Am I a rubbish GF?

[CloCloClo]

My DP/BF is currently buying a house. This house is a complete wreck and will need lots of work done to it to get it habitable. It’s starting to look like it’s going to be unmortgageable.

My problem is that he is obsessing about this house and has done for the past few months. Every day he talks about it to me for hours and I’m starting to feel exhausted.

He isn’t sleeping properly and isn’t eating properly. He’s been really down this past week so I told him on Monday that I’d booked us something on Friday night to cheer him up.

I had booked a table at our favourite restaurant but five minutes after we needed to leave he said that he wasn’t in the mood to go out and told me to cancel.

I had gone to a lot of effort in terms of getting ready and had been looking forward to a nice quiet and relaxing evening together. I just feel so disappointed that we can’t even spend any time together doing normal things other than sitting in the house. I was even going to pay so no worries re finances for him.

I’m trying to support him with the house purchase but I’m not sure how much more I can take. It’s like he’s been taken over by a robot. When I explained my disappointment he said he was sorry but that he didn’t want to sit being miserable in a restaurant all night.

Has anyone else been in this situation or have any tips to handle this. I’d really appreciate any help, as I’m at a bit of a loss really.

Thanks.

Do you like the smell of burning martyr OP?
Because if you stay with this guy it’s going to be in your nostrils for the rest of your life.

He'll be like this with everything he ever does. Moping about stressful times at work or broken boilers for example. He sounds so selfish I couldn't be with him.

"She thinks I have formed an attachment at a time when my father was very ill and subsequently died. And that I relate the two".

That is very likely.

What are you getting out of this relationship now, what is in this still for you?. And it probably relates to the above point.

Do also think about what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up.

You are not a rubbish gf flo, but this man is really dragging you down with him.

It's not just the obsessive behaviour, he's irrational too. To think that other's are deliberately lying on official documents just to stop HIM buying the house? Wtf? Unless they are trying to buy the house themselves, and that would be a conflict of interest that could cost them this jobs, that's not logical!

How is he about other areas? Does he blame others for everything? His bosses for not getting promotions? His teachers for not doing well in exams? You for his stress because you don't submit to his obsessive ranting? His parents for never believing in him? Etc etc.

House buying is stressful, but to be all consumed by it to such an extent you can't go out to dinner is really concerning.

He's obsessive, irrational, selfish and unsupportive. Do feel that if you don't 'submit' and help fix/support/give unconditional love to him that you've somehow failed or lost? Is he personally what you are attached to or is it 'another relationship' that you fear losing?

He doesn’t seem irrational in other areas of his life. I’m going to have the weekend to myself.

Sorry, I don’t know where the rest of my message went.

I am very grateful for all the advice and support you have given me. It is clear that we can’t continue like this.

Op, take a look on OCD symptoms and think if they ring true

No you definitely can't. The thing is, even if he gets the house, once he's got it the next obsession will be doing it up. Which will take years, exhaust all his resources and time, and you'll be his sounding board. Then once that's finished it will be something else. Obsessive personality types don't change, they just move on to the next thing. He'd have to have some sparkling plus points for anyone to want to hang around for any length of time! How old are you by the way? Has he mentioned you moving in together? And what are you getting from this relationship?

I don’t think you are compatible, you want different things in life.

He wants to buy this house and spend years doing it up. It will be like it is just now, only 10 times worse as he will spend all his free time and money on it. Your role will be to listen to him talk about it or perhaps even work on his house with him. You will be an unpaid labourer and therapist .

You want to go out for meals, have a a social life and do fun things together.

Neither of you are right or wrong , you are just totally different.

You need to end this , but I think you know this already.

I’m 35. He’s 45. We have discussed moving in together but we have complicated lives.

Plus I enjoy my own space and need somewhere to retreat every so often.

I’m not getting much out of this relationship. I know that. It’s just getting worse.

Sadly op I think you’ve answered your own question with your last update. Good enough is not a reason to spend the rest of your life with him. There needs to be a spark- something.

“When I told him I was finding it a bit exhausting having the same conversation over and over again, he said that was his way of dealing with it and it would make him feel better if i would just listen to him.”

This is what sets alarm bells ringing for me. It’s utterly selfish and shows he is in the grip of a disproportionate fixation. Why on earth would you, or indeed anyone, wish to provide an inexhaustible audience for his obsession? How self-centred can you fucking be?!

Honestly, I couldn’t be entertaining this at all. What he is asking of you is really unfair. Remove yourself from it until he can come back into himself and behave.

sorry but that he didn’t want to sit being miserable in a restaurant all night

Yeah well sorry but I don't want to sit miserable in a relationship with a depressive sod for the rest of my life.

He knows that I find it exhausting but doesn’t seem to care

Of course he doesn't, he's an energy vampire and he is sucking you dry.

I say you need to do one of two things - 1. Break up (yes, to this extreme because he isn't listening to what you need and is draining the life from you). Or 2. Make more time for you, without him. Start having days out yourself or with friends, trip to the cinema or even just time alone away from him in your own home. And when his talk about the flat gets too much - leave the room. Heck, leave the flat if you need to. You shouldn't have to (which is why i'd just leave him if it were me) but if he isn't listening to 'I don't want to talk anymore about this' and continues to drain you, get yourself away from that toxic environment by physically leaving the room. Every time it gets too much.

You gotta start taking care of yourself.

As an earlier poster suggested:

Ffs ditch him, what a joyless existence

He sounds like he has mh issues-paranoid and obsessive! Think long and hard about continuing this unpleasantness for years and years.

A relationship that has never been brilliant and is getting worse, with a man who doesn't care that you find listening to his endless obsession exhausting, because it somehow makes him feel better to keep banging on about it?

It seems to me you have two choices:

(1) Give him one last chance. Tell him that you've wasted hours of your life to no purpose listening to him obsessing, you're exhausted, and that unless he stops you're out;
(2) Don't given him further chances and get out now.

Thanks again everyone. I’m enjoying a day to myself.

He has messaged me saying that he isn’t going to spend any more money on the house. We will see!

Oh lovely CloCloClo, there is so much more than just the house to this. The house is the straw. Your camel-back has been taking so much, and you know it: as you say yourself, you are not getting much (I read that as 'anything') out of this relationship, and it is getting worse.

Trust yourself, OP. End it.

So he can't let you have a day to yourself without messaging about his fucking house?