How can I support DH when I feel hurt by him

[Myfanwyprice]

Hi,

I’ll try to keep this brief, sorry if it does go on.

DH and I have been together over 20 years, married 15, have two dc, one teen and one pre teen. We both work, me part time, him full time, he’s recently taken on more responsibility and is pretty stressed at work.

I would say that our relationship is generally good, we rarely argue and just rub along well together, for me, the big issue with him is that he is very hard on teen ds. He thinks I’m too soft - I’m definitely of the don’t sweat the small stuff opinion, and as he is pretty well behaved and doing very well at school, I let the smaller stuff go.

At the weekend, dh got really angry with ds as he hadn’t got up and got ready on time for an event - they wouldn’t have been very late, but dh finds it disrespectful that ds won’t get up when asked - I think he’s a normal teenager, who prioritises sleep over everything else, and even though it’s not ideal, it didn’t seem that big of a deal. DH overreacting to slight poor behaviour from ds is a pretty regular occurrence, he usually just has a bit of a moan, and we move on.

But at the weekend he went over the top, bringing up it seemed every time ds has made them late, really catastrophising. We ended up arguing, he was very critical of me and he said he doesn’t think he can stay in the marriage where I always take ds’s side, I said that it isn’t that I take his side, but that I am trying to keep the peace between them, and it seemed as though dh overreacted. I feel that dh was snappy with me all weekend.

Later on in the weekend when the row had blown over, he said again that he hadn’t decided if he was staying.

We’ve then had a busy few days, I have been keeping my distance a bit, trying to process what he said, and also how I feel about the differences in our parenting and his reactions to situations, I was hoping we could have a cards on the table discussion tomorrow night.

Today, dh has phoned and said he’s been to his gp and said that he’s depressed, and has been prescribed antidepressants.

Part of me feels relieved, he’s addressed how he’s feeling and that explains his behaviour. . .but I still feel so hurt by things he said at the weekend.

I don’t want to add to his burden any more, I appreciate it’s a big step to admit you need help, but I feel like I need some acknowledgment of the hurt he’s caused.

Would you just put your own feelings aside to support him, or would you bring up your feelings?

On this one as he has taken positive action I would say you need to let it go as support him.

That isn’t to say you accept all bad behaviour (I had a depressed DH and his extreme behaviour I had to walk away from and he’s now ex), but in this scenario the hurt isn’t worth throwing him off track in his acceptance and recovery.

I think you will need to address how he has made you feel at some point but I might be tempted to give it a bit of time, to see how things are once the antidepressants have had chance to kick in. Your DH may be in a better place for that conversation then.

Oh and catastrophic thoughts are a real indicator of MH issues. I’ve had them after an incident last year and they are very hard to manage. See it as part of his illness he has been brave in seeking GP help for.

I think you should listen to your DH.

When parents are not supporting eachother, the therapy that works is that the softer parent SUPPORTS AND SIDES WITH the stricter parent ... who then gets softer to a better balance.

The reason for this is its like a see saw. The strict parent is trying to make up for the softer parent, and vice versa. This confuses the hell out of children.

So it has been discovered that supporting Mum or Dad Strict, gets them to get less strict as they feel more supported. And united parents are actually better for kids. Sorry I can't give you the reference, I read this ages ago.

LadySutch I'm sorry, but that ain't necessarily so. I tried this approach for years with my late husband. He just got more and more authoritarian and unreasonable. This isn't necessarily good advice.

That said OP, your teen needs to learn that there are consequences to not setting an alarm, getting up and meeting commitments. I have two older teen DDs and I have been getting them out of bed for archery competitions on Sunday mornings for years with no trouble. I'd have forgiven the odd lapse, but repeated oversleeping would have meant I'd leave them behind. I never needed to, because they knew the boundaries.

He's been to get help, which is a positive thing.

Sounds like you both said things that were hurtful at the weekend. I would have been fucked off at a teenager wanting to go to an event and then not bothering to get their arse out of bed on time.

If he's stressed at work, and depressed, it probably felt like a kick in the teeth to him. And you sided with your DS which probably felt like another one.

I wouldn't want to stay in a relationship where I wasn't supported.

Some really good points, really appreciate all the comments, Lisbon I think you’ve hit a nerve, teared up a bit reading your response.

Just to clarify, ds didn’t actually make them late on Saturday, was just ready 10 minutes later than dh would’ve liked, which is why I felt like it was a particular over reaction - they didn’t end up going because of the subsequent argument, but that’s by the by now.

I do think I will put my feelings aside, and be as supportive as possible, I am beyond proud of him for seeking help, and of course I want him to get to a better place.

Just putting my feelings down here, has felt like a release and that will help me to help him, so thank you again.

Myfanwyprice sorry I upset you, I didn't mean to. I get your point to fwiw, I just see his more if that makes sense?

Also reading that they weren't actually late kind of changes it for me, so I'd have responded differently. If they were late I could totally understand your DH being pissed off, but it does sound like he overreacted.

But aye, a united front is key and I'm glad you're going to be able to move on. I should say that while getting help is admirable, it doesn't excuse any and all behaviour which isn't ok. I have MH dx and try really hard to rein it in when I'm struggling to try and think if what I'm about to say is reasonable or fair n

No idea where the n came from! Was supposed to be a .

Also, you deserve and need support too, it's not a one way thing

I would caution your sense of relief that he has a diagnosis. The depression is caused by something. Be it work or home or something else. It may be a positive turning point in your marriage but perhaps not

Maybe you both could do with relationship counselling

I really appreciated you saying what you did, I was a bit caught up in my own feelings, and thinking he was being unreasonable, but it’s done me good to think about how he was feeling and seeing it from his point of view.

He’ll be home from work in a sec, I’ve made his favourite dinner, will give him a big hug and tell him how proud I am of him seeking help and that I am with him through this.

I do want to talk to him about his reactions and how they make me feel, but that can wait till he’s feeling a bit better about things.

The depression is caused by something. Be it work or home or something else

No that's not fair. Sometimes depression just happens, even to people who have a wonderful life. It's a chemical imbalance in the brain. Mine is anyway. Hence why I take SSRIs.

I do want to talk to him about his reactions and how they make me feel, but that can wait till he’s feeling a bit better about things

It's really important that you get to say how you feel too, and that you're heard. You sound bloody lovely!

I've had depression and it's not a free pass to threaten to leave the person you are supposed to love. That's a hurtful thing to say. If his words hurt you, you should tell him and he should apologise. Equally you can apologise for not backing him up and you can support him through his depression, but that doesn't mean you have to ignore and suppress your feelings. Your feelings count too.

Sounds miserable for you all but I’m glad your DH has seen your GP.
What worked for us was talking about what sort of relationship we wanted with our teenagers. My DH realised that by being aggressive and authoritarian he was just shutting down any chance of having a positive effect. Be clear about what you want and need to happen and underline the need for respect from both parties. Make allowances for teenage ‘stuff’ but also recognise your own need for space and understanding. Apologise and be kind to one another. Good luck x

What support is he looking for? I'd be worried it might be that every time he shouts at you or the kids or threatens to leave he'll use his diagnosis as an excuse.

Definitely let him know you believe him and let him know that together you can work out ways to reach recovery but don't accept he can use it as a stick to beat you with.

I've suffered many long bouts of MH issues and it pains me to think how cruel and selfish I've been during them. He hurt you, only he can acknowledge that in himself but he's a fool if he thinks his loved ones have the emotional intelligence and memory of a goldfish. He has been cruel MH issues or not.

I don’t know what has caused this bout of depression, but stress at work is definitely a factor, and I also believe that the dc growing up is.

He is finding it more difficult than I am to adjust to the differences in parenting them now compared to when they were small. His dad was very much you’ll do what I say, and his mum wait till your father gets home. I grew up in a less authoritarian home and this is what I want for our children - with boundaries of course, I’m not a complete pushover!

I think when the children were small it was much easier to navigate parenting than it is now, as they are naturally pushing boundaries much more - we definitely need to work on presenting a united front, and to be fair we do usually make a good team!

This isn’t the first time that he has suffered from depression, but is the first time my first reaction was ‘I don’t know if I can help’ which I found pretty upsetting, I’m also disappointed that I didn’t recognise the signs.

Anyway! That was an essay and a half! I really do appreciate all of your comments, it’s given me a lot to think about, and writing it down has made me realise that I do want to support him through this.

And Lisbon thank you for your lovely comment - I certainly haven’t felt it today, but it was very nice to read it

Hold off for a while maybe but not for long - or you'll end up putting his needs first in perpetuity. And you really don't want that!

I speak as one who is currently suffering from depression - it doesn't give me the right to be a dick.

Depression is the long haul so you need to start as you mean to go on : equal partners. If you can find someone else to offload the angry bulk then definitely go for that but ultimately you're still a couple and you need to work things out, including the tricky stuff. He hurt you, he needs to know that and take responsibility for it.

Yep

From the POV of someone with depression I don't want to talk about it. Just be normal and kind and be open IF he wants to talk. And do not accept horrible behaviour from him "because he's depressed" like I said be normal. Don't change your boundaries but be kind as I'm sure you already are.

Don't beat yourself up Myfanwy you shouldn't have had to notice the signs, he did and you've supported him. Just make sure that your needs are heard too you know? You deserve that too.

My DDad used to get like this with my sister as she was a lazy arsed teen. Your son has some resposibility here. Support your DH in not giving a shit about your teens schedule. That is what worked for my Dad and I remember the day he went without her as he was hoarse from bellowing up the stairs trying her toget her to shift her butt.

He used to give her lifts so she could catch the train to college. One day he just stopped. He knew her alarm had gone off. He made a cup of tea in bed as normal and then...nothing. He went to work without her. She woke up about half past ten and went utterly ballistic! It worked though. He never shouted up the stairs again. She got up and shifted for herself.
she is still a lazy cah though

You need to sit him down quietly and say you appreciate his getting meds and accepting the diagnosis but it doesn't give him the green light to be an asshole to you. Then discuss the parenting styles. Stop just trying to fill in the gaps as a default. It needs discusssing but I think you do need to be on DHs side a bit more. The DS sounds spoilt by you tbh. Not getting up is a finger up to both of you in a way.

It's good he's got himself to the GP - do support him, however read up together in teenager sleep - they need loads of sleep due to growing, adolescence etc ... your poor child is probably struggling too

Make your DH see that he needs to see the wider picture, but doubt outside of earshot of your children, and stand united , BUT your DH has to realise he's being unreasonable and adjust his behaviours too