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Original poster

Fiancée no longer believes in marriage

36 replies

MysteryManchild · 17/06/2019 13:45

Wwyd? Have a dd with him, he proposed a year ago but has been dragging his heels and looks uncomfortable whenever I bring it up.

It hurts me. Marriage is important to me. I was engaged to my ex and planned my very dream (intimate) wedding with him but caught him cheating so called it off a few months before. Honestly I feel a little like guys will propose to me but no one actually wants to marry me. Why do I feel so heartbroken over this?

OP posts:
NoBaggyPants · 17/06/2019 13:49

Does he no longer believe in marriage, or in marriage to you?

If it's that important to you but he doesn't want to, then you'll need to find someone else that does want to marry you. It's his right not to get married as much as it is yours to wish to.

dottiedodah · 17/06/2019 14:30

If he proposed in the last year or so ,then has anything happened in the meantime to put him off do you think?.If all seems well .Then say to him in a quiet moment, do you want to get married still?.Sometimes if you give him a straight question then he will have to give a straight answer back!.Marriage isnt everything these days ,but bear in mind you are not as secure financially esp if you have children!

Hoppinggreen · 17/06/2019 14:36

What does he mean he doesn’t “believe “ in it?
It’s a thing, not something you believe in or not
What he means is he no longer wants to get married to you, he no longer wants to give you and your child adequate legal protection on case of a split or his death.
There’s a big difference between a wedding and marriage and if he doesn’t want the former then fine but if it’s being married he doesn’t want then if he sees you as a forever thing then why wouldn’t he.
I would be very wary of a man who didn’t “believe “ in protecting his family

ScreamingLadySutch · 17/06/2019 14:38

So sorry OP. He is not that in to you. Whose house is it? Maybe you should stop doing wifely things - sex, laundry, cleaning, cooking and see what he does.

It is such a mistake to have children outside marriage, the reality of it is economic vulnerability without the protection of a legal contract. It becomes about his 'feels'. Why do women do this.

Original poster
MysteryManchild · 17/06/2019 14:53

I agree about his wish being as important as mine, and that’s what I said to him. It’s not something that can be compromised on.

He said he still wants to be with me, when I said that won’t work he back tracked and said he would get married as long as there wasn’t a priest involved Hmm neither of us are religious at all and it was supposed to be a court house wedding anyway. I feel like he’s just trying to backtrack. I could never marry someone who didn’t want to marry me. Sad

He just tried to gaslight me with it. Saying I’ve twisted his words. Apparently he has nothing do what would marriage achieve? Apparently I’m just after his money. Grin it’s hard to talk reasonably with him because I get so muffled during arguments. He fires questions at me so fast I just can’t keep up.

OP posts:
fecketyfeck21 · 17/06/2019 15:01

i wouldn't be with someone who did this to me, putting words in my mouth and twisting them, does he have money ? or is this just another excuse ?

Original poster
MysteryManchild · 17/06/2019 15:02

He has no money and also a lot of debt. Grin

OP posts:
MyCatHatesEverybody · 17/06/2019 15:04

Then how can you be after his money? Sorry OP but he just doesn't want to marry you.

DPotter · 17/06/2019 15:06

Sadly I think he's having big second thoughts, but is being too chicken to come clean and say it out loud.

Don't know your domestic / accommodation situation, but I would start to get my head around moving out / moving on. He'll be stringing you along forever if not.

snowbear66 · 17/06/2019 15:06

How much debt? Do you own a house together or are you renting?

TheFaerieQueene · 17/06/2019 15:12

Tbh if he has a load of debt I wouldn’t marry him.
I think he has done you a huge favour.

Topseyt · 17/06/2019 15:17

If he has lots of debt then why are you so desperate to become shackled to him?

I would say don't do it. He is giving you a pretty clear message anyway.

QueenOfTheCroneAge · 17/06/2019 15:21

OP you should thank your lucky stars you aren't married to him and his debts. The way he talks at you is appalling. Time to move on.

HorridHenrysNits · 17/06/2019 17:11

Honestly it sounds like he might never have wanted to get married in the first place. Not uncommon for blokes to propose to a woman to pacify her for a bit after she's made it clearer than he likes that she wants marriage, then find some reason to back out of it. Don't have any more children with him until this is resolved.

That said, why do you want to marry him?

Bananalanacake · 17/06/2019 17:15

but if you marry him won't his debt become yours. do you know how much it is.

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 17/06/2019 17:26

I'd be glad he's not wanting to marry you as you'd marry his debts. But the main thing is the appalling way he treats you and gaslights you. Are there other red flags to his behaviour or is it just over the subject of marriage?
Thanks for you OP but I would definitely try and view this as a positive for your future ie not shackled to him and his shitty treatment of you and his debts.

Fairenuff · 17/06/2019 17:39

He doesn't sound much of a catch OP. Are you just settling for him do you think?

HorridHenrysNits · 17/06/2019 17:57

It doesnt become OPs as such but can potentially be taken into account in a divorce settlement, which obviously isn't applicable if not married.

OP do you have joint finances? A jointly owned home?

Original poster
MysteryManchild · 17/06/2019 18:16

Not joint finances, I’m actually on maternity leave still and don’t really have anything for myself. He gives me some money every month for shopping, baby clothes etc. Tbh marriage is not something I pressured him into at all. Dd was not planned but I never once tried to push it onto him. I have a few hang ups regarding marriage due to my ex but it’s something I’ve always wanted so this makes me so sad.

Not sure if I’m being unreasonable. If I can say here anonymously that truth be told is he my dream guy? Probably not. He’s not very affectionate. Not helpful around the house whatsoever and I’m not even sure if he loves me.. certainly doesn’t show it in the textbook ways iyswim. Sadly I am so desperate for love I’ll take what I can get.

OP posts:
dragonway · 17/06/2019 18:20

OP. Regardless of no joint accounts, once you marry him you are then liable for half his debts!! Don’t marry somebody with huge debts!! You’ve got a child to protect!!

AnthonyCrowley · 17/06/2019 18:23

Maybe he's worried about the cost? What if you offered a registry office do with no guests, drag two witnesses in off the street?

sunshinesupermum · 17/06/2019 18:28

So sorry for you OP but honestly why would you want to be married to this guy? Apart from his debts (which would become yours too if you married) He’s not very affectionate. Not helpful around the house whatsoever and I’m not even sure if he loves me.

You and your LO will have a better life if you rid yourself of him. However desperate you are for love (and if you show it this is something guys are put off by) you won't find that by staying with this one, let alone marrying him.

chipsandpeas · 17/06/2019 18:30

OP. Regardless of no joint accounts, once you marry him you are then liable for half his debts!! Don’t marry somebody with huge debts!! You’ve got a child to protect!!

no your not in the UK

HorridHenrysNits · 17/06/2019 19:00

You don't automatically become liable for 50% of someone's debts when you marry them.

SignedUpJust4This · 17/06/2019 19:43

OP don't marry someone who doesn't want to marry you. It's not worth it. Certainly don't marry someone with a shit load of debt. His debt becomes yours. My friend was in this situation. She married a man with debt and took on more than her fair share to pay it off o ly for him to run up a load more on gambling and then cheating on her. I'm sorry but this is not a good start to a marriage.

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