Sexless Marriage - at a loss of what to do.

[daffydowndilys]

This is going to be rambling!! Medals for those to get to the end!! 🏅

So I've been in a (mostly)sexless marriage for 13 years.

Sex dwindled rapidly a few months before we got married. We didn't have sex on our wedding night. Only had sex once on our honeymoon because I made a bit of a fuss about it.

We might have a flurry of sex for a night or 2 every 5 or 6 months.

It has now got to the point where even when he has recently initiated it, I just can't be bothered because it feels so forced and unnatural for us.

We have had one or 2 weekends away together and it's been nice and we have had sext during those times. I have initiated/planned and paid for these weekends. Never any effort from him in this regard, to arrange plan etc ever!

We have discussed it in the past, he has said that we have just got out of the routine etc, life gets in ten way etc. Things may improve for a few days and then nothing.

DH runs his own business but not a very successful one. He just about manages to pay the mortgage each month but that's it. I earn more than him and pay for everything else, I have paid for work on the house/garden, this has probably equated to thousands etc.

He is a truly lovely genuine guy, lovey dad etc.

Doesn't do much around the house unless asked to. Not a DIY man at all. I have to pay to get everything done.

I have just got to the point where It feels like he is a flat mate and not a husband. A lovely flat mate, but only a flat mate.

I want more from him, I want him to try to run his business better, to bring more money into the household, to have a desire for me as a woman/wife. To want for us to be better together.

I have no self esteem, which I'm sure is due to not being desired by my own husband.

I hear a lot from my friends about how they are fed up about their husbands/partners bothering them for sex all the time and think -if only!

I just don't know what to do next. I don't want to ruin our little family because of it. I feel dirty for feeling down that sex is no longer in my life. Surely it's a basic instinct?? We are meant to feel that way?

I'm so sorry to ramble, I'm having a down day. Most days I can put it all behind me and smile.

Well that's what happens. I am there. I don't even want sex. Yet it's my sexless marriage, the not having sex and the missing it, that has gotten me to this sad place. I am actually repelled by my husband, a feeling I didn't have two years ago. We are 5 years into a totally 100% haven't-touched-each other sexless marriage. Before that it was once every few months. I don't think I ever want sex again.
Thanks 'D'H for killing that off.

If the love, desire, and respect isn't there, how can the sex be? Year after year of wondering, when's it coming back? Maybe on this holiday, we'll find the magic again. Maybe not. There's a flogged horse everyone's stepping over. You can't ignore the death of the marital bed. It is depressing as fuck, I know.
We recently booked our holiday back to a regular house we rent every couple of years and you know what I thought? We've never had sex there and we never will.
I too have my fantasies when I look up at the windows of the flats surrounding the park where I walk the dog and I think, "I could see myself just breathing inside there... just laying down on a big bed and finally exhaling!" I can actually visualise the dust coming off me like an old rug being beaten in fresh air whenever I imagine myself in a flat with just the kids.
If not now, when?

Some of these posts are really hitting home

I bet you'd be a lot more patient with your children if you didn't have to do all the mental effort in your life, all the planning, organising, earning. This crap wears you out and your lovely partner is taking the piss.

i am sorry, OP... but you probably realise yourself that after these many years he will not change his personality. And he will never be the driven person you want him to be.
All of the rest probably stems from that.
There may have been better sex at the beginning because he made everything effort to do what’s expected. Then he just reverted to how he actually is....

Not many choices here. Stay and try to be happy with what you have?
Get secret parallel life?
Leave?

I think I could be happy without the sex if he was more of a man in other ways.

I would hope that if it was the other way around and I lost my sex drive I wouldn't want him to think less of me.

I just feel it's compacted by so many things that he offers me nothing at all in this marriage.

Op. He may be a lovely man, but you want a husband that as you say desires you. Sex is he ntimacy that binds (and holds) you together and what you have found is totally natural that it is corrosive on your marriage. Very few relationships can survive it.

You are not being selfish but you want a relationship that includes a lover and feel desired, not like a best friend. You know really what the outlook is and what you need to do but it is your decision

All,the best with it

There are sexless marriages and relationships that totally work. And people do go through times where sex just isn't on the menu. And I think almost everyone is understanding of this, despite the stuff we read in forums and in agony aunt columns.

I think the thing about your situation and mine, OP is that they just.don't.give.a.fuck.
Can't be bothered to 'do', to initiate ANYTHING. It's not even just sex. But please, boils some pasta. Feed the dog. Do something!
If DH has to actually join his wife, children, and dog on a 30 minute walk (which is practically never), I get petty one-sided bickering in the car on the way there, snide comments, and then he sits on a bench and doesn't talk to us until close to the end when he sort of cheers up. Then it's back home and into his little man-cave where he goes to do whatever he does (I am no longer even interested in knowing what it is he does).

Don't get to my place. Seriously. My bitterness ties me up in knots. How did I get it SO wrong? Thank heavens for the kids. They're my tonic.

*boil... no s.
Sorry for my typos!

It's ok to want to be in a relationship where the man actually wants to have sex. You don't need to apologize or feel bad about this. Really, without the sexual aspect it's a friendship, which is fine, but only if both partners are on board with this. Many many women would be unhappy in this type of relationship.

Don't feel dirty for wanting sex, it's natural and healthy, and it helps to bind two people together in their relationship.

YANBU.

Sexless marriages to my mind only work if both parties are equally happy with it. These men have decided unilaterally not to have sex for their own reasons or equally they do not want to have sex with you.

In your case (and in reference to Vanguardsix I would urge you to separate from him sooner rather than later and certainly before the kids go to university) you are not and that is ok.

You only have to give your own selves permission to leave your respective husbands. I would also think it a given that neither man here has ever really talked to either of you about the lack of sex within the marriage. It makes me think that both these males here have real problems with intimacy.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning from the two of you here?. You would not want them to have a relationship like this so why is it seemingly good enough for you. What are you getting out of this relationship now?. A nice house counts for nothing if your marriage is to all intents and purposes dead in the water.

Tbh, it's been so long since I had a decent shag I've probably forgotten how to do it. I sometimes miss the affection, but oh, well, can't see anything ever getting better but know it can get a whole lot worse.

In your case there's a chance you can one day move on from this relationship.

Your situation has some parallels with my own; when our children were young I was the main breadwinner and also did quite a bit of the parenting, housework etc whilst my wife tried to set up businesses that invariably failed to live up to her expectations and produced little or no income. I can understand your frustration and your feeling that your husband is not pulling his weight in the relationship.

But there isn't one important difference between my situation as it was and yours as it is now - despite our problems there has always been a strong sexual attraction between us and even when times were bad we continued to have sex regularly. I doubt we would have stayed together had we not done so. Other problems somehow seem less important in the satisfied afterglow when you have done the deed. So my advice would be to try to revive that aspect of your relationship. You will probably need to take the initiative to start with, and hopefully once your DH remembers how good sex can be he will regain his desire and confidence. At your age he's well young enough and he's missing out on a great deal of enjoyment.

Good luck.

He is the man he is. He may change a little but it doesn't sound like he sees the need or wants to. He is a good father but not a dynamic provider. It is not a strong failing. But if he is not who you want then you are responsible for doing something about it. You cannot blame him for your decision to stay.

I would say the sex issue is now mutual and is not a case of just shutting the stable door. You both had 13 years to do something about it and now neither of you care.

Lemon has a point. It sounds like he was never into sex anyhow. I married a man like this, no affection, foreplay, snuggles afterwards, snuggles or handholding ever. I knew it, I did it because I was desperate and wanted a baby. So in a way, I made my bed. This difference is that at this point other than a few fleeting fantasies I'm no longer bothered.

But you're not going to get much change because this is who he is.

Agree with other posters, I'm in a sex less marriage too.

Unfortunately my partner has been diagnosed with a lifelong illness that is likely going to turn me into a carer at some point, we also have primary age DCs. I'd planned on leaving when they were older, this is unlikely to be an option now. Make your choice before you hand is forced by fate.

@Keepithidden No! Don't do that. If it does turn out that we only have one life, it's totally pointless and a complete waste for you to spend it doing nothing for yourself. Caring is hard enough when you adore the person you're caring for.

Don't waste the gift of being alive, leave sooner rather than later if you want to distance yourself from the illness and leaving.

I was in a sexless marriage. He was depressed/tired/stressed/detached. Turned out he was gay. We’re both much happier with other people.

Is there a chance he is gay?

I'm curious that every month he managed to make enough to pay the mortgage and not much more. It seems convenient. As if he works to cover the mortgage then his motivation for anything over and above that just isn't there. It's the bare minimum.