Emotionally unavailable

[Vee19811]

My bf that I have a baby with but don't live with keeps me at arms length. We are both divorced and my ex was abusive. After going through court my bf started demanding to be involved, but for me there are parts that I could not tell him about as there was sexual abuse also. He then told me he did not beleive me and abanded me. Later we got back together, in person we kiss, hug and have sex but he won't do small things like put x at end of messages because he said his keeping me at arms length as he feels I'm not being honest with him. I can't begin to explain how much this hurts as it was so hard to tell him about any of the abuse I went through. But I feel in person we are intermate and he knows how much it hurts that he refuses to put a simple x at an end of a message when we did before. It feels a little emotionally muliputive if I'm honest. Also I always get the end of his arguments with his ex wife as well as I hardly get any help but he runs around to his ex wife's at a drop of a hat. I have always been kind and supportive but somehow it gets turned into something negative and he tells me I'm just unawaearcof how I come across. He constantly abandonends me when ever it suits him and that hurts when we have a baby together only 6 months old. I feel I get really low with this keeping me at arms length all the time and I feel very lonely. What would you do?

Why are you with him?

Why are you having sex with him?

Don't say "because I love him". That's too easy. Why are you actually there?

Well it's a bit late for him to say he's keeping you arms length when you have a baby together. It sounds like you've had a really hard time with men that can slowly breakdown your boundaries of what you will accept. I would kick him to kerb and apply for cms as your basically a single parent anyway without him offering any support. Have you considered counselling to help with your self esteem and boundaries?

I feel it has been a fast paced very eventful relationship. I wanted to give it time as he has moments where he does truly beautiful things. But the relationship itself never feels secure or safe. Not that I ever think he would harm me physically. I know he was badly hurt by his ex and I have to also say I like his ex wife but that upsets him and I don't talk to her because his asked me not to. I do think they are still emotionally attached, not that they are in love with each other, they very much dislike each other but they also feel a clear attachment for one another in their life. Our other children have formed bonds and I love his children very much as if they were my own. Which makes it hard to just walk away. The disconnection comes from the fact I won't show him evidence... I spent an entire relationship previously where I had to show my email, text, fb to my husband and he was the one having affairs and would abuse me and my children. I'm not someone you would consider a push over I was a senior within the film industry and dealt with men all the time. I no longer work as I just don't have the same confindence as I did before. I'm not sure anymore what is normal and healthy anymore... but I am consistently kind and supportive to him and he just vanishes at a drop of a hat and ignored me. It hurts

He is using you for sex.
He is also being cruel.
Imagine your life without him. Then make your decision.

He does not seem to be a very nice person. He seems to be punishing you because you are not telling him what he wants.

It's like a child that says, if you don't give me your sweets you won't be my best friend anymore.

He needs to respect your boundaries on that issue.

Have you told him how you feel about the ex issue?

"I'm not someone you would consider a push over I was a senior within the film industry and dealt with men all the time"

When it comes to relationships however you have again chosen poorly. You've basically gone from one abusive man to yet another one, albeit of a different stripe but abusive all the same.

I would urge you to contact Womens Aid and enrol yourself onto their Freedom Programme. It is for people who have previously been in abusive relationships.

Abusive men like your ex and this current man, like supposedly on the outside anyway "strong" women (with a shaky sense of self worth/esteem and utterly crap boundaries) to bring down with them into their pit, they see such as a challenge. This man and your ex have done you an awful lot of emotional harm, no wonder you do not know which way is up now or what is normal. Such men too hate women, all of them.

I feel for his children here too because their father is an abuser but you cannot stay with this man because of them, the longer you yourself stay the worse it will become for you and your children. He has continued to tread over your poor to begin with boundaries.
Do not put up with crumbs from him, you are really being treated with contempt here.

When we are together in person it's mostly calm and quite warm. I spend time with his family but I'm unsure if this is due to our baby being attached to me but they always seem nice to me. But otherwise they never really message me to ask how I'm doing even though I send pictures and photos of our baby to them all most weeks. He has kicked me out of his for crying over the things he has said to me. His called me a fantasised and that he needed to protect his children from me. I feel I'm very grounded and he asks me to look after his children or persons it's more that I offer and says yes. I want to be helpful as he works very hard and he has his time torn between having his children 50% of the time and the other half his in London working so we only see each other most weekends. But he also needs time to himself so it's not every weekend.

It sounds like you would be happier without him, and in turn it would be a happier place for your DC. It would of course be hard to break away, but if you're feeling so low, what's the point in staying? If someone can be nice some of the time, then it's not justifiable that they can be mean/unsupportive/distant at other times, especially when a child is involved.

Do you have a support network? Family/friends? X

I have told him how hurtful this is for me about having to show proof inbwhat I confided in him. He says he can't help but have these thoughts and if I could just help him see I can be trusted. The thing is his asked for evidence on a handful of things. One when I fell pregnant, then my messages to his ex wife.... I feel I find it hard not to be nice and somehow got tangled in there conflict even though I never actually say anything, we just talked about the children. The other day I ordered an uber and I said it's 2 min he wanted to take my phone to look as he did not beleive me... I just don't understand as my friends say I'm a kind and trust worthy person. I can be stuburn st times but that is me really trying desperately to not be walked over anymore.

I don't have family really and my friends feel I should not be with him and say his not being good to me.

My mother was abusive and very cold growing up. I got a schollership to a private education and it put a culture divide between me and my family. I tried for years to build a relationship with them but I felt very rejected. I grew up on a council estate and my friends were from a completely other world which opened my eyes to wanting more in my career aspirations.

I don't feel I'm a weak person or that I feel sorry for myself. I just feel I must be missing something to not be excepted in a loving relationship and I don't want my children to have to go through anymore heart ache. He is very good to the children and they love him very much

He does not care about you at all. All he cares about is his own self. If you really do not want to be walked over any longer, you are going to have to leave him.

You need to leave this man because staying with him will continue to destroy you from the inside out. You cannot even order an Uber without him wanting to look at your phone; this is the MO of a controlling abusive individual.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents.
Your mother was abusive to you when you were growing up so its of no real surprise that you went on to be in abusive relationships yourself as an adult. She taught you a lot of damaging lessons about relationships and those could well be imparted to your own children now. Its no legacy to leave them. He is also not good to his children because he cannot treat you as their mother/stepmother at all with the due care and respect you deserve.

You need to be without a man and with your children.

Children can be indiscriminate with the love they have for others and are not always good judges of character. Children love their parents anyway no matter how abusive they actually are. You probably still have some vestiges of love for your own abuser of a mother.

I have read every book about not repeating the same cycles and installing love and confidence for my children. But yes it does seem to of crept up on me again and I'm terrified how this will effect them. They are such bright warm children. I am very active in them building friendships through school and I spend so much time helping them develop emotionally.

Vee

Please look at the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid as this could help you no end going forward.

You remaining with your abuser for your own reasons will affect them and markedly so just as your mother's abuse of you has affected you. Those damaging lessons you learnt have stayed with you to this very day, its no coincidence at all that your relationships with men have been abusive. You need to remove yourself from this current man altogether.

Well if you are worried about how this will affect your children, end it.

Seriously??
Why the hell are you still with this vile creature????
Please find your self-respect and dump his ass quick sharp.
He has not respect for you at all.
He's just using you.
As a PP said, do the Womens Aid Freedom Programme as soon as you can.
Raise your bar and stop putting up with this shite!!!

but what if it is me? What if he honestly thinks he needs to be guarded and I'm completely unaware to what I'm doing?

Its not you Vee, its him.

Your mother taught you a lot of damaging crap about relationships and you have internalised those lessons to this very day. You need to free yourself from your male abuser now.

I want to make sure I'm painting a clear picture

For me my appearance is important and I want to feel attractive and be attractive for my bf. I gained a lot of weight which is going now. He always tells me I'm attractive and he enjoys my curves.

He helps with money and really is very moral about it.

His a great father.

When my ex hub scared me with following us around my bf always tells me to go to his to be safe.

After having the baby he organised and bought presents for my other child.

Our relationship was very rushed so this is why I have given it more time. But there have been a lot of shocking things too

We had moved in together but I was not allowed to put any of our things out. When I tried to put some toys out he got very angry with me. He was worried it would be too much change for his children but I was worried what this in turn said to my children.

The children were not allowed to attend the local school as it would effect his children and they could not join the same clubs as it would be too much for his children.

I can understand it but our families were merging and ivfelt my children were not being considered. When I would not agree and wanted to view a few schools including the one his son attended he got angry and told me and my children to stay in a hotel. I was heavily pregnant and had three other children with no family to turn too. I thought it best to move out and felt terrified how this was effecting all the kids. But what if we were put in this situation with the baby and it was not exceptable to have my children or his exposed to this.

After I attended court with my ex hub 3 weeks after giving birth, it was quite a shock that the law ignored the abuse and I found it traumatic to have to go through all of it again in a court room with my nb baby. I got home and my bf just really had such a go at me and left me after his ex wife had taken the kids to help us out and have him with me to support me. I felt totally alone.

He then told me he did not beleive me and abanded me
This is all you need to know about this man.
He has not intention of blending you into his life.
Please please see this for what it is.
It is NOT you - It's HIM!!!!!

He believes I'm trying to trick him into something. When I fell pregnant he had no job but now he has a really great job in London. I'm fully supportive and I'm trying to do a start up myself that can be worked around my children. I feel I was tricked into names and I thought I was naming my daughter but actually somehow all her names are from his side of the family.

I'm not sure what is in my head or real anymore

I can't believe it but I have said I'm tired of getting the end of his arguments with his wife and that I'm tired of being told I'm something I'm not. That if he can hug kiss and have sex with me then to be as petty as to not put a x at an end of a message or return my love then it's over. I can't do this anymore. I don't expect he will respond I expect I will be ignored. I could not do it face to face as I would not follow through with it.