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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband says he should have left me ages ago

49 replies

seriouslyfedp · 19/06/2019 12:35

I had a massive argument with DH when I found out that he was texting another woman. Flirtatious texts where she is complimenting him and hes lapping it up! He told me it was just friends, the usual crap really. Then massive argument where he says that he should have left me ages ago, it's been 10 years that hes not found me sexually attractive etc. I was so hurt I started crying and left to stay with my mum for a few days. He then calls me to say sorry, he didn't mean it and said things in anger etc. Am not sure what to think now.

OP posts:
Nameisthegame · 19/06/2019 13:03

Don’t go back, if he didn’t cheat yet he will xx you deserve better

Mix56 · 19/06/2019 13:03

You know the answer to this

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 19/06/2019 13:05

Yes, only one answer.

ScreamingLadySutch · 19/06/2019 13:06

Stay with your mum a little longer, def long enough for the laundry to run out and the house to look a tip, then only see him in a counselling session.

Original poster
seriouslyfedp · 19/06/2019 13:14

Thanks for the replies

By the tone of text, I can say that there hasn't been an affair (Yet).
I have been with my DM for 5 days now and he keeps ringing apologising etc. My question was do people say things in anger that they do not mean? or do they actually mean what they say and the truth comes out when angry there is no filter.
DM thinks I should go and listen to what he has to say.

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 19/06/2019 13:16

He will say what he thinks YOU want to hear.
Go and listen by all means but l am sure it will all be bullshit.

Original poster
seriouslyfedp · 19/06/2019 13:16

@ScreamingLadySutch I do not think that he will be a problem, if anything he is more than me

OP posts:
Butterflyone1 · 19/06/2019 13:18

I'm sorry your DH said such hurtful things. I recommend going to meet him, go to a public place which is neutral. If you're at home, it's easy to lose it and get into an argument whereas being in public makes you a bit more patience.

See what he has to say. People do say things in the heat of an argument however I still believe there is usually an element of truth.

How is your relationship generally? Are you still intimate? That's usually a big issue the longer you've been together.

Original poster
seriouslyfedp · 19/06/2019 13:18

@inlecorecumbit I am so hurt by what he says. 10 fcking years and now he comes out with this! its like my whole life has been a lie

OP posts:
Cloudyapples · 19/06/2019 13:19

Could it be: You’ve been gone five days, he’s told ow he’s single, she’s not interested, now he wants you back.

Birdie6 · 19/06/2019 13:20

do they actually mean what they say and the truth comes out when angry there is no filter

Yes , that's exactly what happens. I'd agree that sometimes we might blurt out something like " I hate you !" when angry, and not really mean it.....but for him to say " I should have left you years ago, haven't' found you attractive for 10 years " etc, that is very deliberate. He's back pedaling now but I'd be vary skeptical about his apologies. You caught him out and he wants to get back in your good books. In your shoes I'd stay at my Mum's and seriously consider the future.

Original poster
seriouslyfedp · 19/06/2019 13:21

@Butterflyone1 our relationship I would say is good, not perfect but I would never have guessed that he has been lying for 10 years and forcing himself to be with me. There are no kids involved so I am trying understand why he would be with me if he found me sexually unattractive and feel like he should have left ages ago. Why not just leave!

OP posts:
TixieLix · 19/06/2019 13:21

Your DH knows damn well he was in the wrong with the text messages and has said hurtful things to try and shift the blame on to you when it's all his. Only you know if your relationship is salvageable OP, but please don't dwell on the comments this twat your DH has made. There's another thread going about a woman who has received very hurtful comments from a boyfriend - all bedroom related. It appears to be silly season where some men think they can throw around some insults to cover up their own bad behaviours/insecurities. I'm not sure if it's a coincidence we've just had a full moon!!

Sadie789 · 19/06/2019 13:22

Call his bluff and leave him.

S1naidSucks · 19/06/2019 13:26

He’s only holding onto you in case he doesn’t get a ‘better offer’. You’re in fallback position, when you should be on the winner’s podium. I wouldn’t be ‘make do wife’ for any man.

Original poster
seriouslyfedp · 19/06/2019 13:26

@Tixielix you made me laugh with the full moon comment!! He was my everything, we get on well. share hobbies and interest etc ...I feel like am more in shock about the comment about me than about the whole texting another woman

@Sadie789 I have, well temporarily, I am at my mum. But cannot stay here for ever, so will have to make a decision soon. That's what I cannot seem to be able to do. I feel like its all decided in my head and the minute he calls, all logic goes out of the window.

OP posts:
QueenOfTheCroneAge · 19/06/2019 13:27

Your mum may have said that as she doesn't want to be involved in this situation. Can you go somewhere else, a cheap hotel or a friends for a while?

He's back pedalling because he knows he did something very wrong (sexting another woman) and lashed out at you when he got caught. Don't let him pretend this hasn't happened. Tell him you're considering your options now - for as long as it takes you.

Original poster
seriouslyfedp · 19/06/2019 13:29

@Cloudyapple that is a good point but from what I saw on the texts, things were very new i.e starting flirting etc and she knows he is married!
@Birdie6 I think you are so right! I need to be strong

OP posts:
Original poster
seriouslyfedp · 19/06/2019 13:31

@QueenoftheCroneage I will send a text now asking him to leave me alone and that I will contact him when I want to. Mum is old so very old school, with her because there has been no sex, so not an affair and I should forgive

OP posts:
QueenOfTheCroneAge · 19/06/2019 13:37

Excellent plan OP. Keep contact on YOUR terms. I don't know how old your mum is, but I'm in my 60s and wouldn't forgive this, or expect my daughters to.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/06/2019 13:38

So sorry he has hurt you like this.

I don't think I would be able to come back from this.

There are two issues:

  1. He has already started a search for your 'replacement' hence the flirty texts etc. Whether he has or hasn't actually 'done anything' yet is irrelevant as it sounds like he was planning on cheating on you. I would dump him for this alone.
  1. He has said these really horrible things to you. And while he might be apologising his arse off, they can't be unsaid or unheard now. I would dump him for this alone.

Put together... well. It's up to you but I think you'd be flogging a dead horse. Sorry. Flowers

Scorpvenus1 · 19/06/2019 13:42

Yea he is about to cheat let him go.....

Rebounds and flings rarely work, Give him the rope to hang himself with

Mix56 · 19/06/2019 13:44

What about respect?
What about if you were sexting a married man, what about you saying you regret the last 10 years? How would that make him feel?
Yes, most couples get into a rut of sorts, it's easy to wonder what might have been but If he is unhappy he should start by communicating, suggesting changes, breaking the routine or just say so & leave.
He doesn't cheat on you (sexting is cheating) & say it's your fault...
then come back whining.

Original poster
seriouslyfedp · 19/06/2019 13:44

I just went to have a quick read at the other thread a PP mentioned - I am gobsmacked. What is wrong with some men, bloody pigs!
@Queen my mum is 88. She is lovely, I can stay as long as I want but I think she just wants me to think before I do anything.
@greefingers you are so right and I know all this deep down, I am just so scared to be alone after 18 years together.

OP posts:
Mix56 · 19/06/2019 13:47

Alternatively, you might be happier than ever