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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DB is marrying someone he’s only met a handful of times - can I/do I say anything?

42 replies

CarolynMartens · 18/06/2019 12:38

She lives abroad, he’s been out to see her a few times. The wedding will be in her home country. Our DM is excited and I will go to the wedding with my DD and DP and other family but I am concerned for him. I know it’s not my business, but I am divorced and it was horrible and that was before I had DD. I feel like marriage can be hard enough even if you know each other well. Do I just crack on and not say anything?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 18/06/2019 12:40

Where is her home country and how old are they?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 18/06/2019 12:42

What's the financial situation for each of them

IM0GEN · 18/06/2019 12:43

I’d say something if I were you. But be prepared for him to ignore you or get angry.

What do the rest of your family think ?

Why have the decided not to live together first , to get to know each other ?

Where do they plan to live after the wedding ?

PhannyPharts · 18/06/2019 12:43

Support him, he won't change his mind based on anything you say (I doubt it anyway) and be there if it all goes wrong. If you express negativity it won't be received well.

Sometimes we have to let people make their own mistakes, as hard as that is

Loopytiles · 18/06/2019 12:45

Where do they plan to live? Will he/she be eligible for a visa?! Costs loads to sort that out.

WhiteLightTrainWreck · 18/06/2019 12:47

In addition to the above questions, what are their living plans post wedding? Will he be moving to her home country or will she be moving here or will they go somewhere else entirely?
I don't know of I could move away from my family to a new country.

Tentomidnight · 18/06/2019 12:50

Difficult one.

How did they meet?

If there are any major red flags (e.g. big financial disparity) then if it was me I would have to say something. Not to put him off necessarily, but to open a dialogue about any concerns he may have lurking in his mind.
But if they seem as though they are a couple who may have met and got together under normal circumstances (if they lived in same place) then I would just be happy for him.

PollyEsterblouse · 18/06/2019 12:51

I wish I knew what to suggest to you. I'm feeling the same about an upcoming wedding. The relationship clearly isn't built to last; the groom is as much fun as toothache; they're getting married because all their friends are.

I talked about it with a friend of mine whose sibling got engaged to Miss/Mr Wrong. He decided to speak up and say something, and it didn't go down well.

I've decided I'll keep quiet and be there to pick up the pieces in the event of it not working out. Really interested to see the replies you get from others.

EileenAlanna · 18/06/2019 12:52

Could you talk about your concerns with your mother in confidence? She may have reservations herself & welcome having someone to talk to.

museumum · 18/06/2019 12:54

what can you say? they know that what they're proposing isn't the 'norm', it's not going to be a surprise to them if you point that out.

i'm assuming it's either a religion thing or a visa thing that they can't live together first.... whatever it is i'm sure they have reasons.

i wouldn't do it. but i also wouldn't presume to tell somebody else who has chosen to that i know better.

mummyhaschangedhername · 18/06/2019 13:46

I think we need more details. Like how long until the wedding and how long have them being "dating"?

I guess I ask because my SIL could have written similar about me, husband and I have been married 12 years now.

Bananalanacake · 18/06/2019 16:23

do you think she's after his money. you can only sit back and see what happens.

PouncerDarling · 18/06/2019 16:24

It's none of your business who he marries. You support him during this and you support him if it fucks up.

Bluntness100 · 18/06/2019 16:26

I think we need more details

Of course. This could be a fifty year old man with a twenty year old Thai Bride through to to twenty year old on line friends.

The context is all important.

FuriousVexation · 18/06/2019 16:54

I know it’s not my business, but I am divorced and it was horrible...

Yeah me too. I still managed to turn up at my sisters wedding and smile my way through the vows.

More fool me, they are still married 20 yrs later!

AuntieStella · 18/06/2019 16:57

You are right, it is not your business.

But, yes there are lots of reasons to be concerned, and a sibling is someone you should be close enough to, to stick your beak in (tactfully, one hopes)

There are many pertinent questions in the thread. If you fo not know the answers, then your start pint really needs to be finding out

womaninthedark · 18/06/2019 16:58

He's barking and you need to keep quiet. You won't change his mind.

TellItLikeItReallyIs · 18/06/2019 18:42

But is he kind? Grin

Original poster
CarolynMartens · 18/06/2019 18:51

Thanks everyone for your time. I hadn’t really thought about the money, he’s 29 and has a mortgage on a house but there’s no fortune! I have no idea of her financial situation. I’m guessing she’s in her 20s too.

I think I know I can’t say anything. If it does work out they’re not exactly going to want to be in touch with me!

OP posts:
xiona75 · 19/06/2019 04:40

I can imagine that both my siblings and my husbands had similar reservations-we were engaged two weeks after we met! We will celebrate our 16th wedding anniversary next week. Be supportive and hope for the best x

Aquamarine1029 · 19/06/2019 04:56

Stay well out of it. He's an adult and is entitled to fuck up his life if he chooses to. It's honestly not your problem.

RiversDisguise · 19/06/2019 05:01

Oh noes, a forrin woman...

I hope your brother knows the following if she is non EU:

If he plans to bring her in, he needs to have continuous 6 month employment history at certain wage and several thousand (3k ish) in the bank to stump up for application fee
and NHS fee. She has to stay out of UK while they apply, which can take many months. (True of all non EU spouses). A lot of paperwork needs to be tracked down and proving the relationship will most likely be an arseache for them.

If he plans to leave for while to live with her there and he loses his 6 months continuous employment, he will have to return to UK alone to work for 6 months again before they can apply while she stays at home. A separation of up to a year can happen... unless he has over 60k cash in bank (assets like house do not count).

She could be stuck alone, potentially with a baby on the way or arrived, before they can live together in the UK.

Even the most committed couples suffer ..

I married a British man and I adore him but so help me God I would not recommend this path to anyone. The UK rules are unconscionable and the separations they necessitate intolerable. And when you shell out £1000 for the NHS fee for the first 2.5 years, it's hard not to feel as if you are being robbed.

Birdie6 · 19/06/2019 05:04

I'd stay out of it and wish them well. My niece married after she'd spent just 9 (separate) days with her DH . He was on leave from fighting in Afghanistan when they met, and they had just a few dates before she flew to stay with his parents. They married as soon as he came home. They've been married for 15 years and couldn't be happier.

TanteRose · 19/06/2019 05:26

wot Rivers said

Palaver1 · 19/06/2019 06:07

His your brother have you talk it’s how you put it to him .

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