Did anyone get to their late 20s/ early 30s and almost hit a sort of grief that your life hadn't turned out the way you thought?

[RachelBeing30]

I'm in a bit of a rough patch just now and being single is really part of it for me.

I always thought being in a relationship would just happen, that I'd meet someone at uni or at work and just hit it off. I have no delusions about my own attractiveness and I'd rather someone made me laugh than was 6'2 anyway.

I've had a great social life and I've done a bit of travelling with friends and a relationship has just not fallen into place for me like it seems to have done for everyone else. I'm just so sad. I'm watching all my friends drift into coupledom, mortgages, wedding planning and parenthood and I feel like I'm invisible or in this glass box watching.

I've been trying OLD and truthfully it's the worst thing I've ever done, yet it's the only way I've ever had a date.

I have both the money and the time to go to Tibet. I have everything, apart from the one thing I’ve always wanted more than anything. I feel like a zombie living a total lie.

I have no advice that hasn't already been given except to say that you can be lonely in a relationship even with children. Almost 50 here and this wasn't how I saw my life.
OLD can be hideous-I've seen friends almost destroyed by it.
Ok maybe I do have some advice-what's the quirkiest/most interesting thing about you? Identify that then look for someone else who fits it. Maybe through an interest group or something?
I say that because my absolute love is cooking and baking yet I'm with a man you would take a tablet to survive every day as he has no interest in food and I find it soul destroying

OP have you tried paid sites like match.com? Or eharmony? Some sites are better than others. I mean my OH through online dating and I went on so many dates before I found him. If you go on say 20 dates I’m sure you’ll click with at least one of them. Don’t let bad experiences put you off.

I've also been in your situation, and it's really not a great place to be. What helped me was actually confronting the possibility that maybe life wouldn't turn out like I planned and constructing a next best alternative to regain some control over my life and happiness.

I'm a bit of a homebody and was never really interested in the intrepid adventures that people are probably always telling you that should go on while you still can. I do like the odd holiday though and so I found a holiday company for solo travellers where you holiday in a group. I was always very nervous at the airport heading out, but I met some really lovely people and look back fondly at those trips.

But the thing I felt like I was missing the most was companionship and the possibility of a family. After a lot of consideration and planning I got a dog. I genuinely believe he changed my life instantly. I had something to nurture, I had to walk him which resulted in new doggie friends, I had to take him training. Basically my life stopped just being about me and although my "perfect" life still involved a bloke and kids, it really stopped mattering as much.

I eventually met my now husband on Match.com at the age of 38, had my daughter at 40 and got married at 43. But as much as I love my life now, I was also happy when it was just me and the dog (who is currently snoring on the sofa!).

Finally, you have a good job and a mortgage and you've done that by yourself without relying on anyone else. That's something to be proud of right there. Create your alternative life for you and no one else, and then hopefully eventually a man will show up to share it, not complete it. There's nothing wrong with wanting that, but if he doesn't show up then it will still be a fulfilling life.

I think if you lowered your standards and be open to meeting different kinds of men you would meet someone. Maybe consider someone older, someone whos a different nationality. Perhaps you're being too picky. You say you're not good at small talk, well that's something that can be learned, take an interest in the other person approach it like making a new friend perhaps rather than a life partner. Perhaps that is the problem your approach off. ? Just throwing out some ideas.

I feel the same as you. Had bad experiences OLD. Deep down I think I will meet someons, but boy am I disappointed how my life has gone.

I'm 43 and feel like that at least 3 times a week tbh.

Rachel, I think I know how you feel. 35 and haven't met the right one yet either despite seeing almost everyone around me meet their person and kissing a fair few frogs myself.

I really felt that I was going to meet someone this year (just had a weird 'hunch' about it) and so I got on dating apps. I went on one date with a man who seemed lovely but turned out to be a total pervert (all sorts of strange fetishes, including one that was illegal I think), and he forced his fetish on me and involved me in it, in the very early days without asking for consent, which was actually quite upsetting.

After that experience I gave up on the OLD. I did talk to other men but I was really left with the sense that the men I was chatting to seemed like such losers (I saw red flags everywhere with these OLD guys.) Boozers, pot addicts, manipulative men, sexist men, love bombers, people just looking for a shag.) Ugh. Right now I am just living my life and hope to meet someone along the way, not doing online dating anymore.

But I hope it works for you, plenty of my friends have had success with it.

Good luck!

Honestly, I've tried Match, Tinder and Bumble and generally saw the same faces over and over again. I did like Bumble the best.

Do something different, stop looking for the love of your life and let him find you.
Many years ago when I was a lot younger I got out of a difficult relationship with zero friends, so resolved to try something new every week. Joined evening classes, dance classes, took up or tried various hobbies and volunteering (bellringing anyone?) visited pubs on my own, went on day trips on my own and organised ones with groups.
Via an evening class I made a couple of friends, one had a party and I met someone special.

I have to say, I'm older than you - mid 40s and I agree with everything everyone else is saying.

I had what you want. I met a man at 25; child at 31; then discovered his affair at 37. I don't have any of the things you have because he was emotionally and financially abusive. I have an older child too because I thought I'd also thought I'd found someone previously and he also cheated.

I completely forgot about the idea of dating or meeting someone. I have tried online dating and completely agree with you - I hate it! It just feels like one big 'pick me' dance.

I started hobbies when my children were old enough. 7 months ago, I met someone I thought there was potential with but now that seems to also be dead in the water.

I think that, on paper, I look like a reasonable catch. I'm reasonably attractive; I have an attractive enough figure; I'm educated; I have a job I enjoy; I have a home that reflects my personality; I play in a band; I go to the gym... previously, I sang in a choir; I took swing dance lessons; I did BMF and met loads of people. Some I'm still in touch with, some not.

But finding someone who loves and cherishes me? Nope. Finding someone who prioritises me? Nope. Finding someone who fancies me? Nope. Finding someone who wants to be with me? Nope. Not got any of those things.

Actually, swing dancing is something that I would highly recommend. There will be something in your area. It's incredibly sociable. You don't need a partner to attend classes - it's fine to go on your own. The dancing is done in a circle and partners rotate. Social dances are popular - again you don't need a partner, it's very 'old fashioned' in the sense that people will ask each other to dance. The people I met through it were generally lovely.

There are swing dance festivals all over the country and overseas too. I have a couple of friends who still do it and they're rarely at home! The ages of participants are anything between university students and octogenarians. New relationships spring up all over the place. If you're not already aware of it, it can sound a bit 'like what your grandma did' as it's largely mid last century music you're dancing too. But that doesn't really matter. I really would recommend it to anyone who wants to meet people generally.

If you search up Lindy Hop on youtube, you'll get an idea.

I had the same feeling and I was married, with children. As someone said its a mid-life crisis. I don't think it's about being single it's about the reality of adult life not meeting your younger expectations.

Yes I've felt this. When I was married and then when I left him at 35.

But for me the feeling was not because of lack of a relationship but because I Wanted to be a singer when I was younger so I went back to singing.

Yes exactly that in my late 20s.
What you can do is invest your time in your career, your home, your interests. At least then you will have led a good life whether or not a partner comes along.

I sympathise, I remember watching everyone else meet and marry and thinking why not me.

I think everyone goes through this at some point for their own reasons and the important thing is to be grateful for what you do have than wallow over the things you don't have.
I am lucky to have found my partner and had a child by 30. BUT I still have regrets due to living in poverty growing up and through my 20s. I didn't travel, indulge in hobbies and interests or develop myself personally so now that I'm in a relationship and have DC I sometimes wonder when I'll be able to do any of those things.
Where as all my close friends of the same age are all childless, living it up with seemingly endless amounts of spending money and free time.
They pine after marriage and kids and I pine after travel and excitement. Crucially we are all grateful and make the most of what we do have because you never know when it'll change for good or bad.

A better question would be: has anyone reached that age and NOT felt that way? And the answer would be no.

But I feel you on the OLD thing - it is only option but it is literally the worst.

Again, usually comes from people in relationships who are never part of these clubs they speak of grin

Ain't that the truth!

Unhelpful married person: Oh you should join clubs! Go to meet ups. Oh it sounds wonderful. I wish I could.
Single person: Why don't you join then?
Married person: Hell no! That sounds boring and annoying.

TBF I met dh because I joined a political party.

I read your OP, and find myself wishing I could get you to meet my brother!

I'm approaching 40 OP and I feel similar to this, questioning how my life has turned out but in a totally different way. I'm questioning my relationship, having kids and my "career" (ie the job I do to suit everyone else before me!).

Honestly, I would love to be single again with no responsibilities. Stop listening to the patronising people telling you to do online dating, Mr perfect is around the corner etc. Instead go out there and enjoy your life.

Stop listening to the patronising people telling you to do online dating, Mr perfect is around the corner etc. Instead go out there and enjoy your life

Excuse me? OP has said herself she wants a partner, so it’s hardly patronising advice. What’s more patronising is telling her to do hobbies etc.

Definitely can relate to this. Think it's putting pressure on yourself as well. Seeing everyone around you having children, in happy relationships,marriage etc and having none of those. Daft but you do compare or I have compared.

@Fatted how is it patronising to suggest online dating? I met DH that way and, unlike you apparently, am very happy.

Well, tbh, it's equally 'patronising' to suggest hobbies and online dating.

Hobbies etc are the 'traditional' way of meeting someone and online dating is the 'modern' way of meeting someone.

People can have success at either. Or not. Equally. There aren't really many other options besides meeting someone at work (which many people wouldn't want to do anyway) or asking a friend to matchmake for you. Which, I'd have thought, is the most patronising way of all.

There are advantages and disadvantages to both, surely.