Funeral shock - should I tell my husband

[Wedchick]

We were at the funeral of my father in law when I was approached by my husband estranged half brother. He went on to tell me of ongoing sexual abuse of his sister's when they were small children at the hands of his father. Our side were told he left his wife after she tried to run him down with the car but the brother said that happened when she found photos of the children in his car.

My husband has recently been hospitalized with a newly diagnosed delusional disorder which often manifests after sexual abuse and I had long suspected all was not right in their childhood home. He has a fear of his father and authority but had blocked or most of his childhood and can't recall being abused himself (I had asked him years ago as that was my guess). So my question is as the father and sister in question have both passed and my husband is finally starting to feel well again, do I dredge this up with him and his psychologist or just let it lie. I'm not 100% the step brother is right but he claims my mother in law knew and protected her kids from him. It might give my husband the missing pieces of the puzzle

Sorry, not assuming it can be true but assuming it CAN’T be true

As a wife, I can't imagine how you can keep this to yourself, just from my perspective, I couldn't! Not judging you, just thinking how I can't even hide birthday gifts from my DH very successfully.

Putting myself in the Psychologist's shoes - I wouldn't want to receive your letter really. I'd prefer for him to tell me. What would you want the Psychologist to do if you didn't tell your DH? I wouldn't want to be put in the position of keeping this from him but it wouldn't be my place to tell him. You're the closest person to him, you'd be the best person to hear it from.

Is he well resourced enough to cope with the news? Only you and he could begin to answer that, however, consider this - it isn't really news to him, if it happened to him as you suspect. It may have been suppressed, but it hasn't been, not really, as you hypothesise that it underlies his delusional disorder. Perhaps if he gets trauma therapy, this could really help his mental health in the long run.

Plenty of sexual abusers are thought to be "great" by outsiders. That means nothing.

What it boils down to is it's likely your husband is actually suffering from trauma and won't receive appropriate treatment/support to heal from that if it's kept secret.

Dissociation to survive sexual abuse is a normal response to protect oneself. Once traumatised it can then become problematic. It makes perfect sense that somebody who experienced great trauma as a child would respond and struggle as you're outlining here.

Even with the memories shut away doesn't mean the feelings associated with the memories won't continue to be activated by external triggers in the future.

If he doesn't know he's experiencing totally normal trauma reactions he can't be kind to himself, can't take care of himself, and ultimately is limited in how much he can really heal beyond calming down each bad episode as it arises. But without necessarily ever reducing how often they arise because the underlying cause hasn't been addressed. It's a little like if someone broke their leg but you just loaded them up on painkillers and gave them a wheelchair to get around but left them with an open fracture.

I appreciate your dilemma, and it needs dealing with gently, but it's a critical piece of his jigsaw that potentially enables more appropriate and targeted care for trauma. He may never be ready to deal with it, but if he's working with professionals in a way where you could speak to them I'd consider it, even if just to say you're concerned about supporting him.

I wouldn't expect him to say "oh, yes, you're right, I was abused" if you ask him. Denial is protective. And children can take a long time to ever understand what happened to them as abuse. But you could gently share what you were told with reassurance it doesn't change how you see him and no questioning. Just perhaps "I wonder if this is an extra piece of your jigsaw puzzle that could help you recover"...

Don't tell him. It isn't even factual information and if he's on the mend, this will most likely set him back.

Through his therapy he might uncover the sexual abuse and be in a position then to deal with it.

I would talk to the psychologist he is seeing before telling him or not. They are in a better position to tell you if releasing this truths at this time is going to help him or totally destroy him.

As others have suggested get advice from a professional. Actually Mind have a good advice service. I feel for you OP what a difficult position to be in

@PaddingtonMare

She can't speak to his psychiatrist without his permission.

Don't be idiotic. Of course the psychiatrist can't discuss his patient or reveal his patient's information without the patient's permission.

That is completely different from the psychiatrist receiving information about the patient from the OP or a third party.

Imagine:

Caller: I live next door to your patient and this morning he told me he plans to kill himself on Tuesday by jumping from the top of the Bt Tower.
Psychiatrist: I can't speak to you goodbye.

This is the trouble with the internet - well meaning people post utter garbage.

I agree with others that you should relay this information to the treating professionals. It may actually be better to do it in writing so that you have a full account now of exactly what was said to you that is accurate - as memory will fade. You can also be clear about what you are asking for -

• whether it is clinically appropriate for you to tell him or whether he should know at all.

• whether it is better this information is not revealed to him at all.
• if it is to be conveyed to him, whether it is better you do it alone or do it in the presence of a psychiatrist/psychologist or whether the psychiatrist/psychologist does it alone.

The other option is for you to see a separate opinion from a different professional. They are likely to say that they can't give a full view without his medical history but you may get some guidance as to the best way to handle it without putting the treating professional in an ethically compromised position.

Thanks for clarifying everyone, i should have been more clear.

@Wedchick - your DH is receiving medical care - the professionals are much better placed than you or the internet to decide about if and how the information should be revealed.

Op, why can’t you tell him what his half brother said in the context of no one knows if it’s true or not? You’re not about to tell him facts, you’re just going to tell him what he said and open it up for questioning in his own mind. He’s not going to suddenly relive everything and go nuts. If he’s delusional in stressful situations and he finds this stressful then these coping mechanisms will protect him surely?

@JohnandMary thank you, that is pretty worrying that it could be that as we were told they are pseudo seizures and was not caused by any other psychological issues only caused by the abuse he had suffered.

@Wedchick

Just wanted to say, your hubby is very lucky to have you supporting him.

Remember to look after yourself too x