DB is marrying someone he’s only met a handful of times - can I/do I say anything?

[CarolynMartens]

She lives abroad, he’s been out to see her a few times. The wedding will be in her home country. Our DM is excited and I will go to the wedding with my DD and DP and other family but I am concerned for him. I know it’s not my business, but I am divorced and it was horrible and that was before I had DD. I feel like marriage can be hard enough even if you know each other well. Do I just crack on and not say anything?

Don’t say anything just be there for him if it goes tits up. You won’t change his mind

Does he realise he is marrying a village ?

@riversdisguise I know what you mean! my husband just finally got leave to remain in July last year. We have been married 7 years!
Its amazing just how many tens of thousands we have spent on applications, fees etc. Over the years. Not to mention the blood , sweat and tears of doing the paperwork ourselves. The process involves a painstakingly long wait with multiple rules and applications.
I read stories about the system separating a parent from their children and I'm so glad it wasn't me!

I wouldn't say anything to DB just perhaps ask if he is happy in private and if so, tell him he has your support

when you shell out £1000 for the NHS fee for the first 2.5 years, it's hard not to feel as if you are being robbed
Working as a freelancer, I pay more than 600 gbp a month for standard health insurance here in Germany. Healthcare costs money everywhere, whether you pay for it through taxes or insurance. Are you complaining about paying 1000 GBP in for 2.5 years - 30 GBP a month - or is that 1000 GBP per month?

OP, I lived with my then bf for 5 years before we got married but it didn't prepare me for getting married and having a family with him. That changed everything.

@ravenmum

It’s a bargain.

What are the Immigration Health Surcharge changes?

On 8 January 2019, the Immigration Health Surcharge (IHS) will increase by £200 to £400 per year for non-European Economic Area (EEA) nationals seeking to enter the UK for over 6 months.

The surcharge will also double for non-EEA students and Tier 5 (Youth Mobility) visa applicants from £150 to £300 per year.

I'd be in heaven paying that kind of fee for healthcare :) Guess Rivers comes from somewhere where healthcare is even cheaper.

@ravenmum I think pp is from UK like myself. It's an NHS surcharge. Personally I think it's a great idea to help our NHS and prevent/ manage misuse of the service but obviously it's a lot to pay upfront if you are applying for a visa which a marriage one is generally 2.5 years each time. I am so grateful we have the NHS as I could not afford the rates mentioned by @IMOGEN!

I got engaged to Dh after 9 weeks of knowing him and we married 7 months after meeting. That was 30 years ago so it can work!

Yes we took a huge risk marrying so quickly but it has worked out for us and there are many, many people who have long “courtships” and who then get divorced.

I would stay out of it and you may feel very different once you meet her.

I come from somewhere where healthcare is much better in every way.

Ohnotheinlaws, sympathies, you know how harrowing and expensive this process is. This will be costing us tens of thousands too. Anyone throwing the word "bargain" into conversation hasn't the first fucking idea.

Healthcare is bad in the UK because it is so cheap.

I'm not saying it's a bargain to enter the UK, Rvers - I'm saying that 30 GBP a month for healthcare is indeed a bargain. As I mentioned, I pay 20 times that, so I'm sure you'll understand where I'm coming from there.

It depends is your concern simply that it is too soon and they aren't well suited? If so you need to leave them to it.

On the otherhand if you suspect that this is a marriage of convenience, that there is a plan to use the marriage for immigration/visa purposes, or that there is an element of abuse or coercion then you have a duty to inform the appropriate authorities.

I think if he is an adult of sound mind and they have thought through all the practicalities, then you support him and leave them to it.

But if you don't think they have thought it through, then it's worth having a conversation about the realities of having a foreign partner and what that means for the future. You can do it without being judgemental, but it's possible that the conversation alone will prompt him to think about the challenges that lie ahead.

If the rush to get married is for immigration reasons, it is really not that easy. It probably makes more sense to delay the wedding and spend more time getting to know each other (this makes it a lot easier from an immigration standpoint) and exploring how she might come to live in the UK prior to marriage. I'm a non-EU national and when I moved to the UK, I think it was much easier than it is today. I could apply for a fiance visa, which was a relatively simple process though not cheap, and then I moved here and we had 6 months to get married so that I could apply for leave to remain. The pathway I believe is slightly different now. Though I have never had any issues with living in the UK, the visa applications are stressful and invasive and expensive. It's taken me 8 years to get indefinite leave to remain. If they marry abroad, there are no guarantees she will be able to come to the UK in the near future and they will continue to live apart unless your DB plans to move there.

I would just gently ask what they plan to do and if they haven't yet, they should make an appointment to speak to an immigration advisor (she can join by skype or phone). This alone may prompt some thinking.

"And when you shell out £1000 for the NHS fee for the first 2.5 years, it's hard not to feel as if you are being robbed."

why? This strange lack of understanding the British have for how expensive medical care really is! I battle to get my family to understand that you must not set foot on a plane without health insurance, simply because the NHS is taking so for granted!

That is cheap as chips. My overseas health insurance is well over £3,000 FOR ONE YEAR! And that is fine. Because being in a car crash or serious sports injury or, God forbid, a dread disease would bankrupt me otherwise.

A thousand pounds for over 2 years is nothing. The UK is not liable to provide free health care for the world.

I'm curious what country is she from?

I wish someone had seriously challenged me when I got engaged to XDH after just 8 weeks. Not just a murmured ‘are you sure’ but a serious ‘look, why are you doing this? Why so hasty? What if I said you can’t ever marry him, what would you do, how would you feel’. Because when we did split - two children and 18 hard years later - there was a collective sigh of relief and chorus of ‘why did you ever marry that tosser?’

Lol... ok, convince yourselves people are flocking from around the world to use your marvellous NHS. I am not in the mood to disabuse you.

OP, sorry your thread got derailed by this BS. Seriously, check your brother understands the spouse visa rules if he plans to live in the UK. My kids have not seen their dad for four months and counting, and I haven't held my husband, because of the rules as they stand- and it's a heartache. As I said in my original post on this thread, he needs to realise how tough it is- and his wife should think very very carefully before marrying into the UK.

So two people who don't even live in the UK point out that the NHS is cheap compared with the countries they live in, and that means they think "their" NHS is amazing? Guess people hear what they want to hear.