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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband says he should have left me ages ago

49 replies

seriouslyfedp · 19/06/2019 12:35

I had a massive argument with DH when I found out that he was texting another woman. Flirtatious texts where she is complimenting him and hes lapping it up! He told me it was just friends, the usual crap really. Then massive argument where he says that he should have left me ages ago, it's been 10 years that hes not found me sexually attractive etc. I was so hurt I started crying and left to stay with my mum for a few days. He then calls me to say sorry, he didn't mean it and said things in anger etc. Am not sure what to think now.

OP posts:

Yabbers · 19/06/2019 14:01

My question was do people say things in anger that they do not mean?

Not in my experience.

But even if he didn’t mean it, it was a shitty thing to say and designed to really hurt you. Either way, that’s not someone I’d want to stay with

Original poster

seriouslyfedp · 19/06/2019 14:02

@mix56 true! I think I have a lot of thinking to do.

OP posts:

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 19/06/2019 14:02

Well, you are thinking before doing anything!

I know it seems scary to let go of 18 years, but your 'D'H was prepared to do that with the sexting. Sometimes relationships just run their course. He should have left if he wasn't happy, but men like their home comforts, and rarely leave without the next woman in place to go to.

carla1983 · 19/06/2019 14:02

Oh OP, you deserve so so much better than this. I'd not forgive a man who said that to me after all that time together. It would wound me and I'd be thinking about it every time in future that we had sex.

dragonway · 19/06/2019 14:07

He meant it. He’s lost respect for you. To do what he did means he doesn’t care about your feelings at all. I bet he never thought you’d leave him. Stuff him. Find a good solicitor. Are you working? Go out there and get yourself a good social life without him. You don’t need his crap. How does he know this OW?

LadyMinerva · 19/06/2019 14:08

What does your instinct tell you to do?

If they say you should leave and never look back then face forward and off you go. If they tell you to hear him out and decide from there then do it.

Trust yourself.

Mix56 · 19/06/2019 14:17

Oh you can always go & listen to any shpeel he conjures up.
He might offer couples councilling, (& be genuine) or he might say it was just boredom & innocent fun & it was your fault ....
I would LISTEN silently to him personally, & tell him you will be letting him know how you feel.
Grey Rock

BeanoBrown · 19/06/2019 14:33

He was texting another woman, although it's hard to face up to I think you should take what he said seriously because his actions and his words in anger match and show that he isn't respecting you. By all means go and talk with him, but be sure you are seeing what he really is and not what you are hoping to hear.

Original poster

seriouslyfedp · 19/06/2019 15:12

Thanks everyone...
He knows OW through previous workplace, it wasnt sexting yet, just complimentary flirty texts.
I do work but nothing great, I do not earn a lot so will have to rent somewhere wont be able to buy.

OP posts:

Plipplopbop · 19/06/2019 16:56

It does sound like he was setting up a new girlfriend but you found out before he was ready to leave. If he had been sad and apologetic when you found out I'd say give it some thought but he wasn't, he was hurtful and mean and only sorry when it got uncomfortable for HIM not you.

Figure8 · 19/06/2019 17:01

He's had his head turned, and he's trying to justify it.
Doesn't mean its true

Original poster

seriouslyfedp · 19/06/2019 17:48

Thanks ladies you are all so right!

OP posts:

yetanotheropinion · 19/06/2019 18:10

He's ruined your sex life together forever with that comment. You'll always wonder if he fancies you. You'll also always worry if he's texting/ sleeping with another woman. Which he probably will be while you're supplying him with cash/ meals/ housework/ emotional propping up.

RomanyQueen · 19/06/2019 18:15

So as he should have left you years ago, you've helped him do it now.
Don't give the asshole another minute of your time.
Sorry

Original poster

seriouslyfedp · 19/06/2019 18:18

Am just wondering that may be the reason why he's never been keen on kids! The thing that is bugging me is Why stay for so long.. there is nothing keeping him! So am racking my brains thinking what the hell is going on

OP posts:

yetanotheropinion · 19/06/2019 18:21

You're safe and comfortable and probably don't challenge him to push himself out of his comfort zone. Does he buy you gifts/ take you on interesting trips etc? So he stays!

Original poster

seriouslyfedp · 19/06/2019 18:27

He's not stingy with his money at all. We eat out, go on holiday once a year, cinema and socialise with friends..so I would say that we are ok. Prior to this, I never had any complaints. Our sex life has never been off the scale but not nonexistent either

OP posts:

yetanotheropinion · 19/06/2019 18:29

As I said: he's comfortable, which is why he doesn't leave. But he's looking for ego boosts/ sex elsewhere. Very harsh, I know.

Original poster

seriouslyfedp · 19/06/2019 20:00

Thanks everyone for your input. It's a lot to process. Xx

OP posts:

Justbreathing · 19/06/2019 20:10

I don’t think the hurtful things he said were that honest and I don’t think the nice things now are that honest either.
What you need is some real honesty from him, but the likelihood of getting that is pretty low.
Which means your mind feels fucked.

It’s pretty tough situation because you really probably want to believe the nice bits and want to believe the crappy things he said were lies,
But it’s probably somewhere in the middle. And sadly impo the middle means a bit of fear of not wanting change because it’s hard and staying is easy.

Original poster

seriouslyfedp · 19/06/2019 20:34

@justbreathing you are spot on. I couldn't have put what I feel better than what you said. Am scared, I want to believe that he didnt mean it and to back to my normal life (what it was before this whole thing). We have been together since university days and he is all I know! I think am probably hoping someone else will say give him a chance ..but deep down I know that what all the PP have said are right too.. I hope am making sense!

OP posts:

Justbreathing · 19/06/2019 21:00

Oh op. It’s so hard.
Take your time. Really think about your relationship and about how you feel. How you’ve felt for all these years.
If you can, a counsellor is a good idea.
Don’t let him guilt you into making a decision you aren’t sure of.

SandyY2K · 19/06/2019 21:34

I personally wouldn't be able to come back from those comments. Even without the flirty texts, the comments are much too hurtful to stay.

He was very specific on how long he hadn't found you attractive and should have left. Perhaps he feels it's too late for him to start over and he has to stay with you...

You said your mum's 88, so you're probably in your late 40s/early 50s... if he's a similar age...he may well be thinking he's too old to get a younger woman and they'll most likely want a baby. A woman his own age will probably have kids...and he probably doesn't want to deal with that.

He meant it and he knows it.

I would be so very self conscious of my body around him and it would make me lose the desire to be with him sexually.... with that gone it's game over.

I'd stay with your mum for longer while you think what to do.

Without any children, it means you don't have to see him again if you get divorced.

carla1983 · 19/06/2019 22:31

"I would be so very self conscious of my body around him and it would make me lose the desire to be with him sexually.... with that gone it's game over."

I would feel this way, too. I just wouldn't be able to open up around a man sexually or emotionally anymore after having been told by him I was unattractive.

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