Feel like a damaged, intolerant, and not kind enough person

[Anyonefeelthesame]

Am 50 and do an admin job that I am not even particularly good at, as it gets incredibly busy sometimes, and I find it difficult to juggle all the different demands. This contract ends in December and the idea was that I find a better paying but still admin job, however it feels like a downer at the moment. Especially after reading the thread about people who earn 80K and more.

I am a single parent to three teens whom I love a lot, but my divorce was traumatic, and I don’t think I am ever going to recover from that or the last few years of my marriage.

Despite that, I also feel guilt about my divorce - on behalf of ex.

Ex doesn’t speak to me at all so we can’t co-parent at all. We kind of parallel parent. None of his family are in touch with me either. We were together for 22 years. Not that my family are in touch with him either.

I used to think I would want to meet someone else, except I really don’t. I just want a kinder, changed version of ex.

I find myself feeling intolerant of a lot of things. I feel like I want to be a hermit, and often look around wondering why I was ever interested in anything or anybody really.

I feel boring and a bit pointless. Not fantastic at my very badly paid yet all encompassing and tiring job.

I think I could be kinder and more giving, but I spend a lot of my time either at work or recovering from it.

My marriage was an utter failure.

My ex hates me, and got together with someone two nano seconds after it became clear the divorce was going ahead, and during the horrible months we had to share the same house. I had to listen to his long and extremely loving sounding phone conversations in the middle of the night. Not the actual words (apart from once), but I could hear the sound of the conversations.

Don’t know what I am trying to say. I would like to be open, loving and kind. Instead I feel like an intolerant automaton.

What is the matter with me that my marriage failed so dismally?

Nothing at all, my pet..

It all sounds really difficult and messy. Nothing I can say to help, but.

I hope it gets better with time.

I am about your age (52) and l feel similar to you. I feel washed out and cynical and a bit old to be honest. Really struggling at looking back at life and wishing l had made different decisions. My granny once said that you spend the first 40 years of life making mistakes and you spend the next 40 trying to deal with the outcome of those mistakes. It resonated with me as that is exactly how l feel. No advice for you but being a 50 something woman is no picnic in the park.

Are you menopausal? I’m only asking because it can be a side effect (being short tempered etc).

Perhaps it’s time to look after yourself and love yourself a bit, instead of expecting the love to come from others.
You’ve been through major trauma, it takes time to heal, but look inwards rather than outwards.
HTH.

Yes, I don’t think hitting 50 and beyond is all that easy. Or some adapting is necessary. I am peri-menopausal - I am sure that does have an effect, but on the other hand, I think my state of mind is more to do with my situation.

I work in a school and prospective parents come to visit. How kind and normal some of the husbands are with their wives makes me wonder what was wrong with me .

Don’t think I am short tempered so much as kind of deadened feeling.

Nothing at all, my pet.. thank you .

The worse bit about getting older for me is the lack of wonder at what's to come, and about people. All that is left is cynicism about motives and disappointment in other people and all the other aspects of life.

You can still find joy, but it tends to be about other things.

Please try and be kinder to yourself, not at all easy I know but "how kind and normal some of the husbands are with their wives makes me wonder what is wrong with me" why assume it was your fault and not that your ex wasn't kind and normal?

Was your husband lovely to you in the beginning and eventually got bored of you? If so, likely same will happen to his phone-shmoopy.

You had a crap marriage.
You're free now - the next 40+ years are all yours. Get out there and enjoy it! 50's a baby to a 70 year old (who's a baby to a 90 year old).

Meaning that I have also analysed others relationships since my marriage ended and blamed myself more than I should have. I did my best and I'm sure you did too.

Chin up chuck.

Seriously, be kind to yourself, take pleasure in the small things, enjoy the happiness of others.

I wanted to give you a story of hope. My Aunt divorced in her late 40s and was very sad and down on herself for quite a few years.

Her husband had been a total arsehole. It wore her down but took her a long time to see that and to recover.

When she was 54 she decided to join a rambling group. She loved it....walking out in the country with lots of nice people...not looking for romance, just companionship. They'd all go for a pint at the end or sometimes they'd arrange a lunch.

Anyway....she got fitter and fitter with all the walking, then one of the women there put her in the way of a new job.

At this job she met a new man...he owned the business and was and is the loveliest man ever. He was widowed in his 30s and had spent the years in between looking after his kids and business.

They got married last year on my Aunt's 60th birthday and she said "I thought that was it for me...but I was wrong!"

She'd had no interest in love but in seeking friendship she'd found it anyway.

I'm, not saying a boyfriend would solve all your problems but something like a rambling group could lighten your days a lot....being out in nature is wonderfully healing.

No in many ways he wasn’t kind. The second half of our marriage was increasingly difficult. He used to fairly often ostracise me for weeks and weeks. Up to two months. That might happen two or three times a year and I would feel utterly dreadful while it was going on. I also walked on eggshells around him to an extent as he could be short tempered. There was no discussing anything beyond the superficial with him as he would just get cross.

In the end, after one particularly awful outburst I decided enough was enough, but we then spent another 18 months in the same house not talking before he moved out. He was also awful during the divorce, being obstructive and verbally abusive. I took him to court over the finances and he hates my guts for this, but I would never have the autonomy I have now if I hadn’t done that.

He and his family think that he did all the work and I got the house . But he won’t have told them the truth about the settlement and without a doubt will have painted himself the victim.

It’s that silence that I can’t get over. I became so used to being someone who was unable to talk (to him I mean), that I still can’t express myself in a way. I don’t know how to be excited.

And there is this awful guilt as well, because however much he ignored, he weirdly trusted me not to divorce him .

I loved him very much for a long time, and there are still parts of the way he is that I miss.

Sorry, missed your message Ursula - that is a really lovely story. And actually I do like walking a lot. And being outside is lovely.

Am a bit housebound as one of my dc has OCD and doesn’t go out a lot, and I don’t like leaving her.

The thing about meeting someone else is that they wouldn’t be my ex, or the things about him I liked,

That blushing face was meant to be a . And I meant to say “however much he ignored me”

Sounds like you had a toxic marriage and a narcissistic hubby.
Be grateful that you are out of it.
Look on Pinterest and you will definition of toxic marriages and why you finding it hard to get over things!
I wish you well

Op, you have been through a tough ordeal and is it any wonder you have been traumatised. It's not a small thing to share the best part of one's life with someone, then have to wrestle over finances when once there was a close bond. It can mess with one's mind.

But I agree with the advice: firstly, it takes two to tango and also, find an interest that belongs to you alone. Find it, develop it, rejoice in it and explore it. Whatever that thing is - walking, art, exercise, studying, dancing....just keep doing it because it will lead you onwards. It will reconnect you with your vitality. You sound a bit depressed- the numbness may indicate that. You are not your job; you have qualities and depths that you are now free to discover. All that time wasted on tiptoeing around a man can be put to better use now. Go for it and good luck for a bright future!

OP, you have had more than a couple of really, really miserable years.

I'm always struck on MN how awfully hard some women have it for years and seem a little surprised that they are not terribly chipper about life after it.

You are very hard on yourself. This screams out from your posts and lots of other poster's say the same.

You need to acknowledge that you have had a few really shitty years.

Then acknowledge that you are holding down a job, a house, and children. A huge load by anyone's standards.
It doesn't make any difference if you are not doing a perfect job, you are doing this.

The first thing you might think of doing is some talk therapy to acknowledge how awful your life with your partner was and how difficult the final years of your marriage was.

When you feel you have some closure of that pain you might also think about what you want from the next stage of your life.

A woman like you who is obviously extremely strong, definitely has a lot of good years in her yet.

Oh the menopausal years are trying so you need to google it and read up. It can make you feel low and hopeless for a while but a good health shop will give you the advice you need to give you relief with your symptoms.

You have a wonderful life ahead of you.
Just go easy on yourself OP

Comparison is the thief of joy.

I'm the OP who started the thread about being paid over £80k....but that thread is only a small sliver of someone's life.

People might look at my earnings on that thread - but what it doesn't tell you (for example) is that I have bipolar disorder and have been in a psychiatric hospital twice. Or that I'm completely estranged and no contact with my abusive father.

No-one has a perfect life

Thanks for your messages.

Comparison is the thief of joy.. Yes I know, and I certainly don’t begrudge anyone their success. I am annoyed with myself for not having been more focused, self-confident, aware of what I could have gone into etc... I was also at home with my 3 dc when they were little - for 13 years - which is part of it.

I haven’t given up either - while I am unlikely to ever be a higher rate tax payer, I am definitely aiming to earn more money. Just not sure how at the moment. And the fact that I have a bit of a scatter gun approach but am in an admin job is depressing me a bit. It is also my job which is a bit too much - I work in a small school and the Administrator has a lot piled onto just them. In a way it is the job of two people, not one. Then yesterday the deputy was rude about a folder which I never had or was supposed to have - bring the folder she kept on repeating rudely. When the folder turned up in the head’s filing cabinet did she apologise? Nah, course not . Things like that get me down.

No one has a perfect life no I know, and I am sorry about the difficulties you face wheresmymojo . I do have a lot to be grateful for - a lot.

Sounds like you had a toxic marriage and a narcissistic hubby. Yes in the end it was definitely toxic, and I have long thought that ex has narcissistic elements to his character - I could write a book about it.

All that time wasted on tiptoeing around a man can be put to better use now. Yes I agree - it is certainly much more peaceful. But the state of things between us now is also depressing - not a single one of my messages about the dc does he ever acknowledge or respond to - yet sometimes logistically I have to send them. And I am in the house that for many years he thought of as his alone. I had to really harden myself up throughout the divorce, and I think he thought I had turned into a grade A bitch. When I hadn’t, I was setting boundaries, and I could only do it with the help of solicitors, because I had tried to broach separation and meditation before, and he had ignored me completely. And ridiculed me.

He called me a bitch as well - a thick cow, stupid bitch, fucking lazy bum, you name it. All while yelling at me on several occasions in front of my youngest. Did the bitches who advised me also sit on their fat arses doing nothing he asked.

It was something of a pleasure to me that my solicitor and barrister were both experienced and wise women whom he couldn’t intimidate. That finally, with their help, I could find my voice, and though he raged against it, in the end he couldn’t actually do anything about it. He had been in total control for so long, and now he isn’t. And the lies he told about me via the solicitor and barrister he had . Yet he can’t see that at all.

So I am in this house which was also his, (which he considered to be his only) and it feels tainted. The settlement was fair financially, probably more than fair because he never provided all the info that he was supposed to, but he had to leave the family home.

it takes two to tango - I don’t understand this. There are quite a few things I wish I had done differently in the relationship, but ex made things impossible for me. It was his short temper, using of the silent treatment as punishment, and complete refusal to discuss anything that he didn’t want to that have got us where we are. And lots of other thugs that are too long to discuss. He was completely uninterested in me in the last few years as well. Never touched me. Yet was then somehow surprised when he realised I was serious about leaving. Tried to manipulate me into staying, then when he realised that hadn’t worked became very unpleasant and also seemed to find someone else immediately. She hasn’t materialised yet, but he is very secretive and in any case he sees the dc at my house while I am at work, so she is probably hidden somewhere.

And still I remember and miss what I liked about him. And there are things I feel bad about.

There is more that I wanted to respond to - will do it in a bit as I am getting a headache and need breakfast .

You have had some seriously shit years and it is no wonder you feel like this but even in your post I notice your determination ! You are only suffering a setback right now . Is there any chance you can sell the house and buy another ? Having been in a similar situation I know how you end up feeling. I used to ask myself " am I this total bitch ?" I was blamed for absolutely everything and eggshells - oh yes . It is very easy to tell ourselves that we wanted time but try to live in the here and now and forget it . Have you had any counselling or CBT which would be good in getting you to look at this in a different way ? You actually sound to me like a strong woman who is on her way to recovery .

Sorry Op, when I said it takes two to tango, I was referring to the fact that your ex is hugely responsible for this damage you refer to...I wasn't referring to yourself. If anything, it was meant to suggest that you take too much blame on yourself.

I can hear how tough life has been. He sounds cruel and vindictive. Glad he was faces with powerful legal team.

Sounds like you're looking at practical solutions too: moving on perhaps to gain more money for example. But do invest in an interest as it will change your perspective and stop you ruminating. Be proud - you were wise enough to leave this abuse behind you.

Wasted time not wanted

Any relationship where you have been together a long time, will take a while to come to terms with Im afraid.You have been through so much in a short while.Many relationships "unravel" over years of parenting ,money worries and so on .Many men jump straight into a new relationship ,because they dont want to be alone and want someone to have sex with!.It doesnt mean it will work out though.There is NOTHING wrong with you at all!.Maybe some counselling would help you?.Most marriages come under strain ,and many many people are divorced once ,twice or more or live alone .The fact that you miss the "good" parts of your relationship , is just that you are looking back with the rosy filter on !.If you feel depressed maybe the doctor would help you ?.Try to meet up with friends or see
your own family ? 22 years is a long time together and you have your home and children from it try to focus on the positives (not easy I know!)

You sound vet tolerant and kind, but yes damaged. It is this damage that is making you view your self poorly.

Draw a line in the sand now and relook at yourself with the kindness you crave. Be your own best friend. You have your kids, they will love it if their mum loves herself back.

You will heal and with time and space the guilt will resolve. He sounds abusive and you needed to break free. That took so much strength and adrenalin that you are exhausted, this is a healing time.

Vet = very