Why can't I stop thinking about him?

[WhydoIwanthim]

NC for obvious reasons.

I have a fantastic life. Beautiful DD, incredibly caring and lovely DH, great job and live in a great area. But I can't stop thinking "what if" about another man.

Long story short, I had a huge crush on him, and we had a few ONS. He is also friends with DH. The day the three of us met up and he found out about DH and I being in a relationship was the same day he had planned to finally ask me out for dinner.

There has always been a sense of "what if" regarding him. Honestly, had I know he was going to ask me out, I would've ditched DH for him on that day (I know how horrible that sounds- in my defence, DH and I started out as FWB and it slowly became more romantic). I dodnt find out until a couple of years later, and apparently OM always felt betrayed by DH as he'd been giving OM advice about me, not telling him about our relationship.

I know it's stupid. I'm happy with DH and love him to bits. But every single day I think about OM, and although I'd never actively try to cheat, and would never cheat with anyone else, if he turned up at my doorstep I would seriously consider leaving DH. Hand on heart, I had more fun in his company than DH's and we are much better suited in lots of ways. I want to stop thinking about him, I want to appreciate what I have and not fantasise about what could have been. DH deserves better. What the hell is wrong with me?

Someone please kick me into touch.

Don't act. Don't text. Don't do anything.

Cherish the fantasy crush and the imagining what could have been. But in the knowledge that the timing was off and it didn't happen. All things happen for a reason. It was fate that brought you and DH together and now you have a lovely baby. The baby months are v tough without much support so of course the grass will look greener anywhere else. But please don't act on it, now wouldn't be the right time from the sounds of it

The grass might look greener on the other side, but if you water your own grass it'll be just as green.

Please don't contact this OM. It would be the end of everything you've got. If you can't work things out to stay with your husband then you need to leave him, but not for the OM. Just to be on your own to sort your head out.

I don't think you love this OM, I just think you're in love with the idea of it. In reality it could be shit.

Well they could have been small thoughts like everyone has and now op is magnifying them into something bigger as a fantasy escape.

Also don't cherish the fantasy. Don't fan the flames, give yourself a talk when you daydream about this guy. It's not reality. It never is.

So DH and I have had another disagreement. We had a chance of a rare evening together yesterday, but he decided to stay and help his colleague at work. He didn't need to. But I guess he'd rather support his colleague than support his wife and be with his child.

He was also supposed to be helping me today with taking our cat to the vets for an operation, as I don't drive. I gave him plenty of notice, he said it would be fine, but now at the last minute it turns out he can't help pick her up. So I now have to walk 3 miles juggling a baby and a post-operation cat in a carrier.

OM is maybe visiting us for a weekend at the end of the month. I'm tempted to ask him to take me with him when he leaves. (I'monly half joking!)

Long story short, I had a huge crush on him, and we had a few ONS

They’re not one nighters with the same person?

Leave your DH. You clearly don’t love him

You say that the problems from the beginning were down to your husband working long hours and not being at home, surely the problems were caused by you not loving him and wishing that someone had stood up at your wedding to stop it.

But I guess he'd rather support his colleague than support his wife and be with his child.

Maybe has an inkling that you'd rather be married to his mate and have had a baby with him.

Well I've had enough and you are all right that it's not fair on him for me to be fantasizing about someone else.

I will always love DH for giving me DD - she's tbe best thing to ever happen to me. But our marriage and whole relationship is a sham. He knows I'm upset and angry and I've had a half hearted apology, but I suppose I should be the one apologising to him. I'm sleeping in the spare room tonight and will look into a formal separation in the morning.

And what are you going to do about OM?

I'm not sure. I'm not going to run to him if that's what you're thinking. I just need to focus on myself and DD for a while.
It's going to be a while before DH and I can sort out the practicalities of separating so that's going to be the priority for a while. I'll leave it up to him as to whether OM still visits at the end of the month.

I hope it all goes well OP. We only get one life so if you’re unhappy you need to do something. The fantasies about the other man seem to be a symptom of your unhappiness rather than you actually wanting to cheat

Coming back to this thread - I spoke to DH to try to sort things out last night. I explained that I needed more support, and that I just want to feel appreciated. I've lost my identity - now I'm just DD's mum and DH's wife. He seemed to listen and I thought maybe we'd have a breakthrough, but as soon as I went to hug him in bed he immediately went for sex. I feel like he just sees me as a maid, cook, nanny and a set of holes. He says he loves and appreciates me but the actions aren't there.

I contacted OM. I asked for his advice (he'd always been good at that) and although he couldn't tell me what to do, he listened and was sympathetic and supportive. I'm not sure what I was trying to achieve but I do feel better for having talked through some of the issues with someone IRL. He helped me see some things from DH's point of view.

Still, all this doesnt change the fact that I feel like I'm in love with the wrong man.

Get where your coming from. Sometimes you meet someone, and they are the male version of you. It's crazy. But you got to just think about how you would feel if it was reversed.