Im stewing over 1 little whispered comment.

[Balula]

Brief back story, DH and I haven't had sex in months, I have an auto immune condition and have been having a flair up which means I'm basically asleep most the time or feeling like shit. He has been very respectful of this to be fair, I know it's hard for him.
I am also on the pill which kills my libido dead, there are no other contraceptive options for us, DH has gone to the Gap to ask about vasectomy but when the GP asked if DH was sure he didn't want anymore kids DH answered honestly and told him that he'd love more and he was wanting a vasectomy for me because my mental health was shaky so the GP said no.

This past week DH has made a couple of comments in regards to sex (asking if we needed to check the use by date on condoms and purchase more if necessary and once when I was half falling asleep he commented that since I was so tired he wouldn't bother to make a move)

Anyway, yesterday I'd dropped off on the sofa like every evening, I can't help it, I genuinely feel so fought at the moment and it's going on for ever.
DH was getting our bed pulled out and made up (we sleep in the living room) and the sofa bed made a loud crash, I woke with a star and DH said "oops sorry" the. Whispered "not really sorry!" I know , I know this sounds pathetic but I've really been stewing on that whispered comment, he has so much bitterness in his voice that I could have cried ... I know it's shit having no sex life, I know the answer is to talk to him about it.
DH has had periods of serious insecurity about us that leave him depressed and a wreck so talking about it is risky in case it opens up all that again.

I don't even know what I want from posting this. I don't feel up to a deep and meaningful or another spell of reassuring him constantly about every word or action that I do but I also don't want my marriage to go down the pan. I'm so tired.

The women's health nurse said that not a dr in the land would refer me because I have history of heavy, frequent bleeding and have had a lot of issues surrounding my mental cycle and that would all be made worse with sterilisation and I would likely end up with a coil or the pill to regulate it all any way, I don't know if that's true or if it's their way of not giving someone expensive surgery when are being cut? I will definitely go back and ask again what my options are.

Go and get referred to a good gynaecologist not just a nurse (lots of great nurses but I'd like to speak to a top doctor who could explain clearly and has all the up to date research).

If he's accepted it, tell him to stop mentioning it. People are focusing on it because it's an unnecessary stress you don't need!

Agree with Category12 - Can you get some counselling, together? I know addressing that on it's own is hard but you may be able to get your GP to 'suggest' it. There seems to be a lot of emphasis on each of you individually health wise by professionals but not a lot on your lives together.

Another thread where reading comprehension is key.

OP has stated several times that her DH has accepted the fact that they are not having more kids, that’s not the issue here 🙄

OP, I’m probably wrong, but it sounds like one of those comments that slip out that are 5% truth, 95% frustration - I don’t think you should dwell on it, your DH sounds supportive.

I certainly wouldn't dwell on his whispered comment. He sounds understandably frustrated and fed up. No one wants to be living their adult life sleeping on a sofa bed, and not having sex.

I agree, it is a bit of a miserable existence for both of us at times. I'm starting to feel a bit less stewed by it, will talk it through and iron it out again. I'm sure it will be fine. Thanks for everyone's input.

And I'm really sorry if I sounded unsympathetic towards you OP. That wasn't my intention, and things are harder for you, of course It's just that his throwaway comment sounds like the least of your worries x

It's worth recognising his life is a bit shit and stressful too, doesn't mean he's blaming you, but he should be allowed to feel that way without you taking it personally. I wouldn't worry, but I would make an effort to act like a team with him and perhaps talk to him. Don't talk to him in a way that is you asking for reassurance, make it about him.

If you are clear on having no more kids, there might be a lot more drugs available to you. I have an autoimmune condition and once I was done with having kids, it was almost like a buffet of choices. Do go and check and make a fuss about feeling better. It's unfortunate that when we most need to be demanding is when we least have the reserves for it. It also makes sense to be sterilised, push for that.

Are you getting all the financial support you're entitled to, OP? Things sound pretty tough if you are sleeping on a sofa bed. Can you see whether you could get more tax credits or whatever if you worked fewer hours? It sounds as though you're totally exhausted.

Have to say if I had four children, one with extra needs, and a wife who was suicidal at the thought of another pregnancy, then I would have a vasectomy, regardless of whether she still had to continue with hormone treatment.

You're not "stewing".
That comment is echoing around your mind as it encapsulates everything wrong with your relstionship. He just doesn't give a shit about you - only about what you can do and provide for him. He'll never change.

How much of your mental health would be improved by being away from such a corrosive person and relationship?

There is an excellent chance he wants more babies as babies distract women from any horrifying issues in the relationship with their partner. New babies also serve to reduce choices and mobility in leaving such a relationship.

Picsinred the OP has made it very clear that her DH is a supportive partner, nowhere does it suggest he doesn't give a shit. Clearly they are both fed up and frustrated with their health issues and living situation. Your input is completely unhelpful.

There's plenty to treat extreme tiredness and brain fog (and depression/anxiety associated with inflammation) if it's an autoimmune condition - particularly when you aren't going to be TTC. But you'd need to be referred to a Rheumatologist to access them.

Off the top of my head, depending on the condition, there is

Plaquenil
Methotrexate
Leflunomide
Sulfasalazine
Cyclophosphamide
Intanercept
Humira
and steroids such as Dexamethasone for particularly nasty flares (im pulses can work within a couple of hours and last for weeks whilst other meds take effect, for example).

Don't let your GP fob you off, as it sounds like they do with most things. You do not have to live with that level of symptoms.

(by the way, depending upon when your last pregnancy was, that can have a bearing upon symptoms - your immune system quietens down during pregnancy and then ramps back up again as soon as it ends for whatever reason).

Oh, and you'd be surprised how many doctors would refer you for sterilisation if a) you've had 4 +1 (or more, depending upon miscarriages), failed contraception AND you need to take medication that you must not get pregnant on.

You don't say whether you are under the care of a rheumatologist, OP, but you should be.

It's worth recognising his life is a bit shit and stressful too, doesn't mean he's blaming you, but he should be allowed to feel that way without you taking it personally.

My thoughts too. He sounds a good person, and he needs reassurance too.

God it was really convenient that his honesty about kids just happened to slip out when he was chatting to a doc about sterilisation🙄

I’m not defending your DH as what he said was unkind. But men in general can be terrible at communicating and sometimes anger / sadness / frustration can boil over at something that isn’t really the root cause

It’s gruelling having a long term illness, and I really feel for you OP. I truly hope things improve for you soon . But it is also draining, demoralising and stressful being the partner of someone with a long term condition.

I would put good money on him being depressed, frustrated, worried, guilty that you are in a bad flare up and he is helpless to help you.

Particularly as you have a disabled child too, has he thought of accessing any support? Via GP?

Again - not defending him (not intentionally anyway) but trying to rationalise that sex may not be the root cause of the issue here.

You focus on yourself and getting out of this flare and regaining your strength. He needs to access his own support so you can move forward as a family.

Do you have the money to pay to see a gynaecologist privately? £200 for an appointment which will happen in the next week and discuss your options and they can then put you back on nhs for treatment. I sacrificed a holiday to get seen when I was at that point and couldn’t get out of bed. Best money I’ve ever spent. Got me sorted and although not perfect. I’m functioning again. Plus it’s cheaper than needing a solicitor because you’re at the point of separation. Push when you’re there for sterilisation. If you’re going to do it, email the gynaecologist directly. Google gynaecologist and your area. Then you can read up on them. Go for a top female. You could give us your area/county and we could all recommend to you. Don’t accept being poorly. You can get treated.