When it goes sour

[barbiedreamhouse]

Been with dp 7 years. In the beginning (like most relationships) it was bliss. 7 years later, 2 kids, debts,house problems, money worries and anxiety and depression mixed in and I think our relationship is coming to the end. Things have got pretty spiteful with both of us, when we argue we say horrendous stuff to each other that is extremely hurtful but it's meant to shock and hurt. He works full time and I'm a sahp. A couple of times a week he sees his friends or goes to the gym while I'm at home with the kids doing it 24/7. I don't have any qualifications, have zero self esteem. No hobbies, no friends near by, my parents live close but I try to avoid them so they don't suspect what's going on with me and dp. I've just got home from food shopping and he's gone to see his friends. Leaving me to sort the kids out and do housework washing ect I'm so overwhelmed I'm sitting here crying and so angry with him. It's Father's Day for gods sake! I feel like texting him and telling him it's over and to move out but am I just being feeling like this because I'm mad?

I'm so sad and and angry with him all the time that I can't even tell if I love him anymore.

It feels like we split up a while ago but he has no where to live so lives here. We have sex occasionally. He goes out after he's put the kids to bed or comes home to put them to bed if he's out. There's no I love you's. No kisses or cuddles. We sit at different ends of the sofa. I sleep at the foot of the bed. There's no play fighting. No flirting. No intimacy at all apart from when we have sex. No touches nothing. It's like WE stopped being together ages ago but the kids/house/debt are keeping us living together.

Actually seeing this written down I already know it's over 😭

I can't talk to anyone about this because I'm so embarrassed. I thought be be Inlove forever but the pressure of life has got the better of us. I feel like I'm about to explode keeping this in and pretending everything's fine to the outside world.

Hugs.
You don’t have to pretend. You need to sit him down and have a good chat.
But more importantly, you need to start lookig after yourself.

3 night a week he’s in charge of dinner.
At the weekend he does the washing/bedtimes, whatever.

And you get to go swimming, or for a run. You go on a Saturday into town on your own to have your hair done, or your eyebrows threaded. Or join a book club, once a month you get to go out and talk about a book and other nonsense.

Basically, he is looking after himself, you’re not.
Take a file from his book.

Sometimes it's time to call it a day.

Sometimes if you both want to rekindle the relationship talking about it or couples counselling can help to move forward.

Sounds like you've both just accepted it the way it is and you're just existing together but it's not much of an existence.

What do you want to happen? Nothing sounds like it's going to change.

Maybe just agree to raise the kids together, maybe you can carve some kind of life for yourself, hobbies, friends. Do you go out? If he does then so should you?

Ask yourself what you want?

I know money is tight and he is the sole earner, but you know what? You’re contributing more than your fair share.
You’re entitled to a hobby, to spending money grabbing a coffee with friends.
Join meet up, plenty of opportunities there!

Thank you all for your words. I don't think there's anything to try and re kindle. He's said so many times in arguments "I don't know why I'm even with you anymore"

I'm depressed have been for a while. I'm not the most fun to be around I know that, but he's stopped trying to cheer me up and get me out of being in a mood. I'd say thinks have gone downhill in the last 12-18 months. We was hit with huge debt and it's put so much pressure on our relationship. I think he secretly resents me for not working and it all falling on him and I get that but he knows we can't afford childcare so there's no other choice but for me to be at home until jan that's when dc starts nursery.

The rows have got so bad. It's like a completion now who can say the most hurtful thing 😢

I'm just so so sad right now. I can't remember the last time I felt happy and smiled.

I'm sorry to hear that. Have you sat down and spoken to each other properly about how you feel and tried to listen to each other without arguing (hard I know)

Life sucks sometimes but hopefully it won't always be like this. Young kids, no money and debts are hard.

I'm not sure what to say. Maybe agreeing not to argue, maybe agreeing on who does what and when so there is less arguing and everyone knows where they stand. Maybe a long term plan to separate if that's what you both want, talking about it may help / help realise things.

You are working, you are looking after two young children 24/7 and I bet you are doing most of the housework and wifework as well.

Are you seeing the doctor about your depression ? Lots of women who are in an unhappy relationship find that their depression gets a lot better when they leave. Not overnight obviously but gradually over weeks and months.

Just sayin

Have you had debt advice? Would selling the house clear the debt?

Suggest investigating the financial and housing implications for you personally of breaking up, and planning accordingly.

Given the relationship problems it may well be sensible for you to return to WoH asap, even if that means earning less as a household (ie impacting on his work/earnings).

@MrMagooooo we've tried to talk but it just ends up in raised voices and shouting over one another.
It hurts me to think about splitting up for good. We've had 2 beautiful babies together and we were in such bliss now it just feels like he's only here for the kids. I think if I told him it was over he wouldn't put up a fight at all I think he'd feel quite relieved that it's me ending it with him and not the other way around.

I think I've done this though. I think my depression pushed him to get close with his friends again. He didn't have much of a social life for years then all of a sudden it just built up and he sees them to get away from me and the "hostile house" that he calls it.

@Loopytiles we've got in contact with a debt company and are in the process of them helping us ( when dp get rounds to getting his paperwork together) were looking into bankruptcy.

The house is HA property but we've had so many problems here (rats,mice, bedbugs ect and no treatment seems to be working) the house is old and we've had to plaster and decorate throughout to get it into a lovable state)

I have no qualifications so any job I get will just be cleaning ect and the pay wouldn't even pay for child care. I'd love to have a job but it doesn't seem possible until jan.

Is he only there for the kids though? My ex used to say that to me, but he was never actually 'there' for them. He resented being a family/family time and would go out to avoid us and fully believes that he was entitled to his escape (what he used to call 'having a break') which he really didn't need as he was living the life of a single man anyway. Turned out that he had it way too easy living in my home with me 100% everything for him, so of course, he had no reason to change things. I kicked him out and the cloud lifted.

Doing 100%* that should read

Sounds like a complete breakdown of the relationship. Some things run their course. Maybe both of you would be happier apart and if he is a good dad it would mean you at least get a break. You both might be happier apart / you might get back together later.

There seems like a lot of resentment and anger there, which I think a trained professional could only sort out but that costs. You might be able to find some free service (if you both wanted to)

In the meantime you can't live like this and you should be honest with each other about the future. Sounds like a toxic environment that isn't good for anyone.

Be nice to each other, you need to have s break and see friends and do hobbies too. You might be happier too that way. You don't have to be together to be happy in the same house, but you have to work together to make it s livable place for the two of you.

You might need to face facts and find out what help you can get (government) / support from him if left. It's probably sounds daunting but living in a better environment will be a weight of your shoulders.

@Sagradafamiliar he's never said to me that he's only here for the kids. He's told me that he loves me and wants things to get better, but that was about 6 months ago. I think he probably is though even if he doesn't admit it. I honestly don't know where he's live if he wasn't here. He's credit score is shit and he's debts are extremely high so I don't think he'd be able to privately rent. He's parent live miles away and needs to be close to pick up his mate for work. This is his average day.

6 am leave for work.
5-7pm get home from work.
Has dinner (sometimes, depends if he's eaten already.
Puts dc2 to bed then goes to the gym or sees mates.
Home for 9:30
Falls asleep on sofa until he goes to bed.

Saturdays.
Goes to the gym 9am. Probably see his mates afterwards for a coffee then home for 12-1pm.
Has the kids while i go shopping.
Chill out on the sofa, sleep, snooze
Puts kids to bed.
I go to bed at 10pm. He plays the PlayStation until 2-3 am.
Sunday. Lies in TIL 9-10am
Then relaxes all day then decides he's going to go see the boys.

No date nights or alone time for us. It's like he tries to avoid me.

What do you get to do?

I texted him an hour ago saying we needed to have a proper serious talk away from home and the kids and suggested meeting him when the kids were asleep (sister said she'll babysit) he's been online but ignored and hasn't read my message. This breaks my heart, if I'd of sent that to him a year ago he'd be back home in a panic 😢 he doesn't even care anymore and that just makes me so sad.

@MrMagooooo nothing. I don't do anything, I know that that is my fault because I should be more motivated and go out but I've just got to the point where I've given up on myself. My appearance, my well-being, my health everything. I've been saying for 4 months that I'm going to start swimming and I still haven't got there. He's told me constantly to go and that he has no problem with me going out and doing stuff for myself he encourages it. But I've just got so low that I'm just doing the basics lately. I hate myself. I hate that I've done this to us.

Not necessarily.
He might be taking a break from it, another one I might add....

I'm hearing you loud and clear. Your headspace is what's getting things down..

Maybe you need to see your GP about your depression. Although he needs to support you, it's not his job to make you feel better. You have to try and help yourself somehow. A GP visit is a start.

I know what it's like to have no motivation but that is just dragging you down day by day. You need to look after yourself too.

Swimming / excercise will make you feel better.

I think, maybe ask for his help. Help in you getting out of the door. A Drs appt to start with, then counselling. A health and fitness related thing. And a self help trajectory of your own perhaps?? I do think there are times in life we have to be serious and actually try and for you this could be one. Take your feelings seriously. Your situation is not easy, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

As regards work, you can do more than be a cleaner. There are loads of min pay jobs out there. I do work with vulnerable people and it pays rock bottom really but its solid work. Just choose your industry carefully, as in something that genuinely interests you and start at the bottom.

You can sort this xxxx

He sounds awful.

Dont hurt yr self esteem by having sex with him.
You have the right to end it even if it's not convenient for him.

He’s being a shit. He made the decision to have kids/a family yet still wants to be with his mates all the time like he’s a single guy. He’s bang out of order.

MrMagooooo

Maybe you need to see your GP about your depression. Although he needs to support you, it's not his job to make you feel better

I couldn’t actually believed what I’d read until I saw your username and realised you’re a man.

It IS his job to parent his kids which he CHOSE to have!!

I’d be fucking depressed if I was OP! Her response is perfectly rational, she’s not “mentally ill” for being unhappy with her useless husband.