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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to explain weight loss to DP who is slim

56 replies

PixiKitKat · 16/06/2019 19:41

How can I explain to my DP that losing weight isn't easy to my DP who is slim? He has never been fat or overweight in his life. I don't think he understands how difficult it can be to lose weight.
I'm not massively overweight, I need to lose about 3 stone though.
He knows I want to lose weight but he comments when I make bad food choices, says my portions are too big etc
I honestly don't eat that badly, I've done healthy diet and gym before and it's a slow process for me to lose weight.
I just don't think he understands as he is trying to help but his negative comments just make me feel like a failure :(

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 16/06/2019 21:33

I totally want to know why NO Tomatoes

PixiKitKat · 16/06/2019 21:38

@OrdinarySnowflake

I've never suggested it's easy to maintain while slim. I've also not said it'll be easy once I'm at target, I assume it will be even harder to maintain at that point.

Also my partner isn't restricted in his deit. It can be gone midnight and he'll make himself a cake as a snack. He regularly eats junk food, puts more of it in the trolley than I do! He's just got lucky with his genes that he can stay slim while eating what he likes. He doesn't have to have willpower to refrain from bad food as it doesn't affect him.

OP posts:
Sandybval · 16/06/2019 21:51

I used to struggle with my weight, all through school and up until I was around 25 I was quite a few stone overweight. I tried every diet going but could never stick to one, and me and my DP had a similar conversation as he wondered why I struggled so he could be supportive. I was quite dismissive as he can eat what he wants and not put on weight; but he said I just eat when I'm hungry, but eat what I want. Such a simple concept and I thought it was ridiculous, but yes he is being massively unhelpful and insensitive, but maybe check out HDE if you want to try it.

Sandybval · 16/06/2019 21:52

Once I could distinguish what I thought was hunger from actual hunger, and recognise when I was full it was an easy game changer, and this is how he has always eaten.

Knitclubchatter · 16/06/2019 21:58

OP you’re at the weight you are because your portion sizes are too big and some of what you eat is a bad choice for you.
Although you don’t like hearing it, it is 100% the cause.
If you really want to loose weight, cut back,weigh your food, add up the calories and divide your intake accordingly.

nomushrooms · 16/06/2019 22:00

I have struggled with my weight since puberty; only at 30 was I diagnosed with PCOS and advised that things like Slimming World do me more harm than good as they’re very high carb. Once I found what worked for me (low carb) the weight melted off AND I was eating the most enormously huge portions of stuff like bacon and eggs.

All bodies are slightly different in how they process food.

HappyGirlNow · 16/06/2019 22:02

Sorry, I think if you need to lose 3st then you are very (massively?) overweight.

However, I do have sympathy, I’ve been trying to lose a stone for years, it’s psychologically difficult but not biologically, eat les calories than you burn off etc etc..

NoSquirrels · 16/06/2019 22:13

It's hard to be constantly supportive to someone who isn't helping themselves and then complains about the situation they're in. It's just tiring.

This. Also, just because your FP cooks, he doesn’t need to be in charge of portions - you choose how much you eat.

I think maybe you’re underestimating how frequently/infrequently you make a less-than-great choice - it IS hard to lose weight, no arguments there, but if it’s a goal of yours do commit to it, be wary of making too many excuses.

You say you keep talking about going back to the gym but haven’t managed it - perhaps there is some frustration on his part so better to agree never to discuss weight loss etc at all?

Yellowshirt · 16/06/2019 23:00

My stbx always struggled with her weight. But I would support her if she started a diet but also not make any bad comments regarding her weight as I think she would of probably given me the slap I would deserve if I said anything regarding such tough subject.
I was attracted to her and her weight was never a problem for me. I actually regret not telling her more that I loved her and not making her feel special.

MMmomDD · 16/06/2019 23:55

@PixiKitKat

Thing is - if you say you have about 20kg of extra weight, than you don’t eat a healthy and balanced diet. And it’s quite possible that most of your portions are too big, not just your breakfast.
People tend to think they eat a lot less than they actually do.
And many people complain about not losing weight, while barely eating - are not seeing the real situation clearly.
That above is a comment for you.

As to you bf - weight loss is a personal thing, and one can’t be pushed. So - negative comments absolutely do not help.

RedPink · 17/06/2019 01:13

^ It's hard to be constantly supportive to someone who isn't helping themselves and then complains about the situation they're in. It's just tiring.

I agree with this too. I know a lot of people who do this. I get that losing weight is difficult but it's hard not to do an invisible eye roll when someone is complaining about how hard it is to diet and how difficult it is being overweight when they are continually overeating.

It's boring and tedious losing weight and it requires a lot of self discipline but it is not complicated. You just need to eat less calories.

I'm a huge fan of MyFitnessPlan. If I need to diet I eat about 1300 calories a day and I slowly but steadily lose weight.

People always talk about dieting in a very negative way but I always think it's the one thing that you can do for yourself that will make you feel good about your health and, usually, your looks. It's free and you have total power over it. It's feels good to lose weight. It cheers me up and makes me proud of myself.

OhCheesus · 17/06/2019 01:32

Both of you read this article op www.nytimes.com/2016/05/02/health/biggest-loser-weight-loss.html

It's an article looking at how contestants on The Biggest Loser all struggled to maintain their new weight and why. It is fascinating and was eye opening to me.

On one ex contestant the article says - 'she struggles mightily to keep the pounds off because her metabolism burns 552 fewer calories a day than would be expected for someone her size.'

I mean, WHAT. If you lose weight your body will fight to gain it back.

'Most people who have tried to lose weight know how hard it is to keep the weight off, but many blame themselves when the pounds come back. But what obesity research has consistently shown is that dieters are at the mercy of their own bodies, which muster hormones and an altered metabolic rate to pull them back to their old weights, whether that is hundreds of pounds more or that extra 10 or 15 that many people are trying to keep off. There is always a weight a person’s body maintains without any effort. And while it is not known why that weight can change over the years — it may be an effect of aging — at any point, there is a weight that is easy to maintain, and that is the weight the body fights to defend.'

Anyway, it goes on.

OhCheesus · 17/06/2019 01:32

There were paragraphs when I posted that

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 17/06/2019 01:37

"He knows I want to lose weight but he comments when I make bad food choices, says my portions are too big etc"

I say this stuff to my husband. For three years, he's been trying to lose weight, he complains about not feeling attractive to me, he talks about how ugly he feels. He avoids friends because he feels they'll judge him. He has high blood pressure and I worry about his health.

So what should I do? pretend that eating pizza and having twice as much food as me is fine?

At this point, I feel like it's psychological and he actually doesn't want to lose weight and he should go to a counsellor or something because I'm sick of hearing about it and sick of worrying about his health.

RantyAnty · 17/06/2019 01:38

Men tend to be a bit luckier in that they are usually taller and carry more muscle but if they overeat and don't move much, they'll get fat too.

I don't think the portion and eating crap is harsh unless he said it in a mean way. Are you hurt because deep down you know he's right?

It really doesn't have to be complicated with a special diet or gym. It has to be something you do every day like brushing your teeth. You don't just stop brushing your teeth when you move house, something stressful happens, etc. You just do it.

It is very easy to eat way more calories and not realise it. Drinks, sauces, etc, can add a lot.

Try cutting your portions in half and only drink plain water for a couple weeks. No alcohol and a cup of tea or coffee a day. No snacking between meals. Just do it as experiment and see what happens.

For exercise, youtube has heaps of exercise videos for free. Find one on there you can do for 20 - 30 minutes and do it daily. Leslie Sansone is easy but gets the blood pumping. No gym or equipment needed.

Try it for a couple of weeks and see what happens.

BuildBuildings · 17/06/2019 01:59

OP isn't asking for weight loss advice guys... They are asking about explaining weight loss to a partner who has never had weight issues.

BuildBuildings · 17/06/2019 02:02

Perhaps op's partner isn't the only one who struggles with simple concepts.

RiversDisguise · 17/06/2019 02:08

Your DH is right though, OP. It's not his genes or his good luck. He eats the right amount of food for his height.

Myfitnesspal, online TDEE calculator, a support forum like www.reddit.com/r/loseit/ ... you really can do this and it's simple tbh, but you have to get your head around the science of it first

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 17/06/2019 02:09

This reply has been deleted

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Knitclubchatter · 17/06/2019 02:14

cheesus....that article from 2016 is misleading and not substantiated by scholarly articles.

NT53NJT · 17/06/2019 02:22

Some of these comments 😂 bloody hell

Graphista · 17/06/2019 03:55

I notice a lot of pps completely missing the point and actually doing the same as OP's dp.

"Perhaps op's partner isn't the only one who struggles with simple concepts." Clearly!

I'm sorry but if you've never been overweight and you're not a medical professional with expertise in this area that's pretty out of order! And even then it's a stretch as that's not what op asked

"Interesting that you can be "naturally slim" and find it hard to gain weight but apparently people can't have the opposite problem🤔🤔🤔" isn't it just?

I've been very slim despite efforts not to be and then overweight, and then lost most of that weight.

Really he just needs to not be a twat because even before I was overweight myself I "got it" on a cognitive level.

Graphista · 17/06/2019 03:56

Aside from that you could explain to him:

Your body will likely need more calories and nutrients to function than his BECAUSE its larger, just for normal things like respiration, cognitive function etc If you were to suddenly eat the amount he does you'd become ill.

The body's natural instinct is to encourage maintenance of the current body - it's functioning in a short term survival level so "if it ain't broke don't fix it"

So when we reduce calorie intake significantly from what it was, the body reacts by providing hunger cues. One of those cues is low blood sugar which can make you feel really rough (nauseous, dizzy, sweaty, headaches) and we all know there's a very quick easy fix - eat or drink sugar!

Numerous studies show that slow, steady weight loss is most successful, no more than 2-4lb per week

And all that is BEFORE you get into the psychological stuff

As soon as something becomes verboten it's all you can think about, the most successful weight loss plans don't ban any food but instead encourage realistic resetting of habits to "everything in moderation" with occasional higher cal foods and drinks built in, not only true of "addictions" eg when on a high bridge and someone says "don't look down" what's the thing you become obsessed with doing? Does he have something he can't quit easily? Smoking? Gym? Phone? X box? Ask him what would be going through his mind constantly if he had to give that up or majorly reduce his time spent on it?

Slow, steady weight loss is just that - slow! 2lb one week 3lb the next...barely noticeable short term so it's very easy to get frustrated and feel like you're putting a lot of effort in for little gain and lose motivation - again has he had to do anything over a long period of time where the goal was a long way off and hard to visualise?

Habits and lifestyle restrictions can also be factors. Shift workers find it very hard to lose weight because their circadian rhythms are all over the place! People who don't get decently timed breaks, especially in roles requiring physical activity often end up with very low blood sugar and resulting symptoms and are often restricted in what foods and facilities they can access at work. So bad habits are easily formed. It takes iirc 90 days of practising a habit every day for it to become a new ingrained habit. It's hard to create a new habit in the context of a constantly fluctuating routine

Especially important for your dp to learn/take on board properly is that many bad habits/diet patterns are emotionally driven and set in early childhood. Either a high cal food is a reward that you've earned ("good girl you ate all your dinner you can have pudding" "well done for passing that test, treat yourself to an ice cream") or something that was denied to you (so having it is an act of defiance) or simply wasn't available (poverty), in more extreme examples abuse victims can over or under eat to ensure they're unattractive and therefore no longer subjected to abuse, or even to punish themselves.

It can be symbolic of love (very true in my cultural background - Catholic - where all mammy's press guests to accept food & drink far beyond what's needed as a way of trying to make people feel welcomed and cared for, true in many other cultures too).

It's also pleasurable and certain foods & drinks actually create chemical reactions in the body that mimic how we feel when we feel loved.

There's also the associations with happy memories - popcorn at the cinema, candy floss at the fair, hot chocolate on bonfire night...also associating certain items with certain much loved people. Hundreds of threads on mn about the foods & drinks mners remember eating & drinking as children and how much they miss them - very few of the answers on these threads are "broccoli"!!

Graphista · 17/06/2019 03:56

There are also numerous studies that show that fat shaming (which is what your dp is doing) doesn't actually work. It makes overweight people less motivated to lose weight, more likely to turn to "comfort food", it causes stress which can mess up metabolic processes, trigger eating out of defiance or because they feel their efforts aren't being acknowledged, can even lead to eating disorders. So while he may think he's "helping" he's really not!

There's also a difference between men and women for many physiological and biological reasons which mean men can generally get away with eating more cals than women without gaining weight. Plus there are genetic differences.

My family seems to have a weird thing where we're all really slim to the point of struggling to keep up a healthy weight...except the women after they've given birth where even if they don't gain lots in pregnancy they start to really gain within 5 years of the first birth. So we switch from having had years of trying to gain/maintain a minimum healthy weight to having to deal with the opposite!

What he should be doing is focusing on when you make good choices, helping you to do that in a supportive way (you rightly say as he's cooking he's heavily influencing the portion size. It also matters what he's making because obviously some dishes are more calorie dense than others), offering to go to the gym with you (everybody needs to stay fit) or go walks or cycling with you, distracting you at times and in situations you may be tempted to go "fuck it", helping you build new healthier habits with positive reinforcement not knocking you down.

Also while he may not be overweight that doesn't actually mean he can eat what he likes. Has he heard of TOFI? Thin outside fat inside? Just because he's slim doesn't mean he's healthy. If he's eating high fat, high sugar foods regularly he's still increasing his unhealthy cholesterol levels, risk of insulin resistance and therefore risk of all those conditions traditionally associated with obesity - stroke, heart attack, diabetes, gall bladder disease...

RiversDisguise · 17/06/2019 04:11

Her DH is not fat shaming, though, is he? He's not saying, "Oy blubbermountain, drop the pasty." He's offering decent pointers as to where the OP could be unwittingly slipping up.

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