DP and I are risking pregnancy, but neither of us want to be pregnant (apparently)

[MattieB19]

Essentially, my DP and I want children in a couple of years. However we both only use the withdrawal method and have sex 2/3 times a week. Every week we'll both say we need to stop being stupid and use condoms - we have them, buy them, use them occasionally. The broody part of me wants a child now but I know it's a stupid idea at this point for all the usual reasons (money, job stability), yet I am happy to risk it. Last time my period was over a week late, we did a test (negative thankfully) and my DP was very relieved and said that we need to be more careful. And yet do we use condoms or does he insist on it? Never. In fact as soon as he's drunk he mostly talks about how desperate he is to be a dad.

I know I'm being an idiot, but I'm admitting to myself that's because I secretely hope for an accident. Immature I think. I'm ashamed to admit this and accept that I'm probably going to be judged quite badly on here. But my DP insists he doesn't want a child yet but he's also willing to risk it weekly. Either he underestimates the risks, I exaggerate the risks or we're both as stupid as each other and not honest with each other.

I expect to be criticised but any insight is appreciated. I don't have any people in my life to discuss this with.

You'll be the one most affected by this.

Take responsibility for yourself with the pill/injection/implant/coil, whatever until such times as you've discussed it thoroughly and are both fully onboard.

Thanks all - I will stop this now because something goes wrong for me. I appreciate the brutal honesty.

You both want a baby.

Logically you know it isn't the time financially, but as you both actually want one you are going along with the charade so you can both claim it to be an 'accident'.

I wouldn't necessarily agree that he definitely does, lots of men are willing to play Russian roulette with pregnancy, with the last resort option on an abortion in the back of their minds .. cause they don't have to have it, or they won't be left a single mum if the relationship doesn't work out.

Lots of men just think with their dicks.

Are you willing and able to face pregnancy alone and then single parenting?

Why not be honest that you want a baby now and start planning how you can make it work.

Just in terms of him saying he wants to be a dad when he's drunk, that's exactly how my OH was. Wanted a baby when he'd had a drink and then the next morning would retract what he'd said.

Trust was he wanted a baby but was just scared. He felt brave when he'd had a drink then panicked when he thought about it sober.

Anyway, fast forward a few months and we agreed to stop preventing it and see what happened. I was on the pill so took a while to conceive - around 18 months.
However we now have a beautiful baby girl who he absolutely adores.

It's a big deal for a man to admit he wants a family I think.
Have a conversation with DP. Remind him of the risks of not using contraception and ask how he'd feel if you DID fall pregnant. At least then you know where you stand.

By the way OP, it's not only up to him to insist on condoms if you're not ready for a baby yet. It's your responsibility too!

Lots of men just think with their dicks

Yes quite right, sad to say, its that ole bitch mother nature that drives us to it dontcha know;?

Why OP dont you get a coil fitted or get on the pill thats a very good idea for right now? Both are reversible when you really can cope with a little other person in your lives?

Further on the subject of him subconsciously wanting a baby too - for some people every month without a pregnancy is "proof" that you can take the risk and get away with it.

In reality the opposite is true - your odds of getting pregnant are increasing every month.

(because risk and odds are two different things and even at 35 to 39, with almost half the risk at in your 20s, 90% of women having regular unprotected sex will get pregnant within 2 years).

Why aren’t you using another method of contraception?

You need to make a good decision for you. Think of the worst case scenario and how you would deal with it. Just you not him.

Then talk to him

I agree with the PP who says if you can’t even discuss it with him you are not in the right place to have a baby with him. Sort contraception pronto

This is going to be a disaster for you. If you become pregnant you will be happy ("it's meant to be!" - ignoring the fact you have been basically ttc). He will finally think about it properly for the first time, and decide he wants you to have an abortion.

There is no good way out of that situation for your relationship.

I need to work up the courage to talk about this, soon.

If you need to find “courage” to talk to your partner about this, I would think you need to re-assess your definition of a loving and stable relationship.

The heart wants what the heart wants (in this case a baby)

The fact that your HEAD knows the time isn’t right, your heart still wants it.

It sounds like you need to discuss whether your heads or hearts are winning this one. I’d its your heads get on some proper contraception. If it’s your hearts do what you can to make the timing better & be more prepared for the changes it would bring - get excited about it and enjoy getting pregnant.

Your hearts are trying to sneakily get pregnant so you can justify ignoring your heads to yourselves and others . That’s childish. Own your decision!
Think about what you really want & talk to your DP.

The timing is never ‘right’ and it’s not always possible to get pregnant exactly when you’d like to personally unless it would be an absolute disaster I’d go for it now.

Neither one of you wants to be pregnant? But it will only be one of you who ends up pregnant and it's not him! Unless you are both ready to commit to starting a family, then the dynamics of an accident (happy or otherwise) could change the dynamics of your marriage. And possibly not for the better.....

This is pretty much how dd1 was conceived.

Given the number of women on here with infertility issues, your post is in INCREDIBLY bad taste.

To be entirely honest, my husband and I have lately been playing fast and loose with contraception and have both admitted we love the idea of making another baby together even though we know the timing isn't ideal. But we already have two and know, barring anything really unforeseen, what we'd be getting ourselves into if we were to have a "happy accident." For us it's more of a matter of not wanting to deal with nosy family saying "really, you wanted MORE?" and having the easy fix of "well, sometimes accidents happen and you just roll with it!"

For you, this could be total disaster territory. You've got to be able to be open about your first- and second-order desires in order to undertake this kind of accidentally-on-purpose thing without it hurting anyone.

Given the number of women on here with infertility issues, your post is in INCREDIBLY bad taste.

No it isn't.

Op this is a very immature way to behave.....this is a potential childs future...

If you are not mature enough to OPENLY discuss and agree on this then get some contraception fast.

Given the number of women on here with infertility issues, your post is in INCREDIBLY bad taste.

Don’t be ridiculous. It’s a parenting website not a fertility issues website. Everyone can be heard

I think it’s very important to find out wether he’d want you to terminate, because if he might, it would ruin your relationship, you terminate and blame him, or keep it and he blames you. If he would want a termination then YABU, abortion is not contraception.

I think loads of people probably end up having children this way and just don’t tell people, as long as your on the same page it’s not the end of the world. Although still a pretty immature way of going about ttc