Mother's - in - law

[Mog]

Being fairly new to this site I'm catching up with the threads on MIL's and can identify with a lot of what's being said! I wondered if anyone had found a good way to deal with the bluntness/rudeness of MIL criticisms. I keep quiet to keep the peace but it leaves me feeling frustrated and wondering how they get away with abusing the common courtesies we all give to one another. Any tips from amateur (or real!) psycologists?

A good way to deal with it? Rise above it
Not always easy I know.
Yesterday after work I went to join my 3 kids at a birthday party which had been in full swing all day . I went into the house to see the kids for a few minutes then sat on the garden bench with my mil who had been at the party all day and after half an hour she said to me "Has your son even noticed you are here?"
She's a pet , really, but she does come out with some crackers.

Well I had terrible problems but it has improved.. but I had 7 years of hell !
It did help that DH was very supportive of me and FIL was too actually.
DH said a few things to his Dad about this and I think slowly it did "hit" her that

1. I was sticking around
2. Some people did actually like me !
3. Fundamentally I wasn't all that bad

Having said that she now criticises my SIL (newer to the family) and whilst I immediately defended SIL (because I had been through it all) I find it increasingly difficult to defend her as I am starting to agree with MIL (ooooh that's dangerous )

Agree with Jasper - rise above it - ignore it and just do your thing. She has a problem - you don't !

Hello
Just returned from holidays with my out-laws. Been away from mumsnet for a while as was tied up with work and all but looking forward to getting back into the chat threats.

My 2 week holiday which I had been so looking forward to unfortunately turned into vacation hell.

What really caused major grief was not my MIL but my sister in law. When DH & I arrived at family holiday home, she suggested that we split the cost & time of holiday food shopping to help ease burden on MIL - we do week 1 & she'll do week 2. We were more than happy to oblige that took down the shopping list, fish, chicken, lamb etc in week 1 to feed everyone well.

When week 2 came along, the fridge was empty save for the cheese, grapefruit and yogurts that her family eats. She also ate out more in week 2 (with her family) but what about us?

Anyway, the long & short of this is that, I kept quiet in week 1 which meant I was angry & unhappy & ended up ruining my & DH's holiday. To make things worse, I let the issue come to a head. So now, there's ill will on every side.

My FIL surprisingly was totally understanding of my issues & supportive. He actually empathised since he claimed that he went thru' these money issues with his own siblings. It must be embarassing for him to admit that his daughter has behaved badly.

His advice is - forgive but don't forget this, keep good relations for the sake of it but avoid combined family holidays.

Would you all agree how disappointing & self-centred & selfish my SIL's behaviour was? I feel doubly screwed bec I didn't expect a relative to take advantage of me. Am I/Have I over-reacted to this?

I don't think you've over-reacted at all, Pena. It's a bl*y cheek of her to take advantage of your good nature like this. If everyone is on holiday together, then things should be fair.
Your FIL's advice seems sound in the interest of family relations. Definately don't go on holiday with her again. Holidays are a precious time, and she's just ruined yours.

Out of nosiness, what did she say when things came to a head????

Pena- another way of trying to avoid this is to each put money on the table the first day say 200£ for each family and then use it for groceries....

I feel for you because it is very hard to stay quiet when you disagree with a family member...DH and I just TRY to keep quiet when SIL goes ON and ON about baby nutrition (how important,.... BTW she stopped BF at 6 months and wasn't even going back to work) or immunization....
She drives us insane and does not realise it !

You just have to ignore MIL comments.
My (future at that time) MIL cried when we got engaged, and not from happiness! She told dh that he was 'ruining his life' by marrying me.
She used to go on and on at him about it until one day he sat hr down and said something like 'Mother, I'm marrying her whether you like it or not, so either be nice about it or shut up' - she was very offended at the time but has never been mean to me since, and I now think (8 yrs on!!) that we have a great relationship. I think having the kids helped, she thinks I'm a good mummy and I try to remember to phone when interesting thingshappen (phoned the other day for example to announce the arrival of ds's first tooth!) It has been a long hard struggle to get this far but I think it has, on the whole, been worth it.

I have a cracker of a MIL - she came to stay recently and the day before she left she basically told DP that I was useless.

Her main points were that I should be cooking him a meal every night as I had chosen to have a baby and give up work. I spent too much time on the internet and instead should be going out and buying fresh fruit and veg from the local market!!! She said I had no common sense, that I handled DD too much and that I should go to the doctors to get sedatives to calm me down!!

All this from a woman who has been on Prozac andis now addicted to some other sleeping type drug!!!

As you can imagine I was totally unimpressed by these comments - luckily DP didn't agree with any of them either (although I think he quite liked the idea of a home cooked meal every night).

Oh - I also think that she thinks the only reason I am breastfeeding is to exclude anyone else from feeding DD - as you can imagine she didn't b/f DP.

I don't think she knows that I know all of this, needless to say I havn't spoken to her since she left.

My MIL talks so much without coming up for air that I switch off and for all I know she could be pulling me to bits to my face but I don't listen anymore - she gives little jabs about her other dil's so I know I can't escape some critism. What she did as a mum 40 years ago does not interest me and as she is a typical housewife of her time at the beck and call of her dh we have nothing in common - but she is my dh mother so I try to accommodate her as best I can although with baby no 2 due in 4 weeks am not looking forward to impending visit of mil and fil.

It seems to me that MIL's and the SIL mentioned in this thread get away with it because we don't say anything but I don't know how to face the rudeness head on without causing argument. Has anyone faced MIL's with the nastiness of their comments and got anywhere?

Mog, my MIL said to me a while back "well, you do need to lose some weight, I expect you snack all day don't you?"!!!!! I said "ACTUALLY, I've put on most of this weight since my dad died" and stalked off with ds.

We were at the beginning of a 4 mile walk and ds and I carried on, getting back to the car a good hour before her and dp. After I'd walked off in tears (she didn't see them though) she said to dp "Oh dear, I've really upset her haven't I, does she often go off in a strop like this?" !!! Dp said: you have, she didn't ask for your opinion and that was very rude and uncalled for. He advised her not to say anything else to me as he thought it would antagonise me futher (he was right - he saw my face when she said it!) She was sweetness and light and solicitousness (not really a word I'm sure) itself on the way back home in the car and she hasn't made a rude comment since.

I didn't invite her here or see her for about a month afterwards (lives nearby) and she got the message I think. I'm ready for her, with guns blazing, if I get any more of the same.

I have the most fantastic m-i-l - she had the m-i-l from hell and decided that she would never be like that. So take heart all you people with horrific m-i-ls - your future d-i-ls will thank your m-i-l when you are their m-i-l! Mine is totally uninterfering and just says things like 'You're the most fantastic mother' and 'I'm so glad my son married you'. In fact I speak to her much more than my dh does.

My dh did the confronting (as I said below) and now we get on great. But I know it would never have happened if he's not stood up for me and our relationship.

Mog, in answer to your question, yes I have! Before I married dh I put up with years of mil comments about dh's ex partners, how they were 'the prettiest girl I'd ever seen' etc etc. Finally after sitting through another uncomfortable session of this I asked her if she was aware that she constantly talked about his ex's to me, that wasn't it a little bit inappropriate considering we were about to get married, and that my own mother would not DREAM of ever mentioning past boyfriends to dh. She was completely taken aback, and said she hadn't realised at all. I explained that she had told me far more than dh had and that seemed abit odd, that surely it was up to him what I knew about his past relationships. I also said that I NEVER EVER wanted her to mention his ex's in my presence again. Dh was totally supportive of me and only once in 3 years has she done it since and dh reminded her that she should shut up and she did! HTH!

My MIL had a terrible MIL herself, and so (I think) has vowed never to critiscize any girl either of her sons brought home. Sometimes I find it a tad unsettling not knowing whether she thinks something I do is OK or not - but then I read a thread like this and remember to count my blessings

I'm with you musica. I have the most wonderful mil. She takes the sluglet whenever asked, knits lots of lovely clothes and is generally supportive and non interfering. In fact I've just come back from day 2 of settling the sluglet into nursery and she came with me to check the place out and hold my hand when I had to abandon my little one for a while.

I suspect most of her attitude comes from her surprise at becoming a grandmother. They had more or less given up on dh ever getting it together and reproducing - this is the man who goes to Sunday lunch with his parents every week, but the first time he brought a woman with him (me) he was 32. We've said definitly no more children, so there is no way she is going to mess up her relationship with her only grandchild. Bless, I love her to bits.

My mil is ok, it's my fil that I avoid as much as possible. It's not his fault really as he grew up in a different generation, it's just that he is a sexist pig.
Anyone else have sexist pig fils??????

sister - yes I do but am not sure about the different generation thing being an excuse in his case. He is only early 50's so not much older than a lot of the dh's on this site. I suppose its because my PILs have a very traditional family life whereas my own parents are just plain eccentric that makes it noticeable to me.

Sister, yes my FIL is sexist but then his wife allows him to be. I know that if my dad bossed my mum around in a similar way he'd be brained. However, FIL only has sons so he is not used to women with their own opinions who make decisions without asking the permission of their husbands - all his DIL's take advantage of his sons good natures and any bad behaviour in the grandchildren is inherited from the mothers' side as his boys are all balanced, good natured soles -who basically raise those children single handed whilst those girls galavant (sorry but had to have my hair cut) All this is backed by MIL so must be true!!

My MIL is obese, but has a heart of gold. She irritates me with her incessant talking but wouldn't hurt a fly. Because of her size she's not really capable of doing much other than watching Coronation Street and keeping Mr Kipling in business.

My FIL is also very kind, and terribly handy around the house always doing things to help, bless him. Only problem with him is the most overpowering BO and despite telling MIL that he smells (she has lost her sense of smell !!) nothing has changes and it's more overpowering and gross than ever. I am constantly telling dh that he needs to say something again but feel a bit mean saying this.

Not a sexist pig FIL but rather a grumpy GIT. Resents me & the children (only his by marriage) & makes us feel unwelcome when we visit (rare). I think he has undiagnosed Angina. Bloodkin FIL is ok but bit dopey. Both MILs are fine, thank goodness!

Tillysmummy, are you married to my dhs brother? Because we seem to have the same inlaws

From reading all your threads below, it seems that the reason we never confront these issues directly with horrid M-i-l is because (at least in my case) we're not entirely sure on what our standing is. i.e. its easier to tell your own mum off, or a friend but do I have the right to do that with m-i-l, hmmm...

Same thing with the siblings-in-law. Altho' we're now supposed to be related, IMO the link is still very tenous & we don't have the blood links & shared time & histories to forgive/tolerate these shortcomings.

In answer to Pupuce question, s-i-l never even acknowledged that anything was wrong. She happily ate up the excellent lamb leg we cooked in week 2 even tho' she didn't pay for it. We should have just put the money on the table, but the mistake is to be gracious & trusting that she will be too.

Jasper, my dh is an only child ! But you never know
I feel awfully mean now but have to be able to vent somewhere !

While we're on the subject of venting, is it unreasonable for me to get irrate if I ask for something not to be done and it is ignored. Example:- FIL keeps putting dd on his shoulders. Bearing in mind he is an old man and she is an incredibly strong and feisty baby who has really nearly thrown herself out of my arms on several occassions I have told him it's dangerous and he mustn't do it. Interestingly when we were on holiday the babysitter put dd on her shoulders and she was a very slight girl (dd was almost bigger than her) and dh told the babysitter off and asked her not to do it. Yet he says that it's not that dangerous when his dad does it. But somehow I think he is missing the point, the point is that as her mother I asked FIL not to do it and he still does it. Am I being an unreasonable DIL from hell ?

Hi
Wanted to resurrect this thread because my MIL has just stayed for a week (she left today) and the following irritates me.
Though she is never rude about it, on the quiet she gives LOADS of advice - here's the list of what was said over the week:

• not to wipe ds's nose with kitchen towel because too rough (I agreed with her but was being momentarily lazy)
• to cut ds's nails
• to give ds yoghurt because he was looking at dh's pot - he had just had breakfast where he had not finished his yoghurt but I didn't bother to go into this as otherwise I feel like I have to justify everything
• to give ds a bottle of formula before bed (he is still b/f) so that he is fuller
• to let ds come into the kitchen when the cooker is not on (something we were not doing because of drawers etc...)
• she also told me this afternoon that he was hungry which I would have worked out by myself given half a chance

A lot of what she says is right, it's the fact that she seems to be mothering him at the same time as me that annoys me eg: "did he eat?" and "did he sleep?" questions... I feel as if I have been scrutinized all week and that she is his defender should there be any need for this. The comment about the yoghurt certainly made me feel like this... She was shocked I didn't give it to him but I had just given him his breakfast, was about to sit down for mine etc.... (plus he is very difficult to feed as he has to be strapped in somewhere)...

Can anybody else relate to this? It's like a feeling of being on trial in some way... I was quite glad when she left today though there are things I like about her quite a lot and she was very helpful in other ways...

Plus she played with ds very nicely and I think I may be jealous of this... I don't know, you spend all week with your son, his father and his father's mother and you start to feel like the odd one out... I only went out once all week and I really felt like I was starting to go crazy...

Rant over!

genia, it would drive me nuts. i would have had to maintain a facade of calm by muttering inwardly "she means well, she means well, she means well..." ad infinitum.