Funeral shock - should I tell my husband

[Wedchick]

We were at the funeral of my father in law when I was approached by my husband estranged half brother. He went on to tell me of ongoing sexual abuse of his sister's when they were small children at the hands of his father. Our side were told he left his wife after she tried to run him down with the car but the brother said that happened when she found photos of the children in his car.

My husband has recently been hospitalized with a newly diagnosed delusional disorder which often manifests after sexual abuse and I had long suspected all was not right in their childhood home. He has a fear of his father and authority but had blocked or most of his childhood and can't recall being abused himself (I had asked him years ago as that was my guess). So my question is as the father and sister in question have both passed and my husband is finally starting to feel well again, do I dredge this up with him and his psychologist or just let it lie. I'm not 100% the step brother is right but he claims my mother in law knew and protected her kids from him. It might give my husband the missing pieces of the puzzle

How terrible. Speak to your DH’s psychologist first. They should be able to advise and help DH deal with the news (if his step-brother is bringing it up now, it likely he will find out eventually and it will be much better for him if this new information is delivered in a managed way so he’s able to process it safely.

I think keeping something of this magnitude from your H would be really wrong. But definitely think the PP is right about contacting his psychologist and making sure things are as steady as possible in his life.

@PaddingtonMare

She can't speak to his psychiatrist without his permission. If in UK you'll be lucky to get hold of them.

Really difficult one. It's knowing him I suppose, sounds like it's s high possibility doesn't it. Poor man.

I personally would want to know, maybe tell him and offer to bury it or support him if he wants to look further into it.

Good luck

@Wedchick what disorder has your husband been displaying my husband was sexually abused while he was young and has been taking seizure like attacks since we had our daughter.

I wouldn't bring up the past for your husband as I don't think it will bring any positive things out of it. It may only make him regret not making him pay for what he did.

@pinkoneblueone he has been diagnosed with a delusional disorder where he creates a new reality in his head when things go wrong. When he was hospitalised his mum had become ill and he was convinced he had found a cure that the doctor had missed. He was obsessed with science and medical research and ended up going psychotic and losing touch with reality completely ( it's what Leonardo Di Caprio had in shutter island if you have seen that movie)

It may only make him regret not making him pay for what he did.

I know this from supporting someone, but it was domestic and physical abuse, not sexual.

It's awful, it haunts them and is so painful to see. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Counselling seems to be working and I think it's beneficial if at the stage of the above quote.

What a horrible situation.

My hunch would be it is best to tell him, but that is just a personal feeling without any knowledge of what's actually best for someone with his disorder and set of circumstances.

Is there anyone expert you can seek advice from about this? Perhaps it is possible to approach a different psychologist for general telephone advice if you wouldn't be able to be in touch with your husband's psychologist without him being there too.

For what it's worth, there have been similar things in my family and in our case it did help the people in question to be told. Even though the perpetrator was long dead, and the fact he couldn't be made to "pay" was upsetting to some degree, it has helped the victims make sense of their own self-sabotaging behaviours and problems. Also, at least one feels that although the abuser's dead, he has been punished because he is no longer honoured in people's memories, and is someone who would have cared how he was remembered.

If you do decide to tell him, could you time it for when the psychologist is present, or right before he is due a session?

Honestly I wouldn’t tell him. Your dh is mentally unwell, what good could possibly come of telling him?

Sometimes we keep secrets because it’s kinder for the ones we love.

Say nothing!

Is it really not possible to talk to someone's psychiatrist to give them pertinent information?

Maybe if you can't talk to the person who is attending to your dh, you might want to talk to another professional in the same field to get advice.

There's no reason you can't contact your DH's psychiatrist and give them this information. The doctor can't tell you anything, of course. He/she can't answer questions or tell you what to do. But he/she can frame your DH's treatment sessions in such a way as to either bring this information out of him or to lead him into questioning the possibility of the abuse having happened. If nothing else, it will be a piece of the puzzle of your DH's illness.

Do you think your DH would be open to a joint session with his counselor where you can tell him what you were told with the counselor there to mediate or help him deal with the information?

It might be possible to send the information to the psychiatrist in a registered letter. But he or she most likely suspects past trauma and may be working toward addressing the issue (depending on what kind of therapeutic approach s/he is using).

Agree with AcrossthePond - the doctor can't discuss your H's treatment with you (without H's permission). But you can convey this information to the doctor, and it might well be useful.

This alternate reality will be something his unconscious mind created when he was very little and in the thick of the trauma. I would think that if he knew something had probably happened to him it may actually help him to deal with things.

I agree with contacting the psychologist though (people are saying psychiatrist but you said psychologist in your OP and I think its more likely to be a psychologist)

Personally, I couldn't keep something like that from my partner but I completely understand your dilemma and really feel for you. What an awful thing to be lumbered with

Yikes. That's a load to bear. I think doctors act better the more information they have to work on, so I would probably tell his psychiatrist. It may form their thinking about his treatment. I wouldn't tell your husband directly, particularly not now while he's unwell.

The only person who generally benefits from secrecy around abuse is the abuser.

If I was your DH and was struggling with this long-buried trauma, I would want and need this information. If I later found out that you knew and didn't tell me, I would find that hard to forgive.

As a PP suggested I would give him the information as close before a therapy session as possible.

There is nothing stopping you from contacting your Husband's medical practitioner, however, they cannot ''tell'' you anything.

In the early day's of Mum's dementia, I faxed her Doctor with my concerns. That was put in her records and its been acknowledged by the Doctor when I visited for other reasons.

There is also the factor of whether the information is accurate. The source is a very angry son and his mother who fil left for another woman. The other family members all think fil was a great man and have never mentioned any sort of abuse. The children in question are both deceased and my mil has late stage dimentia so we will probably never know for sure

What a horrible situation for all of you.

I agree with Acrossthepond. Tell the psych and they can either use or not use the information. Don't tell your husband. I don't think it would do any good.

Tell all the circumstances you have just described in your letter to the psych. They can make of it what they want.

And how exactly do you you get to have conversations with his psychologist?
That's strange.

I also think you would be best to tell his psychologist. Perhaps the hospital will be able to assist you on the best way to communicate this awful information. Seeing as you thought there was some kind of childhood abuse, I would believe it.

@pinkoneblueone

Google “conversion disorder”. Sometimes seizures with no organic cause can be a symptom of this.

If he is in hospital, you will be able to see his consultant or someone who is working with them.
I would explain that to them and let them decide what they think is best. It is NOT a question of talking about your husband and confidentiality. It’s an issue about
1- giving them the info that might be helpful for the treatment
2- getting advice on whether it’s appropriate to tell him or not (such a news might well bring a hell of a lot of memories back - I’ve noticed he has become ill at about the same time his father died...- and make even more unwell)

You need to talk to the people involved in his care.

@FuriousVexation as someone who.suffered secual.abuse as a child and suppressed many memories, talking finally to my sister and finding out about her side of the story was one of the most beneficial moments of my life.
OP, I understand you want to protect him, but the abuse has already happened. Being able to piece your own childhood together, making sense of what happened can be transformative.

Wedchick I think it’s a pretty normal thing for other family members to think the abuser is a great man.
And I would be pretty angry at a man who tried to abuse or abused my children/the man who abused me.

What you are describing doesn’t say that the ‘information’ is unreliable. Actually it’s more likely that assuming it can be true because they are angry/everyone else think he is great is how abusers get away with it and people brush doubts under the carpet.
I tend to go with the ‘I believe you’ when someone is reporting rape. What would the step brother have to gain from saying things like this if they weren’t true?