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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH cheated; I feel lost

52 replies

Daffodil83 · 18/06/2019 19:25

So DH was found out by me in February he had been cheating. He’d been visiting escorts / massage rooms etc etc for over 12 months whilst our marriage was supposedly sound. When caught, he said I had been difficult to live with at times and he only ever saw me in my pjs. I threw him out to compose myself but was also fighting mental health problems to complicate matters. My family cut him out and life was strained for me and DD (4). Cut a long story short, I took him back and our wedding anniversary was last week. I wrote an emotional and raw card explaining that we could get through this blah blah and I loved him and our world. He got me nothing. No card. No apology. No heartfelt words. He has come back like nothing has ever happened whilst I struggle to get through each day. I hate my reflection but I make sure I’m made up every day and look presentable. I try desperately to communicate with him and he says everything’s fine. I can’t talk to anyone because I’ve taken him back and made my bed. What do I do? I feel helpless, isolated and alone.

OP posts:
PocaNinja · 18/06/2019 21:22

What are you going to do?

Livelovebehappy · 18/06/2019 21:56

You’re treated how you allow yourself to be treated. How can he value you when you don’t value yourself? You deserve so much better OP but I suspect you will stay with him as you are clearly still very much in love with him. Don’t be one of those people who looks back 20 years from now with regrets that you wasted your life on this person.

Closetbeanmuncher · 18/06/2019 23:06

You deserve so much better and you'll deprive yourself of any chance for happiness being with this creep.

You know he will do this again, do
You want something better for yourself and or an unrepentent played out john?

He's shown you who he is....believe him!

romany4 · 19/06/2019 11:30

He blamed you for his cheating and then did nothing for your wedding anniversary.
He doesn't give a shit.
You are worth so much more than this. Get rid

Sadie789 · 19/06/2019 12:02

When you say cheated in the title I was expecting an affair with a friend or colleague.

I wouldn't describe massage parlours and escorts as cheating. I would call it vile, dirty, selfish deception. And it would be out the door with no way back.

Please leave him.

Myheartbelongsto · 19/06/2019 13:50

There's no way some cunt is going to shag prostitutes and massage girls and come home and put those same filthy hands near my 4 year old dd.

Dirty bastard. Kick him out op.

SignedUpJust4This · 19/06/2019 14:44

You think you love him OP but the man you love never existed. He was a lie. The man in your house is scum and you need to let go of any hopes of going back to the ignorant bliss you had before. Find your angry and unleash it.

ShatnersWig · 19/06/2019 14:49

Problem is I love him so much

No, you really don't. You think you do. But you can't love someone who treats you with such disrespect and is a total wanker. You may be scared of being on your own, or become used to it, but I can promise you now, you don't love him.

When your daughter is your age and she was sticking with a man who treated her like shit and said "but mum, I love him", what would think? I can bet you £100 it wouldn't be "oh that's OK then, love, carry on"

Bluntness100 · 19/06/2019 14:49

Op, what do you mean he is going. Is he leaving you?

Are you worried about finances? Often on here women stay claiming to love the man. But there is usually a financial reason under pining it.

mommybear1 · 19/06/2019 15:07

OP you deserve much much more - LTB. How would you feel if you heard this from your daughter I'm pretty sure you'd want her out? It might hurt now but it'll be worse in the long run if you just put up with it.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/06/2019 15:16

Please get some self respect and kick this fucking awful man out. I hope you've been tested for STIs.

MsDogLady · 19/06/2019 15:22

This pathetic excuse for a husband and father is treating you with utter contempt. He couldn’t care less that you are struggling. He will continue to buy sex and blame you for it.

Is this the relationship model that you want your daughter to emulate?

Butterflyone1 · 19/06/2019 15:24

Have some self-respect and leave him! What example are you teaching your DD? That it's ok for men to walk all over you, tell you how you should love and act. My goodness I know it's not easy but please you need to be stronger than this.

Your DH isn't sorry at all. He is making zero effort to help restore your trust and for all you know he is still sleeping with these hookers.

Say you want him out for good and be strong for yourself and your DD. Your DP can have a relationship with your DD but why does ne deserve one with you.

And when you're throwing his sorry butt out, please be wearing your pj's just to be a final f-you!!

attheendofmytethernow · 19/06/2019 16:54

Eventually you'll realise your better off without him. Without him you wouldn't be miserable or want to stay in your pjs or hate your reflection. You don't like that because of what he's done. He's made you think your not good enough. Get rid of him.

You'll find happiness in your Dd and finally realise you can be happy and confident alone. You don't need a man.

Daffodil83 · 19/06/2019 16:55

Thank you all so much, I need to start seeing the wood through the trees. As some have mentioned, finances are an issue as with most marriages. He has previously threatened to play dirty over custody arrangements with our DD, saying he would bring up my mental health problems which scares me to death.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 19/06/2019 17:00

What a charmer he is. Get good practical and legal advice.

Loving him is not a reason to stay.

Woman up OP!

category12 · 19/06/2019 17:48

He has previously threatened to play dirty over custody arrangements with our DD, saying he would bring up my mental health problems which scares me to death.

OP, the fact he would say something like that is more reason you should end things. He's cheated on you and then he's bullying you with threats to shut you up and keep you in place. He's a nasty little shit, as well as being sexually incontinent.

Go get yourself some legal advice on the quiet, explain what he is threatening and I think you will be reassured. Arm yourself with the facts. You may be able to find a solicitor who offers a free half-hour initial consultation, or you could try CAB.

rvby · 19/06/2019 18:19

Have you seen a solicitor?

Love isnt enough OP. And love isnt even that hard to come by. It's not magic, it's not cosmic, it's not meant to be. There are 3.5 billion men on this planet. He not special.

This man will destroy you if you stay close to him. Dont let him frighten you regarding custody. See a soliticor and get the facts.

ChuckleBuckles · 19/06/2019 20:09

OP I have been in a similar situation to you, although he told me he cheated with prostitutes because I had been sexually abused as a child (the logic being that abuse as a child left me dirty or broken or some other bollocks, who knows) he was the first person I confided that to, and he used it to excuse hurting me, so I get a little of how you are feeling right now.

It is just over two years later from when I found out and I will tell you a little bit of what I now know, it felt impossible to leave at first, I felt humiliated, ashamed and disgust at my own appearance, references to anything sexual left me feeling ill, I went through almost a full year of not being able to watch films or television, no new music, no new books for fear there would be references to sex, escorts, cheating or any type of infidelity. I was very cut off and alone from friends and family, I cried everyday, I still cry most days, I just felt overwhelmingly sad and anxious.

I tried counselling with next to no success at first, I then found an excellent therapist who specialized in infidelity due to the use of porn and sex workers, she had heard it all before and just allowed me the space to cry it all out without shame or embarrassment, eventually I was diagnosed with PTSD because of what I found during the initial discovery of what he had done.

Everyday is a struggle still but that struggle grows less all the time, I cannot reconcile the man I knew and loved with the person who used sex workers, he is a stranger to me. In the early days I stayed and tried to "understand" and make things right between us, it made no difference, he didn't try at all, I was just expected to get past it and never ask any questions and try to talk about it. The truth is he did what he did because he wanted to and he could. No big, dark emotional secret, just a selfish man doing what he wanted with no thought for who that hurt.

I knew it was over the day i bought a specific household item for "my" new home that I had started to build in my own imagination, I knew I was done when I could not see him in that home with me, and that thought no longer frightened me. You will get there in your own way and your own time.

To those telling the OP to get some self respect, please stop. Words like that hurt us further, we do not lack self respect or backbone, or anything else you may think of us, we are people who have been abused by those who said they loved us most. People who cheat repeatedly are abusers, they financially abuse us (using household income to buy access to other women's bodies) they emotionally abuse us (lying and blaming us when caught, threatening us with our most intimate vulnerabilities that we told them as we trusted them ) they physically abuse us (having sex with strangers and exposing us to STI that can be life ending) they are every bit the abuser that the person who punches their spouse is, the abuse is just hidden and not seen by others.

OP take care of yourself, think about what you really want and need in life, it is never to late to make a change, please reach out to family and friends to support you, if you can please check out the book "Intimate Deception: Healing the Wounds of Sexual Betrayal " by Sheri Keffer, I found it very helpful, please be kind to yourself.

xELENx · 19/06/2019 20:23

@ChuckleBuckles what a pure, open and compassionate post! You sound like a lovely, strong lady - credit to you. I wish you (and OP) every happiness for your futures x

PositiveVibez · 19/06/2019 20:43

This pathetic loser pays to use and abuse women's bodies.

You have a daughter.

He has ZERO respect for women.

Please do not let your daughter grow up thinking this is how men treat women.

What a revolting excuse for a human being.

Please don't waste your time on looking good to try and get him.

Be who you WANT to be for yourself and your dd.

If she grew up and told you her husband fucke prostitutes (sorry to be coarse, but that is what he has been doing), would you expect her to take him by and make herself look pretty for him? No, didn't think so.

SandyY2K · 19/06/2019 21:43

Its hard for someone else to love and respect you, when you don't love and respect yourself.

He who cares the least in a relationship holds the most power

He doesn't give two hoots about you.

Is this the kind of marriage you'd want for your DD? Aman who paid for sex because he only saw her in pyjamas. What a pathetic excuse...not to talk about him saying he'll bring up your previous MH issues.

Is that really what love looks like to you?

thegirlracer · 20/06/2019 12:30

Please leave. You sound so lovely.

He is acting like nothing has happened because you’ve forgiven him which in his eyes means that he’s done nothing wrong.

It doesn’t matter if you love him, love yourself and your DD more.

Flowers
thegirlracer · 20/06/2019 12:31

Oh and I totally agree with Sandy!

Children model their future relationships on that of their parents. What would you tell your DD if she told you her husband did this to her?

Find your angry. And get rid!

Daffodil83 · 20/06/2019 22:07

I’ve tried talking to him again tonight and he really doesn’t think what he’s done is a big deal and basically I should put up and shut up. I’m so friggin angry I can’t tell you.. I’ve asked him to leave and he won’t go. DD asleep and I don’t want to escalate things further but I’m so sad and angry in equal doses.

OP posts: