Is it okay to be upset that bf wants to spend his brithday evening with his son (and ex)

[Mooninthesky]

I've been with bf for 9 months and things are going well between us, with the odd hiccup from time to time. His communication skills are poor and he's already told me that the thinks he's on the autistic spectrum, which sort of makes sense.

It's his birthday in a couple of weeks and I said that I'd like to mark the occasion and he's now told me that he'll be spending the evening with this 16 yo DS who lives with his ex wife, but we can go out the following evening. That's fine.

The bit I find hard is that he'll be spending a special occasion with his ex. They spent Valentine's Day together too! He didn't even get me a card but as he wasn't very well I didn't mention it.

I don't like confrontation but I'm feeling a bit like the mistress here rather than the gf. We're serious about each other but at times he's just so insensitive. He says that he doesn't like being with his ex but he does it for the sake of the boy. They spend 2 nights a week all together and one day at the weekend. So it doesn't really make sense how you can dislike someone but spend so much time together. It's something that I live with and I'm happy that he has a lovely relationship with DS but I don't know why ex wife needs to be involved - the boy is 16!

Last year my bf spend the day alone!

I'm feeling really hurt by his actions, particularly as he's saying for us to see each other the day after. In my book that's past the time. If he suggested the evening before at least we'd wake up together but because it's all last minute I have to work that evening now.

Tbh I feel that he's spoiled the occasion and feel so hurt that he's changed the plans. I haven't said anything about how I feel to him - do you think I should or just keep quiet as I've done a few times before with him? x

I agree with other posters. Why are you even together, you are never going to be any sort of priority with a man who still panders to the ex. If my boyfriend of even 5 years did this, he would be getting the boot but I admit I screen fiercely so I don't end up with the likes of these men.

So they spent valentines day together, I'm sorry but you may be a bit of stuff on the side for this guy and maybe she didn't want him, but keeps him around to avoid being lonely, its got nothing to do with the kid who is near on adult bar 2 years. If I was you id take my dignity and walk away, find a man who makes you a priority and stop wasting time on men who do these shenanigans. You say your serious about each other but a man who is taking his woman seriously will not entertain an ex. Kid or not. And if they do.... you steer clear from them and have some self control.

A poor relationship does not substitute a real relationship. Don't entertain half cut relations. He is lying about not liking being with his ex and I bet he has a load of messages between them hidden away too and use the kid as a excuse. Its not for the sake of the boy.

You know its lies, its whether you want to be the bit o the side while he plays happy families :D

get rid hes a waste of space :D

His son should come first. Be glad he has a good relationship with his ex.
You’ve only known him five minutes I wouldn’t appreciate any body telling me how o can spend my time. If you like it you what to do.

then they shouldn't be dating, on dating sites or the alike. If their kid is their world then stay out the dating world until its over... We are all equally important and if they cannot put enough in to be in a relationship with someone else no baggage then they should not be dating anyone.

Have you spent much time with his son so far? Might he be trying to avoid putting you and his son in an awkward situation of having to make small talk?

My 50th is coming up, and I'm having a party the weekend after. My bf just assumed I'd be spending the actual day with the (adult) kids. I hadn't planned any such thing, but when he mentioned it I felt such a bad mum that I pretended that had been the plan and quickly organised something with the kids :)

But if this is just the latest in a series of times that you've kept silent when he's offended you, then do yourself and him a favour and find yourself someone more suitable before you end up married for ten years and still biting your tongue, but with an increasing feeling of hate and doom.

I came on here thinking I would say, that’s fine, good that he still has a good relationship with his ex..... But no, this is too much. Going over every week? Valentines Day? I like my ex, but I won’t be spending Valentines Day with him any time soon.......

Agree with other posters OP, it's on things having a healthy and amicable relationship, not so much staying over... especially not at 16

It just doesn't sound like a very enjoyable relationship.

he's already told me that the thinks he's on the autistic spectrum
well i'm an aspie and even i can see that this is not ok.
He's still attached to his old life with his ex.

He needs to sort his boundaries out.
You need to be frank and honest with him.
He needs to make some changes with regards to how/where he spends his access time with his son.
Does he live with you or on his own?

i wouldn't tolerate this 3 months into a relationship let alone 9!

Hmmm ex malarkey! Doesn't the son visit him, why has the ex got to be fully involved anyway? This is what I don't get with some exs' ( not together but blimming together!).

OP no point suffering in silence, you need to speak up, this set up has to stop as you obviously feel you're at the bottom of his priority. If it doesn't change, then time to walk. I'd be livid if my DP even dreams of spending Valentine's day with his ex let alone mentioning it. How many 16 year olds cry for daddy these days?

OP....you should have explained the valentine's day thing better. With your second post about it, it makes sense. That was the only day that week he could see his DS.

I don't understand why his DS can't go to his house though...visits don't need to be at the Ex's house.

For her to be okay with it she clearly has no issue with your DP or she's tolerating it because her DS is the one who doesn't want to go to his dad's.

My nephew the same age, makes his way to his dad's (DBs house) on his own.

How many more years will him going over to.his Ex's carry on? Being amicable is great and benefits the DC...but I don't understand why visitation is at her house. It doesn't give the father/son alone time, if she's always there.

Yes, sorry I'd didn't explain the Valentine situation better.

I think I've decided just to sit it out for a while and see how it pans out. I've got myself so upset so often and when I do speak to him he's so nice about it and seems to be completely unaware about how I feel unless I say something. That's why I said at the beginning about him being on the autistic spectrum - I think half the problem with us is that we think about stuff in a completely different way, and maybe I just need to come to terms with that.