I'm so upset and I've no idea what to do

[Har23]

My previous posts were in relation to the horrible comments my husband made about our sex life

• I was a sack of potatoes
• at least his ex got on top.

Our relationship always had the same issue. The amount of time he spent working. We have 3 beautiful children and have just come back from our first family holiday which was amazing.
Over the years I have told him that I'm really lonely in our marriage and would love for him to be home a little more or at come home at a reasonable time not the normal 07.30 -23.00 day.
It generally goes well for 2 weeks max but then back to the norm. He always puts people over us and will do things for others at the drop of a hat, where I'm left asking for months to get a small shelf hung.
The holiday was lovely and I really enjoyed our time together. So wen we got back I asked him to cut his hours and enjoy our family. Well he lost the head. He refused to give up his passion of working a 2nd job in his garage. We don't need him to work 2 jobs. He said I was controlling him and tryibgbto stop him seeing his parents (garage is located in there yard).
It couldn't be further from the truth. I would never do that.😔 he told me.he is happy, I'm the 1 that's not so I could find some1 else but he's not changing. On hols my daughter made a comment that cut really deep, her dad said we did do something together as we don't spend time together, her response was sure I don't no wat ur saying u don't want to spend time with her either.
I was broken. We are in seperate rooms now.

Feeling lost. I've avoided him since our argument the other nite, until last nite he came into the room and I could tell he was feeling things by the sound of his voice.
I try so hard to spend time and always willing but I dunno maybe it is me.😔

Har23 - sounds like a really sad situation. How old is Dd?

She's 13. 😔

Can you explain the comment. I am dont really understand it. Sorry

It's not a family when someone opts out of spending time in it.

When everything else is more important than you are.

He's checked out of your lives. Only you can decide if you want to live with it

Sure, sorry should have wrote it better. My husband suggested DD and I do something together and she said she didn't want to, he said u sud spend some time together. To his suggestion she said she basically didn't want to. And said she was like him, not wanting to spend time with me.

You want him to change, he doesn't want to change. Time to call it a day on this non marriage OP?

He's already told you. He's hsppybyour not but he doesn't care that your not happy.

Stay with him and make your own happiness by doing lots of things without him or leave and find happiness elsewhere.

Maybe both of these things might trigger something in him or maybe not.

Either way he's making it clear. The more you try the more you will get frustrated and him annoyed.

This is your life now. Accept it or change it.

He's happy but your not is what that should have been.

What are you still getting out of this?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from the two of you?. Surely you do not want to continue to show them that this is somehow acceptable to you on some level. Would you want this type of relationship for your kids as adults; of course not. Its not good enough for you either.

Given his hours when is this man ever home other than to sleep?.

He is home on Sundays only. On this day we mite Go out or he'll have paper work to catch up on or some work in the garden.

His daily routine is, eats breakfast on his own goes to work 7.30. He gets home at between 10.30 and 11. He I'll come in, eat, read his forum have a cup of tea and we go to bed. We are 32 and 34. 😔 this is everyday except Sunday

Sounds miserable. He doesn’t respect you nor care about your feelings. And your feelings...they’re you essentially. He doesn’t care about you. He is happy with the set up. It serves him.

Your daughter is learning to show you disrespect, from him.

Hope you manage to break away from him

Your 32!!

Wtf, get out there and live girl.

From your post I thought you were in your fifties!

I know. I feel like I'm bloody 50. We are in seperate rooms since and tbh I am loving my space. He has tried to soften things but I was having none of it.

I think I've had the epiphany. I called into my MIL house on my way home to collect my DD coat. It was late at nite and she was sitting at the table on her own waiting for my fil to come home. I was seeing myself sitting there. Not a hope in hell will I be sitting in wait for him in years to come. It was quite pitiful tbh.

he leaves at 0730 and comes home at 2300 ?! is that a joke ?

LTB

Well that's interesting OP, sounds like he has learned to disrespect his partner in his own family. And now your DD is learning to disrespect you from him, as PP said.

You don't have to put up with it, you have your whole life ahead of you. I read your previous thread about the sexual insults and he just sounds like he doesn't care about your feelings at all. It sounds like you are turning a corner in the way you see it, I hope you find the strength to tell him no more and go out and find a happier life. You would be far better off single and living on your own terms than constantly waiting around for this absent person.

Do you have some people IRL who can support you through this?

Is your DH very attached to his Mum? Sounds like he still thinks they are his family not you guys. His Mum shouldn't be supporting him spending that time over at theirs. Unless she likes it that way.

Oh how awful. I am giving you my very first LTB. Honestly this is your life you are giving him. But the worst is your daughter is mirroring him. Don't settle for this. You're so young. Get out.

7.30 to 11. There are lodgers who spend more time 'at home' and interact more with their LL than that!

Must be nice to have someone else raise your family while you're out all evening doing your second "job" (hobby?).

He's what I call a married bachelor; happy to have all the advantages of a family & married life but wants to act like a bachelor too. I know guys who do this with golf, the pub, motorbikes etc.

He's happy but hes actually said to your face he doesn't care if you're not and you can go if you want to (essentially). Lovely.

And this is the guy who called you a sack of potatoes with n bed but makes no effort to help/make you climax, isn't it?

Selfish all round then.

Also nice but of manipulative, twisted emotional blackmail about spending time with his parents.

How many married/attached men spend every evening with their parents?
And how much time exactly is he spending with them anyway: food and tea? Bullshit.

Errr...

I am 50+ and would not live like this for one minute.

He has learnt it from his parents - one day that will be you sitting at the table, and your DD will be doing the same in her house.

What are you getting out of this marriage now? Can you afford to leave?

Oh, and I reckon all this "working" involves other women. I am sorry.

I vaguely remember the last post. Your relationship is all over the place in a bad way. There doesn’t seem to be any feeling for each other, very little respect, you don’t communicate and a shit sexlife.
You are not a couple just two people living in the same house. One resentful and one not caring. From what I recall he only capitulates when you withhold sex. So this is now a weapon or a lever.

Decide what you want because at the moment you flip flop between wanting to work on the relationship to saying you feel better on your own. The options are

• you keep pushing him to try better, he does for a bit and then it all reverts. Sex remains shit between you both.
• you leave and start a new life on your own and coparent
• you stay in the same house but end the farce of a marriage. Separate rooms no sex and no expectations. Let him do what he wants.

Yes his working hours are exactly that. He'll finish up and then go in where his mother will have put a spread on for her boys. DH and FIL. She won't tell him to go home because she loves having him there, he's "her baby".
It's pathetic how he's moping around, like he's been hard done by. He offered to cook my breakfast. Eh no thanks so he's at the table on his own looking sad.
I'm really pulling towards living in the same house but completely living seperate lives. I've actually started to look at what I can do for myself, a new hobby or class.
I have no interest in conversing with him over this because I am completely burnt out. I told him I loved him last sat night while the children and I were on my bed making his father's day present. He looked at me and kept walking. In that moment I thought you will never get to blank me like that again arrogant pig.