Did anyone get to their late 20s/ early 30s and almost hit a sort of grief that your life hadn't turned out the way you thought?

[RachelBeing30]

I'm in a bit of a rough patch just now and being single is really part of it for me.

I always thought being in a relationship would just happen, that I'd meet someone at uni or at work and just hit it off. I have no delusions about my own attractiveness and I'd rather someone made me laugh than was 6'2 anyway.

I've had a great social life and I've done a bit of travelling with friends and a relationship has just not fallen into place for me like it seems to have done for everyone else. I'm just so sad. I'm watching all my friends drift into coupledom, mortgages, wedding planning and parenthood and I feel like I'm invisible or in this glass box watching.

I've been trying OLD and truthfully it's the worst thing I've ever done, yet it's the only way I've ever had a date.

.....just say positive, your still young! Young enough to take a few years finding Mr.Right xxx

The platitudes are not helpful. I don’t have any suggestions but can only say that I understand and truly sympathise. The rest of my life is “perfect” but I’m suicidal through loneliness. It’s been years since anyone told me they loved me.

I try to appreciate the sentiment behind the platitudes, but the amount of times I've heard that Mr. Right is around the corner.... Mr Right has a fucking shit sense of direction (see also: will meet him when I least expect to).

I'm so sorry Sonata

There is an app called meetup. Its not a dating site, it is an app to find different things to do.... you are more likely to find better people and new friends using this way. Dating sites are rubbish... they work for some people but very few.
I felt exactly the same when i turned 30. Don't stress, it'll get better. & try meetup, it's really good

I think people mean well, but it’s easy for them to say it when they’ve already met “Mr Right” or they’re genuinely happy single. I wish I could reach either of those states but it seems impossible.

I'm a fair bit older than you - mid 30s.
I can say that loneliness really is a killer.
I'd love to wind back in time.

I could have written this! It literally feels like everyone is settled and it’s jist passed you by! Such a shit feeling.

The worst for me is when people say you need to love yourself before anyone can love you/you’ll be happy in a relationship! Drives me mad...always people in relationships who say it and it’s crazy because it’s fine to feel sad and feel unhappy when you want a relationship but you’re not in one. Another one is ‘get a hobby’ or ‘join a club.’ I get that it’s trying to be constructive but joining a netball club or running group doesn’t magic a partner and the suggestion almost makes you feel like you’re not with someone because you’re boring and have no interests. Again, usually comes from people in relationships who are never part of these clubs they speak of (That’s not to say it wouldn’t work or be a good way to meet someone, it just isn’t for me!)

There’s no magic fix but just wanted to say I understand. The other thing I would say is that eventually it does happen for most people who want it even if it takes longer than you hoped. Also, what I have come to realise is that a LOT of people in relationships are not happy and what it looks like from the outside is not always the reality. For that reason I try and remember that life is still good alone and there’s lots of plus points to it, even if on balance you’d chose a relationship.

As for online dating, I hear that you simply have to keep at it. It’s shit though, I totally agree! xx

Yes, I agree people do mean well. I'd be very hurt if they were brutally honest after all!

I'm worried that I am getting too fixated on a relationship and I'll never be happy single. But I just don't want to be single.

OP I don’t think there’s anything wrong wanting to be in a relationship more than you want to be single.

I am happy on my own...I enjoy my life. But would I be happier in a nice relationship? Yes. Because that’s what I want from life. It makes me sad it hasn’t happened yet.

As tough as it is, you have to date and at the same time try and be calm about it (I’m not always good at this by a LONG way!). But really, it will happen when it happens and you may as well try and get the most out of life in the meantime.

There is no such thing as a magical Mr Right, or a "one and only"

We are sold these myths about love that are unhelpful.

I would forget about meeting a man, and focus on the amazing things you can do on your ow. You can go and spend time abroad, travel, get into exciting time consuming hobbies

Then, just as you're heading off to Tibet to teach English to monks, you'll meet someone nice, and realise you'd actually rather go to Tibet (this happened to a friend of mine)

Just live your own life, marriage and kids is not the only way to live

solitude if someone really wants marriage and kids though, surely that should be acknowledged and accepted?

It’s almost like telling someone who doesn’t want that, that they should....which would be absurd.

Yes, fair enough, it's just that you cannot force love, I think?

I only met my partner once I gave up looking for "a serious boyfriend" and decided to be more carefree and have a one night stand that I actually ended up.... with a serious boyfriend.

It's easier to find love when you're carefree and not looking "for the one", by having other things going on

Obv that's just my view

It's like happiness, the more you chase it, the harder it is to know what it actually looks like

I have absolutely no interest in going to Tibet and neither the money nor time to do so.

As tough as it is, you have to date and at the same time try and be calm about it
I veer between thinking that I need to delete the apps because they mess with my head and then realising that they are the only way for me to meet men.

Yes but in a different way. I'm married but poor and it's really difficult. My expectations of life were much higher than this and it seems to have worked out for all of my friends except me.
So if you're living comfortably I am envious if you.
However a pithy little quote resonated with me today so I'll share it in case it resonates with you "the grass isn't greener on the other side, it's greener where you water it'

solitude that’s true, I suppose once you stop expecting it to suddenly appear/waiting for it, then you’re happier generally because you don’t feel constantly reminded of something you’re ‘missing out’ on.

I think you’ve got to be happy with your day to day life, even if that means the odd cry here and there because you want a relationship. Don’t put anything on hold for it OP...get your own mortgage if you can, make sure you travel to wherever you want to go etc. Xx

I am not sure it's going to help you, but I will tell you anyway. When I was 33/ 34 I had the worst summer of my life. The lowest ever. I was married with the most gorgeous daughter ever, trying for baby number 2, doing okay job wise with an interesting part time job. I didn't just seemingly had it all. I did have it all. But I felt like in the title of this thread. Why have I settled? Why didn't I travel when I was you younger ? Did I miss out? Am I trapped?
So maybe you are onto something. Maybe we do hit a certain age (early thirties for example) and look back and feel really disappointed that we haven't done the things we thought we'd do ( I thought I would have a really well paid job, that I would have travelled the world, that I would have partied...)
I am now nearly 40, I have another child, still married to the same lovely bloke, and I now get great satisfaction from my job.
I can't advise on finding someone. I guess clichés are clichés for a reason. It is true that you are young. It is true that you can be perfectly happy and fulfilled on your own - I have two amazing friends who are happy being single and kid-free. It is true that it can happen when you least expect it.
I guess all I can say is, make the most of your freedom. I suspect it won't last, and you will love that new life. But you will look back and think that being on your own and doing what the fuck you liked was great.
I hope you feel more positive soon. I know it can be tough xx

noone I love that quote!

OP how does online dating mess with your head?

I would always speak to someone on the phone before meeting. That’s just my way and isn’t necessarily the right way. But it has seemed to help me only meet people that I felt comfortable with.

OP how does online dating mess with your head?

It makes me feel so inadequate. I'm not a looker and I'm no good at small talk so any matches I get seem to fizzle out.

I have a good job and my own mortgage. I just want someone to share it with.

@RachelBeing30
I was you. I was 29, had been single practically my entire adult life. Never met 'that' person at school, uni or work.

Watched as friends settled down and had kids. Used to cry my eyes out wondering what I had done to deserve my shit life. Thought I would be married with at least 1 kid by 30.

Then I met DH through match.com. I'm now 36, been married almost 5 years and have DS aged 2 (who I had to have via IVF - something else I feel is bitterly unfair but that's another thread)

I appreciate it's easy for me to say all this now given my position but I can honestly, honestly sympathise. Don't give up on the online dating. Use a reputable site and be clear about what you want.

I think most people do feel like this

Maybe try Bumble dating app? It's designed to filter out the knobheads.

Honestly, I've tried Match, Tinder and Bumble and generally saw the same faces over and over again. I did like Bumble the best.

The grief and regret about an inadequate or unexpected life is called a mid life crisis. It's the butt of a lot of jokes but actually it has quite serious psychological implications.

The truth is that very few people live the charmed life they expect or deserve. I am a little older than you and had everything you think will make you happy, until xh cheated and that was the end of that. I know so many people in unhappy marriages, cheating, divorced. I know people struggling with serious ill health, infertility, job loss, poverty, bereavement. I'm not aiming for competitive misery but everyone around you that you're envious of is probably struggling with something - or will do.

I understand that you don't want platitudes or advice because you've already tried everything so I'm not sure what else there is, just a space to sound off or find people going through similar I guess. But there are really only two choices - acceptance or keep plugging away. Online dating is a numbers game, and you've got plenty of time yet.

I hear Hinge is the cool site these days if you haven’t tried that one?

I hope you find what you’re looking for but while you’re looking make sure to work on and treasure your friendships - romantic relationships aren’t everything and plenty of people with them but with few/no friends still feel lonely.