How do you get used to just being with one person?

[Marriageqs]

Long time user, NC for this.

Background: periods of happy singleness, dating or not dating. Several relationships of about 18 months - all ended after I got bored of/went off having sex with the same person. Have never cheated, nor been cheated on (as far as I know).

Have been with (now) DH for 6 years. I love him, the sex is decent and I cannot imagine anyone I would rather come home to at the end of the day. Still interested in having sex with him too.

And yet I can feel the old restlessness coming back. I miss so much of the seeing someone new: the moment just before you have your first kiss when you realise he likes you too, the first kiss itself, the chemistry and flirting and the excitement of new sex... etc. I am not actively flirting (in fact, I think I may have forgotten how) but I am taking joy from seeing/knowing X or Y attractive man finds me attractive. And I hadn't noticed or cared about that for many years.

So my question is: how do MN-ers just get used to having sex with the same person/stop yearning after the courtship/novelty? I feel like I have itchy feet and don't know what to do: should we try different sexual things? Should I remind myself daily how much I love him and how much I would stand to lose if I did anything stupid? Should I avoid interacting with attractive men as far as possible?

I know all the above sounds ridiculous but 6 years is my longest relationship by far, the longest I have been in without lusting after novelty and I suppose I was naive to think that perhaps I had found a man that would keep me satisfied. I probably need to sort myself out but what to do?

Its an affect studied in cattle too. I don't know the answer OP apart from talk it would be hurtful but I would rather no the truth.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coolidge_effect

I see you have lots of hobbies. They seem pretty vanilla. Theatre, piano, all nice but not exactly exciting.

Why don't you try something exciting like skydiving to see if it gives you those excited thrilling feelings.

Another idea would be to go away on holiday by yourself and give you and your DH a chance to miss each other a bit.

I don't think you need necessarily jump in to the idea of swinging, open relationships, affairs etc. Maybe you could role play sometimes - go out and accidentally bump in to each other in a bar and flirt and chat as strangers, that sort of thing. Someone else I know in a similar scenario banned sex for a month (or whatever) so that when the time was up it all felt a bit exciting and novel again.

How long have you been married? If it's been relatively recently, you might be feeling the post wedding itch.

So many woman have dramatic life changes 1-2 years post marriage, its like all the mental headspace arranging a wedding (even a simple one), then doing thank yous, photos etc. are over and then they start looking for the next challenge.

I know many woman who have gone back to study, or changed careers, or dramatic make overs, or taken up extreme exercise challenges, or gone off travelling within 2 years of marriage.

I agree with the thrilling side of hobbies, sounds like for you, challenges and thrills have come from relationships, try looking elsewhere for your challenge.

The only time I felt a wandering eye in 22 years was when I fell totally out of love with DH. No third parties involved and we seperated for about 4 months

I was actually asked out on two dates in those four months but didn’t accept.

I’m the opposite to you and just don’t see any men I would contemplate even kissing.

My mother was always restless, she married four times and had numerous affairs as well, she was an incredibly unhappy woman who should never have had dc and hated all aspects of domestic life. Unfortunately she took her unhappiness out on us, her dc. She had an incredibly glamours life working as a model and was a professional dancer and performer before children. A thrill seeker who always wanted more.

A therapist would have a field day with me!

Why? You are happy living your life single and free. Do you think you should be in a relationship because that is what most people want?

I think a therapist would question why you think you need therapy.

There's no reason why you can't "date" each other again... I know this sounds ridiculous but pretending you don't know each other and you're meeting again for the first time can inject a bit of fun into the situation and who knows where that may lead......

Switching things up a bit and doing different things might be enough to make things exciting for you again and not so routine.

I think it's hard to quell those fear of missing out fears...... But you know what they say, the grass is always greener.

Having a discussion and conversation about how you feel about things with him would be a great start .. communication is everything in a relationship. If you don't feel Upto that a few sessions with a counsellor might be worthwhile for you to voice your thoughts and feelings and explore the reasons for them..... I've done sessions in the past for relationship issues and it helped me to gain real perspective and allowed me to explore things in a non judgemental way..

Good luck to you x

• isn't always greener

Sorry - what a terrible typo.

Problem is many of us feel like this at times and that’s why you end up with affairs , emotional or physical. My mum never really got past the idea she wanted all men to fancy her. I find as well it’s often the least likely people that are prone to it, those who didn’t play the field etc when younger.

Honestly, I can't relate. I think that some people do feel this way, yes, but not by any means all or most. For me, and what also appears to be true for most people, the thrill of newness and the can't-keep-your-hands-off-each-other stage is gradually replaced by a deep and lasting intimacy and security. You don't need to have butterflies because you don't have any doubts, you don't have to pretend or put on a face because you know they still love you and want you despite having seen you stressed to the eyeballs/giving birth/in the middle of a D&V bug. I'm not saying that can't tip into complacency, but there is a happy middle ground where you make time for some romance and keeping the sex fresh but you don't struggle with boredom or feel the need to seek out outside attention.

I don't honestly know if it's a case of you feeling this way with any relationship you might enter into or whether this actually isn't the guy. Only you can answer that in therapy. I will say that "we get on so well" is a bit of a low bar, tbh. It's a high descriptor of a colleague or a not-very-close friend but a life partner it's usually more like... We make each other want to be better, we bring out each other's best selves, together we are more than the sum of our parts.

Feelings aren't wrong but taking action on those feelings behind your partner's back certainly is. As painful as the discussion might be, talking is probably the only way to avoid an ugly, messy, infidelity-fuelled breakup. And it's hard to be in love with someone you aren't being honest with about something important. Secrets breed emotional distance.