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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

STBXH sent me this.. why!?

69 replies

Missbee90 · 14/06/2019 18:37

He left me a year ago because he “fell out of love with me” he didn’t want to file for divorce so I did (and bloody paid for it all) met someone else within weeks and now lives with her, we have no children but used to share a dog and had a mortgage (I bought him out the property and the stayed with me) I’m 29, he’s 30 just for context .. I’m not going to reply but just needed to post somewhere because I’m just baffled. Anyone have any thoughts on why he would email me this? We’ve not spoken for months and have no reason too. I’m moving on with my life and finally in a good place and then he pops up in my emails .. have copied and pasted the email below and replaced my name with *

Thought i would let you know as I know how much my dad loves you. He was involved in a car accident and is in hospital with a few bad injuries and has got to have a few operations but he was quite lucky to still be here so he will be ok.

I can’t imagine what I have put you through * I’m not the person you deserved you deserved a lot more. You are amazing and I was blind to see how much you loved me and this is all down to me not being a good enough person and I had to end it for both of us in the long run.

Believe me it has not been easy. Still get upset every week what I have left behind and what I have done to you I feel like a complete arsehole I hate myself for it. I couldn’t stay in contact with your family it would have made this harder for you I have cut off because I believe it is the best way to make this easier.

Thank you for all the memories we had together it has been a massive part of my life and the last 10 months has dragged and seemed like 3 years. I wish you all the best and hope in time this becomes a distant memory for you because you Have no reason to feel unhappy as this was nothing you did or did not do.

Take care

OP posts:

Nicolastuffedone · 14/06/2019 21:44

Send it to his girlfriend and ask her to tell sadsack to stop emailing you.....

Kanga83 · 14/06/2019 21:50

He's rethinking his life following his dad. I would respond 'sorry to hear about your dad, wishing a speedy recovery. I'm doing really well and in a really good place in life. Wishing you well in your life, however there is no need to contact me again. Best wishes'.

blushmelikeyou · 14/06/2019 21:53

KA? I wouldn't even bother replying.

IvanaPee · 14/06/2019 21:55

It actually sounds to me like someone’s said something to him!

All that stuff about wanting it to be a distant memory, and the reason why he didn’t stay in touch with your family.

Is there any chance someone from your family would have said something to him??

Or perhaps his dad did?

tempester28 · 14/06/2019 22:23

Hope your dad is ok. Don't worry about me, it is in the past and was for the best.

YankeeDad · 14/06/2019 22:23

To me he sounds apologetic and remorseful. That does not mean there is any reason to let him back in given his past behaviour, but what would be the harm in being a gracious while also making it clear that you want no further contact? For instance,

"I'm sorry to hear about your dad's accident. Thanks for your apology. I am doing well. I wish you the best, but please don't contact me again".

Then you block him.

Butterymuffin · 14/06/2019 23:03

I'd do nothing or would send 'sorry about your dad, hope he's better soon' and make no reference to the rest of the message.

ilovecatsabittoomuch · 15/06/2019 01:10

Omg what a total idiot!! Wants to have his cake and eat it. Clearly realised the grass is not always greener. Do not reply, then block.

Thank u, next

RantyAnty · 15/06/2019 01:57

Agree with the others that this is all a sad sausage me me me me vomit.

Messaging his father directly was perfect. Your ex was counting on his centrality that he must be the one to give him the message! ha

He is also realises he gave up his solid relationship for a new piece of tail and the grass wasn't greener.

Oh poor poor sad sausage him

AlaskaSometimes · 15/06/2019 06:18

Forward it to his new partner with he subject line “Collect your man”

MerryMarigold · 15/06/2019 06:34

In the famous words of Mumsnet: he sounds very young (read 'immature, self obsessed, emotionally unintelligent'). Good luck to his 'new' girlfriend.

Meowington · 16/06/2019 21:39

The grass isn’t greener on the other side and he’s trying to guilt/manipulate you into responding. Not sure of his motives but sounds like you were the best thing to happen to him and he’s now realised this! Don’t fall for the bullshit!

Ignore, ignore and ignore some more!

lifebegins50 · 16/06/2019 22:50

What strikes me is he makes a point of saying "my dad loves you", "you loved me" but he doesn't say he loved you.

I think at best it's an apology for what he did but at worse it's an attempt to hover you if the shine on the new relationship is getting a bit dim.

user1486131602 · 16/06/2019 23:17

His dads accident and mortality has made him question himself and his treatment of you.
Just accept it as an apology, better late than never, and move on.

pineapplebryanbrown · 16/06/2019 23:37

He's a narc, talking about how much you loved him.

He's also possibly reframing the ending (for a new audience?) - he ended it for both of you for your ultimate good.

I heard my xh saying we had split up because he worked too much

Scorpvenus1 · 17/06/2019 10:38

First of all... He didn't just meet someone weeks later he lived with, This one would have been possibly the reason he fell out of love. She was there previous.

I would make efforts to find out where the dad is and go see him without the exs knowledge. I would ignore all the other dribble as basically that's all it is. Dribble. Its nice and all he knows how much of a f**k up he is and all but no need to reply to it. He wasn't good enough end of. it could be hovering but seriously don't reply. His pity party Is a ploy for attention. Be strong and remember what he has done and cut him out :)

TheInebriati · 17/06/2019 11:13

To me he sounds apologetic and remorseful.
He seems to think his behaviour will have had a big impact on OP as it has been hard for him, but he doesn't say 'sorry' once.

To me it sounds like he is feeling sorry for himself and wants OP to soothe his feelings. Thats not the same thing as being apologetic or remorseful, its not even close.

I wouldn't engage at all, the next step is they start hanging around your house.

ThisIsACloselyGuardedSecret · 17/06/2019 12:23

I disagree with other posters. I received similar from a previously very close friend when her dad was dying of cancer.

I think some people, when experiencing something like this, are forced to face their own mortality for the first time. Sometimes, this drives them to put right past wrongs. As it were.

It doesn't sound to me like he wants to get back with you but maybe he is feeling guilty about what he did.

I think the appropriate response from you is an eye roll and then ignore it.

Original poster

Missbee90 · 18/06/2019 00:18

Thank you all, I agree with lots of comments. I’m not thinking he wants to get back together that wasn’t ever my thoughts, he’s apparently very happy in a new relationship and after what he put me through I wouldn’t want him back.. just wanted to post on here as a soundboard really and get other people’s opinions.

Perhaps he is sorry / remorseful or perhaps he’s a self indulgent twat.. it really doesn’t matter does it and makes no difference to me moving on with my life and that’s what I have to remind myself. I didn’t reply and I messaged his dad wishing him well and he sent a nice reply (he’s fine and home recovering now!)

OP posts:

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