Question about age gaps

[ScalingTheCliffsOfInsanity]

I have a question about age gaps in relationships. 15 year age gaps to be precise. At what age does this cease to be weird and creepy? Clearly a 15 year old shouldn't date a 30 year old but is it ok for a 20/35 or 25/40?
If so why do you think it's ok and if no why not.

I don't want to say more just yet about a specific situation as I want honest answers on just what I've put above, not on specifics of personality

15 years is fine. I have a friend who has been with a man 32 years her senior since she was 19 (so yeah, he was 51!). They’re still together and going strong now but every time I see a photo of them it just looks like someone with their Dad. Her Dad died when we were young so I think that’s the reason.

15 years isn’t really a huge gap, I think once the younger party reached 25+ it wouldn’t even be overly noticeable.

For me - the age gaps start of as creepy - as in 15/30....
Then move to mismatched life phases of late teen/early 20s dating 35yos.... The younger person in that setup is still in the phase of growing up, discovering themselves and life, and it’s the time to explore and learn. While 35yos are in a phase of looking for pair up and settle down.

Then, at least for me - it gets better - and 30 dating 45 yo isn’t as bad. Both full adults and the older is still young and full of energy. Women in their 30s often find men in their 40-50s mature and stable and very attractive, especially compared with men of their age group. Doesn’t hurt that older men are often more financially sorted, have their houses, jobs, etc...

And that all works for a while. Even long enough to have kids...
But then - it starts going pear shaped a bit. As the age difference does start to catch up.

At around mid 40s, women then have a partner in their 60s. And that isn’t a walk in the park. I am that age and if I had to date - 60yo men don’t look remotely attractive to me.

So - this is a theory, obviously, and life turns out the way it does. Age difference can work, but there are choices and compromises.

Interesting. But if you were a 50 year old would you not find it odd to be dating someone who could very easily be your childs age? See I find that creepy af. I get she was possibly going through something as you say but I can't help but find it a bit predatory.

Depends on life stage really. I was 21 when I started seeing a 36 year old, and there wasn’t any kind of power imbalance, altho it was a cliche, he was my line manager at work but it fizzled out when he left for a bit and we’re just good friends now he’s back.
I think once both parties are over 20, it’s less to be concerned about. That being said, there’s generally a bit of a difference in maturity and life stage imo between a 22 yo fresh out of uni, and a 22 year old who’s lived on their own and worked full time since they were 17 yo... for example so I’m back to my original point.. case by case!

In all honesty, the main reason I called it off was because I wanted serious, and he didn’t, which probably isn’t the way it standardly goes!

MMmomDD I think I feel similarly to you but struggling with it. It wasn't the reason I posted but I am 44 and the one time I joined an online dating site I definitely got responses from people nearing their 60s. Which was not what I wanted and subsequently left
I think I find it predatory/ cliche however I look at it and I was wondering if that view was shared or I was skewed by my circumstances (partly based on above, partly on another situation)

And also why is it always the men who are older? I'm sure if I approached a 30 I'd get a

Oh, ok. I get where you are coming from.
I don’t know if there is one way to view it, but here is how it is for me.

Predatory - in my eyes - only applies if there is some sort of mismatched power levels, income, or levels of maturity.

So - a 60yo hitting on 45yo - isn’t predatory. Both are well into a grown up phase of their lives. And - of course - a younger person looks more attractive to the older person, especially in that age bracket.
PC or not - but an average 45yo (man or woman) is more attractive physically than an average 60yo.
So - why wouldn’t he try to approach a younger woman 🤷🏻‍♀️....

However - a line manager of 35 dating a subordinate of 21 is verging on a bit of predatory.... And most very young women in these arrangements say - not in my case, I was mature, etc. And yet, still, wherever there is a power imbalance - there is always a bit of question there...

As to dating as a mid 40s woman...
It all depends on what you are looking for in dating.
There is no reason why a fun and physical sort of encounters with 30yos can’t happen between a younger man and an older woman. So - 30M, 45F - why not.
It won’t last as a relationship, for many obvious reasons, but as a short term thing it can work.

I’d not worry as much about the ‘rule’ or what who thinks. I find that dating after 40 can be fun again. There isn’t a pressure and time scale to find a baby-daddy that spoils dating in the 30s.
So - past 40, you can date like a 20yo again - just for you. To have fun. To meet people.

At around mid 40s, women then have a partner in their 60s. And that isn’t a walk in the park. I am that age and if I had to date - 60yo men don’t look remotely attractive to me.

@MMmomDD I totally agree with you. I'm currently single, late 40s and I'm afraid men 15 years older (and more) do NOT float my boat at all. I've just had to be quite blunt to a man in his late 60s who I considered was a friend and he clearly has some misplaced feelings about me which are definitely unwanted on my part. Coupled with the fact he is bloody married, I am pissed off. So I've told him quite clearly that I am disappointed and the feeling is NOT reciprocated, thanks! It has made me feel a bit ..vomitty...and it does feel predatory.

My ex was 7 years younger than me and even that used to play on my mind - we got together in our 30s - he was very immature at times.

I'm not currently looking for another relationship as I'm enjoying the single life, but if I were to meet someone I'd much rather they be closer to my age. My ex actually cheated on me with a woman 15 years younger (hence why we split), so I'm hoping if they stay together she will get a taste of what a grumpy old shit he's going it be .

It’s not wrong but not for me...

It adds a different dynamic to the relationship with the younger one being the lively one and the older one being the more stable mature one.. which some people like.

But there would be mismatch in personalities and life goals and experiences so makes it a bit hard to have things in common aside from the relationship.

My gran had a 14 year old age gap and she often says that she felt like she had to act More mature than her age and she wanted to dance and live and grandad would be tired and find that annoying. And grandad says that he wanted her to be serious while she was too busy dancing away and singing at home.

She was in her twenties and he was in his thirties.

A friend of mine seems to be suffering emotional neglect. Twenties married someone in their forties. She is at the beginning of her relationship life while he obviously has been through it all.

However she did want a very stable relationship with a stable guy as she had suffered In childhood so in that sense it works for her. But I personally find the guy creepy for wanting a girl her age.

I was married at 37 to a woman who was 52. The marriage lasted for 15 years and finished because she was incredibly insecure about her being older than I was. I was not concerned in any way whatsoever about the age gap.

I think under 25 is not that great as their brains are still developing and all that.

I was 26, he was 40. That makes it sound a bit mad. We’re now 33 and 47 which makes it sound a lot better!

15 years isn’t a great deal, if I went out with someone 15 years older than me they would only be 46.

Thanks for the replies, it's definitely helping me work out why I feel the way I do.
@BobLemon can I ask why you went for someone so much older? Obviously personality is a huge part of it but what about the rest - stability etc? Sorry if thats being intrusive.

DH was 22 years older than me. We were together for 20 years. I was attracted to his awesome personality, kindness, generosity and sense of humour, as well as his good looks. He wasn't rich, or powerful, there was no weird power dynamic. We genuinely didn't see the age gap, we made such a good team. We met when I was 20.

Scaling I didn’t comparison shop for him

I’m sure it happened as loads of relationships do. Someone in a pub makes you laugh, then you realise you fancy them, then before you know it 7 years are gone! We know it’ll be a problem when he’s older, but we’re very happy at the moment and don’t want to stop being together now because one day things might be less happy... does that even make sense?!?

Luckily he’s a bit of a silver fox

I met my husband when I was 27 and he was 42. He was unable to work since he was in his 20s and had an accident which left him permanently disabled. So in many ways I actually had more life experience.

When we met I had severe depression, PTSD and my self esteem was rock bottom. I was with a guy who was a sulky passive aggressive twat who was about as supportive as a plateful of trifle.

A large part of my attraction to my husband was being with a man, not a man-child. He helped me become the confident woman I am today.

Bit of a sensitive topic for me.

Generally I'd say what goes on between two consenting adults is their own business. Whether it's creepy or not is just personal opinion.

I was once in a relationship with somebody 27 years my senior. Would I do it again? Never. The generation difference was huge and obvious and would be a cause for misunderstandings and discontent in our relationship. The fact that he was a controlling abuser is perhaps not relevant, as that could describe anyone of any age - but the age gap dynamic played a part, in a way that it's hard for me to describe.

Hi, i've been thinking the same thing just recently I met someone I thought he was in his early 30's turns out he's 25 and I'm going to be 45 soon. It kind of freaked me out, he's young enough to be my son. And yet I can't stop thinking about him.

I keep thinking he must think I am a right fool, at my age. I shouldn't and probably won't act on it but the thrill of the chase is quite exciting.

@CF43 same situation here, 16 years younger, I found him really attractive but why a 30yo would look at a “46yo separated but not divorced with 2 kids” woman ? turns out that he had a massive crush on me very early on. It took him 2 years to mention it. I had not seen anything like that coming although people around me had mentioned that I was totally naive: he helped me with childcare a few times and my friends read him straight away. I backed away a bit after he said his interest. I couldn’t let him. I just couldn’t. Felt too old, not attractive and nothing to offer apart from casual intimate relations. But above all, the risk of losing a friend. He insisted. I gave in. He backed away. I was in pieces for months. Half a year later, his interest is still strong, just as much as mine. He has justified himself : it didn’t feel right to date as I am still married, he is not asking me to divorce though, struggling with moral issues. As for me, I got burnt and wouldn't go anywhere closer to the flamme, although utterly tempted. Is it vanity ? is it lust ? is it loneliness ?

No one is really considering older age. We have friends with an 8 year difference in age. One has been retired for 8 years and the other is still working and will continue to do so. 68 year old has become Mr Boring. They have been married for 30 years plus but it’s since his retirement that there has been a problem. I wouldn’t be giving up a job to spend time with him either!

My parents had a 23 year difference. Just don’t do it! An 80 year old husband isn’t great when you are 57.

I knew a man 45 dating a 21yr old for 3 years. I found it sad and sickening as he was her first real BF. He loved it obviously, but never introduced her to his kids. It felt a sense of grooming had taken place.

25/40 is fine imo. But I’d want to be the older one! I’m not interested in older men at all.

well there is a well known formula divide youre age by 2 and add 7 so for a 15 year age gap 44 and 29 would be the youngest both parties could be hope this helps