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Relationships

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Question about age gaps

54 replies

ScalingTheCliffsOfInsanity · 14/06/2019 08:40

I have a question about age gaps in relationships. 15 year age gaps to be precise. At what age does this cease to be weird and creepy? Clearly a 15 year old shouldn't date a 30 year old but is it ok for a 20/35 or 25/40?
If so why do you think it's ok and if no why not.

I don't want to say more just yet about a specific situation as I want honest answers on just what I've put above, not on specifics of personality

OP posts:
RiversDisguise · 15/06/2019 01:03

Depends on the people involved. Sometimes you just click with someone. And age, like race, nationality, and all that, becomes irrelevant.

Krisskrosskiss · 15/06/2019 01:18

My husband is 16 years older than me. We have two children, the first was born when I was 26. We started seeing each other when i was 25. No one has ever commented on the age gap... I've known him since i was 21 as a friend and was very attracted to him from the first time i met him.

PouncerDarling · 15/06/2019 01:25

I'm thirty four and have dated a forty nine year old. Apart from a couple of odd looks because I look young for my age, it didn't cause any problems at all.

TrixieFranklin · 15/06/2019 01:28

There's 13 years between my husband and I, we got together when I was 21 and it really wasn't a big deal.

RantyAnty · 15/06/2019 02:15

Age gaps are fine and up to the individuals involved of course.

In general, I think women age better than men do. Women have more social outlets, know how to cook healthy meals, more likely to look after their health, better hygiene.

CF43 · 15/06/2019 07:07

I think he has been friendly but don't want to push it as making a fool of myself is not something I want to get into right now.

My divorce is nearly finished with and I will be moving to a new home with my son soon.

It's a good feeling to know that your still attractive especially to someone of 25 but he's a lad and I am a mother of an 8 yr old.

I don't think I could go there.

SnuggyBuggy · 15/06/2019 07:21

I think when one party is old enough to be the other party's parent is when it feels a bit creepy. I also think it's a bit sleazy when a man with kids is with a new partner who is too young to be his kids mother.

Pinkarsedfly · 15/06/2019 07:22

There’s a lot of ageism and a fair bit of sexism on this thread.

My husband is 15 years older than me, and I find the comments about his interest in me being ‘creepy’ hurtful.

And FYI, he is 60, sexy as fuck and gives me proper fanny gallops, so there.

People don’t stop being people when they hit a certain age, you know. A man doesn’t turn into a revolting creepy specimen when he hits his seventh decade.

It’s like anyone over 60 is fair game on here. If they’re not a pervert they have dementia Hmm

RiversDisguise · 15/06/2019 07:26

I agree @Pinkarsedfly

"Sleazy"... "creepy"... "unattractive"...

No one else's business

cocomelon23 · 15/06/2019 07:33

I'm in a 15 year age gap relationship. I'm mid thirties he's 50. I don't even think about the age gap, at all.... ever

CrystalVisions · 15/06/2019 07:36

I was attracted to his awesome personality, kindness, generosity and sense of humour, as well as his good looks

What a perfect foundation for a relationship.

Why would someone turn their back on a partner like that and miss out on a wonderful life together?

Athrawes · 15/06/2019 07:48

I am 48 dating a 61 year old. He is hot!! He was hot when we meet when i was 26 and he was 39, and still hot when we broke it off when we were 34/47. There was never any power unbalance, we just needed to grow up and it took a while.

Shequakes · 15/06/2019 07:52

I think it's different in every circumstance.

In my opinion, it can be creepy. Depends on the 2 people involved and their situations.

My friend was a single mum (as am i) and is with someone 16 years older. I believe he played on her insecurities. That she wouldnt meet anyone again and she was so exhausted with money problems. He basically fixed all that. I woildnr say he is controlling but there is something very offm she wont say no or upset him because she is terrified of being left alone and not being able to pay the Bill's again. He is currently trying to get her to quit work but wont marry her or put her in his will.

He definitely uses the 'I am older so more steady, more established have more money and you are lucky to have me and wont find anyone else who will look after you' to keep her.

But that he could be just the same and closer in age.

I dont judge age gap relationships in general. Lots of my friends are in them and some of the relationships are great. Some are horrendous and the age does seem to cause a problem. But again, I dont judge. I just listen to my friends and support them. Occassionally give them a few home truths.

A women I know through work is 12 years older than her husband. The marriage has loads of problems. When you get down to it , her age bothers her. The fact that he hasn't got kids and she is too old to have them makes her insecure. She is constantly accusing him of having an affair or wanting to leave her. I toldbhervstraight she had become controlling band it's not ok. She didn't like it and we dont talk that much anymore. His phone always has to be set to loud at home. She goes through it daily. If it goes off when she is there, she has to look first. He isnt allowed Facebook etc. He has to have 'find my friends' on all the time so she can see where he is etc. I get the feeling (as I see them both outside work) that he will leave her. Not for someone else. But she will be convinced it's for someone else.

The issue isnt so much the age gap. But how my friend feels about it.

stucknoue · 15/06/2019 07:54

It's what you are comfortable with. I've been asked out by a guy 10 years old and I'm deliberating - If is was to become serious and last, at 70 he would be 80...

Pinkarsedfly · 15/06/2019 07:56

stucknoue so?

You’d be 70!

higherforce · 15/06/2019 07:58

I'm 55 and with a 37 year old. He's a helluva lot more mature and adult than my ex. Occasionally I worry about the age gap. He doesn't. Ever. We've been together two and a half years. Mind you, I'm far fitter than him to be honest and have a youthful outlook.

Ragwort · 15/06/2019 08:03

Tend to agree with Bubbles, it’s all very lovely when you are both reasonably young, and dating a good looking ‘silver fox’ can seem fun and exciting but I am now over 60 & when I look at friends my age with ‘older’ husbands/partners they have all become carers and trapped in unhealthy relationships. One in particular won’t leave, not because she still loves him but she feels desperately sad for him, and to put it bluntly, she enjoys the comfortable lifestyle.

I would not recommend a big age gap. Too often there is also a very clear controlling/power issue from the older partner to the younger one.

Pinkarsedfly · 15/06/2019 08:58

I look around at all my friends, Ragwort and tbh there’s not one relationship I’d want to be in.

Age gaps stand out as a problem because they’re visible. But all you have to do is read the Relationships board on here to realise that you could share a birthday with your spouse and still end up miserable.

Devilrocknroller · 15/06/2019 09:29

Pinkarsedfly
Amen to that! My age gap is twice that, and I don't think anyone else could make me happier.

All you people calling it 'creepy' etc excuse me? I am a consenting adult. And so is my partner. What on earth makes you think you have the right to judge someone else - ESPECIALLY when they may be happier than you will ever be.

And, amazingly on point Pinkarsedfly - a randy man is his 20's is sexy and virile, but as soon as he reaches a certain age he's sleazy or creepy??? I as hell know I'm not going to stop being attracted to men when I'm in my 60s, why should men?

Devilrocknroller · 15/06/2019 09:31

Oh, and Pinkarsedfly I lost it at 'fanny gallops' gonna be using that one myself! haha

TheStuffedPenguin · 15/06/2019 09:36

And also why is it always the men who are older?

Because they think they are the bees knees Grin When you look at online profiles the number of men who create themselves as attractive astounds me !

Devilrocknroller · 15/06/2019 10:27

thestuffedpenguin haha!!! Because women aren’t known to make themselves out to be more attractive. Ever heard of makeup?! People are sexual beings, regardless of their age or gender

Shequakes · 15/06/2019 11:03

It does tend to be older men with younger women.

But I think that is, slowly, changing.

However, older men with younger women are called creepy, or delusional, not able to manipulate or impress and older women who are more sure of themselves. Or even so wrapped up in looks they cant look past a woman's body. and the women with them questioned if they are gold diggers.

Yet women who date younger men are celebrated. They can say things like 'the sex is so much better than with older men, as they can go for hours' or 'why would you want a man in his 40s when you can have a younger, fitter whose erections are harder' (i have seen both these comments on MN). I have seen in mn women actively encouraged to go out with a much younger man they fancy, egged on and celebrated. While women who ask about fancying a much older man receive less enthusiasm.

It seems acceptable for women to not want an older man or comment that all older men are shitter in bed, their bodies arent as good etc

The younger men are usually lumped in under the umbrella of simply likeing a woman who is more sure of herself and confident. Rarely, called gold diggers and the like. It's more around how older women are better.

If men said that older women, werent as attractive, have crap bodies, shit in bed, low sex drive etc there would be a huge backlash. I get that they do. But it's not socially acceptable to say and definitely not on MN.

While there is more older men with younger women. I do find older women with younger men are seen as brilliant and amazing.

ScalingTheCliffsOfInsanity · 15/06/2019 13:33

Thank you for all the comments on here and all the honesty. I've been thinking about it a lot for several reasons and over the course of a couple of weeks my opinion has started to change a bit as I think and understand more.

I'm coming at it from 2 personal angles.

  1. my ex husband is dating someone who is 15 years younger than him. My initial reaction was that when we started dating back in about 97 when we were early 20s the girlfriend was the same age my dd is now, 6. And once this thought was in my brain that was when I started thinking it was creepy. But as I think about it more, I've realised that actually he is the thing bothering me. He is selfish, has embraced not having the responsibility of bringing up the kids (he currently lives abroad and only sees them every few weeks and facetimes once a week for about half an hour.) and puts himself and his social life first. It's a bit like he's regressed back by 15 years himself. So I'm coming to terms with that and the actual disappointment in him that comes with it. From his gf point of view he's probably great, earns a shit ton, happy to fuck off for long weekends, loves going out.

  2. me. I'm a single parent of 2 kids. I'm 44 and don't want any more. I'll be in the house I'm in for probably another 15 years till dd is 21, have a job and would like to meet someone of a similar age in a similar situation. But fuck me, when I joined a couple of dating apps most men my age seem to want someone younger they can potentially have more/ kids with and I was getting likes from 60 year old Bob from Croydon who was posting pictures of himself with his grandkids. Now I'm sure Bob is probably a top bloke but it's not where I want to be.
    So double disappointment from me hence my questions. I've stepped away from dating apps whilst I get my thoughts together.
    However age gaps quite clearly work for some people and full power to them and their happiness.

I just hope I can meet someone at some point who gives me the fanny gallops as someone so eloquently put it further up the page.

OP posts:
Amazonfromkent · 15/06/2019 17:28

Really @pinkmouse.

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