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Original poster

Am I a rubbish GF?

44 replies

CloCloClo · 15/06/2019 07:47

My DP/BF is currently buying a house. This house is a complete wreck and will need lots of work done to it to get it habitable. It’s starting to look like it’s going to be unmortgageable.

My problem is that he is obsessing about this house and has done for the past few months. Every day he talks about it to me for hours and I’m starting to feel exhausted.

He isn’t sleeping properly and isn’t eating properly. He’s been really down this past week so I told him on Monday that I’d booked us something on Friday night to cheer him up.

I had booked a table at our favourite restaurant but five minutes after we needed to leave he said that he wasn’t in the mood to go out and told me to cancel.

I had gone to a lot of effort in terms of getting ready and had been looking forward to a nice quiet and relaxing evening together. I just feel so disappointed that we can’t even spend any time together doing normal things other than sitting in the house. I was even going to pay so no worries re finances for him.

I’m trying to support him with the house purchase but I’m not sure how much more I can take. It’s like he’s been taken over by a robot. When I explained my disappointment he said he was sorry but that he didn’t want to sit being miserable in a restaurant all night.

Has anyone else been in this situation or have any tips to handle this. I’d really appreciate any help, as I’m at a bit of a loss really.

Thanks. Smile

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 15/06/2019 07:50

I presume he has mortgage approval? Why is he trying to buy a house the bank doesn't want to touch? Surely that will stop the purchase dead in the water anyway?

Lefty1 · 15/06/2019 07:52

How long have you been together op?
Have you spoken to him about how you are feeling?

Original poster
CloCloClo · 15/06/2019 07:52

He has a decision in principle. He has had a survey done and it recommended further structural investigations. From this further structural report, it isn’t looking good. However, he doesn’t seem to be accepting of this and is now going to get a second opinion.

OP posts:
WhiteDust · 15/06/2019 07:54

He sounds stressed. Why is he so set on buying this house?

Original poster
CloCloClo · 15/06/2019 07:54

@lefty1 I have tried to speak to him. He just says ‘imagine how I feel then, as I’m the one buying it’.

He doesn’t really seem to understand why it is affecting me. When I told him I was finding it a bit exhausting having the same conversation over and over again, he said that was his way of dealing with it and it would make him feel better if i would just listen to him.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 15/06/2019 07:56

He sounds like a rubbish boyfriend to be honest

You did a nice thing, I’d be disappointed too. What’s he like when you need support??

Original poster
CloCloClo · 15/06/2019 07:56

@WhiteDust he is definitely stressed. He thinks the house is a once in a lifetime chance to own a dream house.

OP posts:
Original poster
CloCloClo · 15/06/2019 07:58

@RainbowQueeen the only time I’ve been through a bad patch since we’ve been together was when my father died. He wasn’t great to be honest. However, that was very early days in our relationship.

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 15/06/2019 07:59

It’s not a dream home if it’s so structurally unsound it’s going to fall down around his ears...

Dieu · 15/06/2019 08:00

He's acting like someone put a gun to his head to buy it, when it was his choice entirely.
The whole martyr thing would get on my nerves. I think you have to have a 'no house chat' rule when you see him, at least for part of the time.

Original poster
CloCloClo · 15/06/2019 08:01

@PotteringAlong I know - I’ve told him this but he is single mindedly ploughing on with this. He has said he is determined to exhaust every avenue before giving up.

His latest thing is that the surveyors have deliberately been spiteful and pointed out faults outside of the scope of the agreed work in order to prevent him purchasing it.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 15/06/2019 08:04

Yeah cos surveyors get really personally involved like that....Hmm

He sounds extremely self absorbed. It would put me right off. How long are you together? I presume you're not living together and there's no plan for you to move into this dump?

Happinessbegins · 15/06/2019 08:05

He sounds obsessed and I don’t see why you have to be supportive if he is going on about it and you don’t approve of what he’s doing anyway. I’d be backing off until he calms down or finds he can’t actually go through with it.

Original poster
CloCloClo · 15/06/2019 08:10

We have actually been together for a few years. We don’t live together but have talked about it. I wouldn’t be averse to living together but I cannot listen to any more about this house.

He is effectively putting his life on hold for it.

OP posts:
Plexie · 15/06/2019 08:12

How long have you known him and does he have a history of mental health issues?

He seems to have an irrational fixation with buying this house. And not eating properly - is that just stress or is he depressed?

If this is a LTR and this is the first time he's been like this then you probably just need to ride it out. But if you haven't know him long it may be an indication of his general personality and I would be wary in case it arises again.

Isatis · 15/06/2019 08:21

This is really strange. Does he have form for these types of fixations? I'd worry that, if he does buy it, he's going to bankrupt himself trying to put it right and he'll continue obsessing about that.

he said that was his way of dealing with it and it would make him feel better if i would just listen to him.

Does he have any understanding that "just listening" to him obsessing about this for hours on end doesn't make you feel better?

ChristmasFluff · 15/06/2019 08:25

There are literally millions of houses in the world and only one you. He's a rubbish boyfriend, and he is choosing to make his life shit. Don't let him drag you into this ridiculous mess.

He needs to understand this house is ruining his life already, and he hasn't even bought it. Allow him to imagine doing it without having you to take out his bad moods on. And if he doesn't buck up his ideas, make that a reality.

Equalityumber · 15/06/2019 08:25

It sounds like he’s in a relationship with the house! Is he prone to obsessing over things? He’s not thinking about your feelings at all and frankly I would give him an ultimatum.

Original poster
CloCloClo · 15/06/2019 08:26

He has always been a bit odd I suppose. He has always gone to extremes with whatever his current pet project is. However it’s never been this bad before.

I have asked him if he thinks he might be depressed but he says no.

He knows that I find it exhausting but doesn’t seem to care. He acknowledges that he is going on and on, is quiet for about half an hour and then starts again.

OP posts:
RiversDisguise · 15/06/2019 08:29

Ffs ditch him, what a joyless existence

Plexie · 15/06/2019 08:33

Well, in answer to your original question, no you're not a rubbish girlfriend. He, on the other hand...

Short term fixations on new hobbies etc is one thing (I do it myself) but his lack of concern about its effect on you is not good. Presumably he has some redeeming qualities?

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 15/06/2019 08:33

I'm not sure this is even about the house, actually. That's the current vehicle for obsession, but if it wasn't that it would be something else.
This is showing you a side of his personality that is unacceptable/worrying to you.
Do you really want to proceed? (With him, not the house!)

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/06/2019 08:41

CloCloClo

I have to look at you also in all this; why are you with him?. You may well love him but love itself is not enough.

This man is obsessive (for now its this wreak of a house that he is set on buying) and unsupportive; he was also neither of any real help or ornament to you when your dad died. Is this really all you expect from a relationship?. Because it really should not be.

Original poster
CloCloClo · 15/06/2019 08:46

@Attilathemeerkat I’m actually seeing a counsellor at the moment.

She thinks I have formed an attachment at a time when my father was very ill and subsequently died. And that I relate the two.

I did kind of just fall into a relationship with him and if I’m honest it’s bev been brilliant. It’s been good and I’m not sure if that’s enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
CloCloClo · 15/06/2019 08:47

It hasn’t been brilliant. Sorry typo

OP posts:
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