Age difference

[SMellisa]

Please can I have your honest opinions. I've gotten opinions off friends but I'd like to see if they are the same with opinions on here...

Over the past few weeks (very early stages) I have started to see a guy who is lovely. There is one thing potentially holding me back ... the age difference between us.

I'm 26 and he is 42. He will be 43 this year... what do you think?

He is a young 42... at the moment anyway. I wonder if it will change in the future ?

Anyone had any similar experiences ?

So my friend is 35 and about to marry a (young!) 50 year old. So a similar age gap. They don't see it as an issue because they both want the same things, to the same time schedule.

If you want the same things out of life, and in roughly the same time schedule, it's probably not an issue. If he wants a baby before he's 45 and you want to wait 10 years for example, then yes it's an issue.

Only time will tell. Mine changed massively between 45 and now. Turning into a right miserable bastard. I guess some will and some won’t. You might change too though.

Thanks @sar302 x

It won’t just be him who will change, so will you. I’m very different now to what I was in my twenties, maybe others have an opinion on that too. I think the age gap is too big for your time in life.
He may start thinking about winding down in a few years whilst your life is taking off. His health may be more likely (I’m not saying definitely) to decline as he reaches his 50s and if you’re planning a future with him and kids you need to take that into consideration.

I think once you are over 30 it's not too bad but mid twenties you change so much. What about life stages? Are you at the same stage?

He may start thinking about winding down in a few years whilst your life is taking off

Oh FFS - he's only 42 and in a few years he'll still be in his 40s!

His health may be more likely (I’m not saying definitely) to decline as he reaches his 50s

In all probability it won't.

Honestly, the ageist crap some people spout on MN.

Thanks all x

@Piggle23 we are at different stages ... he has 2 teenage children.

I've seen it work in reverse. My friend, early thirties, married a man 20 years older. They've been together a long time also before marriage. They've just split up as he says he's got far more energy and enjoying of life to do and she's just lacking in passion for life and has no umph.

There are 24 years between my partner and I. He has two grown up children, I have a 10yo and 7yo. He has been my partner for 6 years. My family didn't like him at all at first, they made it incredibly difficult at family events, birthdays etc. But now they love him and we're all going away together as a massive family in September. My partner is very young at heart, my only fear is being alone once he's gone...but I could go first so no point worrying too much!

I was 24 when I got with my ex. He was 42.
We lasted 6 years. By the time I was 30, I was just coming into my prime. I was more outgoing, my drive for life had flourished and I was thriving. He however was resentful and started accusing me of things that weren't happening (apparently I was cheating on him with the men I work with, I wasn't!!) I think the fact he was pushing 50 and I was still out there, making new friends and loving life bothered him. We had grown into different people to the ones we had been. He had experienced things that I was just discovering and he lacked enthusiasm to be happy for me.
After realising he was mentally trying to control me I left.
I'm now with someone my age and it's amazingly different and so much easier.

Age gap relationships work for some, but not everyone.

@Wittsendargh I love that.. thanks x

I’m 34 with someone 20 years older and happier than I’ve ever been. We want the same things, get on really well and all my friends love him.

Do you see yourself potentially wanting to marry and have kids with him?

I had a 3 1/2 year relationship with the exact same age gap. It was amazing. I ended up leaving him just before I turned 30 but it more about wanting to return to the UK (we lived in Far East). We are still in touch. He had another child in his late 50s, his dd from previous relationship is mid thirties now.
I have fond memories of that relationship but it could have been the lifestyle that came with him (professional job, fancy restaurants, nice holidays).
Ironically I ended up marrying a penniless immigrant a year younger than me!

I'm 28 and DH is 43 so almost the same!

No issues whatsoever although people judge your relationship at first

My ex was 20 years older. It was okay to begin with, but as he neared 60 he started to look ‘old’. He had also done a lot of the stuff I still wanted to do, and so whilst it wasn’t an issue as such, it did rule some things out and dissuade me from others.

I’m 30 and my husband is 25 years older, we’ve got a 1 year old and another on the way.
I was honest with him from the beginning that I wanted children and luckily, so did he. When we started dating I had my own place, my own career and had spent the first half of my twenties doing things that were important to me and although he’s had more experience than me in some ways, there’s a lot I’ve done that he hasn’t and we actually learn from each other in that way. We both enjoy doing new things together or introducing the other to things we have done before. It works for us! As for the future, I can either worry about it or I can enjoy the time we have together as nobody can predict what will happen. If I only have twenty years with him, I will be proud and glad that those twenty years will have produced our children and a loving marriage. I know couples where one spouse has gotten ill, age doesn’t predict it.
If it works for you and you are both honest with each other about what you both want then go for it and enjoy your time together. People marry their spouses knowing they have a terminal illness and just ensure they make the most of the time they have. Some people divorce after ten, or twenty years. Some people never meet someone they want to spend such a long time with. Time spent worrying about unknowns is time wasted, just make sure you have thought it all through and have a realistic outlook.

My ex was 11 years older. We got together when I was 26 and she was 37. Started going downhill after six years but stuck it out another four, foolishly. She just wanted to stay in on our own having "been there, done that" (her words). I wouldn't date large age gap again but I do know others for whom it has worked.

Totally fine in my oliv. Go for it!

I was with a man 21 years older than me when I was in my late 20s - he turned 50 when I was still 28!
It worked really well for a few years, he had grown up children and I had one DC and they all got along so well. We both wanted the same things, including more children, then unfortunately he changed his mind about wanting more which I tried to deal with, but ultimately it spelled the end of our relationship.

I was utterly heartbroken. I don’t regret a single second of it though, that relationship taught me so much. So basically yes it can work and there is no problem with it if you both want the same things.

My parents had a big age gap - 14 years. The age gap seemed small until my dad got old and then it seemed huge.

It's all a bit 'ick' for me - but each to their own.
It really depends what you both want for the future.
Do you want kids?
When do you want kids?
Does he want kids?
What about marriage?
Basically, even it you date for 2 years before kids.
He will be 44.
So 60 when kid is still a teen.
No thanks!

I'm 36, DH 61. Been together 12 years, Married for 8, got a 1 year old. We love life. Love each other.

My grandmother always said: "Don't meet trouble half way...".

we are at different stages ... he has 2 teenage children.

I would tread very carefully in this situation. Would be different if he didn't have DCs.

The teenage children are not going to be delighted about the relationship. Do you really want to be dealing with a cranky teenager possibly within 10 years of you having an attitude all the time? Trust me they will not be happy about their dad dating someone closer to their age than to his.