Madly in love, but potentially no future: what to do?

[JosephineMews]

Long time lurker and I just signed up to start this thread. I hope to get some objective perspectives to help me figure out my situation.

I met someone a few months ago, and it was essentially love at first sight for us both (I know, how cheesy!!). We have been together ever since (6 months), and he makes me incredibly happy. We got on like a house on fire, and the sex is amazing. He makes me feel attractive, special and loved. I have never felt this way about a man before, it is just fantastic.

I just turned 30, I have a fantastic career, I am financially stable and independent, I travel a lot. I don't want kids in the next couple of years, but I think I might want them in maybe 5/6 years. I am not 100% sure I will want kids on day though, but I am sure I don't want them right now. I know that leaving it so late might mean that I won't be able to conceive, but that is a risk that I am ok with.

Here's the catch. He is quite a bit older than me (15 years), divorced with 2 teenagers. We haven't discussed kids yet, but judging from a couple of comments he made, I don't think he is interested in having more kids in the future. He is a very committed and hands on dad (50% shared care, very involved with kids' daily life) but I doubt he would want to start from scratch again with a baby.

I know I will have to have an open conversation with him about this, and I will soon. However it would help me to hear other people's opinions on the situation to process my own thoughts and feelings, before I actually talk to him.

Would it be mad to just enjoy the relationship for as long as it makes me happy, but knowing deep down that it will potentially end one day over the kid issue? I am so blissfully happy right now, it feels mad to break up with him because in 5,6,7 years I might want a kid (and I am not even sure). Would it be stupid to just grab this chance at happiness for a few years, knowing that I will potentially have to walk away one day?

Thanks!

Hopeful bump?

I think you have to be honest with him and him with you. You may find he's open to the possibility of having them. But i think you need to decide if it's a deal breaker for you now. If he turns around in 5/6 years and says no kids, what will you do? I think you are deceiving yourself if you think it will be 'easy' to just walk away at that point.

Yes you do need to address the child issue, and sooner rather than later.

If he is adamant that he doesn't want to start again then you have a clear choice to make. Although it's not a clear choice as you yourself can't say with any certainty that you will want a family in a few years' time.

On the other hand, it seems mad to split up now over something that might or might not happen at some unspecified point in the future.

I would say that if you were desperate to have a family at some point in the future, and he was dead against it, there would be no point carrying on.

A conversation with him has to be the starting point.

You do need to have the conversation with him about this.
He might surprise you.
But ultimately, if he doesn't want kids and you do then it's best to end things before you get even more 'involved'
Basically, he is 45. If you want kids in 5 years he will be in his 50's and raising a teen into his 60's.
So it really is him you need to discuss this with.
I'd not want that at all but that's me. I'd want to be retiring and enjoying chilling out and travelling and reading, and hobbies, etc......

My friend married a guy 25 years older who has kids older than her. Initially he wasn’t keen on having more but basically it was a choice between having her plus a baby or losing her. So he decided to marry her and have one child. You need to talk to him, you can’t make assumptions about what he might want.

As people have said, you need to talk to him and see what he thinks. If he's adamant that he doesn't want more, and hearing him say that out loud bothers you, I think it will give you a hint as to how you might really feel. Similarly, if he says no and you don't feel too disappointed, then again, I think it could be revealing for you.

It's hard, because it's all hypothetical. The child, the time frame, and the continuing in a relationship, so it's easy to make something seem more trivial than it is, or more of a deal breaker than it would actually be.

If it was me, I'd stick with him if you love him. Unless hearing him say no really upset me, I'd rather have the promise of the man I love, than the freedom to have a hypothetical baby with a hypothetical new partner. It would at least let you keep your options open, and if you've discussed it with him, I think that's fair.

There are people who could have the relationship you describe without regrets if they didn’t have children. I don’t think you are one of those people.

If kids didn’t matter to you, then it wouldn’t be an issue. Your post is all about children. People who don’t want children don’t factor these things into their decisions. They are content with relationships as they are, two people enjoying their time with each other.

I have known plenty of these people and the concerns and issues you reference just don’t impact on them. Some of them did go on to have children, most in fact. But with different people in no traditional ways.

He's so happy with you because there are no kids, it's easy. Kids change the dynamic completely. You want someone who's totally committed to the long-haul. This guy isn't it.

Wait? You've been together six months and apparently get on but haven't discussed the future? I don't understand if he's the love of your life why haven't you discussed what you both want?

If you talk to him and he definitely doesn't want kids, I personally would end it. I know that sounds crazy when you don't want kids yet, but then when do you end it? When you're super broody? Or at some random unspecified time before then? It would be silly to move in together or commit financially with this huge unresolved issue. So your relationship would always be in a state of limbo. That's my opinion anyway.

My OH is 15 years older than me, always wasn’t keen on children but said he’d never deny me the chance to be a mother. He’s the most devoted, fun and happy father ever now and is keen for another one (he’s in his 40s but very fit and healthy).

A good friend married a man 20 years older than her. He said he didn’t want any more children, she assumed he would change his mind but he had a vasectomy and she puts on a good act but I can see she’s deeply sad about it.

Definitely have the conversation.

I think 15 years is a huge age difference. Others here will disagree, I know. If you decide you want children I can see why he wouldn't - he's done all that and apart from the divorce it's worked out well - he has them half the week and the rest of the week he can spend with his much younger girlfriend. I think you would end up resenting that he's denying you the chance to have what he had himself.

Just take it easy now, enjoy your time together but don't think of this as a permanent relationship.

I think there is no harm in waiting another six months and seeing how you feel then.

It is still early days and you may still be incompatible for reasons that are completely unrelated to having or not having children together.

For what it’s worth, I didn’t want children at 30. A few years later and my feelings had definitely changed!

Take each day as it comes. If he makes you happy, it would be silly to move on with no real reason.

Surely he must know if he’s dating a 30 year old that there’s a good chance she’ll want children down the line. I think you need to have a frank conversation with him about the future.

Even at 30, you may not be as fertile as you hope. You might have a chat with your doctor.

Similar age difference between me and my oh. He doesn't want kids. I hadn't totally ruled it out but it wasn't something I was desperate for either.

It boils down to - what's more important to you? Your relationship or your desire to have kids? And if you really do want them then it will cause resentment later down the line. I have chosen my oh still sometimes get a bit broody and sad about the fact there will be no more babies....but I want to be with him and only him so it's a sacrifice I'll make.

I wouldn't advise leaving it 5 or 6 years though, if he's not fussed now he certainly won't want them when he's pushing 60!

Bumble the thing is, I don't necessarily want someone who is committed for the long haul right now.. As I said, I am not ready for kids, I am not sure if and when I will be. If I met someone who was adamant on getting married and having kids soon, I'd probably walk away because I am not there yet.

I mean, supposing you do decide you want kids in 5 or 6 years when he almost certainly won't, at age 50+? You'll then be 36 and single and will be feeling the pressure intensely.

I don't think you can kick this can down the road. You need to find out now if he would be open to having a child with you when he's aged 50 and if the answer is no, your choice will be to accept being childless to stay with him (now), or break up with him (now). And frankly, it does sound like you want kids. Maybe not right this second, but to me it sounds like in your heart of hearts you want them in your future, and that feeling is only likely to strengthen as time goes on.

Be happy now!
So you'll break up, get with someone who DOES want kids, decide in 5 years you actually don't and end up in the exact same position.
You're not sure what you want so don't worry about it

There is an increased risk of autism and other birth defects with increasing paternal age.

He might not want to be financially supporting a couple of kids at uni whilst he is in this 70’s....after the emotional and physical demands of toddlers in his 50’s and teenagers in his 60’s.

If you do want to be having a child in the next 5-6 years with someone else ... then you would need to be with them a couple of years before and to have kissed a few frogs in the year or two before ..... so enjoy this one for a year or so ...... but appreciate that it might be hard to detach.....

There will be loads of positive stories on this thread about late fatherhood, but realistically? He is the same age as my friends and me, and those of us with teens definitely wouldn’t want a baby now. Been there, done that.

And he’ll be 50 when you say you might feel ready to ttc, which is too old in many people’s eyes (including his, probably). His children will be adults by then.

Just trying to be pragmatic, OP. If you really think that you may want children, you should probably nip this one in the bud.

See what he says, anyway. Take it from there.

The thing I find a bit annoying is what he thinks he’s doing with a 30 year old without addressing this issue with you. Surely it must have crossed his mind that you are likely / potentially interested in having children at some point. If he’s completely opposed further children himself then I feel it’s totally unfair for him to have ventured into a committed relationship without having addressed that point.

Would it be mad to just enjoy the relationship for as long as it makes me happy

Not at all. Read so many threads on here where people go racing ahead and forget the now.

Have fun OP, you only get one shot at life

Friend married someone much older and a few weeks into relationship he clearly told her he didn’t want kids and wouldn’t change his mind.

My situation was similar to yours in terms of age gap and him having had kids. He knew I wanted them (at a later date, I was 30 then) and was very vague about what he wanted. Lots of vague maybes. We ended up splitting up few years later for other reasons. But I did feel annoyed with him and myself for ‘wasting’ my time as he clearly was never going to have more kids and he didn’t really want to settle down again - as in marriage / living together / this is it...

Don’t be me....