Sexless Marriage - at a loss of what to do.

[daffydowndilys]

This is going to be rambling!! Medals for those to get to the end!! 🏅

So I've been in a (mostly)sexless marriage for 13 years.

Sex dwindled rapidly a few months before we got married. We didn't have sex on our wedding night. Only had sex once on our honeymoon because I made a bit of a fuss about it.

We might have a flurry of sex for a night or 2 every 5 or 6 months.

It has now got to the point where even when he has recently initiated it, I just can't be bothered because it feels so forced and unnatural for us.

We have had one or 2 weekends away together and it's been nice and we have had sext during those times. I have initiated/planned and paid for these weekends. Never any effort from him in this regard, to arrange plan etc ever!

We have discussed it in the past, he has said that we have just got out of the routine etc, life gets in ten way etc. Things may improve for a few days and then nothing.

DH runs his own business but not a very successful one. He just about manages to pay the mortgage each month but that's it. I earn more than him and pay for everything else, I have paid for work on the house/garden, this has probably equated to thousands etc.

He is a truly lovely genuine guy, lovey dad etc.

Doesn't do much around the house unless asked to. Not a DIY man at all. I have to pay to get everything done.

I have just got to the point where It feels like he is a flat mate and not a husband. A lovely flat mate, but only a flat mate.

I want more from him, I want him to try to run his business better, to bring more money into the household, to have a desire for me as a woman/wife. To want for us to be better together.

I have no self esteem, which I'm sure is due to not being desired by my own husband.

I hear a lot from my friends about how they are fed up about their husbands/partners bothering them for sex all the time and think -if only!

I just don't know what to do next. I don't want to ruin our little family because of it. I feel dirty for feeling down that sex is no longer in my life. Surely it's a basic instinct?? We are meant to feel that way?

I'm so sorry to ramble, I'm having a down day. Most days I can put it all behind me and smile.

How old are you both?

Early 40s

Imagine a future where things don't get any better sexually, would you be able to stay in the relationship ?

He is a truly lovely genuine guy, lovey dad etc.

Doesn't do much around the house unless asked to. Not a DIY man at all. I have to pay to get everything done.

These two statements are incompatible.

Be brutally honest with yourself. Other than what you want him to be like as a husband and father, what is he actually like? How does he live his love for you?

But there's a part of me that makes me feel wrong for missing sex. That it's not worth breaking up my family for lack of sex.

How much is your mortgage? Is he really happy earning so little? Is he just really a guy who needs a manager, rather than to work on his own?

You do have to think into the future and consider whether you want another 40 years of this. He's not going to suddenly rediscover his sex drive in 20 years' time, is he?

At 40 he's not likely to change for the better.

It will probably get slowly worse. If he doesn't keep active in all aspects of his life he will settle down and finally end up sinking in a corner of the sofa.

He truly is a great father, much better than I am a mother definitely.

I think he is just too passive. Never plans anything, rarely has much of an opinion on any thing we do.

I book and plan all holidays - and pay for them too.

There is not a bad bone in his body. He is the kindest man I know. i just wish he wanted to rip my clothes off and pin me against a wall

He is quite active, he runs and goes to fitness classes.

The thing is that to have a successful business you need a bit of get up and go, and that's really what he's lacking, isn't it? It's affecting him at work and within your marriage.

What was he like when you first met him? Did he initiate anything then?

What does he actually do as a father which makes him so much better than you?

It sounds like you do all the actual work of running a home, paying bills and organising activities. Have I missed something and he does all the cooking and cleaning, the homework, parent evenings and doctor visits?

Its easy to be Mr Fun when it's all done for you.

Yes we had quite a good sex life before we got married.

You might want to reclaim some initiative and see how he reacts.

Go to the movies with friends, see friends for drinks, etc... leave the door open to him coming along.

He is a better father in that he has so much more patience than me, is able to spend more time with her has he is at home more than me.

I do go and do things with friends.

I just feel sad that he never takes any initiative to do anything special with me.

He can work out a plan to train for a marathon but he can't plan a weekend away or a night out by organising childcare etc.

I get ratty with him for being a bit crap, then he gets shirty with me for being ratty with him.

We don't really argue, he's too passive to argue.

But things are starting to just not feel right. It feels like we just don't make each other happy.

You can reason that he needs to change to make you feel happier.

The problem is that if he procrastinated you need to send him one or more ultimatums (but you need to be prepared to follow through).

If not, you need to settle for a just ok rest of your life.

He is a better father in that he has so much more patience than me

Do you think he'll be as patient with the kids if/when he has to take on all the boring jobs in his own household? When he isn't fully facilitated in his life, by you?

Do you think you will be quite as IMpatient, if/when you no longer have everything mundane (including organising his life) resting on your shoulders?

Do you think he's a better parent than you because- and hear me out- you're more 'depressed'? The thing about a sexless marriage is that it's not even the sex you're missing, it's the overwhelming loneliness that just sits there like stagnant water. It may be still. But it's not harmless. The damage is invisible but deeply harmful.
It's hard to be a great parent when you're feeling shut down, shut up, and shelved. Sadness dominates everything and it colours how we parent. I think it is very unlikely that this situation will improve.

I was in your frame of mind until about four years ago. Now I'm just waiting for our eldest to go to university before I make the move towards divorce. Ironically, I don't miss sex. I don't think I ever want to be in another relationship. But I feel resentful that I've spent prime years collecting dust and not enjoying being wanted and loved. The rejection sucks. I can say that I think now, I hate my DH for this. I don't hate all of him. But I hate him for shelving me and expecting me to ok with this. And in a way, I have been 'ok'. I am the mug here.

I suppose the one 'plus' in your marriage is that your DH is a nice person. That helps buffer the sadness you feel. But it won't be enough to get you through, OP. You sort of have to decide: Is this enough? Because, I think, this is it. This is how it will be. And this has to be enough or not at all.

I could have written that post exactly word for word - I stayed for 18 years and it slowly turned me into a bitter angry woman .. I booked all the holidays,instigated any home improvements - even had to instigate cutting the grass And although he did 50/50 physically it was exhausting to the point where I simply didn't bother as why should he reap the benefits when he couldn't put equal effort in ... We had the same rows over and over again ending in him promising to change but of Course that never happened .
Finally spilt up in November & yes it's been tough at times but I've started dating and having great sex and anything house wise is done by me for me and the kids - he's still a great dad and I'm not dealing with facilitating his life anymore !

The thing about a sexless marriage is that it's not even the sex you're missing, it's the overwhelming loneliness that just sits there like stagnant water. It may be still. But it's not harmless. The damage is invisible but deeply harmful.
It's hard to be a great parent when you're feeling shut down, shut up, and shelved. Sadness dominates everything and it colours how we parent. I think it is very unlikely that this situation will improve

This is absolutely spot on.

Not all men are good at organising.
Yes some can surprise you with a weekend away ti Paris but if he's happy to follow your lead then at least you get to go where you want.
As for the sex.
It is completely normal for husband and wife to want and enjoy sex together.
It's fun and keeps the marriage bond strong.
It is difficult when life, work and kids get in the way, but it's a really really important part of marriage.
You don't have to be swinging from the chandeliers every night but this closeness is something you only share with your partner and is very special.

Please don't feel guilty about your desires.

I know it's not romantic but sometimes you just have to pencil it in your diary 'Monday 7.30 - be intimate with dh :)

The problem is also that I feel that because this has gone on I don't feel I want to have sex with him anymore. That ship seems to have sailed purely because I'm not desired by him.

It just feels such a massive step for us to split.

I work in property and have recently been seeing myself in some lovely little flats on my own or with my daughter.

That's been us, I've put up with it, blamed it on Prozac (him), work stress etc but recently he's decided I'm the reason and he's leaving me. Think about it, don't just put off the inevitable if you aren't happy. Some people can live without, or have an "arrangement" but you are younger than me, we have around half our lives left, no need for rash decisions but lots to think about

Sorry but that sounds shit, and I say that as one in a sexless marriage myself except neither of us cares nor misses it. How old are the kids? Personally I'd start weighing up the financial pros and cons of splitting or waiting till the kids are grown and the house paid off.