Has anyone’s DP successfully managed to curb their drinking?

[Comps83]

Please . I don’t want any posts that I should leave him as that really isn’t an option right now. I need advice from people who have managed to get their DP to lower their alcohol intake or whose DP has managed it on their own
DH drinks at least a bottle of wine a night (work nights, much much more on a wkend)
He doesn’t see any problem with this and if I question it he says it’s just because I have ‘mammy’ issues (as my mother was/is an alcoholic who I went NC with last year)
He doesn’t get violent or abusive like she does though but will just quietly drink himself into oblivion regularly (so this makes him think it’s fine)

I’m 3 months pregnant and he said at the start that he would stop but it lasted 2 days

He has a good job. Educational management . One he could easily lose if he gets caught drink driving/a parent sees him barely able to walk on a staff night out/ he rolls in stinking of booze

It needs to stop. I won’t tolerate this when dc arrives and I WILL leave him if it carries on

I think he needs a big shock . He was brought home by the police a few months back and I wish they had arrested him as I think this would have given him the kick up the arse he needs

So anyway I came downstairs this morning to find he had polished off 3 bottles of wine + cider. He got out his pit while I was writing this and I admit I lost it with him to which I got the usual response of how it isn’t a problem and why am I making an issue out of it and ruining the day.

Anyone come out the other end of this?

Tbf he has calmed down a bit in the last few years. For example I got him to see that that being pissed at 9am as he’d started drinking at 7am was unacceptable

Yes, I do know a situation where it ended well.

They were drinking every night just a couple to start with , then it turned to a few and when that became normal it would increase again. Then it became as soon as they walked in the door from work pouring themselves a drink and continuing for most of the night. Went from wine to vodka, sneaking drinks.

Then his partner had enough, said it was the drink or her. He didn't think he had a problem but agreed to attend the AA meeting to prove he wasn't like them....... He then realised he was just like them, he got help in which she supported him through, yes it was tough, but she loved him and was willing to go through all the bad times to see him through.

Obviously not all scenarios are like this but it definitely can happen, so there is hope to try before baby comes along.

IME addicts won't stop their drinking /drugging because they've been told to stop. I'm a former addict and nothing stopped me, not even many arrests and even a court order to cease my drug taking.

It's rare for a couples relationship to be able to survive addiction, the co-dependent, (you) usually ends up in a care/jailer/parental role, which both of you resent. Whilst all the time you resent his drinking. He is drinking an awful lot Op, I wasn't drinking much more than than that when my eyes went yellow and it was thought I would need a partial liver transplant.

I'm sorry to be so honest in my reply, I really am. I hope you're in receipt of some support yourself, a good counsellor would be very useful for you.

It can happen, but only if the alcoholic admits they have a problem and seek help actively. Your OH is not anywhere near that stage. He is alcohol dependent, you are codependent. Start reading up on codependency.

There is nothing you can do to change him

Read that about 10 times, until you believe it. The only two people you can help here are yourself and your baby. Don't let your child grow up with an alcoholic for a parent.

I know two people who beat the addiction successfully. One of them is my sister's partner. My husband was not the other one - he died last year, still addicted, drinking about as much as your OH does. That kind of drinking will kill him - but it will be many long and increasingly miserable years until it does. Don't be with him for those years.

Sorry to be a downer, but this is my lived experience.

You say - you won't be leaving him. Your default position here is not realistic or sustainable. Sorry to have to tell you this, but the sooner you confront what you're dealing with here, the sooner you can begin to protect yourself and your unborn child from the fallout. You can't get him to stop drinking, only he can do that and from your post that isn't going to happen any time soon. I have walked in your shoes, and sorry I have to tell you, yes, he will probably lose his job unless he takes active steps to get help. While he is denying he has a problem that isn't going to happen. You won't want to hear this - but leaving is the only option. Do this for your own peace of mind and the well-being of your unborn child. You had a alcoholic mother, do you want your precious child brought up with an alcoholic father? Ask yourself the question - 'can I spend the rest of my life like this?'. Please wake up before it's too late. Sorry, I know it's not what you want to hear, but that is the cold reality of the situation.

He knows it’s not normal. He knows his drinking is out of control. He won’t acknowledge it because that means having to change and he doesn’t want to.

You can't control, cure or change his drinking. He's an alcoholic, and withdrawal needs to be under medical supervision because he will need that help. Unless he goes to the GP and he tells family/friends/work, nothing will change. At that moment he's a functioning alcoholic but that will change too as his liver starts to fail.

Focus on you and your baby - because he's only focused on where his next drink is coming from. Both of my uncles were alcoholics - and both had massive heart attacks in their early 40s. One survived - one didn't. Think of the future you are giving this child - my cousins are angry and bitter at the childhood they had because of these men.

He was told that he is not an alcoholic as he can go without

Who told him that? That's completely untrue

Op says that he regularly drinks himself to oblivion.

That most certainly is not 'normal' drinking.......

Also echo what CodenameVillanelle says too

You should focus on yourself first because you have been inflicted with burden of an alcoholic mother and this has had a major impact on your emotional character. Look at the website Adult Children Of Alcoholics where you will see how damaged you are.

This has allowed you to be in this relationship and tolerate your DH behaviour to date. You are now choosing to inflect this on another generation in the form of your unborn child.

YOU can do nothing directly to change your DH. The only thing in your power is to change the dynamic and detach with love (preferably leave).

If you do this - it might wake him up to his loss - or it might not.

Spend some time at al-anon, ACoA and personal therapy.

I wish that mine had been able to curb his drinking, but he couldn't, - made it look like he had, but turned out he was putting rum into his tea and hot chocolate....
this didn't help his depression/anxiety, which he refused to get help for after his first trial on anti D's didn't go well, but then it can take several attempts to go on the right ones, but he refused to go back and steadily got worse and more manipulative about it- in the end I broke up with him as it was causing me anxiety and depression trying to deal with him.
He still drinks, lost his job, and is currently apparently trying to finish his degree- on his 3rd attempt at final year because he dropped out of the last 2 as he was drinking instead of studying.

Unless your DH takes responsibility for this himself- and he wont until he reaches rock bottom- then he will continue as he is- and discussions, pleading, ultimatums and, having a DC are unlikely change this-

I wish you all the best with you DC in the future and hope that things get better for you.

He doesn’t see any problem with this and if I question it he says it’s just because I have ‘mammy’ issues (as my mother was/is an alcoholic who I went NC with last year)

I'd agree with him, in that the reason you got involved with a drunk like him is because you learned to be codependent with your alcoholic mum. People who grow up with alcoholic parents usually grow up to be alcoholics themselves or codependent like you.

Alcoholism is often learnt behaviour. There can be a genetic component too. That's why people sometimes call it a family illness.

I'm a very long time sober alcoholic and your DH is as others have said, a functioning alcoholic. Though only barely functioning by your account. If he gets done for drunk driving or gets arrested he'll probably lose his job. Then the shit will really hit the fan.

I think it's time for some ultimatums, although only issue them if you mean to follow through. And please try Al Anon.

Oh, and in answer to your question, I successfully stopped drinking because I knew my marriage wouldn't survive unless I did. So it can be done. I did an AMA on how and why.

Have a read of “Co-dependent no more” by Melody Beattie. It changed my life. It explains how your nagging and trying to fix the problem makes them feel sorry for themselves, become defensive, withdraw, become MORE entrenched in their entitlement and drink MORE.

It’s called “provoking” and as it sustains the alcoholism you are unwittingly an “enabler” to the alcoholic. As you are when you do absolutely to accommodate or hide their behaviour as you are colluding.

Really the very best hope your DH has is for you to leave him. If he then gets sober and has a year dry - then you can consider being a family again.

Don’t let your precious days of motherhood be consumed with worrying about him - give ever ounce of emotional energy and focus to your DC as they need it as they have potentially only one emotionally engaged parent (that’s if you detach with love 100%) - otherwise your DC will have your childhood.

He won't stop when the baby is born.

He won't stop until he wants to.

There's nothing you can do until he decides he's had enough, and no or knows when that will be.

In his job though he needs to be careful.

In the meantime you need to look after yourself and I agree with contacting Al Anon.

Good luck to you, it's a hard road but I know plenty of people who have got through it

Your OP is a bit like asking if anyone has ever survived a parachute failing to open.

My DH has, he used to polish off a bottle of spirits in a day, he recognised it was a problem and we agreed that we would work on it together. I helped him reduce from a bottle a day to half to quarter and so on. I helped him out with all the vitamins and over the counter medications he would need to help with the withdrawal of it. We sat and spoke about why and when he started drinking and why he continued to do so and his triggers and went through some motivational tools as well as drink diaries. Its been a journey but we got through it together and now people see the man that I saw that they couldn't. He may have a can of beer here or there but nothing more than that. I am proud of him and he deserves all the credit for it. He didnt want to go to services nor did he want AA.
It is very possible, I know some entrenched alcoholics who have recovered never to drink again too, but the onus lies on him to admit he has a problem and then want to stop. The biggest battle is within himself