Best friends secretary always rude to me.

[Toddlerteaplease]

We've been friends for years. He was promoted and moved to another city about 5 years ago. He inherited a secretary who has been in the role since the 1950's. I've always been nice to her. But recently shoes stated being really rude to me when I go to visit. Bother their offices are in his home so she makes me feel very unwelcome. It was his birthday the other day and he invited me to something he does each week. And she was complaining to him about me being there.
He usually will stick up for me, and he did but it really spoiled the day. They are friends but as his secretary I think she's massively overstepping the boundaries. How do I deal with it, without being petty.

You said your much younger than her. How old is he? Perhaps she thinks you're fwb and it's inappropriate given the age gap / job role.

Also how often are you round? If you're going in and she's having to rearrange work stuff etc I can see it being annoying. Also if she's having to run around after you - surely it isn't the 90 yo secretary's job to answer the door too??

It's not at all a one sided friendship at all. Hopefully she'll retire soon.

I don't go up that often and I definitely come second to the job and work commitments are not affected and that s hoe it should be. That must always come first. She does answer the door as her office is next to it. There is definitely nothing going on!

I don't expect her to run around after me. I make my own cups of tea and offer her one too.

Enquire after her health. Keep telling her she looks unwell and that you are concerned. Shower her with faux care

Good idea!

I wouldn't. She's 80 years old. You said this has only been a recent thing. Somethings changed. Maybe there is a a reason she is acting like she is.

When I say 'kill ' her with kindness I don't mean it literally but every time you have contact with her just be so so sweet. She will hate it

She’s not ‘working him too hard’ — he’s the boss! Ignore her. She’s just staff.

Yeh'd I"d ignore it. Say ''can I have a cup of tea please''. But just contact him on his mobile. Are you popping in to his office all the time?

Priest and housekeeper?

Just be ever so sweet to her. I presume she's not actually stopping you going into the house? Make peace with the idea that she doesn't have to like you and her opinion on you doesn't matter.

You offer her a cup of tea? I can see why she may be pissed off with you - it's her domain and it's for her to offer you tea, not you her.

Know your place kind of thing. Perhaps she finds it challenging that you seem to have your feet under the table when she's been running the show for ever. Doesn't take kindly to a whippersnapper usurping her role.

Maybe that is what is wrong. You're supposed to wait for her to offer you copious amounts of tea, cake, and sandwiches to which you say no; and then she says go on, go on, go on, and then you accept.

I like drinking out of a pint mug. Good job she's not clocked that the huge mug in the cupboard is actually mine!

I'd let it go tbh. She obvs doesn't like you swanning in like you belong there. She feels she belongs there more than you, and I can see why. I'd carry on ignoring...

@RubberTreePlant also has shades of Rutshire!

You are obviously there an awful lot if you have your own mug in the cupboard! I am beginning to see that she might feel a bit fed up with your constant social visits.

I'm there probably once a month on average. Usually at weekends when she's not around. So she doesn't see me that often. I think I'll just have to ignore her as I'm not going anywhere! Feel better for having a rant though.

He needs friends around him. As he has little support up there.

My visits are always pre arranged. I would never turn up unannounced.

@RantyAnty 😂 exactly what I was picturing!

Honestly, the dynamic you're describing sounds a bit like a dominating mother and a girlfriend fighting over who takes better care of some guy... Priests (male ones) have a weird effect on some women, who seem to have an urge to 'look after' them. I have never once seen this with a female priest.

Is it not more likely that she's annoyed that you turn up often and mess up the schedules she's made because he doesn't give her any idea of what's going on? I can't see why she'd be jealous from what you've said.

She's elderly, still working and presumably trying to keep your friend on track. It would be frustrating for anyone to have someone keep messing up the schedules; and it probably means she has to keep rearranging things and recreating schedules. Again this is more his fault than yours, but if you've now decided that she must be jealous and the atmosphere is hostile, you're probably both rather unhappy.

If I'm honest, I'd consider whether he's really putting an equal amount of effort in here before I asked him to talk to her, because from what you've said, this has become rather one-sided in terms of effort (not necessarily friendship) and that may be feeding into this weird fighting-over-him dynamic that's been created.

If he is, try rolling back that dynamic and the atmosphere first, turn up smiley and talkative, don't expect a response, be very friendly and see if you can win her over with kindness for his sake. If that doesn't work, he can talk to her - you can't - and see what the issue is.

I think you are both right. Although I never mess up his schedule. I fit round it. As The job has to come first and thats how it's been ever since I've known him. I'll just carry on being nice to her and just ignore any comments.

Why is everyone saying she should have retired by now? What if she enjoys the job and wants to stay active?

And @Dippypippy1980 can you explain why working in the same job for 65 years (presumably one she enjoys and fits in with her life) makes her a 'poor woman'?

Utterly bizarre responses.