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Original poster

Financial cut backs in new relationship - advice needed

27 replies

ikkledudette · 20/06/2019 10:37

I need some advice. I have been dating my boyfriend for nearly 4 months now. He has been separated for a year and has 2 young DC. He is settling into co-parenting with his XDW and I think he is still settling into a financial routine. He has been dropping hints that he needs to be more sensible with his money, mainly referring to the costs relating to our relationship. For context, we haven’t done anything what I would consider lavish since we got together. We’ve been on a couple of day trips out and about near-by and eaten out a handful on times – all of which we take turns in paying for. I am currently separated myself and am living with my parents whilst my marital home is sold so I can buy my own place, so I commute to his which is a good 50 mins away and costs me about £60 per month in fuel. I am conscious that I always stay at his, so I share the cooking and cleaning whilst I’m there to ensure I’m not using his place like a hotel as well as splitting the cost of food and drink whilst there. I wouldn’t mind, but I’m not sure what else we can cut back on tbh. He is going on a lads holiday in August which was booked before we started dating and he keeps buying himself frivolous items. These in themselves aren’t a bother to me as he is free to do as he wishes with his money, but I feel it’s a bit off to then drop passive hints how he needs to start being more sensible with money when we go out for a coffee. I’m not certain how to approach this subject with him without sounding materialistic. Any advice would be welcome.

OP posts:
CloudRusting · 20/06/2019 10:40

Next time he says somerhing I would reply

“You’ve mentioned a number of times that you need to be more sensible with money when we are out. Can you please explain what you mean exactly as I’d like to be clear.”

Highandlow · 20/06/2019 10:48

Sounds like this could cause resentment. People can get funny with money though. I agree with @clousrusting. Get him to be more clear.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 20/06/2019 11:07

He buys himself frivolous items, and hasn't cancelled his lad's holiday so he's not that concerned with spending money on himself, just on spending money being with you.

You may want to think about that.

OvalCanvas · 20/06/2019 11:10

It sounds like he's asking you to pay more than 50% for things.

OvalCanvas · 20/06/2019 11:12

It also sounds like far too much bother 4 months in. These are supposed to be the fun , carefree months.

Original poster
ikkledudette · 20/06/2019 11:14

I do think I need to be a lot more upfront and ask for clarification. I think I've been holding back in case it upsets him and that's no good in a new relationship as it's not setting firm boundaries.

I don't mind what he does with his money in general as it's none of my business, I just don't like the referencing that to needing to spend less in terms of when we're together, when we already spend so little and do so little together.

OP posts:
NameChangeNugget · 20/06/2019 11:18

What do consider to be frivolous items, for clarity?

aweedropofsancerre · 20/06/2019 11:18

Maybe you both should spend some time recovering from splitting with your partners rather than jumping into a new relationship. He has two young DC and is settling into co parenting? Sounds like a very recent split and he hadn’t even sorted out finances etc.... may be slow things down a bit and let him settle into being a part time dad and take it from there

newmomof1 · 20/06/2019 11:26

I think you do need to consider that, while you're probably giving your parents some kind of board money, he's running a whole household by himself and supporting two young children as well as trying to split things 50/50 with you.

Once a single person has paid all of their household bills plus whatever their children need, it's not unreasonable to think that paying for a meal or a day out soon starts to stretch them a little thin.
Be conscious of the fact that if he's on a water/gas/electric meter, you being there regularly could mean he's paying a lot more than when he was on his own.

There's no way he should be cancelling his lads holiday. That was on the cards before you were on the scene, and if he's come out of a long relationship does he deserve that time to just kick back if he can afford it? And if that means you have to miss out on some day trips out, so be it.

How regularly do you stay with him?

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 20/06/2019 11:29

Imo he is insisting you cut back as a couple so you will offer to pay for things for you both...
Walk away ...

honeygirlz · 20/06/2019 11:50

I think he's angling for you to pay for meals / days out / food shopping so he can spend money on frivolous crap his kids.

If he's being a miser 4 months in, I would sack him off now. Imagine what he's be like to live with.

And don't buy food 50/50 if you're spending £60 on petrol!

Actually, tell him you're saving for a new place, so he needs to come to your town half the time so you can go for a meal / day out there. You've been doing all the running to him, and he's getting complacent and entitled.

Original poster
ikkledudette · 20/06/2019 12:40

When I say frivolous items, I mean PC bits, video games, alcohol and the such. I do not count money he spends on his DC as frivolous at all. I also, do not expect him to cancel his pre-booked holiday.

I understand he's settling into a new routine as I am. Although I am living with my parents, I am still paying my half of the house (long story) as well as board at my parents, so I can assure you I don't exactly have financial freedom myself. Things for me will in fact become more stable and easy to navigate once the house is sold (which will hopefully be soon as we've just received offers).

I currently stay there 2 nights a week and am hoping for that to change when I have my own place for him to visit.

I am worried that I've made myself too convenient for him and as Honey has said, perhaps he has become entitled and complacent.

OP posts:
Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 20/06/2019 12:45

Newish single /new relationship - you should be having fun not budgeting for someone else's dc...
Imagine living together.

Beggar the thought...

gamerchick · 20/06/2019 12:46

It's simpler, he wants you to shoulder any costs in the relationship.

You need to ask him what it is he's saying looks like to him upfront.

SavoyCabbage · 20/06/2019 12:52

I’d start spending less time together not more. I think he’s angling for you to ask him to move on when you’ve got your own place. Then you can pay all of the bills.

I’d say ‘as it’s summer we can just do things that are free. And just go for walks in the countryside and the coast and things like that.

LenoVentura · 20/06/2019 12:53

He wants you to pay. I was in a relationship like this years ago. Guy was separated and his ExW had taken the children back to her home country (Europe). His business had failed and he was short of money, so his idea was that I should pay for everything - and I mean everything, for his children, who I didn't know, in another country. So effectively pay his child maintenance for him, pay for his flights and give him money to spend on a hotel when he was there. Foolishly I did that once, then discovered that he'd given the money to his Ex and slept at her home.
He also made me pay for all his kids Xmas gifts and the postage for them to be sent abroad. He failed to organise that in time, so they arrived a few days late - that was my fault because I hadn't paid for express.

Bin him, OP, he's a CF in the making.

Grumpelstilskin · 20/06/2019 12:57

Yep, you are being manipulated into paying for everything. I'd be very direct about it.

NewMe2019 · 20/06/2019 12:58

Sounds like you pay out quite a bit actually whilst he prioritises alcohol, games and PC bits.....I wouldn't be happy with this. His priority after his DC and household expenses should be his new relationship and having fun together, not cutting back on that so he can buy an xbox/playstation or whatever game.

Happinessbegins · 20/06/2019 13:06

He won’t be cutting back on his lads’ holiday will he?

newmomof1 · 20/06/2019 13:17

I honestly think he might have just realised his money is stretched much further than he thought it would be and he can't afford all the niceties
It's a tough one

GreyCloud0 · 20/06/2019 14:06

I recon he’s feeling the stretch with the recent break and then he also has his lads holiday coming up so probably wants to save some money for that and not go out with you instead to save money.

dottiedodah · 20/06/2019 14:42

I think hes enjoying his new found freedom TBH. A year is not very long to be out of a relationship ,and he has the lads holiday booked plus spending on luxuries to boot!.I would not be paying £60 in fuel and then buying groceries as well!.If you are doing a share of cooking / cleaning hes got it made!.Why not take the time hes away to have a break, and really think about what you are gaining from this relationship?.If you have doubts ,then walk away before it becomes too serious, With small children to factor in as well ,maybe its all a bit too much .If he doesnt prioritise you at all its doesnt bode well for a future together .Obviously DC are important but you should feel special to him as well .

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 20/06/2019 14:54

Sounds like way too intense for 4 months in

RantyAnty · 20/06/2019 14:56

Let me guess. The 2 nights you are there you do the cooking and cleaning.

What are you really getting from this? He's too broke to do anything. He has 2 small DC which you will be expected to care for if it continues. It just sounds boring and full of drudge work for you.

SavingSpaces2019 · 20/06/2019 15:23

being too broke to do anything that costs money isn't the problem.
The problem is that he's not being clear with you about what he means by 'cutting back' -
is it due to the holiday which means living on a shoestring for the next X months?
is it going to be a longterm issue?
what EXACTLY does he want to cut back on and how?
You've only been together 4 months and only had a few 'trips' out which cost money.
You go halves on food and drinks when you go to his - you even do his bloody cleaning!

I suggest you stop doing the housework and cleaning at his house unless it's basic stuff like washing up if he's done the cooking etc.
If you're worried that you're taking the piss because you use the utilities when you're there - then that's a discussion that needs to be had.
Does he do any of this stuff when he comes to yours?
Do you think he's going to behave as considerately when you get own place and he visits?

You need to have a proper discussion about what he means.
You also need to decide how you want the dynamic to be in your new home if you're still with him...and don't be fobbed off with the 'but i'm already paying for xyz in my life and it isn't fair' attitude.

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