Im stewing over 1 little whispered comment.

[Balula]

Brief back story, DH and I haven't had sex in months, I have an auto immune condition and have been having a flair up which means I'm basically asleep most the time or feeling like shit. He has been very respectful of this to be fair, I know it's hard for him.
I am also on the pill which kills my libido dead, there are no other contraceptive options for us, DH has gone to the Gap to ask about vasectomy but when the GP asked if DH was sure he didn't want anymore kids DH answered honestly and told him that he'd love more and he was wanting a vasectomy for me because my mental health was shaky so the GP said no.

This past week DH has made a couple of comments in regards to sex (asking if we needed to check the use by date on condoms and purchase more if necessary and once when I was half falling asleep he commented that since I was so tired he wouldn't bother to make a move)

Anyway, yesterday I'd dropped off on the sofa like every evening, I can't help it, I genuinely feel so fought at the moment and it's going on for ever.
DH was getting our bed pulled out and made up (we sleep in the living room) and the sofa bed made a loud crash, I woke with a star and DH said "oops sorry" the. Whispered "not really sorry!" I know , I know this sounds pathetic but I've really been stewing on that whispered comment, he has so much bitterness in his voice that I could have cried ... I know it's shit having no sex life, I know the answer is to talk to him about it.
DH has had periods of serious insecurity about us that leave him depressed and a wreck so talking about it is risky in case it opens up all that again.

I don't even know what I want from posting this. I don't feel up to a deep and meaningful or another spell of reassuring him constantly about every word or action that I do but I also don't want my marriage to go down the pan. I'm so tired.

Sorry you're dealing with this.

If you're using condoms, are you on the pill to double up contraception? Do you need that doubling up?

Yes we do, conforms and the pill have failed before, plus my natural hormone cycle leaves me suicidal every month from pms. The pill turns me into a sort of zombie which is safer for everyone.

Last time I had a pregnancy scare I contemplated taking my life, another pregnancy terrifies me. We have 4 kids, 1 disabled, they're all really hard work. I cannot do it again although DH would love more.

Is sterilisation an option for you?

I've asked but turned down for it. I could push again.

OP, I feel so sad reading this.
I am ill with a progressive condition, the medication makes me feel horrible and sometimes I can't do anythibg but sleep.
My DH takes care of me.
Stress makes autoimmune conditions worse.
Have you considered a mirena coil? Far fewer hormones than the pill and no periods.
Your husband is being unkind and increasing your stress IMO.

It all sounds really hard

4 dc, one of whom is disabled, are enough for anyone unless they can afford a full time live in nanny.
Does H help as much as he is able?

I had the coil, I fell pregnant on it and then it got imbedded in my womb so I had to have a termination, I got sepsis off the back of that and was incredibly unwell. Whilst it was in it worked well though but I'd still probably double up with condoms to be safe.

It is hard and everything is tangled up within it, like the fact that I find it difficult to speak to him in case it triggers his MH issues and he finds it hard to talk to me in case I feel pressured. All that tied in with the fact we're both working full time, our housing is dire, finances tough, our children are hard work, we have no support so haven't been out together in years. I can't see the wood through the trees at the moment.

DH is a very hands on dad and very supportive with the kids/housework etc. Both our leave from work is taken up when kids have needed us.

Why aren't you getting treatment to avoid as many prolonged flares as possible?

The GP needs to refer you to a proper specialist.

I think you need to go back to GP and ask again about sterilisation.
Take this thread and show them.
It is not reasonable for your husband to want more dc. That makes me feel very uneasy.
What are his MH issues?
Is he having treatment/ support?

Don't take this thread, cos it's clear dh wants more children and that won't help op's case for sterilisation.

You're sleeping on a pull out sofa in the sitting room with 4 kids already, one of whom is disabled, and he wants more kids? Why? He has mental health problems and a sick wife. Where does he think more children will fit into this scenario? He needs to get the snip and get real. Tell him to save his honesty at the GP to looking at himself in a mirror.

There isn't anything to stop the flare ups, I have a very bad one on e every couple of years. All I can have is pain relief for the joint pain which I'm in control of so I don't need it, but nothing for the extreme fatigue and brain fog.

I will go back and ask about sterilisation but will that stop the hormone cycle which causes my extreme pms? Sorry I should know that but I don't.
DH has a spell of severe anxiety and depression fuelled by insecurities over our relationship, he seems to have come through it but I worry starting it all off again, when he was at his worst we were spending all night very night talking it though, I couldn't help him, no amount of reassurance helped. He seemed to work it out in his own eventually.

I know everyone says it in these threads but he is a supportive husband, he is great with the kids and we do share everything 50/50 but when it comes to communicating we don't seem to be as good and end up in these awkward silences, me trying to stay awake and engage and him side eyeing me trying to work out how to approach whatever's bothering him.

You sleep in the living room, are unwell and have four children (one disabled), your husband is in a huff because he isn’t getting sex, and he wants another baby!!!!!!!!!!!

He sounds like an arse and an idiot. How on earth does he honk you could cope with a pregnancy and another baby whin n you are in poor health.

Tell him to wise up.

I should add he knows we can't have more kids, he is realising that it would be a disaster for everyone but he's honest to a fault when it comes to drs, he has said he will go back and discuss it again with the GP, he's currently saying he can't get an appointment, honestly I don't know if that's true or not, gps are a nightmare around here.

You're sleeping on a pull out sofa in the sitting room with 4 kids already, one of whom is disabled, and he wants more kids? Why? He has mental health problems and a sick wife. Where does he think more children will fit into this scenario? He needs to get the snip and get real. Tell him to save his honesty at the GP to looking at himself in a mirror.

This X 1000.

But even if he gets the snip I suppose you'll still have to take the pill to try to minimise the PMs/pmdd.

I'm going to have to bite the bullet and talk to him about it. We have another long hospitals tay looming and I can't have this hanging over us all while we're a hundred miles apart.

But you aren't communicating to him on the kids issue. Or maybe he is not hearing you. It would be madness to bring more children into the mix.

Possible he sees more as tying you to him further if he is do afraid you may separate

Long-term illness obviously affects the partner. Have you told him you heard the comment? You should.

4 children is absolutely hectic for anyone, let alone health issues, let along mental health issues, let alone one child having a disability.

I mean ...

I have been very clear that I wouldn't have another baby, an accidental pregnancy would be terminated and that would be thar. He knows, he hears me. It's his ideal world scenario to have another, he knows it won't happen.
I will tell him I heard the comment. When I get in from work tonight we will discuss it.

It isn't fair of him to keep pushing the idea of another child on you. You have valid reasons and even if you didn't, you have a choice.

I'd say that has to stop. If he wants a child so bad, he can leave and find someone else. You can't be expected to be listening to his desire for a child for the rest of your reproductive years!! He has four. You aren't even sleeping in a normal bed and you have long term health issues. He's deluded.

He sounds very childish also.

I think he's accepted the more children thing, it's not the issue here but something everyone is focusing on. I only mentioned it because he mentioned it to the GP which is why he was turned down for a vasectomy. He agrees that it cannot happen, it would be awful for the whole family.

I think the issue is he's fed up of how my health is impacting us as a couple which is fair enough, having an ill child I'd hard, having an ill spouse as well must be tough, he never complains to my face and always asks how he can help or encourages me to sleep if I need to. It's only because I caught this comment that I've realised it's obviously not as ok with him as I thought. Not that I have an answer for him but best to get it out in the open I guess.

I am another "stewer", so I understand how a tiny thing can play on your mind for a ridiculous amount of time.

I found this article quite interesting and it contained some useful points of view for me to consider: tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-recognize-painful-emotional-triggers-and-stop-reacting-in-anger

I think maybe tell him you appreciate how supportive he is, and that you heard it, but you understand he must find it tough. Would you be able to do any relationship counselling together?

I think people are focusing on the contraception issue cos it seems like something that could be fixed. And sorry to continue, but I'd pursue sterilisation again - you seem like you have excellent reasons to do it, why were you refused?