the record, I am sure its not all your fault. I have never been to relate, but am thinking about it myself.

Thank you for your answer ! I'm really scared to involve a third person in our problem. The reason of why I dont want to go to France is that we are going to stay with my parents..we are not going to be free to be ourselves and do whatever we want...we are going to be guests in their place, and with 2 kids I dont feel conforatble to go there...but it's probably difficult to understand

Relate can be very helpful in sorting out communication issues and helping you to listen to each other - which is a skill. It is amazing how a relationship can improve simply by practising some listening skills. Relate will also help you to talk about and listen to each other's picture of relationships be talking about your familes. You do need to feel relatively comfortable with your counsellor, so if you don't, don't give up but ask for a different counsellor.

Thank you ladymuck..it's going to be hard to express myself verbally..I have just re-read what I've written on this thread...it doesnt really makes sense

i understand what u mean........u are going to have to put on a big charade in front of your parents, and you cant actualy be urself.......and u will have to refrain from wanting to beat the shit out of him when he pisses u off.obviously problems work both ways in a relationship, but have u spoke to the gp,my hormones were all over the place when i had ds and i knew myself i wasnt right so he kept changing my pill to give me a heslthy balance of hormones

But it can be a lot easier to overome sifficulties in expressing yourself if you know that someone is listening and is keen to find out what you really mean. Active listening will include skills such as asking open questions and reflecting back in order to ensure that your partner has understood what you are trying to say.

yes fuckoff you perfectly understand...I dont want to be 2 weeks pretending...its too exausting...If I was rich and child less I would go for a break on my own

I just want to be happy and feeling secure and feeling happy again and looking forward the future but Im not

lol i know exactly what u mean......u know hes only doing it because if u start on him at ur mum and dads they'll feel sorry for him and think ur a total cow to live with and he will get loads of sympathy......dp likes to do this and my mother is always sucked in,she thinks the sun shines out of his arse

i felt like this and thought i needed prozac.......but the doctor changed my contaceptive pill a few times until we found the right balance and al is well (mostly)

My mum loves DH, when he goes to my place, it's like the king has arrived

is he unhappy?

can he take the kids on holiday while you go to counselling?

in my opinion, and it's only my opinion, holidays are farking stressful. It's all that time together. If your holidays are normally good times for the two of you, I'd go. If they normally end up with both of you hissing the word divorce, I'd seriously consider not going.

I dont take any pills but I had PND with my dd1

we are talking about divorce, relate is the last chance

WEL THEY COULD PUT U ON HE CONTRACEPTIVE PILL JUST TO SORT UR HORMONES OUT, DO U THINK THAT U MIGHT HAVE PND??????, IF U HAVE HAD IT BEFORE, ARE THE SIGNS THERE????

Relate can work for some people. The situation when it is unlikely to work is when one partner has decided to finish things but agrees to go thru the motions to make them feel less guilty or so they can say "I tried everything"!!

It's encouraging your dh wants to go along, that obviously means he is serious about trying to save the marriage. I would try and go along with a positive attitude if you want to try and salvage things. Obviously this depends on what you want howevewr. LIfe with young kids is mega stressful, if you can get through this stage then you will come out the stronger for it. I speak as someone whose dh did leave btw!!

I dont have PND, I'm just feeling sad in general and I take it hard to cope with DD1 who is 3...I lose patience very easily..my life is : I look after the dds all day (well when I'm not on mumsnet) then dh comes back and only looks after DD1 and me and DD2 dont exist until DD1 goes to bed...its pretty boring especially now because DD1 has chicken pox and we cant go out...so yes it's hard and we are going to France and I'm dreading it...for me going to France, it's not real holidays, we only go so my parents can see my children but it's pretty boring but it does suit perfectly well DH as it's a really chep option

Thank you all for sharing your experiences with me !!

it is hard when they are that age - has dd1 got a nursery place yet?

I think relate sounds like a positive move, it really does.

But I also think it sounds like you need to be doing a bit more for yourself.

Do you do any exercise or get a chance to go out with friends etc.?

I never found holidays at all relaxing when kids were little. You spent the whole time running after them and carting all their bits and pieces around. They certainly didn't appreciate being abroad or whatever.

You are just going thru a very difficult stage in life atm and lots of blokes tbh do not enjoy babies or very young kids. If they hang around however they can be brilliant with older ones. My waste of space ex is much better with the kids now.

Fox - dd1 is going to pre school on the 20 th of september so not before a long time ! and she's hard and with this weather

Caroline - Yes you understand my point, I dont want to go..I 'm going ot feel under pressure and my parents are also a bit weird, which doesnt help..I'm sorry about your ex

oh have just seen that dd2 is ONLY 3 months! My goodness woman - you are probably still completely knackered. Cut yourself a break and try and put your feet up a bit!

well I'm on the computer a lot when I'm not putting a dvd towatch for DD1, I'm really ashame to say, I dont have the strenght to play all day

I wouldnt go on this holiday if you have to put a show on for the whole time you are there.
I think counselling may be the way forward for you. If you have had PND in the past then you probably have your own issues to deal with ( did you have counselling when you had PND). It wont get better on its own.

I would say if your dh wants to go to relate then he has something he needs to talk to you about but he doesn't know how or thinks he won't be listened to.

I would go if I were you, it certainly can't do any harm and will probably make your relationship much better. Presumably there are reasons why he is acting how his is, maybe he thinks you have pnd and is worried about you and focussing on you and that is why he is not so interested in new dd?