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Original poster

DP and I are risking pregnancy, but neither of us want to be pregnant (apparently)

47 replies

MattieB19 · 18/06/2019 08:10

Essentially, my DP and I want children in a couple of years. However we both only use the withdrawal method and have sex 2/3 times a week. Every week we'll both say we need to stop being stupid and use condoms - we have them, buy them, use them occasionally. The broody part of me wants a child now but I know it's a stupid idea at this point for all the usual reasons (money, job stability), yet I am happy to risk it. Last time my period was over a week late, we did a test (negative thankfully) and my DP was very relieved and said that we need to be more careful. And yet do we use condoms or does he insist on it? Never. In fact as soon as he's drunk he mostly talks about how desperate he is to be a dad.

I know I'm being an idiot, but I'm admitting to myself that's because I secretely hope for an accident. Immature I think. I'm ashamed to admit this and accept that I'm probably going to be judged quite badly on here. But my DP insists he doesn't want a child yet but he's also willing to risk it weekly. Either he underestimates the risks, I exaggerate the risks or we're both as stupid as each other and not honest with each other.

I expect to be criticised but any insight is appreciated. I don't have any people in my life to discuss this with.

OP posts:
UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername · 18/06/2019 08:11

You have the one person you actually need to discuss it with: your DP.

stucknoue · 18/06/2019 08:12

To be honest in your circumstances it's ok. Whilst your sensible brain is saying wait, your hearts want a kid so if you do get pregnant it is not the end of the world. If you mustn't have a child yet then you need to take precautions!

Sicario · 18/06/2019 08:14

This isn't the best way to go about having a baby with someone. But you already know that.

SinkGirl · 18/06/2019 08:14

Sounds to me like you want a child now. Sounds like your DH is aware of the risks and still chooses not to use protection. Likelihood is you’ll be pregnant soon. Make sure he’s aware of that, and then let him decide whether he wears a condom or not. If you definitely don’t want to get pregnant now, insist he uses them.

Sounds to me like you both want a baby now, so I’m not sure why you can’t say that to each other?

FamilyOfAliens · 18/06/2019 08:15

but neither of us want to be pregnant (apparently)

Wait - your DP is male, right? So how can he be pregnant? Am I missing something?

Happyspud · 18/06/2019 08:18

If you do get pregnant, and there’s a high risk of that, you’ll have baggage and potentially a disaster. It’s not the baby that’s the problem, it’s the unwilling man you’d be tying yourself and your child to for the rest of your lives. Even if you stay together don’t underestimate the damage of having ‘you tricked me’ thrown in your face year after year during every argument. You’d be surprised how emotive an actual child can be, even when both parties were ready and wanted one.

You’re sabotaging the possibility of a really nice parenting experience for a self indulgent whim. Fine if it’s only about you but you’re dragging someone else into it and worse, a child too.

ComeAndDance · 18/06/2019 08:24

I have been in that situation. I wanted a child, H didn't but was refusing to use a condom so we used the withdrawal method.

I didn’t get pregnant but H also admitted later in that he basically expected me to have an abortion if I ever had been pregnant. Knowing very well that I desperately wanted a child...

So my advice in that would be
1- you clearly want a child which is you are quite happy to not rock the boat and go for the withdrawal method (which has the highest risk of failure)
2- he says that he doesn’t want a child/wants a child when drunk. Basically you don’t know where he stands. Have. Chat with your DP and make it clear you actually do want a baby, even if it’s not the right time. He needs to tell you where he stands as well as his position re termination etc...
3- have a hard look. If you do get pregnant, would you be happy to go for it alone?
Then review. A situation where he says no way to a child, would expect you to have a termination and would be ready to leave is completely different than one where he is happy to take risk because actually he wouldn’t mind being a dad.... (aka has the same dreams than you and hasn’t expressed it either)

Original poster
MattieB19 · 18/06/2019 08:26

Sorry, typo. I'm female, he's male, neither of us want me to be pregnant.

OP posts:
SpuriouserAndSpuriouser · 18/06/2019 08:26

Honestly you really need to talk to your DP about this. However if you don’t want to and you don’t want to start practicing safe sex then in your shoes I would start taking folic acid now (ideally you should be taking this from 2-3 months before you get pregnant) and potentially cut down on alcohol/talk to your doctor about any mediations you are on.

ComeAndDance · 18/06/2019 08:26

Happy this man would NOT be unwilling!! He is the one who isn’t keen in condoms and ‘doesn't Think about it’ so why is it the OP’s full responsibility again of she gets pregnant? He has a role and if she does get pregnant this is because he was WILLING to take that risk! He wasn’t conned or forced or lied to.

ShatnersWig · 18/06/2019 08:27

Yes, let's risk something incredibly life changing that you know isn't a good idea at this point in time.

Just WHY?

ComeAndDance · 18/06/2019 08:28

but I'm admitting to myself that's because I secretely hope for an accident.
That tells me you DO want to be pregnant in some ways, even if you are not actively trying to get pregnant.
You need to accept those feelings first and foremost if you want to move forward and take the best decision for you and you as a couple.

Original poster
MattieB19 · 18/06/2019 08:29

Thanks for all your responses, I see where you're all coming from. I don't feel he would say I tricked him. He's clearly aware of the risks (brings them up occasionally) and is consenting to them. When he asks what we would do if it happened, I have said I wouldn't have an abortion and he never really says what he would want. Which is concerning! But he's also a very good man and we are very much in a loving stable relationship. I don't believe he would leave me, but obviously that's a possibility I have to consider.

OP posts:
TheVanguardSix · 18/06/2019 08:31

You don’t need our insight OP.
You want a baby and you need to talk about it with him... when he’s NOT drunk. You guys just need to come to a decision.

LemonTT · 18/06/2019 08:31

The risks are not the same for him. In fact he can pretty much continue with this and have no risk whatsoever for the consequences.

For you, if you get pregnant you are faced with a decision you to be a single mother or have an abortion.

But that isn’t even the real issue. Getting pregnant involves risk for a third person, the child. They deserve to be wanted by bother parents who are going to do the best for that child and be responsible for their needs.

RoyalChocolat · 18/06/2019 08:34

I was in the same situation. Of course I quickly got pregnant with DC4. DH promptly accused me of tricking him into having this child and has been throwing it back in my face everytime I ask him to do his share for help.

Whatever you do please have a conversation with him to make things clear.

Original poster
MattieB19 · 18/06/2019 08:35

Thanks for all the honesty, much appreciated. I need to work up the courage to talk about this, soon.

OP posts:
yourestandingonmyneck · 18/06/2019 08:38

Agree, I think you are as stupid as each other.

You've stated that you don't want a child at this point in your life due to money, job security etc. Fine. You have also stated that you are happy to risk it. Well, that's idiotic but if that's your choice why are you posting on an Internet forum about it? What do you want us to say?

BertrandRussell · 18/06/2019 08:39

You need to start using effective contraception. Then you need to talk about it. From now-no condom then no sex. Simple.

PerspicaciaTick · 18/06/2019 08:40

First, don't make any assumptions or decisions based on the soppy stuff he says when drunk.

Original poster
MattieB19 · 18/06/2019 08:42

Sometimes you need someone else to remind you of how stupid you're being, I will admit that and I'm glad for it. It's easy to get caught up in your own fantasies, don't worry I'm aware I'm naïve and stupid and need to sort this out. I have more conviction now.

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 18/06/2019 08:43

In fact he can pretty much continue with this and have no risk whatsoever for the consequences.

Well just op trying to get some maintenance from him for the authorities, with uncertain success.

Aussiebean · 18/06/2019 08:44

If you need to work up the courage to discuss family planning with your partner, are you really ready for a baby?

Or even in the right relationship?

Moralitym1n1 · 18/06/2019 08:47

Op this board regularly has pregnant posters being pressured to have abortions by their partners.

I wouldn't put much store by what someone says drunk.

Let me tell you from personal experience (and this is me, not even my partner; his response was positive) .. the idea of a potential, theoretical baby is a world away from the reality of a positive pregnancy test and a little human, who will change everything in your life, arriving in 9 short months. It is shocking, you feel trapped, it is scary. Your op may well feel like that, sober - he doesn't want s baby now.

Happyspud · 18/06/2019 08:47

@Comeanddance, don’t be so naive. It’s all well and good saying that but reality is often as if the man was completely unwilling and equals taking no responsibility. So you can stand there and say ‘but you did xyz etc etc’ but that is completely useless after the fact. And you should NEVER rely on an argument like that. Idealistically you are right but practically you are saying something very foolish.