I am just tired of hurting him and now pregnant!

[2boysmummyxx]

My ex and I split after 5years in August, we share two little boys oldest Is 3. I left for many reasons such as his gambling, his disrespect involving women and just his mental abuse... I was insulted on everything and made to feel like shit about my mothering, my body, my life.. me as a person and it took me to such a dark place I didn’t even want to be here anymore.. so knowing how dangerous those thoughts are I decided it was time to leave.

I left to sort out my life for me and my boys with never the intention of thinking of men. Infact I felt done with them because of how amazing I thought my ex was in the beginning but he just tunrned into a narcissistic man so quickly. I actually met a really amazing guy about 2 months after and ofocurse I just thought it probably wouldn’t go anywhere, probably wouldn’t even ever meet.. but things progressed and since then we are now together and just found out I’m pregnant.. now my problem is

Since my ex has found out about him, he has made my life hell.. constantly making me feel like our relationship was perfect and I just walked out and moved on with this guy.. his expressed how hurt he is by me ‘giving up’ and I do really believe the hurt.. now my problem is..

I just feel like this is all I didn’t need to add into the mix because this will hurt him even more.. he will also never accept it and will never want my new partner around his children so it will never work out like I want it to in my head.. as in to all live together eventually one day. He doesn’t know I am pregnant but his previously made threats to me and him it I ever want to move in with him. I do believe they arnt empty 100 percent. Other wise I wouldn’t feel the way I do.

I just dont know what to do, I never ever meant to hurt him. I just moved on.. I told him so many times before I left I wasn’t yet ready to leave but I was getting there. He wasn’t happy and neither was I? So what did I do wrong?

I’ve never slept with him again since September I’ve never told him I wanted him back.. but the way he describes it is... he lost everything he loved.. his family and wanted his life to end while I didn’t care and just cracked on with another guy.. but that’s not how it was. I had this guy just manipulating me constantly instead of even trying to sort himself out and prove me wrong he would just come to me and tell me how weak I am for leaving.. he would still be shouting and screaming at me and putting me down while I had this other guy bringing nothing but peace. But he strongly believes I should of never left because he never put his hands on me or cheated so I should of continued fighting for it all.

Now we are where we are anyway I don’t agree with it all.. and wondering am I blind for how strongly he feels about it?

Am I really disloyal for leaving?
Am I just someone who gives up?
Apparently I’m just going to teach my children to be weak and give up in life.
Am I really just selfish for doing what’s best for me and not the boys.

I just don’t know I have struggled with this for the past 6 months of feeling like I keep hurting someone without intending to.. all I’m trying to do is move on with my life and be happy I spent so long being unhappy.

We currently have no contact since a week ago.. as he followed me on the street and just screamed and shouted at me about everything possible about me took my phone and threw it away when I threatened to call the police and just took me back to a dark place so after he left, he called and broke down how sorry he is but his just so hurt I gave up and moved on so quickly and it feels to him as if I put my new relationship over ours and he believes as the father of my children he should be put before any other relationship. He also expressed as I said earlier how it took him into such a dark place around December where he didn’t want to live and I still pursued things with this guy.. after this my partner called me and I was so down and nearly in tears he suggested we went for a walk. When my ex dropped of the boys he saaw some flowers and went in for round 2 saying so he expressed all of that to me about how he felt and I just went to meet him.. I’m selfish and just want to hurt him? My opinion on it was how can you do everything you just did and then tell me I should of thought about his feelings?

Please can someone tell me if I am wrong cos I’m genuinely lost at this point.. and any advice on the pregnancy as I genuinely don’t want to hurt him any more then I have.

He's not hurt and heartbroken because he loves you and his family. He's furious you have moved on, and aren't weeping on your knees begging him to come back. He's angry because he thought he had truely broken and trained you, and you've had the strenght to show him you're not.
He's pissed off because he's lost control of you, his emotional punchbag, and knows how to manipulate you by tugging on your heartstrings and sense of guilt.

Do not fall for this crap. You didn't leave on some whim. You didn't leave just to hurt him. You left because of HIS abuse. You left so you won't feel shite for the rest of your life, so your dc didn't see abuse, didn't copy his behaviour. Or believe being treated like this is normal. Leaving isn't weak or disloyal - it's survival!

You need to stop all contact except about the dc, is there a 3rd party who could do this? . There are multiple threads on mn advising how to do this. Read other women's stories. Take the freedom programme to confirm he is really truely abusive, and it's not you being disloyal or cruel or breaking up a happy home because it sounds like you're starting to waver and believe his bollox again.

you need to go and read and watch some u tube about this sort of behaviour to understand it truly is not you its him and he is emotionally bullying you and trying to control how you feel and act by guilt tripping and gaslighting you by making out it was all perfect.

You left an abusive relationship you need to treat it like such. And if that means getting help to adjust then you need to do that

Oh OP what a mess

You are pregnant with another’s mans child and all you are focussed on us your ex

Focus on... in this order
Your two young children
Your unborn child
Your new relationship
Your self confidence

You left an abusive relationship, that isn't weak or selfish : it's being strong and doing the right thing for both you and your children.
Stop talking to him unless it directly involves the children. If he wants won't stop communication with you should be via text or email only so that you can have a record, ignore if you want.
Contact woman's aid. Look up the freedom program.
You have the right to be happy and move on with your life. Be kind to yourself.

He abused you. You know that. If he comes near you again kicking off or makes any threats, ring the police.
He's a horrible, dangerous person. You need to focus on your kids and the pregnancy.
You absolutely did the right thing in leaving. It took strength and courage to do that.
Every time doubt creeps in, remind yourself why you left. Even write a list to look at. It's time to look forward, not back.
It may be wise to go to court and get a protection order against him.

Please you are not responsible for hurting him.
You need to tell your ex that he caused this.
Just keep telling him that if he won't change his next relationship will go the same way.

I agree with the others. He's not 'hurt' - he's furious and indignant. He's trying to ruin the new life you are trying to establish for yourself.

I'm going to alter amibeingdaft's post. You haven't said anything about the new man really. Your focus is all on your ex and how he feels.

I would say your priorities now are

Your children.
Your unborn child.
Your confidence.

Then consider I'd this new relationship is one you actually, really, genuinely, truly want to be in.

Personally, I can't see how you're ready for a new relationship so soon after ending an abusive relationship and the fact you're so emotionally enmeshed with/attached to your ex, would also suggest that you are not ready.

This really is a mess.

Please google, and try to access, the Freedom Programme.

You have done a fantastic thing for your boys; you have shown them that if they are horrible people and treat women like shit, they will end up alone.

He may very well be sorry that you left, sorry that he hasn’t got his little emotional punchbag. It’s down to him you left. It’s all on him, he had his chances.

You really need to move on now and not see him until he can act like a reasonable person. There is a chance he will calm down in time. My sister’s ex (physically abusive) was all threats and crying. He met someone else, calmed down and actually behaves like a normal person to her 5 years on.

He's just angry you have moved on from him.

He was and continues to be abusive... you don't need your kids thinking that's acceptable behaviour.

Tell him it's over and no going back.

Decide if you're in the right place to bring a new life into the world at the moment.

Think of the impact on your 2 boys.

You met the new man 2 months ago. You already know that you are pregnant by him. Did you mean for this to happen? Or were you not using contraception? You have 2 kids, you surely know that sex can result in pregnancy. Your boys are tiny and you are trying to build a life and recover from an abusive relationship yet you had unprotected sex? And now you are complaining about the mess you are in? Do you need all this? Do your children need all of this? Honestly, this is just irresponsible. No sympathy from me, sorry.

Now feel free to shoot me for the "unhelpful post".

I had exactly the same situation. The way I stopped it was..
Blocking him on my phone and only unlocking when he had my dd or to message about anything to do with Dr

Never give him any information about your life now, that's none of his business

Call the police and women's aid if he continues to harass you in the street, at your home or even in messages. Every single time. Tell him too that you have reported his abuse and you will not tolerate it any longer.

If he does message, only answer about the children, keep it factual and blunt. Show no emotion

Arrange collection/drop off of children in a public place. Never at your home, that's your safe place. If he is late by hours, call the police (get a residency order for the children)

He will have nothing to play off this way and as he is a bully he will hate having police know what he is like.

Do not let him ruin anymore of your life! You have nice things to look forward to now.

Oh my lovely. I'm so sorry you're in another round with your abusive ex.

He's following the script entirely. You're moving on with your life and getting stronger and stronger, and a manipulative controlling person doesn't like that, because he's losing his power over you. He's doing all he can to get you back under his control.

A few reminders of what you already know;

It wasn't the perfect relationship. He was abusive to you. If you go back to him he will still be abusive to you.

You can't fix him, and it's not your job to try.

He won't improve. He might well get worse.

It is still abuse even if he didn't hit you.

You didn't cause his behaviour and you can't fix him.

Somebody else's behaviour or threats are THEIR responsibility, not yours.

You deserve to be safe and loved. That involves having enough self love and respect that you don't accept a shit life with an abusive partner.

He is lying to you.

You are smarter than to go back to him.

Narcissists hate rejection. Typical reaction to them not being the centre of the universe. Cue the victim complex and gaslighting. Do not get sucked into this OP.

You must block and go NC so you can think straight.

Thank you everyone for your replies, I do deep down know most of this but it’s just after hearing it on repeat.. Its hard to not think am I really this bad person?

I’m not focused on my ex at all.. we really don’t talk now at all.. we have a 3rd party involved since the incident a week ago... but it’s just the coming to find out I’m pregnant makes me believe it will never be how i want it to be as he won’t allow it with the boys to be around my new partner ever. I don’t think now is the right time but what Happens when we do eventually decide to move in... he will cause so much headache.

I know I never got to move on properly after my ex but me and my new partner took it very slow and as I do have the boys all the time I didn’t really see him a lot... so it only got really serious around February March when my new ex actually started taking the boys once a week or when they were in nursery and we were both free. in that short time I really did read a lot of self help books and I’m still trying am doing so...

But this new guy really is amazing.. his exactly what I need and i’ve Never ever been in anything as healthy as this, I did realise at first how much I’ve in a sense been messed up because anytime he said something nice I didn’t even believe it deep down. I know it’s early days but just even when we have disagreements it’s very different I was so used to screaming and shouting and nasty words. But now when my ex and I argue I see how a real man isn’t at all what he is doing.. I know I didn’t mention him at all that wasn’t due to the fact he didn’t mean anything it was because the post was genuinely about my ex.

You are so brave in having the confidence to leave and move on

Good Lord, go to the police as he has made threats already. I've read too many stories about women being killed by jealous ex's. Don't take it lightly. Seek a restraining order.

@MandalaYogaTapestry I did not meet my new partner 2 months ago, I met him in ocotober, 8 months ago. Yes still very soon, I am on contraception but being on nothing for 8 years.. I wasn’t always the best with it.

Furthermore I didn’t ask for sympathy I am so aware that my actions play a part in how everything turns out... although early in our relationship, we are both happy with the baby and actually excited. However I can’t help but naturally worry about what the reality means with someone like that in my life.. have a good day and if you cannot actually offer any advise when people need it, I suggest you just don’t reply. I don’t understand people who can see someone feels bad or not great and you want to make them feel worse. Fortunately for me.. it didn’t bother me but it might bother someone else and make them feel shit so try and be kind to others. Have a great day.

He is cross he has lost "control" of you, as others here have said. Many people who get divorced threaten to kill themselves ,its because they feel they are crap(they are!)but want you to feel you are responsible (youre not!).If you have met someone new and are pregnant then you have already moved on emotionally at least.If your ex continues with this sort of behaviour ,then call the police and get a restraining order!

I’m not focused on my ex at all

Read your (very long) post OP and tell us that you’re not focussed on your ex at all

@Amibeingdaft81 I am not focused on my ex as in I sit here all day thinking of him, it’s just in the back of my mind I wonder what he will actually do when he finds out and am worried.

The post is about him ofocurse which is why the post is focused on him... but what I mean when I say I am not focused on him.. I mean on my day to days I am able to go about my life and he doesn’t come into my mind but ofocurse when i find out I’m pregnant, firstly we were shocked then eventually happy but in the back of my mind ‘I think oh my lord what will he actually do and how will he act’ and it is also very fresh because me and my ex spoke yesterday for the first time in a week and he just expressed some thoughts so those thoughts have been on my mind overnight.. which is what led to the overly long Post about him

Hi OP sorry got the dates wrong. But why on earth have you not been the best with protecting yourself from unplanned pregnancy? You say it yourself, why? Abusive ex has nothing to do with it. It's your own making. Not trying to make you feel bad although you don't seem to be feeling bad about it anyway - just about the annoying ex. I wish you a good day too, please try to be more sensible in the future, especially since you will now have 3 children to consider. That's genuine advice, not trying to sound goady, I promise.

@MandalaYogaTapestry yes Ive already had these thoughts with myself intitally when I found out as it wasn’t planned and both my first two were planned, I actually told my new partner I didn’t want a baby Untill I was married but now I am where I am and a baby is a blessing so I’m more then happy with that. I know after this baby I will go on contraception that doesn’t rely on me taking it everyday as I wasn’t good with that.. Untill I then plan another baby. Thanks you for your reply though! X

I would reiterate that getting in touch with women's aid or your local women's shelter will help. They can assign an advocate to help you report things and get any orders you need in place. Also, your ex doesn't get to dictate what you do with your children in your time. If eventually you all move in together that's up to you.

Try and focus on yourself and your children now. He's just throwing a tantrum because you're standing up to him. Mine did it, still is two years on. You get better at ignoring it.

Haver I missed the bit where you say how long you have been with this new guy ? I see something about "haven't slept with him since Sept " ...what is the time scale?