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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to stay with DP when I have no libido

27 replies

Wheresmyshittingmeat · 20/06/2019 14:51

What am I supposed to do when the only thing that will stop us from splitting up is to have sex? I just don't want to. I haven't wanted to for years but have done it because I know I have to. Over the last three months, I have had health problems, a gynae operation, major work issues, anxiety and DC doing GCSEs. I'm exhausted, stressed and menopausal and sex is the very last thing I want to do. The gynae problems have left me fearful of sex too. My DP has been understanding but this is now coming to an end and I know he is hurt by my lack of interest. He has been talking about leaving so this morning I told him to go if he needs to. There is only one solution and that is that we have sex. I can't face it so I guess we need to split up. It's not what we want but I can't see any other solution apart from me just "getting on with it". I have a background of abuse and this is something I just can't do.

Any advice please because I'm at my wit's end with it. Thanks

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 20/06/2019 14:59

Have you had therapy for your past abuse and the surrounding fear / association of sex with abuse? It won’t be a quick fix by any means but even discounting your current situation you’d absolutely benefit from it.

Alternatively, would you and your DH consider an open marriage? If lack of sex genuinely is the only issue with your marriage, would it be a viable option to agree he seeks it elsewhere?

BarbedBloom · 20/06/2019 15:08

For me it isn't just about sex, but about knowing someone wants to have sex with me. It could be he has picked up on you not being into it for a while and now this is the breaking point.

It needs a conversation. I would be fine with waiting if I knew my partner was aware of the situation and happy to have therapy or keep talking to me about it. Or you can consider an open relationship. But unfortunately sex can be a major part of a relationship for some, as it is for me, and as you shouldn't be having sex you don't want, it may mean letting him go

MMmomDD · 20/06/2019 15:11

Have you thought of opening up your relationship?
If everything else works and this is the only thing that you don’t want and can’t fix - why not think of a creative solution?
It’s not fair on him not having sex.
And it’s not fair on you to have to.
So - outsource?

SandyY2K · 20/06/2019 15:32

It's quite easy to pick up on someone not being into it, but doing it like a chore.

The problem with an open relationship is feelings of jealousy creep in. Many people don't want sex, but don't want their OH being intimate with anyone else either.

Even if they agree to an open relationship, they could catch feelings and fall in love with the other person and leave you anyway.

If you never want to have sex again, then let him go... otherwise it's like enforced celibacy.

Scott72 · 20/06/2019 16:23

You have to be brutally honest, tell him you will never, under any circumstances, want to have sex again. By the sound of it, he will want to leave, which is reasonable. If the situation were reversed wouldn't you feel the same? The only fair option for both of you is for him to leave.

ElspethFlashman · 20/06/2019 16:30

I suspect your marriage is over. It has to work for both people and the lack of intimacy is a deal breaker for him at this point, whereas the prospect of intimacy is a deal breaker for you.

I don't think there's a solution to this one, sadly.

NameChangeNugget · 20/06/2019 18:16

This seems like a problem with no other option then for him to leave

JK1773 · 20/06/2019 19:27

OP I do feel for you. In my last relationship I couldn’t bear him touching me towards the end. He was emotionally abusive though and it was a build up. I’ve always had an on off relationship with sex tbh. I’ve been single now for about 4 years bar one not so serious relationship. A lot of what puts me off dating (apart from being very happy on my own), is that I don’t want sex. I just don’t, with anyone. That’s fine for me and for you I expect but your DH needs it. Don’t feel pressured into sex to save your marriage, that will be incredibly damaging for you. You need to be honest with your DH. Can you face counselling/therapy? If not you might need to let him go and try to stay friends maybe

LexMitior · 20/06/2019 19:41

I would be honest with him. He may actually be relieved that he can leave. There is a lot of loyalty and history between you but it’s better to do this mutually than him pursue a sexual relationship with someone else while you are together. You would be terribly hurt by that even if your own libido is not active.

Original poster
Wheresmyshittingmeat · 20/06/2019 21:48

Thanks everyone. I guess I expected these responses. I've almost become anti sex. The whole world is obsessed with it and men can't be trusted. I need to look at myself though as I've had several failed relationships and this is a theme. Apart from my current DP all have cheated on me and/or abused me. I feel broken and like my life has not turned out how I wanted it too. I feel like a total failure. Apologies for this sounding so pathetic but it's exactly how I feel. I don't think this stage of my life is helping either.

OP posts:
Whosorrynow · 20/06/2019 21:58

You are not a failure, you're not broken, you're a valuable person
Yes you might be bent out of shape, you and me both, lots of other people too
I'm post menopause, very low sex drive now

LizzieSiddal · 20/06/2019 22:02

Oh gosh you poor thing. You’ve been through so much.

Have you had therapy for your past abuse? Does your H know about he past issues too?

Justbreathing · 20/06/2019 22:06

therapy
It’s the only way I am afraid, these feelings are clearly complex for you.

And I’m with everyone else, it may well be best for him and you if you separated

Therapy on your own btw

Devendra · 20/06/2019 22:07

Are you taking hrt? I was completely thrown sideways by menopause. It caused depression low self esteem and lack of confidence and my libido was zero. Don't underestimate how much menopause can exaggerate issues in your life. It really knocked me.

Original poster
Wheresmyshittingmeat · 20/06/2019 22:10

Thanks "Whosorry" and "Lizzie". Yes I had therapy a long time ago when I had postnatal depression. I've accepted it wasn't my fault and I've dealt with it but the effects of it carry on. I've made bad decisions and now I'm here again. Sorry for the pity fest as I know there are people worse off than me! I really need to get a grip.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wheresmyshittingmeat · 20/06/2019 22:13

”Devendra" I've got the Mirena coil Ann's am considering going to the GP to top up with Oestrogen to see if that helps. I am wondering whether the perimenopause is having a big effect too. My anxiety has gone through the roof and I feel very low in mood.

OP posts:
Devendra · 20/06/2019 22:18

The progesterone on the mirena doesn't help with the symptoms of menopause. It's the oestrogen you need. The progesterone protects your womb. Honestly I went from confident happy and care free to anxious and tearful ..I felt like a shadow. I've been on hrt for 6 months and the difference is incredible. I'm 48 my symptoms started at 46. Ask for (and look up) oestrogel. Just apply daily to your skin. .. we need oestrogen for all sorts of health reasons.

LizzieSiddal · 20/06/2019 22:19

Good idea to go to the Drs, there may be something they can do.

I would also urge you have some more therapy.
I recently had therapy at the age of 53, for things which happened years ago and it’s helped me enormously to understand what’s going on in my head. I feel so much better mentally, and am much less anxious about life.

DarkestBeforeTheDawn4 · 21/06/2019 00:00

I'm where JK was. EA and I can't bare the thought of sex now. He just won't get it that his behaviour is a big turn off. Sounds a little different to your situation but I get the never wanting to have sex again and not wanting to change that, I don't miss it and I don't care if I never do again. I also have complicating medical conditions. Dp is the one hanging on here. I love him but I'd love him to go or to accept I want to split up and not keep fighting it. There's nothing left to save in our relationship.

I think the option could be if you want to work on it (I don't) is look into therapy and tell your oh you're going to do that, but he'll need to be prepared to wait while you try and work past it. If m that's too much or too hard or just not what you want, then telling him straight out that you never want to have sex again. It's a valid choice and it's your body, your right to say no. But it's also a valid choice for him to say he can't live with that.

Mrsmummy90 · 21/06/2019 00:13

"Sorry for the pity fest as I know there are people worse off than me!"

Someone drowning in 3ft of water doesn't suffer any less than someone drowning in 10ft of water. Never apologise for struggling. Your problems are just as valid as anyone else's.

I don't have any advice for your situation but I hope you find the resolution xx

optimisticpessimist01 · 21/06/2019 12:12

Go to your GP and have a chat with them, they could suggest something or even refer you on to a specialist of some sort

Have you had a very open conversation with DP? For me it wouldn't be the no sex that would lead to ending the relationship, it would be that I wouldn't feel wanted or loved. Does DP feel like this too maybe? I think you need an honest conversation with him, saying its not about him or fancying him etc but your own issue.

Don't ever apologise for suffering OP, we all struggle at times. I love the quote that @Mrsmummy90 said. Very true!

You've taken the first steps to solving this by coming on here and seeking advice. All the best OP x

TowelNumber42 · 21/06/2019 12:32

Sounds like this relationship is over.

You talk about failed relationships. I reckon you having been making assumptions and lying to yourself and potential partners. It is fine to not want sex. It is fine to never want sex again. A sex free life. It is not OK to hide such a big thing from prospective partners. That said, no sex is about what you don't want, but what do you want from a relationship?

Social status of being in a couple? Close friendship? Someone to share the parenting workload? Someone to chat to in the evening? Someone to share the financial burden? Ready made companion for evenings out? What do you want from a relationship? Know that then be honest about it and then you stand a chance of having a good relationship. It might involve being single but having an au pair, a fun hobby and a load of mates you cultivate carefully.

Whosorrynow · 21/06/2019 12:41

@Towelnumber42 I like your thinking, I like the idea of being honest about what you want from a significant other, that it doesn't have to be the traditional/conventional 'we are everything to each other' setup

user1479305498 · 21/06/2019 15:31

I totally get you OP , I am just not into it anymore, went through menopause which didn’t help and then found partner had an emotional affair some years ago plus a chronic secret porn habit and the idea now gives me the creeps. I do join in every few weeks but in all honesty it’s not because I really want it. It’s difficult as you say because if I am totally honest with him, I don’t think it’s going to fly ! Regardless of the fact he’s not always been that kind. And I am not really wanting an open marriage either because it would be one sided

user1479305498 · 21/06/2019 15:34

The sad thing is I do actually like him as a friend/companion and it’s tgat aspect I would be sad to lose, I could stay friends, I don’t think he would because I am pretty sure he would be snapped up pronto (decent looking, well dressed, sexy job, not bad earner) and friendship would be awkward

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