Feel like a damaged, intolerant, and not kind enough person

[Anyonefeelthesame]

Am 50 and do an admin job that I am not even particularly good at, as it gets incredibly busy sometimes, and I find it difficult to juggle all the different demands. This contract ends in December and the idea was that I find a better paying but still admin job, however it feels like a downer at the moment. Especially after reading the thread about people who earn 80K and more.

I am a single parent to three teens whom I love a lot, but my divorce was traumatic, and I don’t think I am ever going to recover from that or the last few years of my marriage.

Despite that, I also feel guilt about my divorce - on behalf of ex.

Ex doesn’t speak to me at all so we can’t co-parent at all. We kind of parallel parent. None of his family are in touch with me either. We were together for 22 years. Not that my family are in touch with him either.

I used to think I would want to meet someone else, except I really don’t. I just want a kinder, changed version of ex.

I find myself feeling intolerant of a lot of things. I feel like I want to be a hermit, and often look around wondering why I was ever interested in anything or anybody really.

I feel boring and a bit pointless. Not fantastic at my very badly paid yet all encompassing and tiring job.

I think I could be kinder and more giving, but I spend a lot of my time either at work or recovering from it.

My marriage was an utter failure.

My ex hates me, and got together with someone two nano seconds after it became clear the divorce was going ahead, and during the horrible months we had to share the same house. I had to listen to his long and extremely loving sounding phone conversations in the middle of the night. Not the actual words (apart from once), but I could hear the sound of the conversations.

Don’t know what I am trying to say. I would like to be open, loving and kind. Instead I feel like an intolerant automaton.

What is the matter with me that my marriage failed so dismally?

How kind and normal some of the husbands are with their wives makes me wonder what was wrong with me

This would be my H, charm personified to the outside world, but snarling st me the moment he didn't have an audience, so all is not always rosy.

I also used to have the silent treatment for up to months toward the end of the relationship and it is soul destroying.

When I started getting out and about when I became single it came as a huge shock that people actually liked me after years of being told and being made to feel unloved

As others have said, find something that is yours and go from there

I feel I could have written your post.

I'm not sure what the answer is but there is some sound advice on here and being kinder to yourself sounds like a good start.

The thing that struck me most in your post was you saying you feel intolerant and unkind. I feel exactly the same and I don't know why. I get very intolerant when someone is telling me something and there is too much pre-amble. I feel unkind because I feel like I lack empathy for situations.

I'm also 50 and whilst I always thought age wouldn't bother me, I'm suddenly terrified of reaching the end of my life feeling as unfulfilled as I do now. I feel so tethered. I have two teenage kids still at school and a hubby but I've lost sense of me. I don't work, being the SAHP but now that the kids are older I'm scared to go back (don't even know if I want to go back) coz I don't know if I'm good enough or if I'll find other people intolerable.

Have just emailed a local counsellor coz I think I'm in dire need of some counselling.

Going back to your ex though. Similarly I divorced my ex over 20 years ago and remained in the same house until it sold. Whilst he stayed out some nights and found new dates, he couldn't tolerate it when I did it. I instigated the split due to his behaviour and drinking too much. I wanted to split and was relieved when we did but his reaction to it was to jump into the bed of the next person who came along but then couldn't stand it if I did the same (which I only did once). We don't keep in touch but I know that he was toxic and in no way blame myself for the end of our marriage other than having been fecking stupid to have married him in the first place.

Don't compare yourself - people only show the best of themselves which accounts for about half a percent of their actual life. The rest of the time we are all just muddling through wondering what the fuck it's all about. You've been through a lot and be proud that you have come out the other side. All jobs are worthwhile - we don't have to be a fancy doctor or city flyer to be worthy. We judge success far too much on how much people earn. It matters not. You're doing great. x

When I divorced a long time ago I felt like you, mysteriously as soon as I met someone else I felt instantly better, I think that’s why many men rush into things, it isn’t that they don’t ‘feel’ it’s that many really don’t like going through the melancholia of being alone. Some women love being alone after failed relationships, but some really don’t and are more suited to being with a partner be it full on or casual. I think taking up some new interests and positive thinking in a ‘the worlds my oyster way’ might help. My son found his job a bit tedious, so involved himself with politics and says he feels interest in the job matters less because of it

You sound pretty normal after what you've been through. It's a kind of grief when a relationship that long ends. Be a bit easier on yourself. All you can do sometimes is take small steps to change things bit by bit and not constantly look at the big picture and other people's lives. Most people aren't living some glorious life anyway. I would look into some counselling, CBT, mindfulness maybe. That helped me after a traumatic break up. Good luck op.

OP, that sounds horrendous.

I can see how it would suit an abusive asshole to see his children in the family home but I can not see how it would be helpful to you in reclaiming your home.

I would seriously reconsider that arrangement.

Your children need you to be in a happier place and you so deserve it.

I believe that comes way ahead of you facilitator to your abuser.

He clearly can't be a good father to abuse you like he did, particularly in front of the children.

I just wanted to say you CAN recover, however bad it was. I can vouch for it.

There are various recovery programmes, I used melanietoniaevans.co.uk. Don't worry that she talks about narcissism - it's actually about learning how to clear out your pain so you can move into your true destiny.

ooops, melanietoniaevans.com.

Mumsnet doesn't allow edits for some unfathomable reason.

You sound like I did a couple of years ago. Don't underestimate peri menopause. Check out the menopause matters forum. It took me two years before I realised it.

Sorry @Dappledsunlight, I misunderstood what you were saying.

Thanks for all the messages.

Selling the house and moving somewhere without the associations would help, but I need to stay here for another 5 years - by which time all the dc will have finished school. Not sure where I would love to either . You spend so long associating your future with someone else’s that you feel a bit lost after that.

The thing about ex moving on so that he could have regular sex - he could have had that with me but wasn’t interested. I had wanted the intimacy and closeness but for years he more or less ignored me.

I then had to make myself strong to get through the divorce, but in his eyes that make me evil and he found someone he could be nice to. That person could have been me.

I don’t know, maybe as time passes I will simply get bored with feeling guilty and bad.

move to

made not make