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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

STBXH sent me this.. why!?

69 replies

Missbee90 · 14/06/2019 18:37

He left me a year ago because he “fell out of love with me” he didn’t want to file for divorce so I did (and bloody paid for it all) met someone else within weeks and now lives with her, we have no children but used to share a dog and had a mortgage (I bought him out the property and the stayed with me) I’m 29, he’s 30 just for context .. I’m not going to reply but just needed to post somewhere because I’m just baffled. Anyone have any thoughts on why he would email me this? We’ve not spoken for months and have no reason too. I’m moving on with my life and finally in a good place and then he pops up in my emails .. have copied and pasted the email below and replaced my name with *

Thought i would let you know as I know how much my dad loves you. He was involved in a car accident and is in hospital with a few bad injuries and has got to have a few operations but he was quite lucky to still be here so he will be ok.

I can’t imagine what I have put you through * I’m not the person you deserved you deserved a lot more. You are amazing and I was blind to see how much you loved me and this is all down to me not being a good enough person and I had to end it for both of us in the long run.

Believe me it has not been easy. Still get upset every week what I have left behind and what I have done to you I feel like a complete arsehole I hate myself for it. I couldn’t stay in contact with your family it would have made this harder for you I have cut off because I believe it is the best way to make this easier.

Thank you for all the memories we had together it has been a massive part of my life and the last 10 months has dragged and seemed like 3 years. I wish you all the best and hope in time this becomes a distant memory for you because you Have no reason to feel unhappy as this was nothing you did or did not do.

Take care

OP posts:

Onemansoapopera · 14/06/2019 19:11

But do you not have to be separated two years to apply for divorce anymore?

frenchonion · 14/06/2019 19:12

He's totally sewing the seeds...emotionally blackmailing you into a response using his dad's misfortune, hoping to squeeze his body into the gap of your closed door for a shag, ego stroking and loving attention. Fuck him. Reply? None, or a blunt 'sorry to hear about your dad'. Clip that door shut in his twatty face.

Ironmanrocks · 14/06/2019 19:17

See, I read it differently. I think that if his Dad has just had a bad car accident that it has suddenly brought it home to him that you can lose people quickly and I think it can make people consider their own life around them. He realises he did wrong and is acknowledging that to you - I would assume so you can have closure and know that he knows he is a dick. I would reply and say that you are sorry about his Dad, maybe even send the Dad your love and I would leave it at that. But I would take it as an apology of sorts. I also wouldn't continue 'chatting'. If he is genuine he will leave it at that. If he tries it on then I am wrong!!

Fromage · 14/06/2019 19:18

His dad had a brush with death, now stbx is rethinking his life. And/or, he's going through a rough patch with his new partner. Maybe his dad has said he was a mug to end his marriage. It sounds like there's been a wake up call.

But this is his morbid outpouring and his problem, tbh. He should be having this conversation with his mates, not you. Maybe he thought this would be a good time to apologise for being a moron, and he's just done it very, very badly because it's all about him, not you.

Having said that, it does also read like he's depressed - he's self flagelating somewhat, but again, if this is depression talking, he has mistakenly found the wrong audience and should be talking to his mates and/or a counsellor, and the best thing for him, is for you to stay out of it. So I think you're doing the right thing. But why would he send that in the first place? Who knows, but you're right not to respond.

Original poster

Missbee90 · 14/06/2019 19:19

@Onemansoapopera No, you can apply for divorce immediately after you separate on the grounds of adultery or unreasonable behaviour.

Thank you all again for your comments x

OP posts:

BerylReader · 14/06/2019 19:23

Had an ex that would occasionally wait outside the house (and those were just the times I saw him) and wave. Usually on his bike (lost his license after drink driving 🙄). Never responded and moved away. Always wondered if he was surprised to see new owners coming out of the house 😆

PlinkPlink · 14/06/2019 19:23

My ex did this and I have no idea why.

It really riled me up because I didn't need it, I wasn't asking for it. Yet again, it was purely for his needs. HE needed to cleanse, HE needed to send it, HE needed to let go. Etc.

It was like one more last attempt to put dump his problems on me and walk away.

He is just cleansing himself of his guilt. If he gets a rise out of it, fantastic for him. If not, then at least he's gotten out of his system.

It's entirely selfish and should be ignored. Though of course, you can send a quick reply about his Dad and say how sorry you are to hear about the accident. But nothing else is needed.

Original poster

Missbee90 · 14/06/2019 19:24

And YES to all the comments about grammar, that’s why I made it clear I had copied and pasted .. he even spelt my name with a damn lower case letter. FML. They did make me giggle and loads of these posts have reassured me that not replying is the right thing to do, so thank you x

OP posts:

SunnyCoco · 14/06/2019 19:26

I agree with those who are saying he is trying to make himself feel better and get rid of his guilty feelings

I would not respond at all, but contact his dad directly to wish him well for his recovery

mamaofboyzz · 14/06/2019 19:37

It sounds like he's had a shock with his father being in a bad way, so he is now reflecting and apologising for putting you through what he did. That's not a bad thing infact I would be happy that he now realises how badly he treated you and have some closure that it was him being a shitty person. It doesn't sound like he wants anything from you or wants to make you feel a certain way he just has now realised his wrongs.

mamaofboyzz · 14/06/2019 19:38

@user1479305498 this is exactly how I read it too!

MarshaBradyo · 14/06/2019 19:41

How self indulgent

It’d be hard not to respond with something apt but just block

Widowodiw · 14/06/2019 19:43

He’s not sorrynor wanting you back op. He’s had a shock because his father nearly dies so that is making him sentimental. He is probably wishing you were with him now because you knew his dad and he’s probably having fond memories off you altogether. In a weeks or two time he won’t be sentimental and he won’t feel like this.

I wouldn’t respond i’d Leave it. If you want to reach out to his father then perhaps do that directly by sending him a card or something.

Mummyshark2018 · 14/06/2019 19:53

Sounds like he's regretting leaving you. Perhaps his dads accident had questioned his mortality and life choices. Still not nice to try and make you feel sorry for him.

DizzySue · 14/06/2019 20:01

I'm going to go against the grain....I think he's had a shock with his dad, reflected on your relationship and wanted to apologise for the way he's treated you. Fair enough really, when someone admits their mistakes I respect that (I do agree with those cautious about him trying to work his way back into your life, but I would give him the benefit of the doubt)

I would respond, something like: 'I hope your dad's ok, I will always remember him fondly. After a difficult time I'm doing really great right now I appreciate your email and have no hard feelings, but I really don't want to stay in touch. All the best for the future'

LuckyLou7 · 14/06/2019 20:09

Ah just delete the email and don't respond. He's a self-pitying fool, and although it's sad about his dad's accident, it doesn't sound as if dad is life threateningly unwell.

Any kind of answer will give him the opportunity to start a conversation with you. You deserve better. Don't give him the satisfaction of a reply.

Twisique · 14/06/2019 20:14

Unsubscribe

DizzySue · 14/06/2019 20:19

Haha

unsubscribe

frenchonion · 14/06/2019 20:28

twistique

MrsHass · 14/06/2019 20:41

It doesn’t matter what his reasons for emailing you where.
It doesn’t matter whether he’s reflected on his past behaviour.
It doesn’t matter if his dad’s accident gave him a jolt.

You owe him nothing.
He was a cunt to you.
The email reads manipulative and ‘me me me’ in my eyes.

Don’t respond. Carry on with moving on and being in that good place, and don’t let him try to worm his way back in. And certainly don’t respond and tell him it’s ok and all is forgiven, which he may be looking for. Fuck ‘im.

fia101 · 14/06/2019 20:50

He sounds very very manipulative.

If someone was really sorry and cared about the other person they'd leave them alone to move on with their lives not send them a manipulative message. Took him what - 1 minute to type. Is he bored and fancies screwing with your head to fill the time. Not nice. Not nice at all.

You respond and the conversation starts to flow, you meet and then he says he regrets getting back in touch and your head is screwed again.

Sorry to be so cynical.

You sound like you have your head fully screwed on to him.

growlingbear · 14/06/2019 21:34

Wow, he's really showing himself to be someone who can't cope with complex feelings. Worry about your dad? Not when there's an ex wife to suddenly get mawkish over!

Good for you, texting the dad and ignoring the tosser.

AllMixedUp76 · 14/06/2019 21:38

It sounds like he's had a shock with his father being in a bad way, so he is now reflecting and apologising for putting you through what he did
Or he found his dad's will, and how much is left to you.
Sorry... cynical me.

PicsInRed · 14/06/2019 21:39

Because he's a self absorbed arse crack, whose entire life is a windswept and emotional romantic novel, with him as the handsome protagonist. Swoon.
The end.
💩

RiversDisguise · 14/06/2019 21:42

Self-indulgent cock.

I remember seeing your posts before when you were struggling more.

He's an absolutelw bellend. You're well rid.

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