When it goes sour

[barbiedreamhouse]

Been with dp 7 years. In the beginning (like most relationships) it was bliss. 7 years later, 2 kids, debts,house problems, money worries and anxiety and depression mixed in and I think our relationship is coming to the end. Things have got pretty spiteful with both of us, when we argue we say horrendous stuff to each other that is extremely hurtful but it's meant to shock and hurt. He works full time and I'm a sahp. A couple of times a week he sees his friends or goes to the gym while I'm at home with the kids doing it 24/7. I don't have any qualifications, have zero self esteem. No hobbies, no friends near by, my parents live close but I try to avoid them so they don't suspect what's going on with me and dp. I've just got home from food shopping and he's gone to see his friends. Leaving me to sort the kids out and do housework washing ect I'm so overwhelmed I'm sitting here crying and so angry with him. It's Father's Day for gods sake! I feel like texting him and telling him it's over and to move out but am I just being feeling like this because I'm mad?

I know it's not his job to make me feel better, but a year ago if I told him I was feeling down he'd wrap his arms around me and make me feel secure. He would make a joke and make me laugh ect. When I told him this a little while ago he walked away from me, no hug no reassurance nothing. He's turned into a different person and isn't at all the soft, caring and good natured man I fell Inlove with. He's given up on me for sure.

@Hithere12 I don't see what's wrong with what I said.

Of course it's his job too. I am talking about the OPs mental health. She has admitted to depression and anxiety. Her husband has said she should go swimming or do something and I've already said the OP should set out some kind of plan as to who is doing what and when so she can have a break and do things too.

Maybe being overworked has led to her depression, I don't know that but the relationship has broken down for lots of reasons other than childcare.

I find it offensive / revealing that you jump on me for being a man, no bloody need to mention that fact at all. Why couldn't I just be wrong (if I was) whether a man or woman.

I don't know the state of your mood OP. It must be feel really horrible for your partner not to care. Have you had a low mood for a long time, have you needed lots of support and reassurance from him. It can be tiring for the other person too to have to provide emotional support too.

I think you need to work on making yourself better. Concentrate on you, try to get out and do things ask your husband to look after the kids, get out of the house, read a book in a pub or coffee shop etc

If you can't talk to him without it turning bad, then I think you should give up on this relationship. The love seems to have gone. What you can do is try to make your current situation better somehow. Whether you can move out or just treat the relationship as a business of raising kids and being nice to each other.

Remember. Your kids will pick up on the atmosphere as they get older and this is the most influential relationship dynamic they will see.

Remember. Your kids will pick up on the atmosphere as they get older and this is the most influential relationship dynamic they will see

Again you are putting blame on the OP. How is it her fault her husband is behaving like a single man with his mates all the time? Having kids is a huge responsibility and he shouldn’t have had kids if he was going to do absolutely nothing towards child care.

OP you need to put your foot down. Tell him if things don’t change you’re leaving. You’re basically a single parent as it is. Good luck

@Hithere12 How the hell am I putting blame on the OP. I am saying the kids will pick up on the atmosphere for gods sake.

Hi you're being harsh on PP, who is advising based on what has already been mentioned.
They didn't say it was OP's fault the DH is behaving like a single man, but he is. The children are picking up on it, if they aren't already. The weekends aren't quality family time, so they're already used to playing second fiddle to their dad's hobbies and social life.

Will pick up on it*

Thanks everyone for the responses. He's home now,walked right by the kitchen where I was at at went straight into the living room where dc is and hasn't come back out 😔 hasn't even read my WhatsApp.

My moods very low. Most days I can't even be bothered to talk and have to force myself to engage with the kids. I can't wait for the days to be over so I can just go to bed so I can sleep without all this going round in my head.

I'm going to try and go to swimming this week but I don't hold out much hope because the get up and go isn't there 😬 washing up feels like marathon these days. I need a person mr motivator to come live with for a a year I think lol

Personal

You need some help OP. I'm not a massive fan of anti depressants but that may help. We all struggle from time to time but when it is having a massive impact you need help.

Try with the running or going for a brisk walk. Try and get out. Start small, even if it's once a week to start with.

Is it worth trying to talk to him? Using non combative language?

I know it wouldn't have worked with my exh because I tried so I am aware it's not always that simple, but I wonder if approaching it with a "I don't think the way we are communicating is particularly helpful to either of us at the moment - it's not making either of us happy. I wonder if we could sit down and talk about it?" or similar at a time when neither of you are angry and then see what happens?

My exh wouldn't have gone for this because I tried similar but it was all control with him and he had a vested interest in the 'miscommunication' continuing. But a lot of people just find themselves in a habit that they can't break. Or worry about how their partner will react if they try to break it.

These sorts of situations are often chicken and egg - you say things were fine until the stress of a debt hit and just the reality of life. He probably feels resentful/stressed that the only money coming in is down to him and you feel resentful that you're stuck at home all day with the children (which, let's be fair, is a pretty dull and thankless task at times). The resentment towards the other has built up for both of you.

It's not much fun being around someone with a very low mood and it's not much fun feeling abandoned and taken for granted either.

I agree that your mental health is yours to take responsibility for. If you think there is still something to save, go to the GP and use that as your opening gambit when approaching him to talk.

It's not about accepting responsibility/blame for the situation, but taking some ownership of some of it and trying to move forward gives you a bit of control and there might be an impetus to resolve and improve things. And, if it doesn't work, your mental health will be better for when you move on.