What is the protocol with Father's Day when you have split?

[CheesecakeAddict]

I am meeting with 'D'h and MIL this afternoon for Father's Day. Mostly because I took the car when I walked out and I have agreed that he can have contact today for Father's Day. We split up a month ago, should I have got him a card/present? I hoped DD would have brought something back from nursery but they know i was leaving an abusive relationship so i think they didn't get her to join in making anything in case she didn't get to see her dad.
What about the day itself? It's too far for me to drop off, go back home to then come back to pick up as it's an hour each way. I think there is the expectation that I will join in the family meal, but we are still in an awkward stage and I would much prefer to go shopping/get my eyebrows done/go for a coffee and read a book as I don't get much down time now as a single mum. Would this be exceptionally rude?
What is the deal?

While the kids are too young to do it themselves, I continue to do cards and presents on their behalf - and vice versus.

Oh and I'd just drop off and collect. Go have a few hours to yourself, nothing wrong with that.

Drop off and collect and if mentioned “oh sorry I’ve got plans” ... plans to sit in a coffee shop with a book ☺️
I’d go with what you would expect, would you want on mother’s Day your Ex to get your a card from DD, if the answer is yes - you’d be bothered if he didn’t... then you need to give him one from her.
If your not bothered with this type of stuff in the future then don’t.

Get your dd to make a card this morning. Or pick one up en route.

Dropping her off and collecting is fine, enjoy your time out.

I don't think there's any need for you stay if you'd rather not.

I split with XH 3 years ago, DD is a teen. I usually bung her a tenner for Christmas, birthday and Fathers day and let her sort him out. If she was younger I'd take her to choose something.

I don’t think it would be rude to go shopping etc. You’ve driven over with your child, that’s enough.

Could you get your child to make a card this morning before you go? Just a drawing on the front of a paper card would do and pick up a cheap box of crocs on the way? I don’t think the ex should have to buy presents personally- I used to help my stepson buy presents for his dad when he was small. His mother didn’t. The only thing that the ex really should do on father/Mother’s Day is to make sure the child spends time with them.

Great question.

I'd make a card and get your young daughter to colour in a shape and scribble her name with you guiding her hand.

Drop off - all smiles saying enjoy your meal- but you have to pick up a reservation at Argos or need get your mobile phone settings fixed at a shop, or whatever excuse fits. If doing something specific - even if made up - they can't bitch about why you not there at meal.

Everyone is happy. And you enjoy reading a few chapters of your book without interuptions :-)

Yes, you need to facilitate your DC giving card or gift. Which means arranging it completely when they are still young, and nagging (and probably supplying some extra pocket money for a purchase) when they are older. (So get on with some craftwork this morning?)

No, I wouldn't join them for lunch this year, because it is too recent. But you do need to find a way to parent together, which wilI involve being together and seeing both sides of the family from time to time.

It is in your DC's interests to make that work. So I expect there will be posters who say you shouid grit your teeth and get on with it, on the 'start as you mean to go' principle

My dc are teenage so I give them a couple of quid to get him a card and thats it. If they want to do a present up to them but Im not paying for it. Exactly the same for mothers day, he gives her money for a card and no more. If I want to go out on mothers day I plan something nice us with my mum and I know exh has planned cinema etc with dc this afternoon.
There is zero obligation for you to tag along with any plans he has, go and make the most of some child free time and enjoy it

DS made his dad a card at school but i had bought one as a back up ( 99p wilko ! ). Bought a packet of socks and wrapped them up with DS 'help ' . Ex partner didn't get me a card or gift from ds ( my lovely mum did that bless her). But I'm teaching my son how to be a decent human being.
I second drop off / pick up with a valid (made up )reason . Plaster on a smile send DD in laden with card and gift and job done!
Enjoy your time today you deserve it x

If he was abusive then I wouldn't be facilitating anything. There is no way you should have to spend any time with him. How old is dc?

All these things are about helping your child mark important days for someone they love, and about teaching them the skills in picking a gift for someone else.

So, my 15 year old is off shortly with a card and an extremely lovely orchid for his dad, which he picked.

I generally get a bottle of booze off "him" via his dad which is irritating in the extreme given the starring role alcohol has in our differences, and the fact that a 15 year old can't buy booze!

Home made card, bar of his favourite chocolate, drop off with a cheery ‘have a nice time, I’ll pick x up at x time, see you!’

homemade card and drop off and go do what you want.

I wouldn't facilitate an abuser too much.

What did he do for Mother's day?

I’d grab a pictures she’s drawn or get her to draw another, fold in half and use as a card. Then say you’ve got things to do and enjoy your free time!

We picked up a box of chocolates on the way. Somehow i have been guilted into joining them. So awkward. I took dd to her swim lesson this morning so I'm using the excuse to go for a bath. This is probably so wrong but he had just left me with mil and dd and gone for a nap. Now mil has dd.

Holy fuck, a nap?! Confirms your decision at least.

Drop and collect as usual, no need to hang out with him for the day (bit weird). And no, you don’t need to buy him a gift.

Kids are both under 13, we've both tried really hard to be civil (zero abuse though). I give the kids money for a card and ask him if there's a token cheap thing he wants otherwise chocolate. Vice versa for mothers day / birthdays. It's about the kids not us. Today I'm dropping them at his for the afternoon and going to the gym. He will drop them back later. Everyone is happy.

I always make sure my kids have gifts and cards. It's not about him - it's about them.

He's "gone for a nap"?!

What?! I mean, just, what the actual fuck?

Next time, boundaries, OP. You need to have some. What leverage did they use to guilt you, there's no reason you need to be there?

I'm kind of glad I did. Because I left so abruptly, I always felt like I'd made a mistake. He was trying so hard to get me back today...and then he flipped over nothing and threw yoghurt over his mum. And ladies, the shutters came down like they did 4 weeks ago and I remembered why I was doing this.
Never again, drop offs only. I need to move on. I was strong enough to leave in the first place, I am strong enough to stay away from him

He threw yogurt at his mum? What a fucking arsehole, thank god you left him!

Well done on leaving this arsehole OP! What a fucking disgrace.

He threw yoghurt over his own mother in front of your preschool child?

Bloody hell. I would suggest you say contact has to be supervised at a contact centre until the Court can do a risk assessment through CAFCASS. He is seriously not right in the head.