How do you get used to just being with one person?

[Marriageqs]

Long time user, NC for this.

Background: periods of happy singleness, dating or not dating. Several relationships of about 18 months - all ended after I got bored of/went off having sex with the same person. Have never cheated, nor been cheated on (as far as I know).

Have been with (now) DH for 6 years. I love him, the sex is decent and I cannot imagine anyone I would rather come home to at the end of the day. Still interested in having sex with him too.

And yet I can feel the old restlessness coming back. I miss so much of the seeing someone new: the moment just before you have your first kiss when you realise he likes you too, the first kiss itself, the chemistry and flirting and the excitement of new sex... etc. I am not actively flirting (in fact, I think I may have forgotten how) but I am taking joy from seeing/knowing X or Y attractive man finds me attractive. And I hadn't noticed or cared about that for many years.

So my question is: how do MN-ers just get used to having sex with the same person/stop yearning after the courtship/novelty? I feel like I have itchy feet and don't know what to do: should we try different sexual things? Should I remind myself daily how much I love him and how much I would stand to lose if I did anything stupid? Should I avoid interacting with attractive men as far as possible?

I know all the above sounds ridiculous but 6 years is my longest relationship by far, the longest I have been in without lusting after novelty and I suppose I was naive to think that perhaps I had found a man that would keep me satisfied. I probably need to sort myself out but what to do?

Not meaning to be rude but do you have children? I was a bit like you before DH and DC. I'm now too tired for anything let alone sex or god forbid flirt. Of course I love DH and all that but am too permanently knackered to care about novelty.

Hopefully somebody will come along with more helpful advice/ insight.

Ah should have said: no children, not planning on any, want to remain child free!

I felt exactly like you before I met DP. Now I couldn’t imagine ever wanting to be with anyone else. I know no other man could be him. I know nobody else could make me happy like he does, laugh like he does or enjoy sex like he does.
We flirt, with each other....we go out on dates, go away for weekends together without the kids. Remind each other everyday that nobody else compares. I guess you miss the excitement of a new relationship, the adrenaline when you realise someone likes you as much. Try and get that back with your DH.

I have pretty much spent my lifetime like you. I’m not sure why. I had a lovely upbringing, parents who were happy etc but I too get bored easily. I like that feeling too and have spent a lifetime constantly searching for it. I am still like that now at 53. I am single now and it’s largely due to this. I feel too restricted in a relationship. A therapist would have a field day with me!

Are you happy, littleoldmetime? I sometimes wonder whether some people are meant not to be in relationships for too long because of the feeling of restriction that you mention.

I love my DH so much. Why is this flipping restlessness coming back?

Am glad to hear I am not alone though. None of my friends seem to be like me: they were all so happy to settle down and still seem happy with one man or woman after much longer relationships!

OP - you aren’t alone to feel this way. This is why there are swinging clubs, and places like Killing Kittens...
Also - read some Estel Perel - Mating in Captivity, maybe event The State of Affairs (not that you had one, but she talks about the desire people have to experience otherness - similar to what you describe)...

You basically have few choices...

• Suppress that part of you - possible for a while, but might fail in the long term
• Leave when you can’t contain it any longer
• Have a secret parallel life
• Open up to your H and see if there isn’t some way you two can explore and push boundaries - together or on your own...

It helps that there aren’t children as it makes some of these above choices easier to try

The existence of the phrase "seven year itch" suggests that you're in good company, I think, OP. I haven't been in a good relationship as long as you have (wasted a lot of time in a bad one, though) so I have no advice, but I expect you can ride it out and come out the other side.

I had these thoughts too a couple of days ago. Been with dh 7 years we have two kids under 5. Before him I'd only had one other proper relationship and excluding him I've only ever had 4 sexual partners. Sex is good with him but it's got very samey and that's something we need to work on.
My best friend is in a new relationship and was telling me about their rampant 5 times a day sex and it got me thinking about how much I miss them early months. The butterflies when you'd get a text or phone call, the smile that never leaves your face, the glow (when everyone tells you about how happy/good you look) the flirting and the flaming hot sex, basically all the excitement. I soooo miss those days and feel so sad that we won't ever get that time back.

I identify with what you say. I'm mid 50s and think I realise this is at the root of my dissatisfaction. But, equally, I feel that GoodnightJude has the type of relationship I miss. But I get bored really quickly and I think we are socially conditioned beyond our natural tolerance levels. We conclude there is something wrong with us but in fact it's societal norms that are imposed on us. It IS boring being with the same person - who wouldn't want a holiday from their partner if it was socially acceptable. Most people would jump at the chance!

You have common goal (one that makes frequent sex less urgent)

I am happy now I’m single. In fact the happiest I have ever been. I am involved in some lifestyle things that most people wouldn’t understand. I always ended up bored or unhappy when I’m a long term relationship

I think you are getting confused with what people expect you to do and what you want to do. I don't think either of the options is a bad thing. It's whatever works for you. I think it takes time to find but there is a right balance somewhere for you.

You need to do what works for you. One of my work colleagues is married but her hubby works abroad and they both have other people they see, apart from when her hubby comes home and they live as a normal couple.

To fulfil fantasies, me and DH have invited other people into the bedroom together before we were married but I wouldn’t rush to do anything like that again any time soon but maybe in the long term, I’d not rule it out.

I think this is one of the big reasons people choose to try polyamory/ open relationship stuff.

Mind you...I was involved in that for a bit and still have many friends Xs and acquaintances who are and I can’t name a single couple who stayed together / are happy with it long term. Awful lot of drama!

Sorry to jump to conclusions here but are you sure you married the right person?

I only ask because I used to be exactly like you, as I'm sure most normal people are, but then when I met my now DH that all went it away and it's never cropped up again after all of these years. I'm certainly not pretending that everything is perfect all the time but I have zero interest in anything romantic or sexual with anyone else, and I'm as certain as I can be that DH isn't either. It was one of the signs that let me know he is the man I should marry.

I could be totally wrong here, perhaps someone else has some better advice...

I also got those itches. I suppressed them for over a decade, until finally I cheated. Talk to your husband before you do. It’s miserable and confusing and horrible otherwise. I wish I’d spoken to mine about a decade ago. I spent years feeling numb, and now I feel both alive, and horrendously guilty.

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful responses. I have bought the Esther Perel book and look forward to reading, sounds exactly right. It's also really good to hear I am not alone.

One of my DH's biggest insecurities is that I will get bored of him sexually: partly because he knows my history, partly because he is convinced I am (physically) out of his league. So it would make an honest conversation very tricky.

But I think that out of the options clearly (and usefully) highlighted by posters, a conversation seems like the best option. I don't want to leave him, I don't want to cheat but I cannot suppress...

Had anyone had this kind of conversation and had it go ok? How did you approach it?

A key issue is that I know I wouldn't want him seeing other people, which means I cannot ask for the same freedom (without being a gigantic hypocrite) so that is out. So I need to find some way of making him/us seem exciting without making him feel insecure.

Get some hobbies etc.

The grass is very rarely greener on the other side.....maybe you need to water your own grass more often x

I tried to talk to my OH about maybe opening our relationship. It didn’t go well. It ended with him in tears asking why he wasn’t enough for me. I feel like I’ve sleep walked into a nightmare and have just woken up. We’re supoosed to be going to the fertility clinic next month and I feel so trapped. Im going to talk to him about this - but I want to wait until after we come back from holiday in a few weeks.

I have thought a lot about ending it, but he won’t understand why. Whenever I’ve raised my unhappiness before, I get told we have a great relationship. If I told him about my infidelity, he would just want to work on things harder and I’d feel more trapped.

And yet, he’s lovely, and we get in so well. So the other half of the time I think I’m just being an idiot and need to grow up.

I’m having therapy. It’s helping...if recommend it. I spend a lot of time at the moment feeling like an awful person. Which, let’s be fair, I kind of am.

I have many hobbies! I volunteer, I play the piano (sometimes do local concerts), theatre, opera, we travel. I also have a job with long hours but which I love.

OOooh. I was about to suggest a conversation about opening up the relationship, but you can't ethically demand he remain monogamous whilst you go off getting your jollies elsewhere.

Unless he has cuckold tendencies?

Conversations about these things aren’t easy....
One way to approach it - if you read the books and they resonate - is to get him to read some of that and then use to start talking...

More often it happens in a different way. One party doesn’t manage to suppress the needs they have. Act on it. Possibly get discovered - and then have to have that conversation.
Then the other party is cornered into a choice - accept or leave....
Esther’s 2nd book - on Affairs - has a few of these examples. And also shows how some couples deal with tying to accommodate the need of one (or both) partners to experience the ‘otherness’....
And it’s not always about going all the way to letting each other sleep with other people. Sometimes it’s a lot less than that.

You are in a better place at this point - you id’d the issue and haven’t yet made any irreversible steps. So - there is hope that you might be able to find some sort of solution....

You're not cut out for monogomy and should be in an open relationship or single.

If youre at the stage of seeking and enjoying attention from other men i think the clock is ticking tbf.

I do wish people who feel like this would be real and so avoid inflicting this shite on the rest of us who think we're in it for the long haul though.

People can get all het up about this but really as humans it's the need to partner up and procreate that creates all those intense feelings. It's hardwired into us biologically and how we survived. It dissipates gradually and a gentler type of love takes over if you're lucky.

It's up to you if you want to go about chasing those honeymoon highs but it won't necessarily lead to happiness.

My dad has constantly chased the honeymoon period high. He is not happy.