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Original poster

Is it okay to be upset that bf wants to spend his brithday evening with his son (and ex)

35 replies

Mooninthesky · 20/06/2019 16:01

I've been with bf for 9 months and things are going well between us, with the odd hiccup from time to time. His communication skills are poor and he's already told me that the thinks he's on the autistic spectrum, which sort of makes sense.

It's his birthday in a couple of weeks and I said that I'd like to mark the occasion and he's now told me that he'll be spending the evening with this 16 yo DS who lives with his ex wife, but we can go out the following evening. That's fine.

The bit I find hard is that he'll be spending a special occasion with his ex. They spent Valentine's Day together too! He didn't even get me a card but as he wasn't very well I didn't mention it.

I don't like confrontation but I'm feeling a bit like the mistress here rather than the gf. We're serious about each other but at times he's just so insensitive. He says that he doesn't like being with his ex but he does it for the sake of the boy. They spend 2 nights a week all together and one day at the weekend. So it doesn't really make sense how you can dislike someone but spend so much time together. It's something that I live with and I'm happy that he has a lovely relationship with DS but I don't know why ex wife needs to be involved - the boy is 16!

Last year my bf spend the day alone!

I'm feeling really hurt by his actions, particularly as he's saying for us to see each other the day after. In my book that's past the time. If he suggested the evening before at least we'd wake up together but because it's all last minute I have to work that evening now.

Tbh I feel that he's spoiled the occasion and feel so hurt that he's changed the plans. I haven't said anything about how I feel to him - do you think I should or just keep quiet as I've done a few times before with him? x

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/06/2019 16:08

Why are you together at all?. It sounds pretty rubbish for you to be honest.

He sounds like he is very much involved with his ex and you seem to be an option to him rather than a priority. What is all this with him stating that he could be on the ASD spectrum?. Also it should not be this hard after a mere 9 months into a relationship, relationships should not be such hard work honestly.

Lllot5 · 20/06/2019 16:08

His son should come first. Be glad he has a good relationship with his ex.
You’ve only known him five minutes I wouldn’t appreciate any body telling me how o can spend my time. If you like it you what to do.

Teacakeandalatte · 20/06/2019 16:13

Yes he seems a bit too friendly with his ex I would wonder if he hopes to get back with her.

Birdie6 · 20/06/2019 16:17

They spend 2 nights a week all together and one day at the weekend

His son is 16 - so your BF spends two night a week and a weekend day playing happy families with his ex and son....AND he spent Valentines Day with his ex as well ?? Did he tell you that Valentines Day was "for the sake of the boy" as well ?

Sorry but there is something really wrong with this picture. He is playing you for a fool OP. Sixteen year olds don't need Daddy to come and spend the night with him and his mother twice a week . His son should surely be spending time with his father away from Mum, not as a cosy threesome at her place.

Forget the birthday plans - the birthday is just another example of a very strange and unhealthy story which just shouldn't be happening.

You've wasted 9 months on this cheeky twat - you never say anything about his actions "because he was sick" or "because he thinks he is on the autism spectrum" . Sorry but he is treating you really badly and you deserve much better.

dragonway · 20/06/2019 16:18

Hmmm the son is 16 not 6 so ex wifey doesn’t really need to be involved. I’m all for maintaining harmony for sake of kids but Valentine’s Day? WTF? That’s weird.

upple · 20/06/2019 16:22

Not many girlfriends would be ok with this, is he divorced or just separated?

Original poster
Mooninthesky · 20/06/2019 16:24

Sorry I didn't make it clear about Valentine's Day. We were going away for the weekend on 15 February so it sort of just happened rather than being planned. His son called him when I was there the night before and said that he wanted to see his dad that week and that was the only evening before we went away

OP posts:
Original poster
Mooninthesky · 20/06/2019 16:25

He left the family home about 6 years ago and has been divorced for about 4 years.

OP posts:
GreyCloud0 · 20/06/2019 16:31

Why can’t his son stay at his when he wants to see him?
Why does he have to go and spend the evening with his ex ?

Can’t he take him out for tea etc instead?

GreyCloud0 · 20/06/2019 16:34

To be honest it’s an unusual set up your bf having to go and spend the evening at his ex house 3 times a week and one I wouldn’t be happy with either.

pikapikachu · 20/06/2019 16:46

It's not weird that he'd rather see his son over you but it's very weird that xw is at all these celebrations. How far between his house and xw house? How many bedrooms at his place?

pikapikachu · 20/06/2019 16:57

It's a major red flag that your bf doesn't have good boundaries with his ex.

I think that you are too accepting of his lack of effort. You say that he wasn't well enough to buy a card yet he traveled to see his son. Assuming that he buys his food in a supermarket like 99.99% of the population, there's no excuse not to pick up a card and a small gift like flowers or chocolates.

If he didn't like his ex much he would take his son out or drive him to his house. Personally I don't think that he's ready for a serious relationship until he establishes boundaries with the ex.

I have teens and they spend their weekends working, going out with friends, relaxing alone in their rooms... They don't have the time to have quality time with Dad for the amount that your bf is around there for. My ex sees the kids every other weekend but there's times where they don't because there's a party or whatever.

Hopoindown31 · 20/06/2019 17:59

Who spends valentines with their 16 yo old son.

From what you've described perhaps his ex isn't completely and ex. I knew of a guy who was sleeping with his ex-wife regularly for years after their divorce.

Equalityumber · 20/06/2019 18:20

This set up is ridiculous. You deserve better.

HappyRoots · 20/06/2019 18:36

Honestly, I would get out now. I had a relatively v. amicable divorce from my ex-H, but no way would I have wanted to spend that much time each week in his company and he wouldn't have wanted to spend that much time with me either. I think kids need to see that mum and dad are pleasant and respectful to each other at least if possible, but playing at happy families still is just confusing for a child - and it sounds like that is what they're doing. It's really common, even in a child of that age, for them to hold out hopes that their mum and dad will get back together and that's not good if it's not a possibility. It just sounds like your BF doesn't have boundaries in place. Is his ex-wife seeing anyone else at all?

BumbleBeee69 · 20/06/2019 18:42

End this OP .. find someone who treats you as a partner not a friend with benefits Flowers

C0untDucku1a · 20/06/2019 18:47

Ridiculous. He is 16!!!!! He isnt a toddler who needs an unbroken routine.

It has been less than a year and already rocky. Dump and move on. And sort out your expectations.

Seniorschoolmum · 20/06/2019 18:48

If your dp is autistic, he wants to see his son and they socialise by spending the evening perhaps playing computer games together on his son’s console,he may simply not realise how hurtful his actions are.
From a purely logical point of view, he wants to spend time with his ds, that’s easiest at his ds’s home where all the kit is, so that’s what he does.
He’s been separated 6 years & divorced 4, he’s told you he doesn’t like his ex. As far as he is concerned, he’s covered that issue.

Dating someone with autism isn’t always easy. You need to explain why you feel hurt, calmly and without blaming him. Perhaps offer an alternative solution that works for you. Brew

Seniorschoolmum · 20/06/2019 18:51

Also autism is hereditary. Is the ds on the spectrum too? Needing a secure routine at 16, I wonder...

Original poster
Mooninthesky · 20/06/2019 21:27

Seniorschoolmum I think you’re absolutely right in what your saying. We did have a chat a few months ago and he said he’d try to be a better boyfriend, in his words. Things did improve but as the mother of an autistic daughter I do recognise some of his traits. I hadn’t thought that bfs son may be autistic too and that does make sense. Thank you

OP posts:
Equalityumber · 21/06/2019 06:51

Are you sure he’s definitely separated from his wife? You could just be a mistress and this whole spending time with the son routine is a ruse.

MrsBobDylan · 21/06/2019 07:00

It doesn't make sense and when something doesn't make sense ime, it's because there is a lie somewhere.

MzHz · 21/06/2019 09:38

I’d walk if I were you, he’s not ready or wanting to be in a proper relationship with you

You deserve better than this

Original poster
Mooninthesky · 21/06/2019 10:25

Okay so I saw bf last night and tbh I found it a struggle. I didn’t bring up the topic of his birthday but he did briefly to say he thinks DS wants to go to Nando’s. I asked who was going and he said just the 2 of them. I guess I’ve no way of knowing if he’s telling the truth. Appreciate everyone’s advice xx

OP posts:
booboo24 · 21/06/2019 13:41

I find the whole thing very weird. After 9 months why aren't you included in the plans with his son for his birthday? I had a very amicable split with my husband of 15 years (been divorced for 3 years now). He spends the evening with us as a family for our children's birthdays and if its not his turn at Christmas, he pops in on Christmas day, however my fiance is there, they usually stand and have a chat (& i'm usually the one left out!) but we don't feel the need fo spend time together weekly. At this stage you should be more prevalent in his life, whether his son is 16 or 6 is irrelevant, you should 'matter' too