I really need someone to talk to, but there is no one

[Chocolonely]

I suppose I am posting today because I have nowhere else to get this out.

I’ve had a very tough time of late. I was bullied and harassed at work and moved department, then had issues around our home and last month my dad died.
It’s all been a lot. I have always been a worrier, more prone to be anxious etc, but I’ve always tried to get on with things.
I had what I thought was a loving relationship with my DH. Anyway this seems to not be the case. 3 days ago he completely lost it with me. Told me I need a counsellor and not a husband. He has barely spoken to me since then. I feel incredibly hurt and am still feeling sore after the death of my dad, so this now too is devastating.
I have tried to speak with him but he tells me I am self obsessed and it is not pleasant interacting with me whenever I have tried to talk about this.
I just spoke with him to say that I would find tomorrow hard, with it being Father’s Day etc. He responded by saying I’d interrupted his tv programme. I said that was hurtful and he said I was a pain to be with.
I got a late train yesterday and coincidentally DH was on it. I sat with him and asked him to put arm around me, he said it was too hot and then got our phone, ignoring me and not speaking rest of the journey, I may as well have been a stranger.
I asked what all this meant for us. He said that it meant he was going to have a pretty depressing life being married to me.
I love him and have no idea how we have got here. But I feel so hurt now and I don’t really trust him after how he has been, not in terms of being faithful etc but in terms of him being able to hurt me like this and not feeling I can really ever open up to him again.
We have DCs etc so it is all complicated but right now I feel so alone and so hurt by him.
Anyone got any word of wisdom is support, I don’t want my relationship to end x

Bloody Hell.
Sometimes love isn't enough. Just because you love him is not enough reason to stay with this bloke.

You can't go on like this. It's time to lay your cards on the table. He either he wants to work on the relationship and/or attends counselling with you or he doesn't.

If he doesn't you have to be brave and leave.

He is chipping away at your self esteem and I am concerned that your children will pick up on what's happening and use your relationship as their yardstick for the future.

It takes two people to make a relationship work.

You poor thing, of course you're still reeling from losing your dad, and of course tomorrow is going to be tough. Your husband is the self centred, thoughtless, cold hearted one. Sometimes you only find out how awful and unsupportive someone you love is when the shit hits the fan. And horrible though it is to discover, nobody needs a partner who can't even be nice to them (or even bloody polite) during an upsetting time. 💐💐

Hell's teeth. You've been through the mill.

Sounds like DH isn't so up for the "worse" part of "for better or worse".

Have you ever faced even one such equivalent difficulty in your life previously? If so how was he then? Or is this the first time you've faced any kind of really hard time as an individual whilst with him? This is when he should step up and it just makes me think he's not up to it. He seems to lack empathy. And yes, I imagine it really is hard living with someone who is dealing with such trauma and feels emotionally drained, but that's what a life partner is for in my eyes, being there to help through the crap. This is the time that he should step up, as I'm sure you would if the roles were reversed.

I'm not sure what your best course of action is but he is being hopeless from what you say.

So sorry for all the difficulties you're facing and please, don't put weight on what he says about life being depressing with you. You have had a really shit time, and it's totally ok to not be able to dust yourself off so soon and get back to normality. It sounds to me like he just wants you to move on so life can get back to "normal". But that's completely unrealistic on his part. Big hugs. Life is hard right now, but it will get easier.

Just to add, my parents split up when I was about to marry my ex. I found it all really upsetting. My ex said he found it really tough because I was so preoccupied and upset (so he had an affair!). I blamed myself. Later when I met my husband, who has been a huge support through some really tough times without remotely questioning it. I suddenly realised that's normal and my ex was useless.

I’m sorry for your loss.

It’s hard when the one person you should be able to speak to isn’t interested. I’m not sure what to advice, but you might benefit from some counselling?

Thank you all. Just tried to get through gain and he’s now sleeping in spare room. I was upset and he said it’s keeping him awake. He said he’s fed up of years of me talking about worries about work and I’ve become a bore.

I do talk about work a fair bit, mainly as I’m in very stressful jobs to pay bills, I’m main earner. I feel such a burden knowing that all the dependency for our lifestyle is on me at times and I’d not have to be in such stressful roles sometimes.
Last couple of years became horrible and scared me a lot and I admit it’s been hard to move on but i went to a counsellor and am really trying.
He’s said I am a totally self obsessed individual and he would rather not communicate than bicker like we do. He says all I do is fight, but it feels like unless I’m agreeing with him, that’s considered fighting.

All I want is a hug and for us to feel like it’s us together as a family and we can weather it all. He has been so cold.

How would he take to you saying "you know what, you're right, I am obsessing over work, my role isn't good for me so I'm going to look for something else with less pressure. It will mean less money and we will have to cut X, Y, Z to allow for it, but we will be a happier as a unit".

I imagine he wouldn't want his lifestyle changing at your choice? It's unreasonable to want it all but not support you through it when you are the main earner.

Are things at work better now? Or are you still facing the same issues? If they're better, do you go over old ground and struggle to move on from it? Not suggesting you do, but if you do perhaps regarding work you have fallen into a negative mindset that you are struggling to get out of and he is noticing it and not communicating it so well?

I think the passing of your dad has just been the icing on the cake though and will take some getting over. Are you still in counselling? If not can you return? Grief is such a difficult thing to deal with, don't underestimate it.

I did try, a while back suggesting I take a job at less pay but less stress. He freaked out. So as you suggest, that won’t work.
I’m in a better role, but your are right I suggesting I’m stuck in a negative mindset. I have this deep rooted belief I’m going to be found out and lose my job, imposter syndrome etc. My confidence is not great. I’m also in a area where everyone seems to fake it till they make it and that doesn’t help....
Counselling stopped now as couldn’t really afford to carry it on. There’s a scheme through work but I’m scared to let my boss know and they have to sign it off.
I am already dreading tomorrow as I will be ‘punished’ with not being spoken to for him sleeping in spare room. He will say I drove him to it. I feel a total wreck at the moment and am worried I’m going to sabotage everything.
Thank you for being there lovely MNsters xx

I have tried to relate to him and mostly I can’t but I do recognise what the issues may be. I have dealt with a partner who is obsessed with problems at work similar to yours and who experienced bereavement.

On one level he is right, it is draining and your own mental health suffers. I can empathise with his resentment if this has been going on for a long time and if you are ignoring MH problems he may be experiencing as a result of your own depression.

But, if you love someone or even just care for them you will work through it together. And, if that person recognises your effort and acknowledges the impact on you it is easier and less lonely.

Equally I don’t think I could reject someone in crisis or in pain. But if this is a constant then there may be no other way out for him.

My advice is that you may need to stop “asking” things of him. He has stopped giving support, that much is clear, and you are creating a downward spiral. He is telling you he can no longer offer that the support you need. Either because it has become too much mentally or his resentment has eroded his compassion.

He sounds a peach.

I'm sorry to hear this OP. Sad to read, and you don't deserve to be treated like this. He's behaving very childishly. Could you seek marriage counselling?

Some men are great at twisting everything around to be about them. They don’t have empathy and they don’t want much to deflect from their needs so they don’t make mental space available for anyone else. They tend not to care deeply about others. They are not there in sickness and in health. Only when everything is going well for them.

So you have a decision: accept he won’t support you and stay or leave. Men like him won’t change and it will be a frosty future if you stay.

What an absolute vile wanker. I'm so sorry about your dad and anyone with an ounce of compassion in them would support and comfort you at this difficult time.

Well he has put you in a rather untenable position, hasn’t he. This needs to be pointed out. Please advise him that one of the reasons you’ve been so stressed is because you have been financially supporting him in the lifestyle he has clearly become accustomed to with no fucking emotional support from him. If he doesn’t want to be involved with this, then why should you continue to support this? That would be nonsensical. I would advise him to find somewhere else to park his cocklodging self until he can become supportive. Why does he have all the power in this relationship?

Just how much more than him do you earn?

I would say focus on yourself for now. He's obviously not interested in giving you support which is heartbreaking for you. Right now, YOU is all you need to worry about, take all the time you need. Find support from people who will listen such as friends or family. The distance from you might wake him up a bit. Don't force him to support you, it will only upset you more. (Although I don't agree with how he is being with you) Turn it around and find the strength from yourself to get through this.
I am so sorry for your loss. No words will take any pain away but remember there are always people out there to listen. You are certainly not alone on here I hope the response your receiving on here helps you even just slightly. X

Btw - time to check his phone. Could he be having an affair?

He sounds revolting. However you cannot force empathy or compassion
Prioritise your needs but do not ask for anything from him,the rejection will make you feel worse. If you can manage to live without him on the lower salary less stress job, then go for it. He does not get to dictate what job you do to support him being vile to you! Start planning to leave, I know full well that being alone in a relationship is far worse than being single.

Thank you everyone. I earn considerably more than him, thousands per year.

I do probably talk about work a bit too much, but it is so stressful. Not helped by previous experience and 4 people were fired just last week.

This morning, after sleeping in spare room. He has said that he wants to get on, but added ‘can I let that happen and make it a good day’. So I need to behave appropriately. He’s behaving like nothing happened over the last week. It seems very strange.

We have had amazing times, it just seems since my dad died he’s been distant and much colder.

I have had work difficulties in the past, and recently struggled with issues at work, not the same as yours, but know how hard it can be to be motivated in work and to think positively about it.

I don't often speak to DH about work, mainly because I can't be bothered to go thread to needle explaining the situation as he doesn't work in my sector. Consequently I lean on like minded work friends which is a great sense of relief of the frustration as they get it. Is there anyone at work, current position or previous ones who work in the same field that you could reach out to? Maybe text them and say "could we meet up? Work has been tough and I'd really appreciate your perspective"? Be up front that you need someone to talk to. They will have a better take on things too being from the same environment and you not being emotionally invested in them.

I mean this in the nicest possible way and hope it doesn't come across wrong, but if you have been having these difficulties for a long time and it's impacting upon your behaviour at home (which is understandable) it is also impacting on him and his home life. What was once fun is no more, and whilst I appreciate you earn more and support your shared lifestyle more heavily, and he has a shitty way with words (clear to see) he too is unhappy by the sounds of it. And he probably just wants to be happy with his wife like he used to be. I am sure he recognises that isn't going to happen overnight, but can you put differences aside and maybe next weekend plan an activity together? Don't go for dinner or drinks where you are forced to sit and make conversation, DO something so that you have something else to talk about - Go Ape, indoor wall climbing, crazy golf, an escape room, even go to the cinema so you can discuss the film afterwards? Something that brings you both to a more light hearted common ground, is enjoyable and you can have a couple of hours with distraction? Try get back to where you were?

Thank you, the main reason I don’t speak with colleagues is because they all talk about how crap things are. They make me anxious and all of the ones I have spoken to say they want to quit. So conversations are not constructive and I’ve tried to distance myself from that type of thing. In the job I had my troubles, I reached out to a colleague and they told the boss. I no longer trust people at work and I’ve always been very private.
It is true what you point out needsomebottle. Last weekend though I got tickets to see a concert with kids. He sulked as soon as I told him I had tickets. The weather was nice and he said it would be wasted with us being inside. I suggested he not come and he then got more stroppy, came along and said nothing the whole time.

It basically feels like he is punishing me the whole time.

He sounds horrid.

I think you need to prioritise counselling for you. If work need to sign it off can you say it's due to bereavement? No one will judge you but perhaps that might be easier for work to know about?

Sending a big hug op. Just ignore him today, hold your head up high and make the most of the day with your kids.

He's reached the end of his tether and rightly or wrongly you can't rely on him any more to support you so you have two choices

1. Stop reaching out to him, don't talk about your issues much, accept what he can offer and try to reconnect with fun things that he will find enjoyable. Ask him what he would like to do this weekend. Maybe once you get back on an even keel then he'll naturally be a bit more supportive. Get counseling on your own.

1. Realise that he's being an arse and make plans to leave him.

Maybe it'll be a combination of trying 1, before you realise that you need 2, however it is clear that you can no longer continue as you are - however unfair that seems.