Has anyone’s DP successfully managed to curb their drinking?

[Comps83]

Please . I don’t want any posts that I should leave him as that really isn’t an option right now. I need advice from people who have managed to get their DP to lower their alcohol intake or whose DP has managed it on their own
DH drinks at least a bottle of wine a night (work nights, much much more on a wkend)
He doesn’t see any problem with this and if I question it he says it’s just because I have ‘mammy’ issues (as my mother was/is an alcoholic who I went NC with last year)
He doesn’t get violent or abusive like she does though but will just quietly drink himself into oblivion regularly (so this makes him think it’s fine)

I’m 3 months pregnant and he said at the start that he would stop but it lasted 2 days

He has a good job. Educational management . One he could easily lose if he gets caught drink driving/a parent sees him barely able to walk on a staff night out/ he rolls in stinking of booze

It needs to stop. I won’t tolerate this when dc arrives and I WILL leave him if it carries on

I think he needs a big shock . He was brought home by the police a few months back and I wish they had arrested him as I think this would have given him the kick up the arse he needs

So anyway I came downstairs this morning to find he had polished off 3 bottles of wine + cider. He got out his pit while I was writing this and I admit I lost it with him to which I got the usual response of how it isn’t a problem and why am I making an issue out of it and ruining the day.

Anyone come out the other end of this?

Tbf he has calmed down a bit in the last few years. For example I got him to see that that being pissed at 9am as he’d started drinking at 7am was unacceptable

My DP was drinking a lot, maybe not every night but more than I was comfortable with and when I found out he was lying to hide how much he had been drinking I reached my limit. His dad was an alcoholic and was enabled by his mum until he died in his 50's pretty much due to his unhealthy lifestyle so to me I could see exactly where this was going! We have 2 young dc and I made it very clear that I had no intention of living the same life as his mother and it stopped entirely (we had tried just limiting how much he had but it always crept up over time) or he found somewhere else to live! I also made it clear that I love him and there was nothing I want more than for our relationship to work but my kids were my priority and that's not an environment I'm willing to raise them, if he was willing to get help and stop them I would back him 100%. He went to a local AA meeting which I think was a massive eye opener for him when he realised that 99% of the people there had lost their families due to their drinking! That was 6 months ago and I'm pleased to say that so far things have been great!
I hope you manage to get your DP to see what he's risking!

@Cannyhandleit thanks. The first battle is to make him see that this isn’t normal . Or that’s it’s a problem as he really doesn’t see it as an issue. The issue is me making it into an issue. He reckons most people drink the amounts he does. I know for a fact if I drank 3 bottles of wine in one night I’d be in hospital right now.

Why would he stop? You've already said you won't leave, and he doesn't want to change.

This isn't your fault, and even if you did leave, he probably wouldn't stop - it would be an excuse for him to drink more due to his sadness.

I'd suggest you attend an Al-Anon meeting and practice loving detachment. It's really hard.

I don't know anyone that drinks that much on a daily basis OP. Your DH is a functioning alcoholic. How long has this been going on for? Can he go a day or a week without booze? When was the last time he did that? Why does he drink so much? Does he have friends and colleagues who drink a similar amount, so he thinks this is normal? He's definitely in denial about the amount he drinks.

As to your original question - yes it is possible to give up the drink - as it's possible to give up cigarettes or drugs or anything else - BUT YOU HAVE TO WANT TO DO IT! More than that, you have to want to do it more than you want keep going in your destructive lifestyle.

www.drinkaware.co.uk/advice/worried-about-someone-elses-drinking/

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

@juneau to me it seems he just never grew out of the student phase . I stupidly thought he would . He’s 33 now. He reckons most ppl drink like this . Says stuff like ‘ I bet yours friend so’n’so’s dp drinks this much’
And he can stop because about 5 years ago we both did a dry month that turned into a month and a half
I do wonder if I should just put up and shut up as there is no getting through to him that this isn’t on
And maybe this will stop when dc arrives

My DH did....but I didn't get him to, he did it alone because he realised he was a shell of his former self.

It won't stop when DC arrive....unless he wants it to.

It will only stop when he realises it's a problem and decides to do something about it OP. You can wait - sure - but don't expect a magic switch to flip when you have the baby. Having a baby generally adds stress to a relationship, it most certainly doesn't take it away. And if your DH is used to drinking himself into oblivion every night, then I'm willing to bet that that's what he'll continue to do.

Please do find an Al Anon meeting near you and go along. My friend, who was married to an alcoholic for years, has found support through Al Anon that she hasn't found anywhere else. The people at those meetings will understand exactly what you're living with.

He is drinking a huge amount and is currently a functional alcoholic. I wonder how long before he is a none functional alcoholic. Being brought home by the police was not enough to make him stop and neither is having a baby on the way.

I don’t think he can curb is alcohol as he is a pretty serious alcoholic. Until he realises this he isn’t going to change.

He did grow out of the student phase - that's all socialising and not having any responsibilities. Unfortunately, he grew into the alcoholic stage. He doesn't see the problem because seeing would mean stopping drinking and he's not willing to do that at the moment. You can't rationalise to him, he doesn't want to hear and accept. Until he does (If he ever does) there is nothing you can do. Nothing! This is a pointless battle for you to engage in. And I'm sorry to say you are deluded if you think he'll stop of his own accord when the baby comes. Why would he, when he insists it's normal!?

It'd be much easier to leave now and have a new life in place before the baby comes to be honest. Rather than risk being trapped with a new born and a drunk. Leaving him might give him a wake up call, but I doubt it. His relationship with booze is more important than that with his pregnant wife. It will remain more important than that with his wife and baby.

There are no magic words to help him because he doesn't want help. The only people who can be helped here are you and your baby. I wish you luck.

I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but no, I have never seen someone this far gone make a change.

The 'rock bottom' thing is a myth. The bar just keeps getting lower. Anyway, causing needless upset to loved ones should be all the 'rock bottom' required.

He can turn it around on you all he likes, but the fact is you're uncomfortable with it. Even if you were being unreasonable (you're not), you're a real live person saying that you're hurting. He's hearing that, and he's choosing a beverage over a relationship.

Also recommend al-anon to help you realise that his behaviour is perfectly normal for an alcoholic. And that your circumstances, excuses for his drinking (hasn't outgrown student drinking) and desire to help are no different from all the other wifes and husband's of alcoholics. They have never found the magic words either.

My dh did, after our baby was born he went cold turkey. He went from 6-8 cans a night to nothing, he knew I wouldn’t leave our child alone with him and he hated that thought. I keep waiting on him slipping back to old habits but so far he’s been able to stay off it. It can be done but only if he wants to, good luck.

I don't understand how it's not an option to leave now but it will be once you've had your baby? Regardless, I think you need to be preparing now to go it alone once you've given birth. You can't get him to address his drinking problem if he doesn't want to acknowledge he has a drinking problem. Needing someone to point out to him that it's not normal to be drunk by 9am isn't a promising indicator for the future.

At least you said you will leave if it carries on. He has to stop himself. No matter how much you bang on at him, unless he decides it's enough he won't stop.

If you can't get him to see that the amount he drinks is to much try to get him to see the health risks. I think most of us just think of our livers but it can lead to all kinds of cancers.

Watch the Adrian Child's doc on iplayer there are 2 now, start with the first one. Drinkers like me.

There is no point going on about it to him. He won't listen until he is forced to and that's when you kick him out or leave. You might not want to leave him but you should make it clear you will if he carries on.

Hi Comps

I need advice from people who have managed to get their DP to lower their alcohol intake or whose DP has managed it on their own

Please believe me when I tell you that no-one is able to to make an alcoholic lower their alcohol intake. And I do not know of any alcoholics who have managed it on their own-they have only managed it through Alcoholics Anonymous or some other form of Recovery Programme.

DH drinks at least a bottle of wine a night (work nights, much much more on a wkend)

That's the visible alcohol that you know about. This will not include the spirits that will be hidden from your view......

He doesn’t see any problem with this and if I question it he says it’s just because I have ‘mammy’ issues (as my mother was/is an alcoholic who I went NC with last year)

This is the denial speaking. Only when HE recognises that he needs help and has a desire to want to stop drinking will there be any hope for recovery.
Sadly, alcoholism runs in families and if you were brought up by it you tend to end up in a relationship with one.....

He doesn’t get violent or abusive like she does though but will just quietly drink himself into oblivion regularly (so this makes him think it’s fine)

Re-read the above - regularly drinking into oblivion is not normal. This is alcoholism

I’m 3 months pregnant and he said at the start that he would stop but it lasted 2 days

That's because the withdrawal symptoms were so overwhelming that he had to drink again - drinking gets rid of that agony. This is classic addiction.

It needs to stop. I won’t tolerate this when dc arrives and I WILL leave him if it carries on

No you won't, well certainly not yet; you will accept promises, you will trust he won't do it again - until the next time. You will hope and pray that the imminent birth of your child will make him see sense. It won't. Your H doesn't give a shit about anything other than where the next drink is coming from

I think he needs a big shock . He was brought home by the police a few months back and I wish they had arrested him as I think this would have given him the kick up the arse he needs

A night in the cells may have made him think about it because he would've woken up sober and in a cell. As it was, the police brought him back home. He will have been in blackout so will not remember this.

I have been in your shoes. I was married to an alcoholic with a baby on the way. The drinking spiralled out of control once our DD arrived - because it was 1 more responsibility that he could not handle.

My mum wasn't an alcoholic (never knew my dad) so wasn't brought up with it, but I've since discovered that her father was (didn't know him either). You have some prior understanding of alcoholic behaviour from your mums behaviour.

Your H has to hit his rock bottom before he realises that help is available. It has to come from him.

You need to hit your rock bottom too - there is help available for you too when you are ready to receive it. Al-Anon Family Groups offers support to anyone affected by someone else's drinking
(al-anonuk.org.uk 0207 403 0888 10am-10pm 7 days a week).

Happy for you to pm me.

Oh dear. Your H is an alcoholic, which means he is dependent on alcohol. He’s not the only one in denial, it isn’t something to grow out of, he’s dependent. Despite the huge quantities he drinks you think he can give up because he didn’t drink for 6 weeks in 2014.

He doesn’t want to stop because he doesn’t see his drinking as a problem.

The only change can come from him, OP. He currently doesn't want to stop drinking. So he will remain defensive and evasive and justify his consumption.

I am speaking from experience as I am currently having treatment for alcohol addiction. I am single but have an adult son. No matter how worried and upset I knew he was, nothing deterred me from drinking until I reached my personal lightbulb moment.

Your main job now is to keep DC safe. If you bring them up around an active alcoholic, they WILL suffer significant emotional harm. This will happen even if they don't ever realise that "dads a pisshead". Google "Adult children of alcoholics".

You have grown up. He hasn't.

He has an addiction, and yes that's an illness, not a "weak" personality or whatever. But you don't have to hang around to look after him until he makes himself so ill that he dies or makes you lose your home, etc. As I said, your priority must be your DC.

Have a search for threads by pointythings on these boards.

The first step is him recognising he is drinking too much and until that happens nothing will change. If upsetting you, being picked up by police, having a baby hasnt made him wake up not sure what will.

I’ve seen a friend suffer in your shoes, a slow decline, on tenterhooks because she doesnt know what state he’d be in at any time. A very slow decline because “he hasnt got a problem”. Tragic really as they were great together. He loves his drink more. Needless to say the relationship ended.

The “mammy issues” thing i find rather offensive of him.
Good luck

Nothing you can do or say. Alcohol is his love above anything and everything else.

Think about your DC. It would be tragic for them to grow up in that environment.

Think about all the money he wastes in a year on booze.

Try Al Anon for yourself.

My DH was drinking quiet a lot (but not that much, maybe 6 or 7 cans of beer 4 or 5 nights a week, more on weekends). He had a health scare and quite cold turkey, he didn’t drink for a year. No amount of gentle conversation or nagging from me made any difference. Now he drinks again but only at weekends and nowhere near as much.

I don’t think he was an alcoholic but he recognises he had a problem. Sorry to say I think your DH is different. He’s drinking huge volumes, every day. Stating he can stop because he didn’t drink for 6 weeks 5 years ago..is quite naïve really. He has no motivation to stop drinking. You need to think about your priorities here, you and the baby. Aside from anything else, it must be costing a fortune? You can’t make him stop drinking, like echinida1 says, he need to hit rock bottom, he’s nowhere near yet. Contacting al-anon is a good idea.

I was,I suppose. a functioning alcoholic twenty years ago...the bottle of wine a night slowly became often two and then opening a third. I wasn’t driving at the time. I chose to stop when I realised I was thinking about it all day at work. The first week shocked me - I actually got the shakes - and yet I managed it and never looked back. I rarely drink nowadays, maybe two bottles of wine a year! It is only possible if the person wants to stop themselves, really doesn’t sound like he does.

My DH was drinking a lot when I met him, he lived alone and had "a" pint after work each night (late finish times) and then had cans at home. I had concerns but he's since admitted unprompted that it was too much of an intake, was costing too much and says that had just become a habit. I suspect he was using it as a distraction as he'd been through a lot up to that point. When we got together, he just cut down of his own accord, and now there will be times when he drinks more but always goes 'oops, drank a bit much this weekend' and returns to normal so he's clearly recognising it IYSWIM.

If someone is an alcoholic though, they won't or can't stop just because someone asks them to, they need to see if for themselves and want to make the change. Al-anon is a good call, as PP suggests

What do you think will change between now and when the baby is born in 6 months?
Of course you can't 'get him' to change. He doesn't want to or see any need to.
You either accept that you are having a baby with an alcoholic or you leave. Option a is a whole mess of heartbreak, trust me.

He won't drink less until he wants to drink less. And it doesn't sound at all like he wants to give it up.

Bringing your children up in this environment causes so much heartache. You need to protect them, not a grown man who needs to make the right choices.