Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why can't I stop thinking about him?

39 replies

WhydoIwanthim · 16/06/2019 21:52

NC for obvious reasons.

I have a fantastic life. Beautiful DD, incredibly caring and lovely DH, great job and live in a great area. But I can't stop thinking "what if" about another man.

Long story short, I had a huge crush on him, and we had a few ONS. He is also friends with DH. The day the three of us met up and he found out about DH and I being in a relationship was the same day he had planned to finally ask me out for dinner.

There has always been a sense of "what if" regarding him. Honestly, had I know he was going to ask me out, I would've ditched DH for him on that day (I know how horrible that sounds- in my defence, DH and I started out as FWB and it slowly became more romantic). I dodnt find out until a couple of years later, and apparently OM always felt betrayed by DH as he'd been giving OM advice about me, not telling him about our relationship.

I know it's stupid. I'm happy with DH and love him to bits. But every single day I think about OM, and although I'd never actively try to cheat, and would never cheat with anyone else, if he turned up at my doorstep I would seriously consider leaving DH. Hand on heart, I had more fun in his company than DH's and we are much better suited in lots of ways. I want to stop thinking about him, I want to appreciate what I have and not fantasise about what could have been. DH deserves better. What the hell is wrong with me?

Someone please kick me into touch.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhydoIwanthim · 16/06/2019 22:12

Anyone, please?

It's taking everything I have not to contact OM and ask him if he thinks it would've worked between us. I don't know what I'd be going to achieve, but I feel like I need to know.

There is really something wrong with me.

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 16/06/2019 22:17

I don't think there is anything wrong with you.

It's natural to wonder what could of been, I'd probably do the same. However, contacting and asking him could spell the end of your marriage. Is it worth the risk?

burnyburny · 16/06/2019 22:18

How do you know the OM was going to ask you out that day?

I know life isn't black and white, but if your husband is as lovely and caring as you say, then surely you know he deserves a chance to find a partner who would never even consider leaving him for someone else. You don't love him like he deserves, irrespective of the OM. He is just your safety net.

spritesobright · 16/06/2019 22:19

Is something going on in your life now that's brought this on?
This isn't really about the OM as that's pure fantasy.
Liking someone and hanging out is a world away from marriage, kids and commitment.
You need to give yourself a serious reality check about what this fantasy is really about. It's about you and the things you might have felt you missed out on.

Windmillwhirl · 16/06/2019 22:21

I don't buy into it necessarily being fantasy. People do leave marriages for other people all the time.

Original poster
WhydoIwanthim · 16/06/2019 22:22

@Windmillwhirl If I'm totally honest with myself, I would be sending the message with the hope that he responds in kind. It's like, I don't want to hurt or leave DH, unless I know for certain I can be with OM. What a cunt I am.

If anyone else tried it on with me I'd be disgusted. It's just him. I feel like I married the wrong man. But if he didn't exist, I couldn't be happier than I am with DH.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhydoIwanthim · 16/06/2019 22:25

I know he was going to ask me out because him and DH had an argument a few months later and OM brought it up. He was going to ask me out on DH's advice, hence why he felt betrayed that DH had started a thing with me.

We have a young baby and I wouldn't change her for the world, but I do get fed up of the lack of support. DH works long hours and the times of his shifts means he's hardly ever here so I have practically zero support with the baby.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhydoIwanthim · 16/06/2019 22:27

@burnyburny I know he deserves so much better. That's why I want to get this stupid fantasy out of my head so I can be the wife he deserves.

OP posts:
burnyburny · 16/06/2019 22:29

How were you feeling about the OM when your DH proposed, when you were planning and having your wedding, during your pregnancy, etc?

How often do you see this guy?

Original poster
WhydoIwanthim · 16/06/2019 22:34

@burnyburny I had a fantasy of him doing that stupid movie thing of standing up to stop the wedding when it got to the objections part of the vow.
We moved away after we married and it made it easier to not see him, and I thought that I would stop thinking about him by now. But I haven't. I still think about him literally every day, despite not seeing him for over a year and not having had any contact with him for about 6 months.

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 16/06/2019 22:35

If you are sitting alone at home with a baby with little support, it's understandable your mind could drift.

Why did you not go with other man after the fight with him and your now DH?. Why not act then?

Original poster
WhydoIwanthim · 16/06/2019 22:41

@Windmillwhirl I should've done. I thought about it at the time. But I'd just introduced DH to my family and wanted to save face.

OP posts:
Thatsalovelycuppatea · 16/06/2019 22:45

I wonder this too been with dh for 20 years.
I meet people now and I know I have a connection with them. If I had been single I would have made a move but life is what life is.....I've made my choice.

Original poster
WhydoIwanthim · 16/06/2019 22:47

@Thatsalovelycuppatea How do you reach that acceptance that you made your choice though? That's where I need to be

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 16/06/2019 22:47

This sounds incredibly difficult. You are living with what ifs, but there is no guarantee your life would be happier with this other man.

I understand the temptation to contact the OM. Would it realky give you closure? It may tear your world apart.

I've always been a follow your heart person. Others will no doubt tell you to follow your head.

Lefty1 · 16/06/2019 23:10

So you married your DH hoping that the OM would stride in and yell stop? Wow you really don’t love your DH. You are fucked up. Leave him and let him find someone who actually wants him for him not as a constellation prize. If my partner was so obsessed with someone else I’d seriously want nothing more to do with them . Don’t make your DH live a lie. Pathetic

Original poster
WhydoIwanthim · 16/06/2019 23:16

@Lefty1 You are harsh but I deserve that.

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 16/06/2019 23:24

I think it's pretty extreme to say that you would just up and leave your DH if OM turned up on the doorstep. This is a man that you've slept with but had no other relationship with. You have no idea how life would be with him. And I feel awful for your DH that you wished OM had stopped your wedding. You either need to make the decision to leave your DH, irrespective of OM, or focus on making a happy life with DH and your baby.

Thatsalovelycuppatea · 17/06/2019 14:44

I just spoke to friends about their marriages.
Everyone has ups and downs, men seem shiney on the outside but they all have their own issues. I've just been working on myself, I've finished therapy and I try to see the positives in my dh. It's like many on here say, think of this guy having a sick bug and being on the loo, think about him in a way that will really see him in a different way. That had also helped me. BiscuitThanks

Countrypie · 17/06/2019 16:30

These things are fantasies for a reason- it would not work in real life. The what ifs will torture you if you let them. Instead just try to think of them as something most of us have and even let yourself enjoy the day dreaming. Don't mess up your whole life for a fantasy but accept you might always have tinged of emotion about this guy and that's ok. Don't give it so much power. Try to view it as a pleasant visitor but not something to base real life decisions. Most of us have regrets and what ifs but they can be dangerous if you start acting on them.

JellyBean31 · 17/06/2019 16:41

I used to think "what if" when I was married over a guy I used to go out with and carried on sleeping with every now and again even after we split up. When he found out I was in a relationship with exH he did ask me out but I said no. Occasionally in the bad times of my marriage I did wonder what might have happened if I'd have said yes.

Anyway fast forward to 2 years ago, I'm divorced, single and bumped into him on a night out with my girlfriends... You know I didn't even recognise him, not because he'd changed but because I didn't need that fantasy escape route in my head anymore.

On my opinion, this is much more to do with you & how you are feeling in your marriage then th OM.

Original poster
WhydoIwanthim · 17/06/2019 23:14

Thank you all for your responses.

I think you're right, there's been a few problems in our marriage from the start, mostly involving DH overworking and not being physically around, and with a baby it has brought it out even more as I feel completely unsupported and like I'm raising DD on my own.

I've spoken to him about it but he rightly says that's just the nature of his job and his industry, and I knew that when I married him. It'll never change. OM on the other hand works a 9 to 5 job, so I can't help but compare the two and think he'd be so much more supportive in that he'd actually be there.

I guess I compare my life with DH to my fantasy life with OM, and of course OM trumps real life in every way.

OP posts:
Piggle23 · 17/06/2019 23:27

Can I repeat what another poster asked. Is there something stressful or something you want to escape at the moment? Sometimes it's not about the person but our mind creating a bit of an oasis if you get what I mean.

Piggle23 · 17/06/2019 23:28

Sorry missed a few posts.

burnyburny · 17/06/2019 23:35

I don't really think dealing with the baby alone, or the husbands shifts, or a stressful situation, is what this is about.

It might have emphasised things, but OP wanted OM to stop her wedding and that wasn't recently.